SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you go on when it feels like your how life is a lie? How do you stop the thoughts of the two of them together? How do you get over feeling like a fool? How do you come home everyday to an empty house and try to sleep in the bed you shared? How can I stop seeing the love quotes he sent to her? How do I turn off the thoughts of all the sexual things they expressed doing to each other. How do i get the pictures I saw of her naked, out of my mind? I cannot even carry on during the day. everything in that home reminds me of him. So many unfinished projects. My dogs are looking for him. When I found the texts he claimed he loved me and it was just exciting flirting. He said they had not been together at all with each other. it was all sexting. I believe that to be true because we were never a part. We did everything together. I kicked him out. Three days later I see them together in the restaurant we had breakfast at every Saturday morning. She knew he was in a relationship She was a coworker. She saw us together at his Xmas party as a couple. What woman could do this to another woman? She seemed to enjoy the challenge of taking him away form his relationship. Kudos to her. She won. He's out enjoying life and I sit home and cry and cry. I cannot sleep. I cannot function. I am hanging on by a thread. I have no family, no support. I only have a few friends and they just say "good ridden to him". I just need to know how to move on from this. I feel like I never will. My heart is shattered.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 5:53 PM, Tuesday, February 14th]

I wish I could offer you more than empathy, but I'm in the same boat. Two weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a coworker, a person who had befriended me in an effort to keep me in the dark. This is after I spent a month thinking he'd just been sharing pics with people on the internet.

I few things I have done so far that have been helpful:
-Talked to my doctor who upped my anti-depressant and prescribed beta-blockers for that panicked, fight or flight feeling. Downside is I'm feeling the sadness more, but I think that's bc I can finally start processing the feelings now that my body is moving out of survival mode.
-Anything in the house that is his and upsets me I've been putting in a box so I don't have to see it all the time.
-Find friends/family to talk to, people you can share with honestly about your situation.

I'm sure others will have better advice. I'm sorry for both of us that we're here.

You have support now (((HUGS))). First off...WELCOME to the BEST club you NEVER wanted to be in. You will be given lots of great advice from all different perspectives. Take what helps YOU...and leave the rest. We are all in different phases of healing...and even though most cheaters follow the same path...recovering from infidelity takes many different paths.

It may give you some comfort to know that statistically speaking...relationships that start out as affairs very seldom last. An affair is nothing more than two SELFISH people who USE each other to get their desires met. Once reality hits...the affair bubble POPS...and they start to see each other for who they REALLY are. The adultery co-conspirator doesn't care about HIM...or she wouldn't have gotten into an affair with him. That old saying will come back to bite them in the behind...if they will cheat WITH you they will cheat ON you.

You did an awesome job by setting your boundaries and kicking him out!! This will HELP you in your healing...even though it may not feel like it now. Doing the "pick me dance" NEVER works. NEVER. I know that first hand. When I caught my 1st husband cheating...I did that STUPID "pick me dance" like a pro...and WON...he came back. Only...he left me when I caught him with the 2nd adultery co-conspirator...almost 2 years later. You are WAY ahead in your healing by just doing what you KNOW is right!!

As I mentioned about A's not lasting in the above paragraph...my 1st H's "lurve affair" lasted about 2 weeks!!! I would love to say I was very strong...but I wasn't. Even though we never lived together again...he would talk his way back into my life...until he found a new "shiny". I would be ignored again...until he was back. It wasn't until I seriously started dating the man who became my 2nd H that my 1st H decided I was THE ONE!! By then it was too little too late.

You move on by moving forward. Sometimes it may be just taking it one minute at a time...and that is perfectly fine. Limbo is HELL...and Thank God you aren't in that situation. You have been through a traumatic event Dear Lady...and you need time to grieve. Take it at YOUR pace. It doesn't seem like it now...but every day you are getting stronger. Just take care of YOU for now. Eat what you can...or drink some protein drinks. Your body needs to be nourished so that you can function. You are doing really well by reaching out like this!! You WILL survive infidelity...and one day you will see that you are THRIVING...despite it!!

ETA: BallofAnxiety...I saw your post after I sent mine. WELCOME to you too!!

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 2:38 PM, Friday, February 10th]

Thank you BallofAniexty I am sorry for what has happened to you as well. Mine was cheating with a co-worker as well. Within two days of her being hired, she was sexting with him. At first he didn't really respond. After a week or so, the conversations ramped up. On nights we were cuddled up beside each other, he was sending her the most romantic love quotes from Pinterest. He called her love and sweetie. I don't sleep as I just see them together. I see the words they shared. I have put his stuff in the garage and I don't go in there. But its the bed, the tv, the couch were we cuddled. it is the picture he hung, the things he bought. it is the deck we built this past summer. Everything is a reminder.

So sorry you've had to find us. There are some posts that are pinned at the top of the forum that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has lots of great information.

It took time for me to reprocess. About a year. It took 2+ years for the nightmares to go away. I had to process through the trauma, and my second IC (individual counselor) really helped. She was a betrayal trauma specialist.

Sometimes grounding activities can help with thought spirals. I found that meditation and mindfulness really helped me.

Thank you Want2behappyagain Wonderful advice and already feel a little better. I don't feel so alone now. I think the loneliness was what was making it so much worse. I completely agree that once a cheater always a cheater. Cheaters are repeaters. I know statistically that people in affairs don't last. I have just recently found out this woman has ruined another marriage as well. The only satisfaction I have gotten is that she lost her job as a result of the affair. She was in a position that made impartiality with employees paramount. Sexting within two days of being hired with an employee whom she knew was in a committed relationship, thank god, was grounds for dismissal. Yes...I made her boss aware. My job is similar and I knew she crossed the lines of professionalism. I actually though her losing her job would make the affair stop. Maybe I was hoping he would come back to me. My head says NEVER let him back. My heart says I cannot live without him. My own mind and heart are in a constant battle.

I sooo so feel every word you wrote. You are not alone. I'm sitting in my marital home by myself right now, just like you, in the spaces I used to be so happily married and connected in and now I'm just rattling around in alone while contemplating how my marriage was a lie. We never asked to be here, did we? Yet here we are.

I cannot BELIEVE your H took that OW to your regular restaurant! What are these men thinking?? And how little self respect does that OW have to be mimicking your marriage routines by showing up in your restaurant with him! The next marriage routine she'll be mimicking is that moment when she realizes he's cheating on her, too. And she'll definitely be so dim witted that she'll be 'shocked', probably as shocked as she was when she got the heave-ho from her employer!

I'm still really new to this but a few things helped me exist in my own much emptier home after my WH moved out.

One, I fostered a dog. Our elderly beloved dog died shortly after Wh moved out, it was awful. I have a young son, but the house that had so much love and noise in it became so quiet and empty. Son and I fostered a dog from a local shelter and having that new energy in the house brought a very small, thin but necessary layer of peace to my soul. When that dog was adopted, we fostered a second dog and then the third dog we fostered for fell in love with my son and we adopted him! Having new life in the house - and different life than we had before - has turned out to be so helpful when I'm hurting.

Two, I rearranged and repainted our bedroom. We had a much loved wedding quilt on our bed that just killed me whenever I saw it (he video sexed with a woman while laying in our bed, and she sent me a screen grab of their video that featured WH laying back on our 15+ year old quilt before he did god knows what on it) so I bought all pure white bedding and flipped the bed to a different side of the room, moved his dresser and all of his stuff into a closet and painted the walls a beautiful soft marigold color that I love, it looks like there's always a sunrise reflecting onto the walls. WH would have hated it, he liked cool colors.

That kicked off an entire round of rearranging furniture everywhere else, too.

Then three, on the advice of the beautiful members here I started taking a jiu-jitsu class and also a pottery class. I'm terrible at both and so the learning curve has been helpful to me because I have to focus all my attention on it and manage to forget the circular thoughts for 30 minutes or so at a time. If I'm doing anything mindless I'm constantly thinking about all the terrible things. So doing something that requires all my attention has been a life saver.

I don't know if any of those changes would fit into your life, but I think just the act of making changes and starting new 'relationships' (with a dog, cat, subject, group of people) starts to reset the expectations we have of seeing our familiar husband and familiar life when we walk in the front door. And anything that makes your mind work, any new routine you have to concentrate on. It doesn't have to be big, but any new little routine you can create for you and only you.

Sending you big hugs!!

[This message edited by Sigyn at 12:16 AM, Saturday, February 11th]

I'm so sorry Devastated. Sending you love from afar. I think the comparison is eating you alive, this feeling that he's off being happy and living it up with AP while you're just utterly shattered. And I know that hurts terribly. But please try to remember that a lot of that can be false. The dissolution of a marriage is incredibly painful. You're feeling it and through all the pain, you're actually on the path of healing. He, on the other hand, is like a man to took a pain killing injection and is still walking around on his broken leg. He's doing more damage but not feeling the pain. Rest assured, he will feel the pain. And by the time he does, you will be well down the path of healing and recovery. Please try not to compare where you are and where he is, as they're just not the same. He's taking the pain killer of another woman, and he doesn't feel the pain as badly or maybe even at all if we're honest. But he's injecting poison into his veins. She won't last, they never do. And he's stacking up pain upon pain upon regret for the day of reckoning that will eventually come to him. You just can't see it yet. Time will show, and you'll be the one standing on the other side, and healthy and hopefully happy with a new, better life. Please try to hang in there strong lady.

I am so sorry. I feel your pain, I really do. I will just say this... You are strong.... Keep as busy as you can be... turn on happy music.. turn on christian music... Do things you have never done before because now you shouldn't be afraid of doing them. I remember after I found out about my husband... I became so unafraid of the things I used to be afraid of.. it was like I felt the worse just happened to me so any fear I had before of certain things I could now try. I am not saying to go rock climbing Mt. Everest or anything... Just trying to help you keep your mind busy... I know it is easy to say you will be better... but one day you will be but in the meantime.. reach out to someone you trust.. dig into prayer.. and I will be praying for you also. God Bless.

How do you go on when it feels like your how life is a lie?

You need to realize that YOUR life was not a lie, only his. I made a photo album on my phone of just me, my kids, my friends and my dog and it showed me what a full and authentic life I have lived while he had a secret life. It helped to ground me. The feeling that nothing is what you thought it was is so hard, but you will start to piece together what you know is real and true and focus on those things.

How do I turn off the thoughts...

If you have an active brain like mine, it is very hard. I recommend doing some reading when you are ready on the brain's trauma response. In short, the brain loves a repetitive pattern and if you feed it upsetting memories it will return to them over and over. Grab a visualization in your mind that helps you - mine was a sandy beach at sunrise - and insert that into the awful thoughts. Force your brain to see something else.

Another strange thing I did from the start of A discovery was to snap a selfie anytime I felt overwhelmed or couldn't stop crying. I think I was trying to capture it so I could understand the overload of emotions I was feeling, and to figure out who I was. I forced myself to smile in some of those, even through my tears, because I read that the act of physically smiling released happy endorphins in the brain and I was so tired of feeling sad. I did not realize the depth of sorrow I was capable of reaching until infidelity took me there. I had no idea I could cry so much, and I encourage you to remember to hydrate because those tears will drain you in many ways.

I know you don't want to hear this so early in your process, but it is good riddance for him if he could do this to you so easily. You will grow and stand strong in knowing what you are worth and what you deserve and it is not what he had to offer.

If you can give yourself the kindness to feel all the hurt and emotions you deserve to feel right now, without piling on any self judgement or negative self talk, that would be the best gift for yourself. Let the emotions out, but don't let them own your day. Find joy in the littlest of things, even a cup of warm tea or a walk outside with the dogs.

I recommend the book Living and Loving after Betrayal by Dr. Stosny to help you navigate all the pain and trauma you are going through. I found a lot of touchstones and strategies for moving forward that were very helpful. I still go back and review them years downstream when I find myself feeling sad or confused. Take care and best to you moving forward. You are in the right place for great support.

D16

You have received so much good advice. And I echo the welcome along with sorry you had to find us.
I remember being in the place you are. I was such a mess I lost my job (do not recommend— try to make it through the work day!).
Along with the things the others have recommended (and I 100% agree with), I used a spreadsheet to track my progress through the day. By checking off a box that I survived another 15 minutes, 30 minutes, hour, day… it helped me see that I WAS making it. Painfully, and days seemed to take forever, but I made it. And you will too.

They call this a roller coaster ride because you will have ups and downs, but it will get better the littlest amount every day. Before you know it, all those flakes add up to a big pile of happy. Take a moment and appreciate the sunset or sunrise. Listen to a child laughing. Watch movies that make you laugh (I watched a lot of Pixar movies since no chance of infidelity in them). Exercise. Get your anger and hurt out : cry cry cry. Pound on your pillow. Take a long drive to nowhere and then scream at the top of your lungs. Avoid alcohol (ask me how I know).

Kudos to her. She won.

Yeah she won. She won a lying, cheating jerk. You my dear are the prize. YOU ARE THE PRIZE. She won a bag of flaming poo. The AP my XWH had an LTA with was on her 8th or 9th affair on marriage #3. She was and is a train wreck, and if that is what he wants, then he’s not good enough for me. And that is true for you, too- the AP is garbage. You are the prize.

In a year or two you will appreciate that your were not subjected to false R. But that is little consolation today, I know.
I found IC to really help me, and when the racing mind was too much (and that is 100% a trauma response), I went on anti-anxiety meds for about a year to help me out. See your doctor if you need help with the anxiety or sleep. Be your own best friend and do for yourself all the things you would implore a friend or family member to do.

Keep posting. We are here and we understand.

What woman could do this to another woman?

I asked this question so many times. My Dday#1 was an A my WH had in 2012 and Dday #2 was on 12/26/22 - it was an EA he was involved in with a family acquaintance; this woman was emotionally and mentally abused by her own exH who we all knew was a serial cheater. They divorced about 2 yrs ago. And when I found out it was her that he was emailing/texting I was floored. How could she do this to another woman KNOWING what her own H had done to her?? It’s unfathomable to me. What goes on in people’s minds that they think this is ok?? I don’t BLAME her though - it was my H who knew better. But by her own admission, she said she didn’t stop it because she liked it, she was eating up all the compliments, craving the attention and participated in it just as much as he did - even though she knew that if I found out what it would feel like for me. When I confronted her - I almost didn’t tbh - but when I did she wrote me back and was very apologetic, humiliated bc I told both of our families and embarrassed. Apparently she too was so selfish that she forgot to be a decent human being.

So sorry you’re going through all this pain. I feel all of it- so many of us can relate to your pain. It took a very, very long after my WH’s A in 2012 before I felt grounded again. We literally had to move out of state 1 year into R because I had so many triggers. I had found pictures on his phone and I almost wished that I had never found those. It messed with my head so much - so that I can relate to. It’s been almost 11 years since that A and I can honestly say that it took about 5 years. Yes 5 years into reconciliation for me to not have panic and anxiety whenever I heard her name. I will say though that IC helped IMMENSELY in learning coping strategies. GO to IC and that will help you move on from this.

Also - she didn’t "win" - unless you call a cheater a prize. He hasn’t changed, he’s done nothing to change, so what makes you think he won’t do the same to her?? I definitely don’t call that "winning".

Please check out Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma has to say on attachment in YouTube. It may help you on your way to forget this loser

[This message edited by goalong at 11:44 PM, Saturday, February 11th]

I cannot BELIEVE your H took that OW to your regular restaurant! What are these men thinking??

Well, on the contrary, a lot of cheaters lack originality. So they're mostly just gonna follow the same patterns that won over the partners they're betraying.

Sorry, you've had to join us, Devastated. It's gonna hurt like hell, but the only way out is through. Like the others have said, don't bother playing the comparison game. He's stuck his head up someone else's a$$ to avoid the hardship you're dealing with right now. They can portray whatever happy fantasy life they want on the surface, but it doesn't change the ugliness of their true character inside. What did she win exactly? A guy who could easily turn on his partner when another a$$ is swaying in his face? If he wasn't the first she 'lured away,' then he certainly won't be the last.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 12:07 AM, Sunday, February 12th]

I remember early on. The sadness, the despair seemed like a physical thing. I swear, I could reach out and feel it. It was thick and heavy, just in front of me, all encompassing. I couldn't see any way past it. And then, after a hellish slog, it was just that little bit better. And that continued until things got okay.

I'm 5 years out, and I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass. Things are not star spangled awesome in my world, but I would never return to my EXWW.
There is an authenticity to who I am now that I would not trade for anything. Things are good.

You will get through this.

Devastated16 your heart will get stronger!

I will give you the best advice someone gave me. They went through a whole life with an individual having children, buying homes, having grandchildren, going on vacations etc. Basically living a life. At 56 he had an A which was a deal breaker for her. She left him. She kept saying she thought her life was a lie and everything was a lie. Truth is her life wasnt a lie. She lived her life to the fullest and she had amazing children and family that they created together. Yes he went astray but what she had she was blessed. After her 'mourning' period she picked herself back up and now she is single and happy. She is actually doing very well in life. She opened a new chapter in her 'book' and she is extremely happy. Yes she doesnt have a partner to grow old with and that fairy tale ending in life but shes come to terms with it. She decided that her age she doesnt want to be dependent on anyone emotionally anymore. People talk but people always talk. Clearly they have nothing better to do. She did not care what everyone thought. At first she was embarassed and hid away from people gatherings and events. Then she realised she did not do anything wrong and she basically changed her mindset. She held her head up high and made it through all the functions.

The advice she gave me was..just cry. Cry and cry and cry because you lost apart of your life youre never going to get back. stay in bed and cry. Cry under the duvet, scream and cry in the empty house. Cry until you cannot cry anymore. Until no more tears come falling out. Thats when you tell your brain you have had enough and youre done crying and you get out of bed and you pick yourself up bit by bit. You change your mindset. 'I am strong and I deserve better. I deserve happiness. I can do this. I will go out there and show everyone (not that you have to) that I am just fine. I will get through this and I will love myself.'

Keep tellong yourself you did nothing wrong.

You will be strong and you will get through this!

I have seen this in other forums and it is so true. Wherever he goes, wherever she goes, there are they are. Their rotten personalities don’t change just because they change addresses.

What woman could do this to another woman?

Exactly. My WH's AP actually befriended me! While she was sleeping with my husband she was texting me pictures of her pets. We would go out for dinner, just girls, and I never saw a single thing in her which would cause me to be suspicious. We last went out a few months ago!

I cannot thank you all enough, sincerely. I am not sure how I would get through this without all of you. Your replies have been touching and enlightening. I am still crying a lot and have shut down in may ways. I am trying to pick myself up little by little. My head agrees with everything said but my heart is still shattered. Valentine's day and I am alone. I saw the card I bought weeks ago in my drawer.....the tears flowed. I still haven't slept more than an hour at night. My eyes are so swollen. However, I read and reread these replies to give me strength and it does. I am so sorry all of us are on here. I am so sorry that these things happen. I am just sorry that so much pain exists. I am trying to take advice to stop the thoughts but I am not having much luck. Closing my eyes to sleep is when it hits the hardest. BearlyBreathing, you are right...she won a piece of sh** and a cheater. No doubt if a person can cheat, they will repeat. I guess that makes me feel foolish too, that I never saw the signs. I know I should not compare myself to her, but she is younger and has a very cute figure. I can't stop unseeing the pictures they shared but worse than the pictures was the Pinterest love quotes/pins he sent her throughout the day. All the things he was saying through those pins and quotes were so romantic. It isn't just the "lust" that hurts. He romanced her. It read like a fairly tell and she was his queen. I need to get out of my own head. On the odd occasion I fall asleep, I am woken by those words, the pics, the romantic scene of the two of them in a loving embrace. Argh......I am going to try and take everyone's thoughtful advice as I am circling the drain and want to avoid being sucked into it.

Devastated I'm here to tell you those intrusive thoughts will eventually fade. Unfortunately, it's something you are going to have to accept and go through until your emotions calm down... which more than likely will take lots of time get through this. My biggest question was how much time will it take to begin to heal? I am almost three years out from my late WH death and I am having better days. And those mind movies don't even have a hold on me anymore.

I found out my late WH cheated on me throughout our whole marriage. We "celebrated" 🙄 our 32nd wedding anniversary several days before his death, three years ago this coming March. Talk about being traumatized!! I realized my marriage was a big farce and then he dies.

The last several years before his death he started showing me who he really was by flirting with and chasing other women right in front of me! And he also had at least two longterm affairs. Caused me meltdowns and eventually PTSD.

It was one of the worst experiences of my life to realize the man who I thought I knew was an imposter. I was so blindsided and shocked with this realization. He was a fraud. And I have finally come to terms with that but I didn't want to believe it back then.

It has taken time, therapy and working on myself to get myself into a better mindset. Sure I feel very sad but I am growing and the mind movies barely even bother me anymore. I can even ponder my past and before I even know it I am back to thinking about my day.

Sad and disappointed because of the pain my late WH caused me? I am. And of course I often have moments of is this really how my life was meant to be? Maybe so... because I chose to ignore those early warning signs while dating? I think so. It's hindsight and reflection that has brought me to this conclusion.

I recently met a man that I was attracted to. I was attracted to him a couple of months ago when I first met him but thought he already had a partner so I left it alone. But then a couple of weeks ago he approached me and started what I thought was a nice conversation with me. And within 10 minutes of what I would call a decent conversation, turned into him asking me if I liked bubble bathes and if I would be interested in a friend's with benefits relationship with him. For a moment I was hopeful because I felt we made a connection and that he had mutual feelings for me. But this guy ended up being player, cheater and a liar.

I found out from a friend that this guy does have a girlfriend (not in the traditional sense though) and she is married. And yet he told me that he was single and wasn't seeing anyone. I found out they had actually broken up three years ago after a longterm relationship. She left him and married her highschool sweetheart. But the two are still hooking up.

I've been thinking, was this some sort of test to see if I would fall for the same kind of personality my late WH was? I shut the new guy down quickly and I told him if that is what he was looking for, a friend with benefits, he can get it from someone else.

Turns out that there is more to this story about this guy. Another male who is a friend to the both of us told me that he got a job for this guy at his son's work and this guy was chasing the women there too! Lol Take note, I can laugh again even after everything I've already gone through.

When I reflect on my past, I can see that I was so scared back then to do anything about my suspiousions about my late WH for several reasons; kids, finances, my love and devotion for him, etc. And I also didn't want to believe that my husband would do this to me. So I stuck my head in the sand and stayed in denial for years until the truth of who he was started coming out.

Let me finish my story about the new guy. And what a mess he really is. You would never know how messed up he is from his appearance alone, it was those little red flags, my gut feeling and listening to what he told me that caused me to back away from him.

My friend was so fed up with this other guy that when the other guy tried to approach me a second time, my friend blocked this guy from coming up and talking to me. This happened a couple different times. My friend also got mad at him and told him that his behavior needed to stop! I honestly felt like I was dealing with children.

What an embarrassment. Here my friend tries to help this guy out, even got him a job at his sons work and this guy ends up being a player, chasing the women at the new job. I kind of feel like this is also how my late WH was at his job too. Always finding out who the newly employed women were, chasing them, getting chummy with them.

I've been through A LOT, have PTSD, a broken heart, my WH ended up dieing. I thought or really wanted to believe that he was working on himself but he wasn't. Lots more went down but I think that you get the picture.

I can smile today. I can look back on all those ugly memories my late WH created. I can now stand up for myself and tell others to fuck off if I need to. I am learning about myself and beginning to dream again and get back into life again but without the pain and drama.

Healing has been a long process. I still cry. I am still sad for the outcome of what I thought my life was supposed to be. But I am also beginning to realize that sometimes we don't get to control the outcome of our lives. Sometimes we find we need to learn to live life on life's terms. And once we do that life begins to take new forms.

Your life isn't over with. What you are going through is only one chapter of your life. Give yourself time to heal. Go with the punches and go with the flow. It will take time but the sun will shine again. I promise you that it will. Look around on this site and read others stories as well and you will first of all begin to realize that you aren't alone and that there are others who also have gone through these experiences and have been able to carve out a new life full of peace and minus the chaos and pain. And there is hope that you will get through this too.

Also, give yourself the grace to grieve and feel all of those ugly emotions. Everything you are going through shall pass. It is temporary.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 4:27 PM, Thursday, February 16th]