SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bit of a bombshell
It’s been a 4 year separation and he’s been with her almost as soon as he left, living together for a few years now too.

I was heavily pregnant when he went

He’s been visiting the kids in the family home all this and I was trying to reconcile. Although turns out he was not.

He emailed me the news
- and she’s through got through the first trimester

The shock has subsided, a little, but the grief has not

There could never be a reconciliation now, because the child would be a reminder & he would always have a connection to her. So it’s over.

Hard to bear

I’m Sorry. The shock of the pregnancy is hard to take but I think he’s been Telegraphing he doesn’t want to R.

4 year separation is a long time. His actions may be more telling than his words.

Has he been misleading?

Yes you are right - although he has been very friendly when here 3 times a week and not moving things on legally
So.. from my point of view I thought there was a chance of R

I agree actions speak louder than words

It is a shock. I wouldn’t want that complication in my life

It’s hard to think of my kids having siblings that aren’t my kids; he wants them all brought up closely which will be hard to hear about when they come back from visits

And it’s hard not to wonder if he will do to her what he did to me
If not now while she is pregnant, then later as a vacancy will have been created

There is an 18 year age gap, and he definitely affaired down, although she is slim (but that will change after having kids!)

I suppose you just have to focus on your own life

Please make sure you file for child support ASAP
I'm sorry that he did this

Maybe the adultery co-conspirator saw where he wasn't moving on toward D as well...and decided to play her "pregnancy" card to try and keep him?

It might not seem like it now...but this may be a blessing in disguise for you. You will now be able to move on with your life and your precious children knowing YOU did everything you could to R .

Thank you
This is such a supportive forum

Yes I really did do everything to reconcile didn’t I

And yes it’s unclear if it was planned -I asked him and he said she didn’t think she could get pregnant for various reasons only implying it was unplanned

I know this is not exactly what you want to hear and I'm sorry, but I really feel it needs to be said--he's a jerk! He's been somewhat stringing you along for four years, and that super sucks for you. Doesn't he care? This shows him to have major issues (Needs lots of validation? People pleaser? Who knows!) so it would not have worked out. You are better off without him. The drama will end.

Is any part of you angry? That he has made it seem as if he...cared about you? I think anger would be good for you! Stop seeing him as such a catch. I personally would NEVER want a guy who behaved this way. (3 times a week visits? While living with another woman? And "accidentally" turned up pregnant? Just no!!! Jerk!!!! Not good partner material!!!)

I'm sorry, but falling out of love with him is the first step to falling in love with a REAL partner. I wish you all the best! (Don't be hurt, be angry. And move on from this two-timer.) You are good enough! It's him that is not.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:38 AM, Sunday, September 4th]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with a pregnant OW in your life. And a future OC. That is a big complicated shift in your extended family dynamic whether the result is D or R.

It’s been a 4 year separation and he’s been with her almost as soon as he left, living together for a few years now too.

He’s been visiting the kids in the family home all this and I was trying to reconcile.

Dear JammyWheel, these two statements contradict each other. You were hoping to reconcile with a man who's been living with the OW for several years. And he had the convenience to see his kids in YOUR home three times a week. This arrangement sounds very stressful for you. And unjust! Hoping for reconciliation that never materialized must have taken a toll. Does he take the kids for any type of visitation in his home, or on overnights etc.? Do you have sole custody per the separation agreement (whether formal or informal)? I'm guessing you organize all holidays and birthdays as well. This has been going on for four years. So you've been living on hopium, in limbo, for a long time. And doing most of the day to day parenting and heavy lifting for your kids???

His actions do speak louder than his words. Being "friendly" to you a few times a week kept that convenient limbo in place. Kept you hoping. Your limbo worked for him! Why would he file for divorce? Seems he had his cake and ate it too. Yes, he's a jerk. Going forward, perhaps he can take on a fair share of the heavy lifting? Perhaps this will be a helpful change in the status quo that would be more equitable for you?

Yes, things have changed. But it sounds like it took a pregnant OW to shake him up. He may have preferred to keep the status quo in place. A status quo that strung you along. And conveniently prevented marrying the OW. As OIN said, get angry! Use the anger as a motivator to help you act quickly.

Please protect you and your kids and file ASAP.

Again, so sorry. This is a big disappointment to struggle with. But when the divorce is in the rearview mirror I bet you will realize it was time to move on. Four years is a long time to live in limbo. It's unfortunate that it took a pregnant OW to kickstart the process necessary to end your stay in limbo, but here you are. Please value yourself and climb out of this four year limbo he created. Four years where you were his plan B. Plan B is NOT what you deserve. You (and your kids!)deserve better. My best wishes to you and your kids.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 6:41 AM, Sunday, September 4th]

It’s not uncommon to hear the OW cannot get pregnant, and then by a "miracle" she does.

You need to D. You need to get a formal custody order in place and a child support plan in place too.

You need to be first to file so you get the lion’s share of his paycheck.

Let’s say your H makes $100,000 per year. Let’s say 1/3 is the max in your state. That means a you get $33,000.

If the OW filed second, she gets 1/3 of $67,000 which is $22,000. She lost S11,000 by being second.

I hope this helps you.

Please end this farce of a M and file for D immediately, you deserve so much better than an unrepentant cheater and liar who has been living with OW for years, that alone should have been more than enough reason for you to pull the plug.

Great advice
It feels very supportive on here
Thank you

The one who files for support first get the most money. You have kids now, you can file for support now. GF is just PG she can’t file until baby is born and DNA said your ex is the father,

You need to file right now and ensure that you're first to the line to claim support and here is why.

In most states, child support is calculated on a formula. Most of the time, that formula will exclude (credit) any child support payments for children that are already being supported.

Let's say that the "income" for the spouse is $100/week. If you file before this child is born, his full income is calculated for support. But let's say she files first and he is now paying $10/week in support. YOUR child support calculation is now based on $90/week vs. $100/week. See why this is important?

Don't delay--get thee to a good family law attorney and make sure they understand the situation and can move to block her (she cannot file for support until the child is born, FYI).

Cat

I’m so sorry you are going through this Jammywheel.

My XWS also got the OW pregnant, while leading me to believe we would reconcile. I believe it was unplanned too.

It is truly the worst experience of my life. Words cannot describe how crushing and excruciating the pain is.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I truly know how you feel.

Sending you strength.