SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At this point I can’t help but laugh. This is long and my story is a rollercoaster, so buckle up.

I had an 8 year relationship that resulted from a teen pregnancy with a guy I had only known for 6 weeks and later married. Lots and lots of infidelity on his part over the course of years that I found out about at the very end when I walked away, and I’m sure lots of infidelity I never even found out about. He was very emotionally closed off, loved gaslighting, emotionally abusive etc. I had known in my heart he was cheating from year 2 onward, but he never admitted it until the very END. During this marriage I essentially collapsed in on myself like a dying star, unable to feel comfortable or trust. By the time I left, it was 2017 and I was 27 with a 7 year old child, no money of my own, unemployed. I left him with $16 and no plan. Lol.

In this marriage I became a "wine mom" and withdrew from my family, friends, dropped out of college and completely lost myself. I fought like hell in a bitter divorce and custody battle to start working, rebuild my life from the ground up and be a better friend, family member, everything. Sober :)

By the time my WS found me, I was doing very well but was SUPER transparent about how hard I had worked to get to that point and that I would not condone cheating or dishonesty of any kind. Other than that, it did not matter. I enjoyed that he was a work in progress after also going through a horrible divorce with his own cheating spouse and was willing to take it as slow as I wanted. We were friends with benefits for over 18mo before we committed.

It’s like as soon as I committed to him fully, a mask came off. He was mean, negative, controlling. This time, I found myself not desperate to fix things like I was in my marriage, and I told him we need to take a break after only 3 months of dating. I missed my friend. I didn’t know who this person was. I started hooking up with an old FWB but we later reconciled, and I was honest. He told me I had cheated, and he was devastated. I vehemently disagreed that I had cheated and he said he would get over it eventually.

Fast forward the year from hell, including the death of my mother AND my best friend, totaling my car and suffering a miscarriage. It’s 2019. I am 29. He starts being INCREDIBLY mean, and for no reason. I am literally in the middle of my miscarriage at this point, and it’s around Christmas time. I am suddenly overwhelmed with an urge to look through his phone, for the first time ever.

And there it is. Emotional affairs with two coworkers, one more explicit than the other with lots and lots of complaining about me. Things that were blatant lies. Basically explaining away why I’m all over his social media and he lives with me and my child, but he’s not cheating by talking to them. I immediately confront.

He first tries to brush it off, lies, trickle truths. Then for some reason gets mean and aggressive for the next two weeks, telling me that he felt it was tit for tat because I had cheated and he liked these women because they were the opposite of me. He talked about wanting to be with one of the two. I invited him to do just that after the two week mark. I was just done. He did a 180 and immediately started love bombing me, and I stayed like an idiot. I know now it was because we were financially dependent on one another. But I started drinking again, worse than ever before.

I sank into a deep state of apathy regarding the relationship, but, like it was a drug, I kept going through his phone. Wanting to know everything became an obsession. Every single time I would find something. Porn, links for escort services, proof he lied about where he was certain days, proof he had told me he makes $200 less a week than he really did so I was sinking my whole check into bills yet he had fun money, lots and lots of trans women porn/content, only fans receipts. Proof he was on gay dating apps or sites (very closeted bi). Proof that he had been taking steroids and drinking heavily. I was mentally preparing to leave at this point, and then I discovered I was pregnant. Great.

He basically weaved the web of a master manipulator during my pregnancy, convincing me that his actions resulted from substance abuse. Not because he was just a bad dude or anything. I had known about his sexuality but just the sheer volume of porn made me sick to my stomach. It wasn’t casual enjoyment, it was obsessive. He told me some story about being SA’d as a child and having an unhealthy relationship with sex because of it. It made me feel sympathy for him as someone who has also struggled, and I swept it under the rug, but was still guarded. He had blocked the two coworkers and no longer worked in the office due to the pandemic. I’m not drinking anymore because I am pregnant, and I work full time out of the home 2 miles away. I notice that when I’m sober I absolutely resent this man and never feel like I have a future with him, and I’m more easily manipulated when I’m drinking several nights a week.

Now more of a timeline from that point, which would start about July of 2020 and end now. Just assume that when confronted about his lies and cheating that I was manipulated heavily, lied to, convinced to give him *one more chance!*

1. I’m 5 months pregnant and I walk in and see he’s on the work instant messenger with the coworker he threw in my face and said he wanted to leave me for.

2. I start tracking his location and bank account and he’s spending more money at restaurants than one person would reasonably spend and he’s not telling me the truth where he is, unaware I’m tracking him.

3. He figures out I’m tracking him and shuts off his location, stays out all night and into the afternoon, at which point I file a missing persons report. He shows back up and told me he was drunk and passed out with a buddy.

4. I find out he’s been using drugs recreationally and has started selling them, which absolutely panics me because of our children. Immediate ultimatum. He stops, but he becomes INCREDIBLY mean and blames it on quitting.

6. I snap and we live apart for 4 months before I go and stay with him while awaiting an apartment I have lined up because I have literally no other choice. I’m completely sober and have realized that I do not have a chemical dependency on alcohol and have been using it to self medicate from these horrible relationships. I have two different therapies, have good friendships and am feeling hopeful about my future again. I’m very emotionally distant from him, but still obsessed with knowing the full truth and combing through his phone.

5. I realize that while he was apart from me he’s been seeing other women, staying at hotels, going on dates. Talking to the coworker but keeping her as a back burner while he love bombs some girl he met on tinder, while love bombing me. He’s talking to her about wanting full custody of our toddler and that he’s in love with her while telling me he wants to reconcile with me. Still obscene amounts of porn. Ha!

I realize this guy is sick on like a pathological level, and far worse than my ex who at least owned up for his faults and knows he’s an AH. This guy always has an excuse. Nothing is ever his fault. He cheats because he’s vulnerable. The porn was just downloaded in a bulk file, he doesn’t look at them, it’s just a habit. He’s mean because he’s tired from work. The coworker is obsessed with him and a "stalker." He is the victim in all of this, he has been hurt so much. My drinking damaged him. My alleged "affair" caused this. He was trying to monkey branch into a new relationship because he was devastated I had given up on us. Will I fight for us?

I have no fight left. He should have just left me alone. I am disgusted that he chased me and groomed me in a friendship with benefits knowing how vulnerable I was. I’m convinced now that he is a narcissist. I look back embarrassed over the last decade plus of my life with these men.

Although technically DDay was just the day after Christmas when I looked inside his Snapchat, I don’t mourn for the relationship anymore. I am looking for support on why I rug-sweep, poison myself with alcohol, and ignore my boundaries.

[This message edited by gr8greengummybear at 6:51 AM, Monday, January 9th]

I don’t know why you have made the choices you have in the past.

I think you need to focus on the fact that you are making better choices now.

You were not thinking clearly when in a gaslighting type of relationship. You doubt yourself, question your sanity and lose all sense of yourself.

Good news is you recognize it and will make better choices in the future. You started on a path at a young age that you fought your way out of.

Too bad the last relationship didn’t show it’s red flags 🚩 early enough. But you see them now and now you can focus on your bright future.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:48 PM, Monday, January 9th]

I'm so sorry - you've had a really rough time. The good news is, you do NOT have to live like this anymore. You don't have to settle for relationshits like these ever again.

But.

He should have just left me alone. I am disgusted that he chased me and groomed me in a friendship with benefits knowing how vulnerable I was. I’m convinced now that he is a narcissist. I look back embarrassed over the last decade plus of my life with these men.

Yes he should have left you alone. But you stayed too honey. I'm absolutely not saying that to condemn or shame you, but rather to tell you that it's vitally important for your future that you own your stuff. If you don't get to the bottom of why you made the choices you did, you will fall into the same pattern again.

To avoid falling into those same mud pits, IMHO you need to take time to be unattached and work on you. Get to therapy. Get comfortable with being alone. Date yourself. Make your relationship with YOU unshakeable. Reconnect with friends and family to develop a good support system. And above all, give yourself a lot of grace. None of this is easy and we often make the best choice we can in the moment with the info we have at the time. When you know better, you'll do better!

I'm so sorry you are here. Your story sounds very similar to mine. The gaslighting. Hes always the victim. Found sexts from coworker "I thought you were done with me. She just sent those out of nowhere ". Found tons of porn, including personal pics of both men and women. "I uploaded Dropbox and those just showed up"
Uh huh..

My wh and I have been separated just a little over a week and let me tell you, it's like a weight has been lifted. I can think clearly. Im starting to trust my judgment again. My kids and I have laughed so much already just in this past week. You get to decide how you live going forward. The past is the past. We all make decisions we wish we could take back. But, like I always tell my kids, if we learn something from it, it was all worth it. Partners are supposed to make life happier. Less stressful. If you ever need to talk feel free to inbox me. Take care of yourself.

Wow, you sound so similar to who I used to be. I used to call it "crisis du jour" because I was so used to the rollercoaster that my life was. It was like I was a magnet for drama.

My first XH was emotionally and physically abusive, and diagnosed with NPD. I had a hard time knowing what my reality was on a day-to-day basis because he controlled the narrative. One moment I was a whore, the next, I was a frigid bitch. Really? How could I be both? The first time he threw me into the wall, it was over. It wasn't the smoothest process getting myself and my two sons extricated from him, but we got through it.

My second XH, the cheater, gaslighted me our ENTIRE relationship, and the emotional abuse was a whole different level. He never came at me aggressively, but the level of emotional, physical, and financial infidelity was off the charts. I spent three days involuntarily in a mental care facility, until they were sure I was no longer a threat to myself or others. The first day in there, I only said two words, over and over again. The second word was "you" and the first one started with an "F." Yeah, XH #2 broke me pretty significantly. The thing was, while it wasn't violent at all, as with the first XH, the harm was significantly much deeper to me and my boys, and his harm took soooooo much longer to get over.

The good news is, I decided that I no longer had to live in crisis du jour mode. I got control of my life, did a lot of growing up, and eventually built strong standards and boundaries, once I knew who I really was inside.

My building of "me" started with the knowledge that I was survivor, and hard to kill. From there, I figured out that while I'm a pretty smart cookie intellectually, I had almost NO common sense. So I spent a while focusing on doing the "next right thing" until that became a habit.

Fortunately, for me, I had AA behind me. I know it sounds so weird to say, but I will be forever thankful that I am an alcoholic. Those 12 steps were far better than any therapy I had ever received, or have received since. And if I ever feel I'm going off track, I simply pop into a meeting, share, and my higher power lifts whatever is weighing me down right off of me, or the group provides me with a clear path forward after I process what was said at the meeting. No waiting, no insurance, just really really good help that keeps me straight when I start to veer off course. I take great comfort in the fact that there is never more than a few hours or a few miles till my next AA meeting, waiting there for me when I need it.

My point to all of the over-share above is that you do have the ability to change how you react to and act in the world. Does it take a lot of work? Yes. Is it hard work? Oh hell yeah. Is it worth it? Infinitely!

I had no idea my life would turn out as awesome as it has. The possibilities are endless. All it takes is a determination to get there and the grit to get the hard work done.

ggg, you can do it.