SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

goalong

This affair is much longer than you assume. She has been cake eating for a long time until the situation is suitable for leaving (very self-centered) . The OM divorce may be linked to this affair. Not to say anything negative but to me you seem to be somewhat the meek partner in this marriage and she took advantage of it. May be the OBS already knew of the circumstances related to their divorce. Hope your adult children are not happy about it

From an EA perspective you may be correct on a lower level, no argument. They did work together for a long time...The reason I believe it didn't really go further then was with our kids being around. I travel extensively for work, which gave her all the opportunity she needed over the last few years to sneak off with him while I was away and the next was empty. There was just no window back then for when she wouldn't be home with the kids. Her other piece of "cover" over the last few years I thing has been her spending time with her friends, which quite frankly she rarely did leading up to this.

From an EA perspective you may be correct on a lower level, no argument. They did work together for a long time...The reason I believe it didn't really go further then was with our kids being around.

EA over any appreciable time and physical access means PA almost always. Long Lunches, personal, sick, or vacation days can be used to get together and bump uglies. It doesn't take long. Even random parking lot trips in the middle of the day. The kids being around did likely constrain it but you really should assume PA along with EA back then.
In the end that doesn't matter. She's left for her AP. Whether this is new or just a resurging affair doesn't matter to your path. Set her free and allow yourself to find someone worthy of you. She's proven not.

Yeah, my MIL used to say the my STBXWW (last day for that title) could not possibly have an affair as she was too busy with the kids. Trust me, she found the time. I think it was exclusively truck sex, where they had a quick meetup where she could service her AP. Apparently, there wasn't anything in it for her other than the ego kibbles.

I think a tendency among BS's is an unwillingness to believe the worst is possible. Waywards leverage this characteristic against us as they know us fully snd know which string to pluck and when. The good thing is that it does not usually last. The glass will shatter and we get our moment of revelation. You may have a unicorn on your hands, since 2018, I've seen one possible unicorn on this site, but I'm hedging my bets that the other shoe will eventually drop. Sadly, the narrative arc of infidelity is rather predictable.

I find that writing things down really helps me be more objective. Try free writing or Journaling and then keep it in a secure place where only you can read it. It will help you gain some distance. It certainly helped me.

Agree that this is a pointless endeavor to get to the "how" and "why".

I actually sat down and made a list of her good and bad qualities and it was quite eye opening. The imbalance was pretty bad to the ugly side, a lot of which I' glossed over in the past because it wasn't directed at me, and obviously some of the bad ones were new revelations.

Agree that this is a pointless endeavor to get to the "how" and "why".

I actually sat down and made a list of her good and bad qualities and it was quite eye opening. The imbalance was pretty bad to the ugly side, a lot of which I' glossed over in the past because it wasn't directed at me, and obviously some of the bad ones were new revelations.

I remember doing that exercise years ago and could always find so many good things about my WW. Now with her knocked down off the pedestal and my rose colored glasses traded for a new prescription, I have a difficult time getting into double digits on a good day. I will say she was a good mother. She's also very judgemental and kind of a snob.

The imbalance was pretty bad to the ugly side, a lot of which I' glossed over in the past because it wasn't directed at me, and obviously some of the bad ones were new revelations.

Yup. Unanswered Prayers was one of my go to songs a few years past D. I was praying to save the M when I shouldn't have been. Ex caused more trouble than the value she brought into the relationship. Finacially, intellectually, and emotionally. She was one of those people who wasn't happy unless she was unhappy. If everything was going well, she would look around until she found something to complain about. Saw a post recently where it is described as only being at peace when you are at war. That really was a fundamental incompatibility with me whose default state is being at peace and not looking for battles to fight. In the end D left me in a better state all around.

[This message edited by grubs at 8:07 PM, Friday, July 15th]

Brother so sorry for your shit show that has become your daily life.
I believe your youngest hit the nail on the best calling her to her faults as a hypocrite. "Do as I say not as I do".
Remember she has moved on, monkey branched to her 20 year coworker. I am sure the the relationship went way longer than just a few months. Every day her AP is late she will be thinking is he banging the new coworker. Every time she is stuck in traffic he will be thinking is she at the same park that we use to hook up at.
What a relationship founded on betrayal and lies.
Support to you and the boys. They are adults but are hurting big time. STBX never stepped up when she was unhappy what are you a mind reader?
One day at a time and get tested for STDs and STIs.
Buffer

Brother so sorry for your shit show that has become your daily life.
I believe your youngest hit the nail on the best calling her to her faults as a hypocrite. "Do as I say not as I do".

Support to you and the boys. They are adults but are hurting big time. STBX never stepped up when she was unhappy what are you a mind reader?

Buffer

Buffer, thanks man I appreciate it. I'm so fortunate to have such strong men as sons. They are hurting, big time. Take everything else out of it (including the marriage), how does a cheater throw such a bomb into a family and not expect even adult children not to suffer as a result? No matter what eventual place her relationship ends up with them it truly is ruined forever. I can't imagine doing anything that would cause so much hurt to my children, and such a loss of their respect for you as a parent.

Troutman
For all the details it seems stacks are placed not in her favor. He may be in for her money and looks So age is another factor because at this age it is the love and care and not physical attraction that counts and from what is described he is an opportunist and normally such people do not have lot of empathy in the long run. And as mentioned she will find sneaking around is whole another game than living together. If I were you I would be certain that there is no going back despite the sudden emotional impact. Keep your head up, do your other things like the job even better, workout, keep talking to people who care about you. Do not tell her that you are feeling bad, it makes her happier in the affair knowing that the BS is still interested in her. It is sexy to function productively in the face of distress. Even adversaries like WSs notice that

I agree the last thing she wants is to see you do better without her. She is rooting against you, and when you show emotion or sadness it assures her you will be waiting. Becoming self confident and having a DGAF attitude will be a threat to her. Ask me how I know, been there done that.

goalong/Tanner:

I'm working VERY hard at showing a solid front and staying strong. I've slpt a bit better this week (medication helping) which has helped my demeanor, as I have a lot more energy. Only communicating via email helps as well, though I do have to meet her in person later next week at the bank to get her off the joint checking account, as we both have to sign the form in person.

Troutman
I am very sorry for all that has happened to you.
It’s awful. Awful. Awful.
You show incredible strength and wisdom in the way you are dealing with the situation.
Continue to stay strong and lean on your friends and loved ones (including the folks here on SI) to support you through this journey.

At the bank ask if there are any joint cards, debts, accounts… whatever… that you might both be accountable for. Ask them what the process is to ensure that your name is taken off any such items fully and finally.
In do-it-yourself divorce I think this can be the biggest loophole:
You and wife get a credit-card – maybe even just a store-card. You both sign for it or she signs on the dotted line without either of you reading the fine print. She uses the card for a couple of years previous to you two divorcing. In the D process she agrees to keep that card and honor any debt. Only… she doesn’t… Four years later you get a letter and a phone-call from a collection’s agency. They don’t give a hoot that the d-papers say it’s her obligation to pay – they have a legal claim on you. All the divorce contract does is enable you to sue your ex for payment – with the required cost, hassle and problems.

De tangling a long-term marriage is complex. Even if you two don’t have separate attorneys then do have one finish whatever agreement you two reach. They have the knowledge to spot issues like the one I mentioned.

DailyGratitude
My support system has been amazing to this point, and I'm thankful for all of them.

Bigger, good points, thanks.

To be clear, for credit cards, you need to pay them off and close them. Then each spouse gets his or her own new card in his or her individual name. If one spouse agrees to take credit card debt, the debt from the old joint card is moved to the new individual card. That's really the only way to sever credit card debt.

For a mortgage, the mortgage must be refinanced.

In all cases, formal contractual debt with third parties need contractual agreements with the third party to eliminate the obligation of one of the spouses.

How are you doing, troutman?

Troutman523 -- [[hug]]

Your story is almost identical to mine. Our kids are 24 and 22 though.You stated earlier;

Haven't been in a great place today.

My thoughts have turned back to the fact that I never had a chance to save this, and that goes back to before the affair when she claimed she was unhappy but never verbalized it. There was still so much good there at the time and I would have moved heaven and earth working on communication, going to therapy etc... Anything. I'm a pretty quiet person, who will fully admit am not the best at verbalizing feelings. I had accepted that we didn't have the level of intimacy we'd had earlier in our marriage, and I was OK with that because I loved her so dearly and understood true love transcending those things. I'm really missing that woman today...

In my case i know i do not have all of the story. Without knowing that i am not sure at what point i would have jumped in to move heaven and earth or even when in that 30 years that would have been. The final point i get to is what i would be trying to save.

The conclusion i have come to is that the spouse I am missing was never there to begin with. The real one is the one that is living outside of the house. Meaning -- that spouse was all in my head. There are too many events, times, thoughts and emotions over 30 years to pick apart and ruminate on. i am not sure how fruitful much of that will be. Unfortunately those are the things that bump around in my head these days.

Peace to you!

How are you doing, troutman?

Not great annb, thank you for asking. It's been a rough week, and I've been feeling rather depressed over all of this. I'm sleeping slighlty better with mediciation, but still not what I need. Stil having trouble foucsing at work too. I do have my first IC session tomorrow, so it will be good to talk to someone independent of the situation. As amazing as my sons have been I am avoiding burdening them with my thoughts. I did spend a couple hours yesterday with my best friend of over 35 years, who was my best man at our wedding. It helped my day.

My older one did get a text from WW the other day: "I miss you , I hope you're doing OK". His reply: "You're not my concern right now, my father is in incredible pain"

Love that kid...

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 4:06 PM, Friday, July 22nd]

Jason,

The conclusion i have come to is that the spouse I am missing was never there to begin with. The real one is the one that is living outside of the house. Meaning -- that spouse was all in my head.

Thanks man. This is the conclusion I have reached as well. Yes I saw things over the years, but they all seemed minor at the time, and most of it was directed external to us. I have more clarity now, but unpacking 30 years of memories, and wondering just how much of that was a lie is tough.