SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is Off Topic the place for this? I don’t know but I just wanted to invite some nice people to my pity party. I know a few of us have had to say goodby to our sweet fur babies lately and it is so hard. I have a lot going on that’s making this feel overwhelming though.

My WH had to travel for the first time in 2 1/2 years to the location of his last trip with MOW, on the anniversary of DDay, and he brought back Covid and gave it to me, after all my vigilance and anxiety to steer clear. I had the updated booster a week before he got home, but am still fighting the head cold symptoms and headaches two weeks later, and of course he was fine after a few days. Our beloved almost 15 year old golden doodle had been struggling with arthritis, incontinence and finally a horrific autoimmune skin disease that left him a pile of bloody abscesses. It was awful and time to put him down and it was very hard, even though I had a lot of time to know it had to be done and to try to come to terms with it. I haven’t had to help a pet cross over in a very long time, and the memory of saying goodbye is haunting me, more so than my quiet empty house. At least his last few days were filled with all the love and care I could give him, and he had some fun, happy moments to the end. But I wish I hadn’t had to say goodbye through a soggy KN 95 mask.

Also, I wrenched my back lifting him the last day he was with us and I can’t do much of anything I want to without pain right now. I’m trying to focus on healing in every direction, but I’m a bit overloaded, with ripples of infidelity, triggery dates and locations, covid symptoms, back pain and missing my sweet, loving boy, all within a couple of weeks. I am allowed to feel a little sorry for myself right? Strange that my WH was a wreck over the dog, and instead of feeling sympathy, I felt annoyed that he couldn’t shed a few tears over the demise of our relationship or my pain. I felt petty and envious, but I think I’m over that now, and we are leaning in to each other in our grief. But. The empty house has me very much feeling like something that was helping hold us together is gone and I am a bit more unmoored than normal.

Any others lose a pet and have it ripple into some existential relationship moments? I’m trying to channel my weirdness and sorrow into thoughts of all the things I’m free to do now that I’ve caught Covid and can stop freaking out about travel, and the freedom the end of caregiving brings. It’s very bittersweet. We have agreed that we will take a year or so to do all the things we wanted to do but could not with our aging dog before considering another pet to love. This boy was special and deserves a long mourning period. I pick his ashes up this week and am thinking we might plant them with a tree in his honor, as well as sprinkle a few on his favorite places to walk. I don’t want them sitting around in a cupboard or urn, that just seems unresolved somehow.

Thanks for letting me wallow in my pity for a few minutes and share my list of woes. Sometimes complaining helps a little.

((((WILA))))

it never easy to lose a family member, especially when you have given so much of yourself for their care.

I hope some happy memories can give you some peace and happiness during these tough days.

Try not to focus on the how comes, especially as behaviors are changing and healing is occurring be thankful that you are seeing a difference in behavior now compared to what it was then.

I can tell you in the first year of R for us we lost 3 pets, 2 dogs and a cat. The kids were still young. It was hard as hell and sucked. When the first one passed my H was still in his A, and was like where do you want him buried? He wasn't sad, he just was disconnected, and for him it was odd, but even during the A he could suddenly no longer stand the dog hair in the house. He was trying to get me to keep them in the basement, and I refused. When the other 2 pets passed he was a mess, as he was once again back in touch with his feelings and being a decent human again.

I'm so sorry whatisloveanyway. Saying goodbye rips your heart to pieces. Take comfort knowing you gave him a wonderful life and cared for him and helped him cross over the bridge.

When I lost my last dog nine years ago I said never again yet here I am cuddling two more.

Take as much time as you need to mourn the loss of your friend.

(((((HUGS)))))

I'm so sorry for your loss. Anyone who has ever had to make that decision is mourning with you. It takes us right back to the pets we had to make that decision for. I had to do it during covid. I was not allowed in the office, so I sat in the trunk of my car, with Houdini in my lap, as his heart took its last beats.

And Tushmom, wow. To be that disconnected from a beloved pet at the end, due to an affair. Says a lot to a waywards warped character and thinking during that time.

Actually, yes. I very recently lost my beloved dog (had to put her down) and have had those thoughts. I'm not tied to taking care of her. I don't have to worry about her running out the door when I'm bringing in groceries, or barking at the wind and annoying the neighbors. The freedom is "nice" (I don't know how else to say that) but I so would much rather have her goofy self lolling on the couch.

Big hugs to you! And you aren't complaining... this is hard! I cry every day and miss her tremendously, as I know you miss your boy.

((((whatisloveanyway))) 😢😢😢

Yes, of course you are allowed a lttle pity party! I will bring the kleenex...?

Now you know with all this compounded grief, your body will need more nutrition and vitamins to dig yourself out of the well of grief, right? Up your D, Zinc, C and eat yer greens like a bunny rabbit! Of course, drink water and more water (I need to do this, too!)

I think a pity party is exactly what you need right now. That’s a lot to be dealing with.
Animals give us so much- losing them is so very hard.

Take care of yourself— that injured back is your body telling you to slow down and give yourself a little extra TLC.

(((Hugs)))

((((wila))))

That's a lot of shit to deal with all at the same time

Hang in there..... I'm sending out lots of MOJO and positive, healing thoughts your way.

((((wila))))

I lost one of mine 5 months after dday1, another a week after dday2, and two within a month earlier this year. It's so so SO hard to say goodbye to a furbaby

I always tell myself that I wouldn't trade any of the years I got with them cus of that final day, but it sure doesn't make it any easier to let them go.

Just sending you so many hugs!

((wila))
So very sorry for your loss!

I think many of us have triggers and it's a lot at once...

Please take good care of yourself.

I almost never post on threads that speak of the death of a pet - it's like I don't want to be reminded that this will eventually happen to us all who count fur babies as family members. We lost one at almost 16 years, and our current one is 10.5 years and pretty darned healthy, so hopefully have a few years to go.

That being said, and in hindsight it was kind of funny, the morning after my first D-day back in 2007, I had an already-scheduled appt. at our vet's office for some kidney issues our dog was having - she'd been through a couple of surgeries already for stones, was on special food, etc. At that point, less than 24-hours after a devastating discovery, the vet walked in, asked me how I was, and I broke down in that exam room, crying! I told her that my world was falling apart, and she needed to do whatever it took to eke out a few more years of our dog's life, because at that moment, I felt like our dog was the only constant in my life that brought me joy and a reason to live. I'm sure that vet still remembers that visit from 15 years ago! I mean, that's not quite what she signed up for, and was sort of above her pay grade, right? I was so embarrassed the next few times I had to see her (luckily our dog lived another four years), and kind of felt like I owed her an update, but never had the courage to bring up my crying episode again.

After we finally put our dog down, I meant to write the practice a letter, thanking them for their years of care, but it was just too painful to do. I won't make that mistake with our current dog. Vet practices aren't thanked enough for what they do, and many people don't realize that their salaries are very modest. It's not like they're rich like people doctors, although they spend just as much time in vet school.

A year or so ago, when all the vet's offices around here were totally inundated with COVID... people who had rescued dogs and cats and now needed care for them, I decided one day to bake a batch of brownies and drop them off at the office, as a thank you and understanding that I knew they were under enormous stress. When I handed them over to the front receptionist, I thought she was going to cry. I think a lot of practices had to deal with abusive pet owners during that time, and were beside themselves with frustration.

I hope that your vet's office was kind and understanding as you made that decision, even if they didn't know the other part going on in your story. I still follow our former vet's office on FB, despite our living 2000 miles away now, and yesterday they posted an image with the words: Every 52 days is a year in a dog's life. Time Flies. So take long walks, enjoy big hugs, and give lots of treats. It was a good reminder.

Hugs back at you all. Thanks so much for the kindness and the commiseration, and for the perspective and the reminders to take extra care.

Each day brings a new reminder of how much he brought to my life and how much I miss his company and his goofy personality. Last night I dreamed he came home and I kept saying this makes no sense, I helped him die, but there he was rolling on the floor letting me rub his pink, healthy belly. It was a sweet dream because he was young and happy and was in no pain. I cried when I remembered it this morning but it was a good cry. I had a similar dream after my Dad died, where he was back among us, smiling, and I kept saying this makes no sense, we just had your funeral. Both of those dreams left me with a feeling of remembering the happiness and the light, not the sorrow or grief and I’ll try to keep that thought in my mind.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 2:22 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]