I am so thankful for counseling. I was never one who was a disbeliever in it, but I was so lost and in such a terrible place when I started counseling, I just didn’t see how it would help.
Last week I surprised myself with the realization that it didn’t just help, it REALLY is helping me! And I had to laugh at myself!
This is what happened: last week my sister got into quite a vicious argument with her grown daughter and was sitting at a local park crying over the fight. So I went to talk to her. Her daughter told my sister that she (my sister) would have to change her ways otherwise no man would ever want her. (My sister is a widow).
So I was just listening and letting her work it out, when she asked me how I would have handled it if someone said that to me, and didn’t I want to be in another relationship? I just laughed. I said that one, I’m not anywhere near starting another relationship, and two, that I never ever wanted my happiness to depend on another person and that I never wanted to sacrifice my SELF to keep someone happy or keep them with me. It just hit me like an aha moment!
Then I just stopped. I didn’t even realize that was what I was feeling so long ago. I mean I knew I was putting up with a ton of shit from him and I was terrified of being without him, but it wasn’t RIGHT THERE in my head! I had to laugh and I cried because the woman I was then didn’t see that I deserved so much more than he was giving me and I didn’t know my own value. I mean of course I knew realistically, but to feel it deep down?
So therapy is valuable; it’s been hard, and scary, and enlightening. But I’m so thankful for these weekly sessions that have more than anything, helped me clarify my thinking. I know there are sorrows ahead in the ending of my marriage, because we were married so long. But it’s not the end of my future and life is already so much better without him. I can just see it now and that makes me happy.
Divorce wise: he’s still a dick. Mediation is set for next month, and I’m hoping he wants to just get this shit settled since he’s already shopping for engagement rings for the whore. On Amazon. Whatever, maybe it will usher this along faster.
