SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You do realize that you don't have to tell him ANYTHING right now, right? Please please please stop telling him things that you are going to do, what you are doing, or what you have done.

I kind of have to tell him because I need someone here as a caregiver for a family member. I don't want to reveal much more than that but yeah sadly I need him to be here before I can leave.

This is so devastating. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I think you are doing an incredible job under the circumstances. This is just going to be horrible for awhile but you will gain your strength back as you go and gain strength that you never had in the process. Your situation will change as the days go on. Your husband's other relationship may completely implode. He may come back with a new attitude about your marriage and new lies. You may have a new perspective and it might be fueled by emotions. It seems like you might be on the only viable path at this point (fortunately or unfortunately). If you do come to a point where you see 2 paths, you need to try to be as level headed as possible. From my perspective, I would suggest that you continue with your divorce plans and if things change and there is a consideration of him coming back home, you should give him requirements. He does not get to make any demands. All of the advice given here will be helpful for a list of requirements. My advice would be that you require him to provide contact information for the other betrayed spouse. If there is any attempt at reconciliation, you need to be in contact with her. It would be your only chance to get some form of the truth.

You know what made my CH sit up and take notice?

Dday2. The day I had enough.

After 6 months of hearing from him "I want a D" and treating me like a yo-yo and letting me think we were R while he’s still cheating.

Dday2. The day I told my H I was D him and I stood up to him. I was not crying. I was not angry. I was just calm, firm and executing plan B.

I didn’t tell him I was D him to stop his affair. I truly planned to D him.

That got his attention. And when he could. It manipulate me into agreeing to R he saw me in a different light.

It is his truck, and I would never do that.

Of course, you wouldn't. I'm sorry if my words caused you to take it that way.

You know what made my CH sit up and take notice?

Dday2. The day I had enough.

This^^^

When you reach that place, it is a watershed moment. The rain flows down the other side of the mountain from that point forward. It is when they think to themselves, "Oh crap, I just crossed a line and I can't back up." You will get there. Strength to you.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 10:19 PM, Tuesday, December 13th]

He says if I was to forgive him and he broke it off with her he wouldn't be able to live with me always questioning him and accusing him of cheating and not trusting him. I do agree with him on that I can't live that way and I refuse to. He would have to earn back my trust back and I don't think he is willing to do that.

Yeah, it sure sounds like he wants to avoid any consequences and any repair work. There's a reason why it's not a good idea to compete for your mate. It's because you're essentially entering into a bare-breasted mud wrestling match with the OW... and the prize is an unrepentant cheater. We tend to think of our options in the binary terms of R or D, but it's more nuanced than that. What satisfaction is there in saving the marriage if what we're left with is a cheater who's not really sorry, who's unwilling to change, and who's apt to continue cheating? The worst case scenario isn't necessarily the end of the marriage. It's being unhappy.

I do think that your WH is trying to manipulate you into accepting his terms, and his terms appear to be that he gets to do what he wants and not be questioned about it. That said, there's more than likely some real anxiety about what the future might hold if he comes back to you. Will he be in the doghouse forever? Can you possibly ever love him again?

This sounds kind of random, but I remember one conversation with my fWH soon after dday. He was trying to figure out if he decided to recommit to the marriage whether I'd ever let him back into my bed. At this point, I was still on the D path and he didn't know if there were any inroads, so he was trying (and failing) to be cagey about it. At a certain point though, I looked him in the eye and told him that I fully intended to have an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship again in my life ant that if it wasn't with him, it would be with someone else. It was one of those rare moments in life when you're looking into someone's eyes and you can SEE the penny drop. It had never occurred to him that my life would go on. He was so focused on himself. In his mind, I'd just sit on that shelf collecting dust and feeling sorry for myself.

The point is that the WS start off REALLY self-involved and focused on his own issues. Little moments like that one start to clear the cobwebs a bit. A day or two later, he was asking me to hold off on filing and give him thirty days to prove he could be trusted. Of course, he messed that up and we ended up having a 'come to Jesus' meeting where he had about thirty seconds to decide if he was in or out, but that's another story.

I do think there's sometimes a bit of genuine fear that maybe there's too much damage to come back from. I can even imagine a scenario where it involves bluster and bravado. So, I think there's merit in setting out your boundaries and expectations with great clarity. Here's the bottom line though... R needs to be on your terms, not on his. YOU are the aggrieved party here, not him. If you settle, you'll end up with the unrepentant cheater who walks all over you. It's okay to let a WS know that R is achievable, but he's also got to understand that it's hard and it requires change and vulnerability and discomfort. If he's not on board for that, he's just going to end up making you miserable anyway.

My advice is to see that attorney and to let your WH know that it's HIS job to impress you, not the other way around. He might leave. If he does, he was probably going to do it anyway.

((big hugs))

Klaviyo2, SI does not condone recommending any illegal actions.

Just got back from the lawyer. Not going to lie I feel hollow after the lawyer visit. I'm getting the silent treatment from WH since I've been home.

Does he know that's where you went? If so, he's probably scared sh**less right now. The fact that you're taking any type of control of the relationship also must have him double-checking his reality. As in, "Wait, I thought *I* was in charge here! What's going on?"

If this is the case, GOOD FOR YOU. You did great!

Please share with us what you mean by "hollow." We're here to help and support.

I’m sorry your WH has put you in this position. His continuing betrayal without remorse has left you with few options, none of them good. Continuing to live with an unremorseful cheater who will not help you heal or going through a D. I’m sure the last thing you want is to pursue a D but you need to see what your rights are and what life after D might entail. Sending you support.

Does he know that's where you went? If so, he's probably scared sh**less right now. The fact that you're taking any type of control of the relationship also must have him double-checking his reality. As in, "Wait, I thought *I* was in charge here! What's going on?"

If this is the case, GOOD FOR YOU. You did great!

Yes he did know where I went. And I just looked on our security video and he headed straight for the garage I'm sure to telephone her.

Please share with us what you mean by "hollow." We're here to help and support.

I'm not feeling super confident. I guess it's just seems to easy to get a divorce, the lawyer says it's our (lawyer's) main goal to get everything split evenly and that's that or I'm just still in a daze and I do not perceive things correctly. I'm still not in the right state of mind. And I feel like I'm playing catch up while everyone is at the finish line and they are just waiting for me to finish.

Do i confront him about going to the garage the minute I left? I mean he did say if I went to the lawyer that was pushing him closer to the door.

Hi Lilbritches,

This sucks and I am sorry you are going through it. He seems to love to use manipulation. The silent treatment is manipulation. He is using it because you are not doing what he wants, so he will make you feel bad and pull on your emotions so you get back where he wants you. Where he wants you is a place that is good for him, but you effectively have to sacrifice yourself in order to remain there.

He is trying to make you feel bad for your response to the situation HE CREATED. He didn't consult you on his way into the situation and it is wild for him to expect for you to consult him while you figure out how to get out of it. Pretty typical main character behavior, how dare you worry about yourself (especially when he sure af is not) and not him?

I am not saying you won't eventually reconcile. I am just saying at this exact moment, this dude is obviously NOT a candidate for reconciliation. He needs to start to conceptualize what life will be like without you in it. You can help him with this! I think you are well on your way to doing this. Separate as much as you possibly can. Move him out of your bedroom and ask him to find another place to sleep. Move his shit into the garage or storage. Split up the finances. Don't talk to him unless its about kids or finances. He doesn't want to talk to you, great! That is less bullshit you have to subject yourself to. You are no longer just a passenger in this, you are taking the wheel. He can waffle back and forth on what he wants, but you can make decisive moves that communicate that this situation is not acceptable and you will not abide.

Either this is an exit affair, and the separation will be good because you can begin to heal and move on OR this will shock the shit out of him and he will start panicking and trying to figure out how to make this right. Either way, you are out of infidelity.

Keep posting!

Either this is an exit affair, and the separation will be good because you can begin to heal and move on OR this will shock the shit out of him and he will start panicking and trying to figure out how to make this right. Either way, you are out of infidelity.

I'm panicking too. My heart doesn't want him to go. And I feel disgusted with myself because I always said if you cheat you are gone, now I feel like a liar and WEAK why do I feel weak?

I wouldn't give up my sources on the garage cam. It might be beneficial later on that he doesn't realize you monitor that. That said, I'd be right up front and tell him that divorce isn't my first choice but that I don't intend to be bullied. Then, I'd schedule an appointment with two more lawyers. Bear in mind, that any lawyer who consults with you has a conflict of interest and can't be used by him, so think about who's good and who you want to take away as an option for him. This isn't to exacerbate the conflict. It's to cover your bases.

For right now, I wouldn't accept "the silent treatment". There's another word for that... "stonewalling". I'd tell
straight up that I see the stonewalling and that I am interpreting his recalcitrance as lack of effort and will to save the marriage. I'd tell him TO HIS FACE that he's forcing me to a defensive posture because I can SEE that he's not a bit sorry and that he doesn't care how he's hurt me. Tell him to let you know if he decides to pull his head out of his ass, and then give him the 180. You'll find more about that in The Healing Library. Just keep saying, "let me know if you're ready to work on it" and go about your business.

Bottom line... you can't R by yourself. If he's not going to come to the table, that's a choice he's making. If it were me, I'd make it crystal clear to him that non-action is action. He's making a choice and he's forcing you to defend yourself.

Do i confront him about going to the garage the minute I left? I mean he did say if I went to the lawyer that was pushing him closer to the door.

I would not confront him. Now is a perfect time to start the 180, or gray rock, or just focusing on yourself. Don't let him know that you are checking up on him; it just gives him the feeling that he is still central to your thoughts and actions. You need to focus on yourself and your actions. If he brings it up or questions you just keep the answers short and non-committal and act like you just don't care. "no", "okay", "I'll keep that in mind", "not right now". You aren't pushing him to the door, he's looking for excuses to blame you for his actions so he can draft a false narrative that takes all blame away from him. You could sneeze and he will turn that into "LB doesn't care for her health and tried to infect me with germs. I HAD to spend time away from home with someone who won't hurt me with sickness."

The longer you can keep gray rocking the more desperate and ridiculous his actions will become. Just like you can't control him, he can't control you.

Bottom line... you can't R by yourself. If he's not going to come to the table, that's a choice he's making. If it were me, I'd make it crystal clear to him that non-action is action. He's making a choice and he's forcing you to defend yourself.

This is the way I feel, no action is really action to me. He says I'm pressuring him when I ask him what he wants to do. It's been 2 weeks or better since the affair was exposed his choice to me should be easy. It should not be me jumping up and down saying pick me pick me.

This is the way I feel, no action is really action to me. He says I'm pressuring him when I ask him what he wants to do. It's been 2 weeks or better since the affair was exposed his choice to me should be easy. It should not be me jumping up and down saying pick me pick me.

I'd tell him that. He's trying to change the subject of the conversation by making it about you seeing a lawyer. But you SEE that as the diversion it is, a way for him to avoid recommitting to his marriage.

It's not a good idea to get into protracted argument with a recalcitrant WS, don't get me wrong on that. But you can count on the fact that he's still telling himself lies in order to justify his continued cheating. All you're doing is confronting the untruth. Non-action IS action. Picking a fight on another topic IS a diversion from the topic at hand. You see how that works. You bring clarity, then walk away and let him stew on it.

Do i confront him about going to the garage the minute I left? I mean he did say if I went to the lawyer that was pushing him closer to the door.

No this is a battle to protect yourself, don’t say anything to him. You should try to find that phone to see if you can figure out who the OW is. Also I kept quiet and silently gathered all the evidence I could. When she begged for R I told her she better tell me everything and not leave anything out. She didn’t know what I knew or how I knew, so she told me more than I had evidence for.

No this is a battle to protect yourself, don’t say anything to him. You should try to find that phone to see if you can figure out who the OW is. Also I kept quiet and silently gathered all the evidence I could. When she begged for R I told her she better tell me everything and not leave anything out. She didn’t know what I knew or how I knew, so she told me more than I had evidence for.

I know who the other woman is. I do not know her personally but it is an ex-coworker. I've left messages on 3 different voicemails for her husband for him to call me but I haven't heard back from him. I did call what I thought was her number but some little kid answered so I'm not even going get into that type of drama or mess.

[This message edited by lilbritches at 7:53 PM, Wednesday, December 14th]