SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LilB, I am hoping he pulls his head out of the sand and really gets his act together. Right now he is lovebombing you (sweet talking you and making promises he has NO intention of keeping). Why?

Could be a thousand reasons but the most common are:

He doesn’t want to pay alimony/child support

He doesn’t want to lose $ in a D

He doesn’t want to alter his lifestyle (he has you & OW)

He thinks he is smarter than you and can get you to sweep this mess under the rug

He doesn’t want to face his friends and family as a liar and cheater

He is using you as an excuse to string the OW sling (he doesn’t want to marry her either so refusing to D you shuts her up)

I think you get the gist of this.

We have seen this before. He’s hiding things from you and trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Luckily you have SI support yo ease through his charade of empty promises.

I don't see him lovebombing cause I don't feel the love right now.

There will not be any alimony or child support. Our children are grown.

He doesn't handle our finances I handle everything but he just got an inheritance from the sale of his parent's house. I've talked to a lawyer about all that. We have to split 50/50 but he doesn't know that and I want to contact more lawyers I didn't feel satisfied with this last one I went to.

He wants me to trust him that he broke it off with her. I'm not sure how he can prove that he did break it off it's not like I'm going to call her and I do not expect him to have her number memorized because he said she had him hooked up to some sort of app. And I actually believe him because I know how he is with phone numbers and yes I know he is a liar now but its just a thing I will have to keep a close eye on.

I agree he doesn't want to face his family.

He says they had no future plans to be together, remember her husband refuses to sign the divorce papers she is not divorced from her husband as of yet.

He says this woman pursued him and that he did not pursue her.

I'm answering these questions as he has answered me I am not making excuses I'm just trying to figure things out too. He also said no sex happened because he has medical issues in that area.

[This message edited by lilbritches at 2:35 AM, Thursday, January 5th]

If it were me I would have him answer any questions you need, for as long as it takes. Not as a punishment, but you have suffered a trauma. Your brain will play tricks on you. You deserve answers. It takes humility to face our bad choices. I would confront him with the notes. Make him face his words to the AP. Ask him straight out if he loved her and was planning on leaving you. He will minimize and say the words were meaningless, but if he is starting to feel remorse he will show empathy for the pain these words cause you. He needs to talk with you not stonewall. You’ve been married a long time. If he wants to try and rebuild trust he needs to look deep inside. He may not be up to it. He may want to rugsweep the whole thing and have you forget it. Don’t let him rugsweep. You deserve better. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:01 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

If it were me I would have him answer any questions you need, for as long as it takes. Not as a punishment, but you have suffered a trauma. Your brain will play tricks on you. You deserve answers. It takes humility to face our bad choices.

In time I believe he will. I found those love notes and they really did a number on me. I really don't see how he can take the affair underground she doesn't live in the same state as we do he no longer works at the same place she does, he actually has no job now so he is here with me. If he did take the affair underground she isn't going to be too happy about not seeing him for weeks at a time.

He’s lost his job over this affair? Is that accurate?

He’s lost his job over this affair? Is that accurate?

He told me no it was not because of the affair. But now that I have seen the termination papers I am convinced that the affair had a hand in him being careless at work. 2 times he was written up for not being in the correct area for break time. Both of those times she was with him and also got wrote up. And the third time he was wrote up it was for not performing his job up to standards.

He says they had no future plans to be together, remember her husband refuses to sign the divorce papers she is not divorced from her husband as of yet.

They are together NOW, or at least they were,and both are married. So a little thing like a divorce isn't the deciding factor as to whether they're together, or not. And who does he think he's fooling? A spouse can divorce their spouse without their permission and consent,lol. That's not up to her husband. A judge grants the divorce. He will then be forced to sign the papers,or be held in contempt, or not sign the papers and the judge's signature is all that's required.

This bullshit he's trying to sell you is ridiculous. He's trying to pretend they aren't together because suddenly what her husband wants is a factor.

she had him hooked up to some sort of app. And I actually believe him because I know how he is with phone numbers

SHE had him hooked up to an app? I think you'd be surprised to find out how tech savvy he is. It's super easy to download an app onto a phone. And..he can't write her number down and hide it somewhere?

she isn't going to be too happy about not seeing him for weeks at a time.

They don't have to see each other for the affair to continue.

He also said no sex happened because he has medical issues in that area.

If you read these forums for awhile, it's amazing how many men have medical issues,and can't have sex with their wives...yet miraculously CAN have sex with their girlfriends.

I know he is a liar

Indeed.

AND i'm back. for 2nd D Day 3rd D day 4th D day you get the picture, he never broke it off and now he left Sunday night and hasn't been back because he thinks I found his secret cheating phone and took it. I did not find the phone and I did not take it. I had a VAR in his truck and that's what got him busted. But here I am in pieces. Whats wrong with me? I know I don't deserves this but I keep letting it happen.

[This message edited by lilbritches at 6:13 PM, Tuesday, January 31st]

I’m sorry you are back but glad you followed the advice of a VAR. If I remember he swore he got rid of the phone but now thinks you have it? Keep him guessing don’t tell him anything you know. Did OBS ever get your messages?

he thinks I found his secret cheating phone and took it

He told you he threw it into a lake. I'm sorry, he can't even keep track of his own lies at this point. I'm not sure how much good talking to him going forward will do. Maybe time to start practicing the grey rock....

You should be so furious that your anger propels you to just start to separate or D or complete 180 him.

You just lost a 175+ pound liar from your life. Maybe look at it this way - you now have less drama in your daily life b/c you no longer care what he does.

It’s called moving on. And I hope you do so in any way you see fit. Start with packing up his clothes and things and telling him to come pick them up.

Start by seeing a great D attorney.

Start by doing a hard 180 on him.

Start by rejecting HIM for lying snd cheating.

If I remember he swore he got rid of the phone but now thinks you have it? Keep him guessing don’t tell him anything you know. Did OBS ever get your messages?

You are correct it was supposed to be at the bottom of the lake along with the affair. No, I have not heard back from the OBS.

I'm not sure how much good talking to him going forward will do. Maybe time to start practicing the grey rock....

He left because he thinks I took his phone, I took it way too far he says by taking his nonexistent phone. He also said that if I had ever loved him I would give him that phone back. He was big mad. How warped is that logic? So I guess he is gray rocking me? I haven't heard from him since Sunday evening when he stormed out.

[This message edited by lilbritches at 10:23 PM, Tuesday, January 31st]

It’s called moving on. And I hope you do so in any way you see fit. Start with packing up his clothes and things and telling him to come pick them up.

Start by seeing a great D attorney.

Start by doing a hard 180 on him.

Start by rejecting HIM for lying snd cheating.

The past 30 days have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. And talk about gaslighting to the ninth degree.
I'm partially deaf so anything I got on the VAR was hard for me to hear and I didn't want anyone else to listen so of course he used that all against me and said I was hearing things etc etc. And how dare I bug his truck and he doesn't even feel safe in his own truck now or garage. Oh well, I don't feel safe in my marriage.

I said it before and I'll say it again. Someday you'll want to thank him for the huge favor he did you by making his cheating and lies so obvious. Some people are tricked into infidelity for years because their spouses are such good liars. Take it as a sign from the universe to move on and find your true happiness.

(Still so sorry you have to go through so much to get there, however.)