SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So it is about 8 years post initial d-day of my wife's infidelity. And I feel like history is repeating itself.

8 years ago I found out that she had been having multiple "relationships" of different kinds while out on business travel... Long term things, one night things, emotional things. She claimed she never had sex with these guys but I found a playlist of music she had been listening to in the middle of the night for a half hour that makes things as red handed as it gets from across the country, esp when she admitted to having the multiple year guy in her room one on one at the same time she was listening to that music.

We did years of counseling. Had two kids. I have tried to recover from the hurt although I continue to drag the pain around with me and I do feel like it affects my ability to be open and intimate emotionally. I guess I'm guarded.

A few nights ago her company had a local Christmas party. It was supposed take place mostly during the work day and end around 530pm. She should have been home around 6ish. So when it was 7:15 and almost time for the kids to start bedtime (they wanted to see mom before starting the routine) I checked her snapmap to see where she was.

I find out she has been in a completely different part of town from the party, for over an hour.

I gave her a few chances to fill me on the details of her night when she came back. Asking how her night was. One time saying "so it ran a little later than it was supposed to" .... she said, "yeah a bit"... then went back to scrolling tiktok.

Later that night I confronted her more directly ... I think I said "so are you going to tell me the real reason that you were so late getting home?" I asked in a way that didn't let on what I knew and how... so for all she could know someone messaged me about what was going on or something. and she started to spill it a tiny trickle.

Turns out she went to another bar after the party. She was there alone with a guy from work.

Of course she has excuses. Other people were supposed to come and didn't end up showing up. It was "awkward." As soon as she realized no one was coming she left ASAP.

No excuse why she didn't bother to send me a message mentioning an after party hangout while heading there. No excuse for the "leaving ASAP" actually took 60-75 minutes once I got the timeline straight. No excuse for the fact that she never texted or called anyone during that time to say... "hey are you coming to after party hangout?" No excuse for not preemptively mentioning the awkward situation to me when getting home. No excuse for continuing not to mention it when I was asking about her night and hinting at the delay.

I'm not sad this time, just tired.

[This message edited by Jaakus at 6:52 PM, Monday, December 19th]

Sorry to read that you are suffering this.

Being that your W isn't a reliable source of info, and if you are interested, then you could ask to inspect her phone directly without the opportunity for her to scrub it. You could get a VAR, you could hire a private eye. You already know she is having romantic relationships but if the depth is a factor in reconciliation, then you could investigate it.

You could ask her, does she want to grow up and be a wife, that would include sharing all aspects of her life with you. But if you don't think she is up for that then end the relationship quickly so that the healing process can begin.

If you want to try and stay together, insist on access to her devices and social media, and she owes you a years long detailed timeline. If she waffles any, change the subject to talk of lawyers and the splitting of assets. At this point it would be helpful to keep your heart out of it and think of it as making a business decision. That will help keep starch in your tone in dealing with your immature W. Will she actually have to quit her job because she can't resist men? Ask her, does she have a reputation at work and are there people there feeling sorry for you?

From my experience, it helps to start over with someone that you don't have the awful memories with. Your best chance at healing is to get away from this person that has hurt you. Even if she goes golden today, you'll still be chewing for all time unless you can somehow start a new life with fresh, untainted memories.

[This message edited by Ivory at 8:08 PM, Monday, December 19th]

Sorry you are here. This looks like a red flag to be sure but it is possible she is telling you the truth about how she got there and she just ended up staying longer than she should have.

Did you find any number on the phone bill that she has been calling or texting excessively?

Does location data show a bar where she was? Do you know who the guy is and where he lives?

What is she saying about the guy and why she stayed? What is she doing now to help you?

Your wife is so immature that she is basically a child emotionally.

Think about this. You have probably become a different person because you have to be a grownup. Adults do not disappear. They stay in touch. Suppose one of your children needed ti ER. Would she be available. Children are self centered. So is your wife. She has had the time to grow up and she hasn’t done it.

Being tired means you have lived with elevated adrenaline and cortisol and others for years because of her behavior. That means your body has been worn out. Those hormones are to get you away from a lion trying to eat you. In this so-called civilized western society the only scary things we deal with now are things like cheating but our bodies don’t know the difference between that stress and the lion it just knows you are dealing with danger all the time.

To get out of infidelity you have to give yourself options. More MC, rugsweeping, polygraph or divorce. Your future is in your hands. Good luck.

Sorry you are having to re-live this nightmare.

You see she’s shady. Your call if you decide to stick around for more of the same.

I’m sorry you are back. There is a lot deception here. If you have done the work and the counseling, she has no excuse to withhold this from you, she knows better, so it can only be one thing. Deliberate.

Is she acting defensive or minimizing? Time to implement your contingency plan.

Jaakus, I’m so sorry you’re going through this repeat nightmare. Never easy at all, but around the holidays it stings just a bit more.

I had come to learn with my fWW that I really never got to understand what was going on in her head. I was well versed in her ability to lie, distract, blame, minimize, etc. However, I never fully understood who she was deep inside, because frankly I don’t think she knew either. I could never get to the heart of who she was as a person, or what her potential was to be a faithful spouse.

What I did know though, was who I was. What I need in life to feel safe and loved. What I want my day to day to look like, and what kind of people I want to surround myself with.

Given that you’ve been here before, and your wife chose to act in a way that disregarded your healing, and your marital wellbeing, I think the best thing for you to do now is know yourself. What do you want your life to look like?

She can decide if she wants to be a part of that life; and you can decide if you want to trust her with that honor.

Wishing you strength, and peace as you navigate these rough waters again. We’re here for you.

So the wheel has turned a full circle and you are back in time eight years ago.
Could be innocent, but as you said she had multiple times to say something. She just might be putting in the hard ground work for a new fling. Just rest and start the process you know what needs to be done.
Sorry you are back here in these circumstances.
One day at a time.

Hi OP. She sounds like a naughty teenager pushing the limits Daddy has set out for her.

You're tired? When she acts like that it would exhaust any man.

I might have suggested you give her a taste of her own medicine and disappear yourself some evenings out with the boys. But you've got two kids, someone has to be an adult here. And judging by her behaviour 8 years ago, chaos in a marriage might be her sweet spot.

Are you a stay at home Dad, or were you just babysitting the kids the night of the party?

siyotanka, right here at christmas does make it awkward. Having to just put pause on our issues until the new year as there are tons of activities and traditions with the kids to try and make normal.

SnowToArmPits, not stay at home dad. But I'm more flexible with from home. And therefore mostly primary parent

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:35 PM, Wednesday, December 21st]

duplicate

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:36 PM, Wednesday, December 21st]

I’d tell her that if she wants to have a chance you’ll be scheduling a poly after the holidays and that she’ll be selling something important to her to pay for it

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice….

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:36 PM, Wednesday, December 21st]

Did she tell you which co worker and which bar? If not, ask.

If it were me I would go to the bar and tip heavily to see any video footage if they had cameras.

Alone, with a guy from work.

At a bar in a different part of town.

And not telling you.

After all the two of you have been through originally.

I am sorry OP, but this situation looks extremely bad as far as your marriage is concerned. Even if "nothing" happened with this other guy (yeah, right), how could this possibly be innocent, even forgetting her previous infidelities. She is, at the very least, checked out and is teeing herself up for another affair by going on a date with another man. I'd lawyer up ASAP....

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:55 PM, Tuesday, December 20th]

Jaakus- So sorry you find yourself in this situation again. Although its no consolation, at least you know what you need to do now. Your wife is not a safe partner. I hope you are able to get through the holidays and plan to get out after the new year.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

she had been having multiple "relationships" of different kinds while out on business travel... Long term things, one night things, emotional things. She claimed she never had sex with these guys but I found a playlist of music she had been listening to in the middle of the night for a half hour that makes things as red handed as it gets from across the country, esp when she admitted to having the multiple year guy in her room one on one at the same time she was listening to that music.

Why in god’s name would you have continued a relationship with her and have children? And you believed her not having sex with all those men?
At the end of the day shouldn’t you have known what you were into to, when you stay with her?