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A few weeks after D-Day WS asked me to refrain from telling his friends and family about his affair (note we are separated and heading for D, no chance at R). Likely out of shame, but I cannot be bothered to care about why.

At first I was so numbed by the pain I didn’t even have the energy to think about who to tell on his side. Then I hit the point where I was so enraged that I wanted to send an email blast to his entire family (a large family, we’re talking 30+ first cousins alone) and all his friends as well as his godmother.

I now swing between the two on a regular basis.

Am I 1) being irrationally angry to want to tell people the truth - on an if-asked basis as it probably only give me short-term gratification to publish a social media post on his affair or 2) a fool for even considering protecting his lies and reputation?

Also adding that he is Catholic and so is his mom and godmother. One of his friends is a priest. And yeah, I get the irony in that. My family and I are non-religious.

So I am going to be very practical here.
If he will make the D easier, kinder, more beneficial to you— keep it quiet until ALL the ink is dry. Play nice until all the legal stuff is final.

Then, tell who you want what you want.

I didn’t out my WH to his work colleagues because I could use that as leverage for a more favorable outcome. And by the time all that was settled, I no longer cared. (His family and my family knew.)

But play the long game if there is any benefit.

If not, you do you. You don’t necessarily need to blast everyone but just let a couple people you are close to know, and let them spill the tea.

Keep moving toward D and indifference- it’s a pretty great place.

Hi DR,

I would be careful at this point who you tell. If you blow up his world right now it may trigger animosity and make your D 3x as hard as it has to be.

That said, it's good to have a close support network around you. Do you have a best friend/sibling/parent/pastor you can confide in? Having an IC is good too, but sometimes things are easier if you have a friend accessible for you when you need it most to vent to.

And yeah, he's got a lot of shame going on here. But in the end, it doesn't matter what he thinks. It's about what you need.

Thanks, BearlyBreathing. Playing the long game was my original strategy as well, although I have no idea whether in practical terms it will be of benefit to me when it comes to D terms. Am I an idiot for thinking he will / does feel guilty enough to make D terms more beneficial / easy for me? When I see him he seems guilty enough, although I'm also reminded of the time he said he has "moved past remorse and has accepted what he's done" after two - yes, TWO - sessions with his therapist.

And I'm at the point right now where I feel so tired playing the long game and am so extremely pissed off he dares to ask me to protect his reputation.

Another complicating factor is DD - because she was only 3 on D-Day WS seems to think she doesn't need to know the reason for D (ever) as it will only hurt her. Of course DD is beyond perceptive because she has been asking me the very pointed "why" questions (why did you throw out your bridal bouquet Mommy, why doesn't Daddy come into our house, etc.). And most recently "Is Daddy a bad guy?". I posted in another thread about this one.

Also I don't know if this matters - WS' dad also cheated on his mom when he was a kid, and he was old enough at the time to want his mom to divorce him. They ended up staying together. Not out of love, but "for the sake of the kids" and because that was another generation where women didn't have the financial independence / support etc. Needless to say that family is dysfunctional and an unhappy one despite the parents staying together for the sake of the kids, and part of why I am so determined on D is I want to teach DD that if touchwood anyone ever has the balls to treat her the way her dad treat me, that she has the choice to leave.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I don't know what to do / think anymore.

Thanks, MIgander. I have confided in quite a number of people on my side (close group of friends, my brother, and I also have an IC) so it's getting more public by the day. I guess I'm trying to deal with triggers like seeing his family members post something on social media and thinking "do you know what a lying pos your cousin / brother / friend is?" type of feelings. Also at the end of the day I do not want him blaming me for the affair / separation even to people on his side, which he did after D-Day. If I'm being totally honest, I want him to suffer that shame. Why should he be allowed to come off as the victim / good daddy / etc. when he was the one to inflict this trauma on my family and I?!

Hi Doublerainbow,

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I elected not to tell my XH's family. XH was very close to his mother and she was in her 80's, so I didn't want to upset her. However, I did tell him that if he ever said anything negative to his family about me, that I would tell everyone. Everyone.

I also didn't want to prolong or jeopardize the outcome of the divorce.

I kept in brief contact with my mother-in-law and SIL's - Christmas and birthday cards. Surprisingly, they did figure out that he'd had an affair and that it was the real reason for the D. In fact, my MIL wrote me a very heartfelt letter about how hurtful that must have been for me.

You're right that it's all about shame. Part of the reason not to engage in active R was that he just could not admit that what he'd done was wrong. Shame is powerful, but destructive.

Take care of yourself.

Foxglove

I wish I had your grace Foxglove, and also wish that my XMIL had it in her to apologize to me like yours did. Not that it would lessen the pain, but I'm having a hard time forgiving an apology I never received. I am also pretty sure that she believes I should forgive her son for the sake of DD, as she did the same for her kids.

WS claims he has told his mom and SIL, I will never know if that's true I suppose. Not knowing is sort of what's eating away at me. I wish I had it in me like you to tell him that if he ever breathed a word of negativity / lies about me that I would tell absolutely everyone.

T/j:

also wish that my XMIL had it in her to apologize to me like yours did.

My mother apologized to my (then) XH, now current H, after my affair. While she is a classy and gracious woman, I was disturbed that SHE felt the need to apologize for MY wrongdoing—it was not HER wrongdoing; she never condoned the affair; and I was not raised to behave that way (as I suspect most WSs likely were not). Therefore, she did not have anything to apologize for.

Therefore, she did not have anything to apologize for.

Saying you're sorry isn't an admission of personal guilt. Sorry for your loss is after all a common way of expressing sympathy. While technically using the word apologize does imply that you're apologizing for an something, it also gets bent at times to express that empathy. Continuing the T/J as someone who commonly has to say I'm sorry for things out of my control as part of the day job. I see it more as apologizing for the real culprit as we figure out how to fix resolve issue.

OP, WS are never as slick at the believe. Those that matter will figure it out on their own. While I wouldn't suggest sending the 30+ email blast to his family, don't lie for him either if someone asks.

I’d say Go for It! If it won’t harm your divorce options then why should you protect/lie for (by withholding information to others) your cheating ex? I believe truth is the only way to live authentically.

Thanks all, I’m in such a dark place I can’t think clearly anymore. I guess this is the fog that all the articles talk about.

Re: STBXMIL apologizing, I guess as a mother myself I would be mortified if DD ever hurt someone the way WS hurt me, and would feel compelled - even if not to apologize - to reach out and ask if BS needed any help with anything. I wouldn’t expect a response but I would be able to sleep a bit better at night at least.

Especially since STBXMIL herself is a BS. I would have thought she would empathize at the very least. We had a decent relationship before D-Day and since then it’s like I’m some pariah. For what? Because of shitty choices her own son made?!

I know I care way too much about other people and need to work on that.

If you are committed to divorcing then get that out of the way. Once the ink has dried you can share your story with anyone you want.
Personally I think all stakeholders should know the truth at some point. If however holding back for 1-2 months makes your husband attend whatever negotiation sessions are required, file whatever papers are needed and so on… waiting wont do you any harm.

We had a decent relationship before D-Day and since then it’s like I’m some pariah. For what? Because of shitty choices her own son made?!

It's easier for her to pretend you don't exist than acknowledge the destruction that her son caused. People suck. My parents had a great marriage. My sisters both choose their husbands well. I lost a pretty awesome BIL to my eldest sister's affair. BIL and I spent a lot of time together working on the family cabin. Time that she used to have her affair. The loss wasn't really desired on either mine or my BIL's part. My sister though made me a trigger for him. Sucks for both of us but that was the outcome. Maybe your MIL's distance can be a grace in that it will make it easier to move on.

I'm sorry to hear you lost a relationship with your BIL because of circumstances beyond your control, grubs. I wish your BIL peace and one day having triggers not be so...triggering, I guess.

I take to heart your comments on STBXMIL. In a twisted way I feel like I don't know her either anymore given her behavior after D-Day. While she treated me decently before D-Day, like WS she's got her own set of issues (passive-aggressive covert narcissism, major self-centredness, manipulative). I guess like mother like son. People sucking is one thing. It's a whole other to present yourself as caring, loving, giving and as a decent human being when all along you're just an asshat. Wolves in sheep's clothing.

My parents like yours have a great marriage. So do my brother and a couple of my friends. I need to laser-focus on surrounding DD with positive examples of marriages like this. I'm just so angry that WS destroyed DD's chance of having her own parents be a role model of what M could and should be.

Thank you all for your sound words. I've got a follow-up (somewhat related) question: should I / do I delete these people (STBXSIL, WS' cousins, a couple of WS' friends, WS himself) from social media? I've been debating it and have no clue what to do. In case it matters - I have posted a grand total of 5 times since D-Day (random posts about food, nothing about A or the impending D, I don't even post about DD). I scroll through every day for news, see what's up with members of my social circle and that's it. I don't even know if it's triggering me when someone like STBXSIL posts something.

Please impart your wisdom!

do I delete these people (STBXSIL, WS' cousins, a couple of WS' friends, WS himself) from social media? I've been debating it and have no clue what to do.

Depends on intensity of their posts and whether ex and Ap will appear there. It's really how staying friends would impact staying NC with your WS. I deleted MIL & Spouse (obviously), but kept her SIL. She really doesn't get along with my ex and it was a way to watch the nephews grow up from a distance. The eldest was in grade school the year we split and now he's in grad school. My ex's aunt friended me a couple of years back. We've been divorced for 12 years so didn't see a problem from that at that point.

You can unfriend, but you can also snooze people for 30 days and see how you feel.
If it made your life better then block them or re-snooze.