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...so he went to go sleep in his truck tonight and wants to come back tomorrow. I said there ain't no coming back, leaving coming back we've been playing that game for 30 days now.

How is he going to prove to you that he was alone in his truck and not having an overnight play-date with the OW? I'll be honest, I would just assume that he'd picked a fight so he could be off with her and I would react accordingly by seeing an attorney and protecting myself.

Cheaters always seem to think that the BS is willing to play some kind of 'cat and mouse' game with them, but the bottom line is that you don't need proof of where he was tonight. He's been having an affair and he wasn't home. That's proof enough to decide you're done with his shit.

I'm so sorry.

^^^^ CT is so right.

I would totally bet money that he picked a fight to get out to see her.

Don’t let him keep you in a cycle of abuse.

I’ve learned a lot about the cycles of abuse and you can actually get very intoxicated on the cycle of extreme lows mixed with the extreme highs if he comes back tomorrow and you make up.

The extreme highs are even higher because of the extreme lows.

Then it happens the following week and you’re back in the same cycle.

This is very common.

Don’t let it happen.

Your getting some great advice.

You’re worth a lot and you absolutely deserve someone who you can trust and who loves you.

If he’s not hot enough get him a gym membership and maybe some plastic surgery

I’m so sorry.

You don't realize it right now, but he just did you a tremendous favor! Take it as a sign from the universe that it's time to move on without him.

I'm sorry you're ill and going through this. I hope you feel better soon, physically and emotionally.

He came back an hour and half later saying he broke it off with her and offered to get the phone back to her but she told him to ditch the phone. He says he threw the phone in the lake we live close by a lake. He wants forgiveness and he's seen the light he loves me and wants to reconcile. I'm still sick with the flu and not having a good go of it right now I agreed he could stay to help me while sick then we can go from there. I wanted to see that phone, for the past 30 days he has been noncommitted to me and our marriage saying he doesn't know what he wants he didn't try to comfort me or break it off with her until yesterday when it was the same frustrating argument about me rehashing things so he said he was going to leave that he didn't want to live like that and I said bye. I'm going to heal up and rest and go from there.

Feel better soon! It's miserable to be sick on top of everything else.

Hugs to you.

You were right to tell him no back and forth.

He thinks you will relent and rug sweep. But for your own sanity, you must not waver.

You deserve the truth.
You MUST have all your questions answered. And you need reassurance. Nothing unreasonable in any if that.

Stay strong. Here's to a better new year!

Get some rest and recover, don’t believe him right now, I don’t believe he threw the phone in the lake, he is trying to move on asap.

He wants forgiveness and he's seen the light he loves me and wants to reconcile.

Wow you don’t gain a year of clarity in one night. He wants to manipulate you into getting over it. You took control and he can’t stand it. Hold on to the power you have gained.

So sorry for you. I found out the extent of my husband's cheating after 52 years of marriage. It's been sheer hell the past year when he admitted his infidelities. I knew about an affair back in 1990 but learned he cheated again in 2000. Just today, I have decided to give him a "fresh start" to do list. I have stayed for a myriad of reasons including financial ones. My list for him includes that he must tell our adult sons about all of his past infidelities.
This all came about after a COVID induced psychosis when he blurted out all of his cheating after I caught him sexting with multiple women on Facebook. I was devasted but they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so I must be a reincarnated Atlas. I never cheated although I was approached multiple times. I am still quite attractive and look much younger than 71. I took my vows seriously and made the mistake of marrying someone who only stayed faithful for less than three years. I feel very ashamed to have had such poor judgment. I have the IQ of a genius and feel so stupid. You say he has no phone and can't use a computer; I would not be too sure of that. He may have a totally secret life.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best. This is a wonderful forum to vent your frustrations.

I learned of her affair at about the same time you did - 31 years of marriage. Please arrange for IC, not MC, for both of you. It will help you deal with this tremendous hurt. Whether you R or D, it will be an aid to you. Seek out a therapist who is Gottman Institute trained. Remember, that there is nothing that you did that could be healed by an affair. We R and I am DDAY +21 years. Still in pain but glad I stayed.

Get some rest and recover, don’t believe him right now, I don’t believe he threw the phone in the lake, he is trying to move on asap.

This is my plan for now just to rest and recover. It's been a rough 30+ days and I'm in no shape to make any major decision.

Wow you don’t gain a year of clarity in one night. He wants to manipulate you into getting over it. You took control and he can’t stand it. Hold on to the power you have gained.

You are quite right, He wasn't even gone 2hrs. Something happened in that 2 hours that I intend to get to the bottom of before we can even move forward. It's been 30 days of him not knowing what he wanted to making a quick decision in less than 2 hrs of me telling him my final decision and what my boundaries were. And he wants things to go back exactly the way they were before, nope not on your life mister things are going to change around here. This man was treated like a king and had free reign to do as he pleased without question, that's how much I trusted him it's going to take a lot to get that level of trust back. This 30 day stalemate of his is really bugging me. I should have been his1st and only choice. UGH I'm rambling now. I need more sleep and healing from this flu it's kicking me hard.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm listening and I'm trying to follow it but I'm a mouthy lil short girl who just can't keep her mouth shut when I need to. lol.

It's been 30 days of him not knowing what he wanted to making a quick decision in less than 2 hrs of me telling him my final decision and what my boundaries were.

That's not unusual. Happened to me. Happened to a few other members here at SI. My fWH would have happily sat on the fence for whatever amount of time I allowed it if I had given him that chance. My first impulse was to divorce him and that's the decision I made on dday. No one was more surprised than I was to find myself open to R. Within a week or so, it was him coming to me and asking for more time, and when he messed that opportunity up, I gave him about thirty seconds to make up his mind, in or out. WS's CAN make decisions. They just don't want to.

I do think that you're right and that something happened during that two hours. Perhaps a spat with the OW? It will be wise to get to the bottom of that.

I just caught him with a cell phone talking to her while out in the garage. Now he is mad at me that he says he is even disgusted in me because I pounded on the garage window to get his attention. Now he is taking off mad. He is gone he will be sleeping in his truck tonight. I made him hand over his debit card because I don't know where he is going and I don't trust anyone not to get into our account. I told him to get his own account and debit card.

Wow. I'm so sorry you are here. I remember how it felt the first time my WH got mad at me bc HE got caught. For me it didn't get better, just way worse. Mine never stopped lying, just got better at hiding lies and angrier each time I caught him in them. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'd suggest practicing the 180. You can find I to in this group on it. I'd say if you don't have kids cut your losses and run. But even with kids that might be the best option. I stayed for my kids and I wish I could take back some of the stuff they've witnessed.

You deserve better. He may try to place some blame on you. Do not listen to it. We are all flawed. Deciding go step out on your marriage is HIS decision. Regardless on what you decide, make him own that. Never feel bad about yourself bc he's a broken person that made a choice to betray you and the marriage. You are in a great community with tons of support.

I'm not sure your WS deserves the gift of a reconciliation attempt but if you do, get this book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". Read it and give it to him. That is the minimum he needs to do. Reconciliation is extremely difficult when both are fully in, both need to work hard.

I wish the best for you.

I went snooping in the garage today found old love notes that they left each other at work. Also found his termination paperwork her name is on it so they both got in trouble at work but only he was fired. I took pictures of the love notes and made copies of the termination papers. WH doesn't know I've found this stuff but it has hit me hard today and I want to say something so bad. He wants to reconcile and I'm not there yet I can't trust him. He is asking me to trust him that it's over that he broke it off. But no proof to show me I told him he knew I wanted that phone and I did offer to mail it to her just so I could have closure he says the phone is long gone at the bottom of the lake. I told him that's just going to take me longer to trust him again since I didn't get to see the phone at all or hear the break up. I'm just supposed to trust after him fence sitting for 30 days.

I'm just supposed to trust after him fence sitting for 30 days.

No ma'am, you are not. If you are looking for permission, you have mine. This man is wildly outside the bounds of what is acceptable in a marriage. He is now asking you to trust him and you have already caught him with a secret phone. He has no qualms with lying to you to get the result he wants. The reason you are questioning it all is because your gut is dead ass right. I am so sorry this is happening to you, but you do not deserve this shit.

People def reconcile, it is absolutely a thing but your partner has to be a good candidate. Constantly looking over your shoulder, always questioning where he has been, being made to feel crazy, constantly feeling insecure and inadequate is truly a terrible way to spend your limited precious time.

Stop listening to his words and watch his actions.
They certainly show you he isn't remorseful and just wants to sweep this under the rug. Stick to the 180.

I believe his cell phone is at the bottom of the lake about as much as I believe I will be the next Queen of England. My bet is that he's taking the A underground. Sorry, if he wants a chance to save the M, he's gotta go fishing for that damn phone until he finds it and brings it to you. At the very least, he should supply you with the phone number so you can call it in front of him and listen for the ring/buzz or see if the OW answers it. And I'd keep calling it at random times to make sure it's dead.

Also being a woman that can't keep her mouth shut, I'd have a hard time not asking him why he doesn't just give up on your M and go be with the OW? But that's probably because I should have asked my WXH that exact question, and never did. But then again, I didn't ask at the time because I was afraid of the answer. I did eventually D him and he married the OW. I would have saved myself so many months of pain if I had just had the guts to ask him when I found out he had continued the A and just driven it underground. He also had a burner phone, so your latest news touched an old wound for me.

One thing I will never understand is why any WS participates in false R and drives the A even further underground. Is having your cake and eating it too so very satisfying that it is worth emotionally crushing your BS even further than you already have?

You have zero reason to trust him. Zero. This is just black and white logic.

The struggle for BS's is that it takes us too long (usually) to truly believe that. We hold on to the person we knew or thought we knew. The mind keeps hopping back and forth between what we believed for so long and what we are seeing. The mind can't truly make sense of it ... at first.

As hard as it is, you must keep reminding yourself (your heart) that he is not trustworthy. He simply isn't. He's got his own internal fuckedupness that led to an affair and then to his waffling/scrambling/panicking over how to save himself. His mind is a complete cluster fuck right now and it is NOT thinking of you. It's thinking of saving his own ass. His heart belongs to the OW at the moment. So he has that battle going on as well.

Don't let his dysfunction ruin you. Acknowledge to yourself that he is completely dysfunctional right now. Like a cornered animal, he will behave irrationally.

Protect yourself. Assume the affair has gone deeper underground or perhaps, the OW is the one who ended it. And if she did, you are his plan until she resurfaces again. Which is super likely. Affairs are middle school level - break up, get back together, break up, drama, rekindle, fuck off, I love you, I miss you, fuck you.

Don't stick around for that shit. Be the adult. He's in or he's out and if he's in - he has a fuckton to do to regain your trust.

The first step is proving he has ended things with OW and the reasons for that. It's his job to figure out how to prove that but if I were you, that would be my position. Prove it no balls. Until he does, 180 and start focusing on you and you only.

I'd have a hard time not asking him why he doesn't just give up on your M and go be with the OW? But that's probably because I should have asked my WXH that exact question, and never did. But then again, I didn't ask at the time because I was afraid of the answer. I

This describes so many betrayed spouses on dday.

After 6 months of hearing "I want a D" from my H, when dday2 rolled around I was well prepared. I told my H I was D him b/c I had no other choice and he was free to be with the OW — or anyone else.

I no longer cared.

LilB, I am hoping he pulls his head out of the sand and really gets his act together. Right now he is lovebombing you (sweet talking you and making promises he has NO intention of keeping). Why?

Could be a thousand reasons but the most common are:

He doesn’t want to pay alimony/child support
He doesn’t want to lose $ in a D
He doesn’t want to alter his lifestyle (he has you & OW)
He thinks he is smarter than you and can get you to sweep this mess under the rug
He doesn’t want to face his friends and family as a liar and cheater
He is using you as an excuse to string the OW sling (he doesn’t want to marry her either so refusing to D you shuts her up)

I think you get the gist of this.

We have seen this before. He’s hiding things from you and trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Luckily you have SI support yo ease through his charade of empty promises.

In his mind we are in R, he broke it off with her and he says he realized what he was about to give up and he made a decision THAT day because I had told him he was either in or out and there was no coming back if he stayed gone that night. We've all been sick with the flu and it has been terrible so there has been no deep discussion about things yet. I'm trying to play it calm and I just triggered myself today when I found those notes. Should I confront him about the notes I found? I'm sure he brought them home when he was fired from cleaning out his locker. They were with his termination papers that I didn't know about. Should I confront him about that?