Well, not sure if you would think we are going a bit overboard with memorializing, but below is what we have done and are still doing. The hurt is still hitting in major waves, but this has helped me: a construction project for our dog's final resting place.
It started out as just a necessity: digging him a grave the day after Thanksgiving, when we learned that no area vets do post-mortems and the state vet lab was closed for 4 days. It quickly morphed into an inspiration for a 12 foot long, 3 foot high retaining wall of landscape block I would build just downhill of where we laid him. The idea for that hit me just after WH expressed his wish that the dog's remains be sited "on the higher ground, overlooking the garden and the barn he spent his time at every day."
WH pushed up tons of dirt with his huge tractor bucket, in order to scalp up enough from the slope to adequately bury the big dog. It was an emergency move - we had to do what we had to do - but it tore up the hillside. Next, I located a pallet of used wall blocks that was exactly enough to build a 12 foot long wall and cap it, with even a little mid-section set one course higher: a simple, serene solution to all that dirt we disturbed. It took me a week to build the gravel foundation, put up 12 feet of retaining wall, and then dump in and shovel 2 tons of gravel behind the blocks.
And as this was getting done, I recalled there is electricity up at our old well house, so my next embellishment will be to run underground cable from that building down to the wall, run it up inside the block, drill a hole in the top cap and install a lantern to shine over where he spent his happy years, despite it serving as only a poor reflection of the way he lit up our lives. I then realized how an electric outlet up there could also allow for a little holiday illumination during any remaining years here without him, so he will never be forgotten as we decorate for the season he loved the most.
See how 'creativity' can quickly get out of control?
I'm surprised at how the hard work of it all seems to be helping me cope with this loss. At my age, this project took time, some minor skin scrapes and sore muscles, even having heavy equipment doing the major earth moving. But each day I made progress on his gravesite, I could sense I was repaying a bit more of the debt I owe this dog, just for being the super animal he was to us all. I am transforming our memories of him into a long-lasting, visible aspect of our farmyard landscape - and I think he would "approve," since he always liked to supervise my work in the garden dirt. Then when I got done, he'd make a point of walking deliberately across my newly-tilled up beds, just to put his paw prints into the freshly-raked mounds of dirt.
Maybe finding a creative outlet and producing a tangible "memorial" you'll always associate with your beloved Chili Dog would help you, as well?
