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I thought I was strong. I thought I was determined. I can't believe this is how D proceedings are going. A part of me is in denial. A part of me - in a true sign of weakness - debated just getting back together with disgusting, narcissist, evil WH to avoid all this anguish. He's going after the house, the kid, everything I worked so hard for in life while he sat idly by benefitting.

I'm numb. I'm in disbelief. I don't even know if I even have the anger in me anymore. I want to collapse in tears but I don't even have that in me.

Just looking for something to get me through. Do I expose him for what he is to his entire circle who might be able to get him to see the error of his ways? Is there a point? Would that make D proceedings worse? I feel so out of control and vengeful.

When do I wake up from this nightmare?

You ARE strong. Yes, you will have moments of weakness- totally normal. Most of us waffled once in a while… this stuff is hard and the pull of the past can be strong. But you know that if you went back, it would just be delaying the inevitable with some extra doses of pain for sure.

As for exposing him, play the long game. If playing nice will be beneficial for you and your DD, then play nice until after the D is final. Then do whatever you want. What you don’t want is him getting nasty/nastier and it hurting your future. This is HARD and requires patience. Your lawyer may be able to offer advise here.

Karma and life will take care of him. Give yourself a little extra care, and make sure you are getting support IRL. Sending strength (but you are strong and don’t need it!).

You have made your mind up - don’t waver!

Don’t expose him to his circle (yes it’s only likely to annoy him and make it worse)
Bitch on here instead!

Do you have a therapist to talk to?

Doublerainbow, I'm in the same sh**show too along with you. I played the long game when my STBXH cheated for the kids sake (DS & DD) they are now 14 and 15, he cheated again so a D it is.

Your STBXH will initially go after everything he can to throw your world off, there is legal rules to the D game so don't let that deter your strategy. A D with a narcissist along with co-parenting is a trainwreck, mine is also the same.

Mine took my son when he moved out, filed a TRO and is brainwashing my son completely. Do not second guess yourself, in my current experience be honest with your attorney and listen to their advice. In my situation it's going well on my behalf, STBXH has lied repeatedly already 3 months in on every legal request. You have to let yours self-destruct.

Don't do anything vengeful, that will ruin your credibility and bode badly in court. Your STBXH will ruin himself in time.

You have this, sending strength your way.

Thank you, all. I don’t know what I would do without this forum.

Barely I played the long game and held in dxposure for almost a year for that exact reason. My thread of logic in exposing him is that there is no way he can afford court, so part of me is wondering whether it’s his mom fronting him the money. I wouldn’t put it past him to lie about the reason behind D, could even go so far as lie and say I was the one who cheated. If I expose him to his circle / family maybe that cuts off the $ for him to drag this out in court bc any normal relative wouldn’t lend $ to a cheating POS. I don’t know if that’s just wishful thinking on my part.

Jammy I do have a therapist, one that specializes in betrayal trauma. I booked 2 appointments with her next week, that’s how deep I’m in the sinkhole.

Crazy. I admire your strength and am so sorry you are going through something similar. I always thought that if I had 2 kids or more than 2 I might not have been as determined to D bc it would have been that much harder like your experience.

I think I’m also dealing with the fact that I just discovered the term covert narcissist and it’s STBXHWH to a T. I spent the last 72 hours reading up on it, and every additional hour was like a slap in the face, a punch in the gut, a feeling of wanting to literally vomit. The coming off shy and reserved, the victim playing, the love bombing. The covert narc seems so much more terrifying than the regular narc, and now that I’ve educated myself on it I can’t believe I fell for this. I didn’t shower, I didn’t wash my face, I ate a few pieces of cheese and 2 slices of bread in the past 3 days. They need to teach this shit in school and they need to recognize this as abuse in the system.

I just feel so defeated and it’s only just begun. I look at my DD and it kills me to know the damage that a covert narc parent will have on her growing up. I’m already looking into therapy for her but I still feel so helpless.

We seem to be posting on each other's threads as we are going through similar experiences. 6 months ago I also had a thought that maybe I can just win my xW over and forget about this D madness. Fortunately, I had close people around who knocked that shit out of my head.

I know it's hard, but maybe you can try not to meet at the level of your xWH. Two wrongs do not make a right. On a practical level, for most people "blood is thicker than water" is the ultimate principle, so exposing will likely backfire. And 100% what CrazyTrain101 said.

I discovered Lisa Arends on Youtube. She went through a very traumatic divorce and she healed, maybe listening to her will give you perspective.

Lastly, easy with the cheese and all. It's really hard to take good care of yourself when you feel like falling apart, but if you don't have a better reason, take care of yourself because your daughter needs a mom. Time passes, you heal, you will be ok.

Hi
Also dealing with a covert narc

I know that feeling when you discover that is what it was

Dr. Ramani has some really good YouTube videos available. She deals with both grandiose & covert narcs. The vocabulary series she did was very helpful. She discusses things like flying monkeys, gaslighting, all kinds of things. One thing that she said that opened my eyes was when she was discussing if the narc knew what they were doing. Ask yourself, does your narc treat you differently when you're in public versus when you're at home? Yes, they know what they're doing to you and it's on purpose. He'd be great when we were around others, but at home wouldn't speak to me. Ugh!

ETA: My XWH was diagnosed by a psychologist. Not all people are narcs - some are just a$$holes. Dr. Ramani said that more people are sociopaths, which has overlapping criteria.

[This message edited by leafields at 12:15 AM, Saturday, December 17th]

Great book
Called the sociopath next door
And it has a sequel - how to deal with the sociopath

1 in 25 people are sociopaths

Fwiw I did call my MIL. I just told her I was sorry we were splitting up and that he had a gf and it was unacceptable to me. She was shocked bc he had told her we already had a court date and it was determined there was no adultery. I told her that I loved all the time I was in their family and that my children would always be available for her to see.
Xh sisters and xh got mad I called her but oh well.
I think she may have continued to help him financially but idk. (Your atty can request Financial statements from a judge, called discovery, but my atty thought we had everything but we didn’t).

I saw my IC a lot, and it really helped keep me on an even keel. Keep up with that and def get your child counseling. My kids, now 25 and 22, use tge tools they learned in IC to help them with their Dad. When he tells them they only visit when they need money, they logically tell him he’s been drinking and not to call until he’s sober. They don’t fight with insanity.

My xh also asked for the house, custody, etc. He didn’t get it.

Keep pushing forward, you got this.