SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah. The loneliness is killer. Unfortunately, there is no way out but THROUGH. You (and I am still working on this!!) have to learn to be comfortable with and by yourself. You will need to remember who you were and learn who you now are. Years of codependency can be almost crippling when it is lost. (This was/is me, 100%!)

So before you need to really be concerned about anyone else liking you, YOU need to like you again first. Become comfortable in your own skin. Find, plan, and do things that make you happy.

I promise people will like BallofAnxiety for who she really is, but you’ve got to find her again.

Try to eat something. I know how hard that is right now, too, and you’ll very likely lose a few pounds if the weight that worries you so much….unintentionally.

This time is for you. For YOUR HEALING. If you are unhappy with your appearance, you can always join a gym, Zumba class, or an aerobics class or something…

Keep reading. I found that even brief mental distractions (while still on topic) were very beneficial for me at this point in my recovery.

P.S. I am not doing anything tonight either. I am tired and going to bed early tonight.

At least when you are alone, you can trust the company you keep!!

We are here for you.

Dear BOA,

Your post and replies resonated with my recent life altering experience. The rug was pulled from under my feet and I realized my marriage was not what I thought it was. Like you, I loved being married. It’s been two months for me and lots of introspection.I realize my self worth was associated with my marriage, so it seemed like I was a colossal failure when it failed. Lessons learnt : Invest in yourself, your healing, build your confidence, build your social circle. I will never settle for anything less and this will hold true for all spheres of my life going forward.

Your husband not even working towards R seems like another layer of betrayal. It should tell you that he was never as invested in the marriage as much as you were. You deserve better, definitely not a immature , lust driven individual.. He and his AP deserve each other. The lust induced high will subside at some point and come crashing down. Meanwhile you would have evolved into a stronger confident woman. Do you not see whose loss it is?

I applaud you for doing all the right things. The separation agreement was a smart move. Tells me BOA is a well sorted woman that knows what she wants and can survive on her own. Give yourself some credit for that.

I promise you things will get better. Meanwhile grieve so you can heal. Take it one day at a time. That’s what keeps me sane.

Eat well, take up jogging or any other form of exercise. Therapy will help you too . Go get that sexy haircut, revamp your wardrobe.

This is not what either of us envisioned our life would be in our 40’s. But that’s life and we will be ok. More than ok !

I feel like such a broken record, but again, thank you all for your responses. I can't thank you enough.

Today was a tough one, it was WH's bday. I had purchased tickets to a sporting event for today (more for me than for him, but it was a unique thing). Instead of getting to celebrate his bday together, I took my dad to the event. It was good to spend time with him but it made me really sad. It was apparently written all over my face; at one point I was wandering around trying to decide what I wanted and a random woman coming from the other direction, a complete stranger, looked at me as sad, "Are you OK?" I'm apparently so sad people who have never met me and aren't even talking to me notice.

Also, WH came by the house today (on my approval) to get some more stuff. I was not there but had a family member there to supervise. Again and still, he doesn't give a shit about me or the 17 years we spent together. He got a bunch of his stuff and peaced out How is this even possible, 3 weeks ago we were talking all day every day, saying we loved each other, and now he has completely moved on.

Isn't that one of the worst feelings? I had a few people (strangers) stop and ask if I was ok.

Glad you got to spend time with your dad. I never knew mine.

As you get farther in your healing, you'll start to realize how superficial your XWH can be. He isn't going to change and be Mr. Wonderful and he's taking all his brokenness into each relationship.

Isn't that one of the worst feelings? I had a few people (strangers) stop and ask if I was ok.

I'm sorry you had that experience but it definitely makes me feel better that I'm not alone in this. It was pretty embarrassing although the woman was very nice.

@Woundid

Thank you for your words. You always seem to nail exactly what I'm feeling. I hadn't eaten and there you go advising to eat.

I also find it hard to find things to do for fun, although I've been spending a lot more time with friends and family.

@Abalone

I relate so much to what you said. I've realized one reason I loved being married was wearing the rings, that everyone who sees me would know that I was worthwhile bc someone picked me. I feel like people will look at me now and wonder what is wrong with me that I'm old and alone. Or worse, they'll take one look at me and know why no one wants me.

[This message edited by BallofAnxiety at 1:57 PM, Tuesday, February 21st]

BallofAnxiety,

Okay, so you gotta get that negativity about yourself out of your head. No one is going to look at you and think any of that. You are the ONLY ONE who will think those things about you. (However, it is fair to note that anyone who has never been cheated on or abandoned may be a little judgemental. I believe this was even me at one time….those who have not experienced it do not know how deep the loss is…They also have no idea that you/we will go through allegations of the stages of grief, and that there is a long healing process involved. The Betrayeds can be your best friends and biggest supporters, in addition to your other friends and family.)

You need to begin some positive self talk. Which is not only suggested, but strategies are described in the second book that I recommended for you.

Please read them in order. You won’t be ready for the Divorce Recovery workbook until you have read the other two. I am in the process of REREADING the abandonment one myself…it is full of strategies thst I don’t think I fully absorbed the first time through. Some of the suggestions seem a little weird, but they really do help—especially the one concerning the inner child. That one kept me sane early on…but probably would have made me LOOK crazy, if anyone had seen or hesr me doing that! ) I probably read 20 infidelity books. I found those 3 to be the the most helpful for me. Have you finished Cheating in a Nutshell? That one is the most important for your healing right now. (I read that one again recently, too.) You need to realize WHY your body is reacting the way it is and how your mind would still feel YEARS in the future if you did try to reconcile. I am telling you, him walking away was a gift—a blessing in disguise.

Oh and on the birthday thing. I can relate. His was about a month and a half after D-day…I TRIED to buy my STBXCH a card…even a funny one. Didn’t work. I found one with a skeleton on the front…inside, it said, "Don’t worry. You look good for your age!"—which was what the ONS stranger had said to him. I started crying snd left the store. When I told him that I tried to buy him a card and couldn’t, he was hurt. (Remember he suddenly became superhusband and wanted to reconcile….too little too late!) I explained my experience in the store and he better understood, but again, it WASN’T about ME. IIT WAS ABOUT HIM. Cheaters are selfish. He cared about how me not buying him a card made HIM feel—NOT how badly it made ME feel.

Cheaters are selfish and they do not "get it". They do not realize the depths of the pain they have caused, and they do not care. Since they are the perpetrators, they see things very differently. Some folks wholeheartedly believe that a healthy reconciliation is possible. I am solidly in the opposite camp. One person is capable of haphazardly crushing another’s soul, while the other will never be able to trust him/her again. How is that healthy? It isn’t. You don’t want that—even though you think you do.

My ex kept asking what he could do to get me back. My answer? Go back in time and unfuck her. That is the only correct answer. Nuff said.

I should also point out that I still have love FOR him. I am NOT in love WITH him. We are having a mostly peaceful divorce proceeding and I HAVE actually forgiven him. I also have moved out and can hardly stand to be around him, but I don’t hate him anymore. So…there does come a point when it begins to hurt less, but oh girl, it is maddeningly slow, and believe me, I have been searching for a fast forward button, but there just isn’t one.

Stay strong, woman. One day at a a time.

*all—not allegations. Wow. Autocorrect is on fire tonight. Smh

One thing I did was to find some I Am affirmations on YouTube. Do this for 30 days straight, and you will find.... I did it for 30 days straight, and I was feeling much better.

One of the mindfulness activities that helped me a lot was to write out all of the negative thoughts I'd had that day. The next paragraph was how I would respond if a friend told me that, then finish with what I thought was a more balanced approach.

Living in an abusive relationship can cause you to have a lot of negative self-talk.

I agree with leafields, on this.

I almost forgot…I did some angry journaling early on. When I awoke in the middle of the night, and couldn’t go back to sleep…I found that if I purged some of the venom, and got the thoughts OUT of me, I was better able to actually go back to sleep—even if it was 3 hours later because I had that much to write! Maybe it also helped exhaust me. Not sure, but it definitely helped.

If you haven’t hit the anger part yet, you will. There is a certain rage that will overtake the sadness at some point soon…. Interestingly enough, though, I found that stage very helpful. I was better at making decisions which benefited ME and not my STBCXH. I had much more energy for doing things that needed done. (I was still neglecting housework at that time, because I thought, "What’s the point? Does any of this even matter?" I never neglected my own hygiene, however and I was lucky in that my STBCXH was coming to the house while I was at work and HE did the cleaning, which was nice. He was in survival mode—trying to give me the space that I requested and win me back…. I didn’t mind the invisible maid service at least!

How are you doing BallofAnxiety?

Thank you all for the suggestions. I'm about 1/2 way through Cheating in a Nutshell and it is VERY helpful.

I got a text from WH's father yesterday which basically said, "Sorry it didn't work out, wish you the best." I've known this man for 17 years and that's what I get? It mad me furious, this is not a "didn't work out" kind of situation, this is a situation where his son was actively lying, abusing, and borderline raping me for over a year, telling 1000's of lies in that time for the express purpose of keeping me in the dark. Of course, he's a big part of the reason we're here. He's on his 4th wife and has cheated on every one of them.

I heard a definition of infidelity on a podcast that really resonated with me, it was something like: deceiving a partner with the intent to exploit and manipulate while purposefully withholding information the cheating person knows or has reason to believe the partner is entitled to have.

This makes sense to me, it wasn't just that he was fucking someone else, it was that he lied to me for over a year and the reason he lied is because he wanted to exploit and manipulate my good feelings about him so he could continue to eat cake. The depravity of it is absolutely stunning.

I still wake up every morning and there is a moment where I forget what is happening and then I remember and I feel like I was punched in the stomach.

I know exactly how you feel. It takes a while for that to stop happening, but it will, eventually.

Have you gotten yourself tested for STDs yet? I didn’t notice if anyone mentioned that before, but that is another important step you must take for your own peace of mind before moving forward. I can think of nothing worse than dealing with this on top of the emotional state we find ourselves in with infidelity. It basically adds insult to injury…and that is even before finding out if there is something to be concerned about!

Keep yourself busy, but find a balance where you can also think and process these feelings. Try to make the "think time" when you CHOOSE it to be—NOT just when the mind movies take over and remove you from reality of the present moment. This is helpful, when you can actually get a grip enough to make it work. Good luck in hour attempts. It WILL get easier. I rarely think about my ex at al anymore. (Unless I have to see him for some reason.)

In your instance where your WS is pretty much checked out (not trying to hurt you by saying that BTW, he is a douche for sure) is that you really need to work hard on doing the 180, in fact doing the hard 180. And I also know it is hard, really hard to do, but it will help you.

And remember doing it is NOT to try to get the WS back or get him to somehow do what you want, it is for YOU. It is to get that detachment you need that will start to help you see a bit more clearly. The more you can get away from his drama, the more you will start to understand how long you have been living in a very dysfunctional world, you just got used to it. I say this because I understand. You are a smart capable woman, but it is happened to all of us in one way or another, that is why we are here.

Implement that hard 180. Keep working on it, put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it each time you feel you want to talk to him or respond to something. Put his name in your phone on silent, that way you won't be dashing to look at your phone all the time. Start doing some really good spring cleaning and get rid of a bunch of stuff that you always wanted to get rid of.... join a yoga or exercise class to burn off anger and sadness, this all will help. It won't cure it all right away, but it will be steps you need to give yourself a way back to some kind of sanity.

When I finally got done but still had to interact with my xwh to get the divorce completed, I changed his name in my phone to Idiot Cheating Fucking Arsehole, his ringer was the imperial march from star wars, and his picture was a dog turd. I found that v helpful because it reminded me every time I had to interact with him who I was talking to.

@Woundid
Yes, I did get tested for STDs, all negative luckily. That was a humiliating part of the process...going to Planned Parenthood in my 40's. This and the being alone is feeding this surreal feeling that I'm back in my mid 20's, except older, uglier, and more broken. It's like some big reset except I don't get the time back.

@Lea
Any recs for affirmations?

@Reality
I think I've been doing the hard 180, since he left 3.5 weeks ago we've only communicated through email and then only about separation/house stuff. The only time I broke that at all was after he initially stalled on signing the separation agreement and I emailed explaining how unfair it was that he was the one stalling when he'd had over a year to contemplate this and I was just figuring it out. That email persuaded him to sign the agreement.

One thing I struggle with is why he gets to avoid seeing the devastation he has caused, shouldn't he have to face it? I feel like I could craft an email that would outline the worst of it. It seems like this way he's getting off the hook, he gets to imagine that I'm fine, that his actions didn't really cause any damage.

The other thing I struggle with is how he can be so checked out. We spoke every day for 17 years, were rarely apart. We spent every evening hanging out together. How can he move on so thoroughly so quickly? I got a notice in the mail yesterday he changed his address. It's not even been a month.

I remember someone saying his lack of care feels like a second betrayal and that feels true. He had an affair for over a year (or maybe many, I don't know) and then he spent a month lying to me about the nature of it in false R, after which he just wanted to leave. He found me so worthless he didn't even want to try and salvage a 15 year marriage. Once he saw there were other options he was gone without a second thought.

I remember someone saying his lack of care feels like a second betrayal and that feels true.

It is kind of true. He didn't really show you what he was. He has probably always been like this. Once you start seeing his behavior for what it was, things will make more sense. Unfortunately, this takes time and processing through what happened. He's always had his best interests at heart and you were a tool to be used and manipulated. It's devastating and adds another layer of trauma to process.

I found Bob Barker on YouTube. He has one that is a Morning I Am Affirmations that runs 10:01 from 5 years ago. I cried several times doing this one, so I knew that it was helping me. Healing tears would flow as I'd repeat the phrases. Try out several and find one that resonates with you. It really helped me change my negative self talk.

Your WH quite possibly has narcissistic tendencies for lying to you , getting you to socialize with his AP and exiting the marriage without any care in the world. Wouldn’t recommend going down the rabbit hole of trying to diagnose his personality disorders, but there has to be something off with this person, isn’t it ? He is incapable of compassion, empathy and remorse. Add to it his hesitancy about the separation agreement tells me he only watches out for himself after everything and most likely hasn’t even looked back at the destruction he caused. I suspect he has been a unsafe partner all along, mine was the entire marriage. I just never saw it because I was in love with him and the idea of being married.

I know it seems unfair that he does not get any consequences for his actions and doesn’t get to see how badly this has impacted you. But I highly doubt making him aware would evoke any emotion that a normal human being would have. He is incapable of the remorse that you are hoping to see, so don’t make that a goal in your healing. Instead focus your energies on what you can control : grieving, healing and moving on.

I agree w you, it shocked all of us.

He has known all along what is going on, YOU have not, so the 3 weeks for you seems way too soon, to him it is not, that is the hardest part for a BS to understand. The part where we were not considered in all of this and you find out after the fact.

So that is why I and many others thru the years go back to the hard 180, even when you don't want to do it, EVEN when you don't understand why you are doing it.... it is just something a BS needs to do so that they can somehow find a way out of the madness.

You won't understand this right now, I remember how I felt at 3 weeks out, its painful and its hard and you are in shock, that is why you keep asking the same question "how can he do this?" I don't think our brains after a shock like this can comprehend right away, I mean we know it, we are sitting there just wondering what the hell is going on, but we can't or don't have any control over this....so the only control you have is taking back your own control, not worrying about his or what he is doing or what he wants.

Hard 180.

BOA I wish what you were describing was somewhat rare but sadly it isn’t. You don’t have to read too many threads around here until you see a recurring theme: the blind-sided BS who thought they were in a happy/decent M, only to have their world blown up by a cold uncaring WS. Leaving a devastated BS to ponder: what happened? You might do some reading on narcissist discard to see if it seems to fit his behavior. Some WS are not only supremely selfish but also very good actors and liars. They are able to move on in an instant when the facade falls. But really as a faithful person you we can never know the mind of a cheater.

The best thing to remember is to take care of you. The unfairness of infidelity is mind-boggling. It just is. You can’t control him or force him to feel pain or regret. You can do what you have been doing. Deal with the trauma and grief and start to heal. Protect yourself and pursue separation and D post haste. You have a great start with your separation agreement signed. And No Contact equals no new hurts. I am so sorry you are going through this. But time is your ally. You will get through this. Don’t pain shop on social media and stay no contact. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:44 PM, Wednesday, February 22nd]

It is kind of true. He didn't really show you what he was. He has probably always been like this. Once you start seeing his behavior for what it was, things will make more sense. Unfortunately, this takes time and processing through what happened. He's always had his best interests at heart and you were a tool to be used and manipulated. It's devastating and adds another layer of trauma to process.

You might be right, but how did I miss it? We were together for 17 years. I don't exaggerate when I say we spent all our free time together other than regular work hours. I had a few friends, but he really didn't. Unlike many of the WSs I hear about he actually did more than his share of housework and regularly did nice things for me throughout our whole marriage.

He is incapable of compassion, empathy and remorse.

You also might be right here, but I didn't see that. I don't think he has/processes emotions like the rest of us, but I did believe he was compassionate. He seemed to care about the injustices in the world.

He has known all along what is going on, YOU have not, so the 3 weeks for you seems way too soon, to him it is not, that is the hardest part for a BS to understand. The part where we were not considered in all of this and you find out after the fact.

That's a great point. He's been thinking of doing this for who knows how long while cake eating while I thought everything was fine. I will never in my life understand how he could pretend like things were good with me to the point I had no idea.

You won't understand this right now, I remember how I felt at 3 weeks out, its painful and its hard and you are in shock, that is why you keep asking the same question "how can he do this?" I don't think our brains after a shock like this can comprehend right away, I mean we know it, we are sitting there just wondering what the hell is going on, but we can't or don't have any control over this....so the only control you have is taking back your own control, not worrying about his or what he is doing or what he wants.

Thanks, good point. I will listen to the wisdom of those further along the path than I and keep NC, hard 180.

I was so, so wrong about what I thought cheating would look like. I thought you'd have the WH staying out all hours, coming home with lipstick on the collar, unexplained purchases, etc. It didn't look like any of that. It looked like it always had, except he was just a ghost sitting in my living room and I had no idea.