SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow. Almost thirteen years since my first D-Day and I am still hurting. Stayed with my H for a number of reasons, but now looking at life at the age of 63, an empty nest, and realizing that there are many days I don’t even like my H much anymore.

What he did was so devastating, it broke me.

I will never be the same person I would have been had he not cheated. Had he remained faithful.

And for that I am still so fucking angry.

I feel like I allowed him to sweep way too much under the rug for the sake of our kids, but am now understanding the real cost it took on me.

For anyone still struggling years out, my advice would be to leave.

I would rather be alone right now than to feel so lonely with him.

What is the point.

You have been heard and everything you are feeling is totally understandable.

So, at 63 you still have some good years ahead of you.

Your choice now may be economics mixed with your social situation at home.

I would rather be alone right now than to feel so lonely with him

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In 12 years (at age 75) will you regret that you didn't move forward with leaving this year?
Will you look back and say, "The last 10 or 11 years could have been filled with more happiness and peace by myself"?

OR
If the economics of leaving at this point are too daunting, could you get some counseling to lay some of that hate down and just live neutrally like roommates who coexist?
To be clear, I'm not saying forgive him, or like him, or heal the marriage. I'm suggesting that hate and anger tend to burn WAY more energy in the person who is carrying it around than it ever harms the person who they are focusing the hate/anger on. So, laying it down and reaching a state of true indifference to your WH is a gift to yoursel.

You have boiled your situation down nicely, and you know you're not happy. No matter if you stay or go, taking some action to create more happiness for yourself is worth it.

Thank you for such kind wisdom. You really did make me focus on the heart of the matter at this point in time. I cannot leave now, for both financial reasons and also because of the place my daughter is in her life right now.

The time for me to have left should have been at the beginning. I know there are people who have found a way forward together and been very successful with it.
If I knew then what I know now, as the saying goes.

My only option is to accept my decision to stay and find some way to find my own happiness. Or at least peace and acceptance.

I just wish I could be the person I would have been before this all happened. I miss her.

I just wish I could be the person I would have been before this all happened. I miss her.

You ARE her. Believe that. Live it.

She's in you--just help her get her bitch boots on and walk around. I don't mean be a bitch to others; I mean be a bad bitch for yourself.

He didn't break you. You're just dented. You got knocked down, but you're standing now. I see that. No one can break us unless we allow it...and we don't allow it, yes?

Think about that woman you think you miss and take steps toward being her. Little steps are okay. It's all progress.

What's one thing you can do this week toward that goal?

I think you could be a better person. I wanted what I was planning for my future but suddenly it was gone. Then I had to get busy creating something new. Don't be stuck in sorrow for the past. Who you might have been. Take your precious time left and be a great person today. Yes I wish I had my dream. Yes I wish ws had not blown that up. It didn't stop me from having a happy life.

You choose. You create something that gives you joy. Take what you have and make the best that you can. Don't compare to something on tv or what someone else has or what you wanted before. What can you do right now to bring peace and contentment?

Life can be good anyway. No use to be upset forever about what happened. Don't let it hold you back from enjoying the remaining time.

My pal is a widow now. Her life is tough without the financial support. Even though they were happy, now she's alone and doing her best to manage. If you need to stay with ws try and make it 5he most beneficial situation possible.

Free up your mental energy for making things better. It's a tough situation but better than being too stressed and angry. Hard to live like that every day. Get out and take breaks. Give your mind a rest.

Selfish people wear you down eventually, as does providing emotional labour for all and sundry. I hope someone in your life takes care of you as well.

emptyheart,

I would not be surprised if there are MANY on here who have stayed for whatever their reasons might be and are now regretting that decision. So I do not think you are alone at all.

I totally get it that you are finding that you just don't even like your spouse any more, which I do feel is something that is the "biggest" thing that a marriage needs to be able to stay together. You have to like them and you have to trust them. Trust being absolutely a must as well.

What's really a bummer is that if one had a choice and if you wanted to pick a "room mate" to live with you, that the spouse would not be someone you would pick! But we are stuck with them now.

I find when a WS has not gone thru the hard work to find out why they felt lying and cheating to their spouse is now someone who has never really matured in life, a therapist explained it to me that my WS stayed emotionally stuck in one time period and never moved on from it. So now as we get older I just find we now have nothing really in common, in fact he will feel and see me emotionally moving away from him and still try his little dirty tricks that always got a rise out of me to get "some" kind of attention from me. And what he does not realize is that the more he does it, the more he pushes me away. I am litterally not in love with someone who is immature and continues to just be a huge anchor on my life.

So your choice is to stay, so many will tell you to find an outside life, but now what to do with the other person in the house who will watch you walk out the door and do different things without them? Do you care? See there is that nice person in me that just has a damn hard time doing that, gotta work on that one for sure.

I wish you the very best in finding your happiest life, especially after Covid and all that is happening in the world, life is short and time is a ticking! Take care of you!

emptyheart - I feel your pain.

I've just passed the 7 year mark of DD. The first couple of years were a blur, then I felt like we were in a better spot and now...meh. I'm not sure if COVID has had something to do with it or not. I find I'm a lot less tolerant of poor behaviour in general. My H has been working from home for almost 3 years now, which drives me crazy. I work part-time out of the house, thankfully. So, I definitely think that plays into this. I used to have the house to myself when I wasn't at work, now I'm NEVER here alone.

I too regret not pulling the pin day 1 sometimes. But at the time I was terrified of trying to support 3 young kids (15, 13 and 11 at the time). I've come to realize that while I still care for my H, I don't really like who he is as a person most days. It's comments that he makes about world "events" or even people that we know. It's sometimes the way he talks to the kids, who don't really put up with the digs anymore, which he thinks is funny (the digs, not the fact they don't take it), sometimes it's his passive/aggressive behaviour. And sometimes it's just the way he breathes. I'm almost 56 and I think "where would I be if I'd made a different choice". Admittedly, I could be somewhere much worse, but....

I think there's a part of me that is still very hurt by his actions. And I'm starting to feel like I may be one of those people that isn't going to ever come back from this. My H was very remorseful, forthcoming with anything I asked about, did a lot of work and will still talk without being defensive or blame shifting. But I'm just not feeling it anymore.

So, I really have no advice. Others have given some that I should probably take! Just wanted to say, you're not alone in how you're feeling! Take care xo

Edited to fix my math - ugh!

[This message edited by likeapinball at 8:55 PM, Tuesday, November 8th]

I am 10 years out, and I can completely relate. Around the 7-8 year mark I finally saw clearly and was tired of being the person that H "made" me. I realized that I was putting their feelings ahead of mine (my! are there regrets for that) and I was lost - just completely lost and wandering through life.

I didn't really like who I was and of course I blamed H, but decided that I am not going to let it define me anymore. Of course there is much more to it than that. I know this won't be the same for every situation, but as I learned to love myself again (my past, my present, and my future self) and defined myself without worrying about what anyone else thought - my whole life changed.

I hate that it has taken me 10 years to get to this point, but I think it had to happen this way. There were so many lost years, lost joy, and don't get me started on the ways I could've been a more emotionally mature parent to my young kids had my heart not been ripped apart. (this I'm still working on, but I firmly believe that it's NEVER too late to connect with your children)

So when I say I think it had to happen this way (take this long for me), I mean that the second that I realized that this was about me and my own self love - there was no turning back and my momentum to experience joy again never stopped. It took so long to get to that point that when I did get there that the change was swift and mighty. And with that came the decision that -I am who I am- and I will remind my H of that anytime I get pushback on something, because they have their own fears themselves. I stumbled upon a hobby (hopefully turned career) that I am so passionate about, and yes that meant that I had to spend time apart from H. Was there pushback? Absolutely. But by loving myself enough to pursue something that brings me so much excitement, H realizes that I am happy and I'm not going anywhere (their fear).

So as of today, I am at a point where I need to put it out there that I've overcome something so monumental in my life. The people that know what happened have barely ever asked how I was doing - so this really has been a long and lonely struggle - which I can honestly say I am proud of. I can say... this is who I am and who I want to be. I love myself and will not be afraid anymore. I find that as the love for myself increases, the grasp I have on those past emotions slowly loosens. I let those emotions go in the wind and say thank you but it's time for you to go.

18 years out, and glad I stayed. So very, very glad. It wasn't easy.

We made it work.

Not saying more than that. Encouragement to those working on it.

I had posted this lengthy long story last night and decided to just delete it all. No sense in revisiting old wounds every time I come here.

That being said, if I knew then what I know now, I would've divorced her on Dday, cashed out my 401k, bought a motorhome and disappeared off the grid.

[This message edited by Mechanic at 12:48 PM, Tuesday, December 13th]

That being said, if I knew then what I know now, I would've divorced her on Dday, cashed out my 401k, bought a motorhome and disappeared off the grid.

^^^ This! Unless the WS is super remorseful and the BS is all on board will R work, otherwise it's a complete waste of time when you can be out living your life without the baggage. My M was not worth R nor my xWS

A good example is last night: My wife asks if I know anything about Whatapp? She wants to use it on her phone for business reasons.

Because we swept so much under the rug, she didn't know why I hated that app. 7 years ago, when I caught her cheating, I hooked her phone up to my laptop and I was able to see files not available on the app. Opened up the Whatapp main folder, saw a folder marked "sent", opened it up and found a pic of my darling wife smiling with 3/4 of her chest spilling out.

So here I am, explaining to her NOW why I hate the app and dragging all those emotions from 7 years ago to the surface and why I don't want it on her phone. She was quiet for a second then asked, "did it show who I sent it to"?

"No", I said. Then 5 minutes later it hits me....Who? It should be OM. Why did she ask me that? The only obvious answer is she sent it to someone else. Maybe there were more? Of course, she shuts down now, there is no more bringing up her affair. I probably don't want to know anyway.

I wouldn't be going through any of this now, had I got that motorhome!! I'm pretty sure I'd be in Florida or SOMEWHERE where its warm and sunny, walking my Newfoundland dog named Bear (because I always wanted a Newfoundland dog named Bear) along some sunny warm beach.

7.5 years out from big DDay, lots of other bullshit he's done since then that I would have been spared if I'd left on DDay. Absolutely wish I'd left. There are some thoughts out there that stress can be a factor in cancer - so I blame him for so many things, including my current battle. And yup, definitely times I look at him being an asshole and think, Jesus I don't even LIKE this guy! But there's always been some practical reason to stay - usually financial (I'm the breadwinner and I don't want to lose half of everything I worked for while his lazy ass was looking for his next ego kibble) and now because, if I lose this battle, my kids need a parent - even a shitty one.

There are some thoughts out there that stress can be a factor in cancer - so I blame him for so many things, including my current battle.

Sweet Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that, at the same time I get it because a couple of years ago I wound up having a heart attack at the ripe old age of 57. I was 5 years post Dday, but it was the same time Covid hit and financial stress, job stress, and a sneaky suspicion that she was cheating again, all brought me into the ER for what I assumed was acid reflux. (After digging super deep and VAR monitoring, my suspicions were alleviated. She knows she's out the door if I prove another affair).

I don't have any emotional reasons to stay - my kids are grown and out. But there's the house, loans, car payments and bills. I'm currently collecting disability, so she'll get half of it if I filed for divorce - plus my retirement. We'd both be bankrupt, so it's not worth it. I compartmentalize just like you. Hey, at least the dogs show me affection.

The suck ass part: When I first found out, I talked with a lawyer. Now I'm not sure if this was all true, but the lawyer told me since I could prove infidelity, I wouldn't have to pay alimony, just child support. Also, if she moved out, DO NOT LET HER BACK IN (she moved out for about a month). Once she's back, that shows attempt at reconciliation and alimony is back on the table.

Dummy me let her back in - my IC at the time said it was the right thing to do.

Anyone know where I can find a time machine?

Emptyheart,
I know very much what you are going through. Our dates are not terribly far apart. I am 59 years old now. There are times I feel just like you said. Then other times I do not. I also am no longer the person I was back then. I miss her too. I miss that fact that she trusted people at their word and loved life so much more.

It took me years to find a peace within myself. I found I was really angry with myself for not caring more for me, but worried about others. I didn't stand up for myself. I betrayed myself. Before I was married, by Dad had an A. I swore I would never be stuck 'having to stay', so I developed a very aggressive approach to a career so I would never be dependent on a man. What happened? I became emotionally dependent and couldn't' pull the plug. I found I had to find forgiveness for myself. I forgave him...as I needed to so I could move forward. Forgiveness for him came easier than forgiveness for myself. Am I still angry...yes at times. I am not who I would have been had he not had an A. However, I also wouldn't be how I am if he had not. Maybe I am better off now and stronger? I don't know, but I know I cannot change the past but I can impact my future.

13 years later for me...I have found peace with where I am in life. I love him, but not 'in love'. I don't even know what that is anymore. There are times when I wish we weren't together but other times I am grateful we are. We are friends, we are in a good place in life. We do things together and stay intentional to meeting our common goals. He apologizes occasionally still, he still thanks me for 'keeping him'. He acknowledges he ruined the old 'us'. That helps me to know he really is remorseful. If he were to have another A...I would be done, but I do not think he would. I do not think this time in life that I would want to start all over again. But, if I hated the situation, I would really examine it. Life is short already and too short to be miserable. As you examine your situation, how can you be happy with you while still residing together? It is not easy, and the struggle is real. I do not think for me it will ever go away, but it isn't sitting on my shoulder every day. The OW and her spouse have both died, so I never have to worry about her popping up again. She reached out a few times through the years, but I know he did not reach out to her.

I did find it helped if I tried to do something fun with my husband and tried to make new good memories. I hope there is something in here that helps give you something to ponder.

I will never be the same person I would have been had he not cheated. Had he remained faithful.

I get that you feel this way. But YOU are the same person. Your perception of your life changed 13 years ago and it was painful. You could no longer count on your marriage. You lost what you thought you had. Your WH screwed up the marriage, he tricked you and lied to you. He is not the same person you believed him to be and your marriage is not the safe harbor you imagined. This is a very painful awakening. But you can forgive yourself for being naive and learn not to count on WH. So after 13 years of pain maybe you can accept that your WH is a schmuck and he is who he is. You were hurt by the discovery of the truth, by being fooled. Let go of the hurt by becoming empowered to rely on you, yourself.

I'm in the same boat. I married (unknowingly) a liar and a cheater. Come to find out after years of misguided adoration, he is a man of little character and values. He is not the man I thought he was. He is not the man he presents himself to be. I never imagined he would sink so low. I was gullible and I was easily blinded by my utmost faith in my rock of a husband. I know now not to expect true love and emotional commitment from him as he is incapable. He just does not have what it takes. I was wrong to assign these attributes to him. Yes, he now does nice things for me, is home everyday, he is attentive. We have shared some good times, even since DDay. He has always been a good provider and reliable in other ways. These are nice but these things are not the selfless love of a true marriage. Learning this truth is painful. I grieve the loss of something I never really had. I am holding on to the lesson, but not the pain. I have to accept my WH for the man he is - a nice snake in the grass who can't feel for others. I, too, am 63, and struggle to imagine a new life. Everyday I ask myself if I should leave the marriage or just keep him as a pet.

Nearly 8 years out and I think about this often. What would life be like now if I had left at day 1? Many mixed feelings keep me kind of stuck and numb. Stayed to keep the family together, but paid a big price. I hope someday it will really feel worth it. I am 67 now and we are empty nesters. Some days are okay. Rarely are they really good.