SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you all again for everything. This forum is one of the only places I feel sane these days.

After some time had passed and I had some distance from discovering my H's affairs, I connected some dots about a pattern of self-centered behavior from my H that had been ongoing and also a pattern of avoidance (linked to being self-centered and self-protective). Prior to the affairs, the incidences of avoidance and self-centeredness seemed smaller to me and I excused them for various reasons, and, thus, I didn't see them as a larger part of his perspective and his way of dealing with the world.

THIS. I was listening to a podcast today by a woman whose H cheated and she commented on how, when she first met him, she noticed he had very few things and that now, in retrospect, it was a sign he didn't place value on sentimental things. I'm seeing similar things, such as I don't believe WH ever loved our pets and they are very lovable. He would take care of them and pet them a little when they would come near, but he mostly seemed annoyed. My cousin, who was at the house last weekend when he came by to get stuff, commented he didn't interact with them at all or say goodbye. He never cries; was proud of himself for tearing up a tiny bit when my mom died.

BallofAnxiety,

I think maybe you were married to a narcissist. Many of us were. Look up the cluster B personality traits. You may find that was the case. They are very good at lying, gaslighting, hiding things, controlling people, and snowing people into believing that they are very good and caring people when in reality they are the exact opposite. They do only what suits them—for them, to benefit them, get and do only what THEY want.

Cheating is a simply and completely a very selfish act. Common for narcissists.

If you find this to be true,(he is a narcissist) you will likely find a little peace in knowing this and his not having an interest in R. Often times a narcissist will try to keep the BS trapped, so again you may be VERY LUCKY here.

You might be right, Woundid. He's definitely got something wrong with him. Many times throughout the marriage I suggested he go to IC and he'd look at me like I'd grown a second head; he couldn't imagine anything at all that needed to be fixed or changed with him.

Here are 2 details to compare to your life.

The Narcissist's Prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

The narcissist frog analogy:

If you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will fight to live.

If you put a frog in cold water and slowly bring it to a boil, the frog will unsuspectingly boil to its death.

I bet you relate more to the second frog. I know I do. I gradually became what my ex wanted me to be and relinquished control of my own life until I was not the same person. I lost myself, so now I am starting from scratch…learning who I am again.

How are you doing?

I've been doing a little better!

I posted in another thread I went on a date this weekend. It was very casual, nothing serious, but I had a really nice time with a really nice man. We're still talking and will probably go out again. I doubt it will end up anything serious, but I feel a little hope for the future that I might not be alone forever if I don't want to be. I'm not ready for anything serious, but it's fun to meet new people and have new experiences. It's also reminding me it's possible I might be more attractive to others than I thought, which you all told me.

Today is a little harder. Tomorrow is the first day I'm to receive alimony under the separation agreement and I received an email from WH today asking for my bank info. Again, the tone of his email was business-like, like we were former colleagues who didn't know each other particularly well. No sorry, no remorse, no inquiry as to how me or the pets are doing. That is the hardest thing in this, after 17 years he treats me like a person he barely knows and never cared for.

I've been thinking more about the month we spent in fR before he finally admitted to having an affair, not some random internet thing. He seemed uncomfortable with me touching him, almost like it repulsed him. One time, we were on the couch and he suddenly got up and walked around the room, my thought at the time was that he couldn't handle the touch anymore and now I think that was correct, although I brushed it aside at the time. For some reason, that hurts now.

Overall, it's been a little over 2 months since what I'm now considering Dday 2 and a month since Dday 3. I can say NC (except for emails about the house or finances) has definitely helped. I'm not feeling great, but I'm feeling better than I thought I would. I know setbacks are coming, but I'm grateful for the improvement.

Quick question for you, are you comfortable giving your WS your banking information directly? Meaning I know he can put money in, but he can now take money out when you give someone that info....so was just asking.

Quick question for you, are you comfortable giving your WS your banking information directly? Meaning I know he can put money in, but he can now take money out when you give someone that info....so was just asking.

I'm concerned about that as well. Do you know if there's anyway for him to transfer money without having that kind of info? He said he's willing to mail a check, but that sounds like a pain.

Just wanted to say I am so proud of you ! Even going on a date is a huge step forward for you, I know I am still struggling with the thought of moving on. Feeling wanted and desired will definitely be a good boost for your self esteem.

Why don’t you create a separate account just for the alimony money? Your WH needs no access to anything that belongs to you.

Take care ! I want to see turn into a Ball of Attitude soon !!

Absolutely do not give him your bank account information. He can send it via Venmo, Paypal, Zelle, Cashapp, or any other electronic money transfer platform. Venmo is probably the easiest. Takes minutes to set up an account. Good luck.

Thank you all for your advice.

I took it and replied to his email he could pay me via Venmo. I stated when he could get the rest of his stuff and then I screwed up, writing the following:

"Re: taxes- the separation agreement states we will file taxes as married filing separately. The IRS does not allow us to file as anything other than married and you are correct, you will not have anything to do with my taxes this year. This will result in a larger than necessary tax burden, yet another stellar consequence of your behavior; but as long as you're happy, fuck the rest of us, right?"

I've been so good at remaining emotionless in every interaction with him until this one. It's not too bad, but I think I messed up.

Ball of Anxiety,

Don’t scold yourself. You are doing fine and I think it’s great you called it as it is. He deserved to hear that imo. Now you can go back to ignoring him! 😉

Thanks, Beach. Of course, he did not reply.

He did, however, pay the alimony through Venmo, so there's that.

Ball of Anxiety -

Glad he sent your money. And don’t be hard on yourself. I’m simply in awe of the BS on this board like yourself who have the discipline you do. I’m crazy and would’ve burned all the rest of his shit by now. Your restraint is admirable.

BallofAnxiety,

How are you doing physically?

Please try to take care of yourself despite being an involuntary participant on your emotional roller coaster.

Make sure you are eating. Try to sleep…even if that means taking a Benadryl at bedtime. Imodium for diarrhea…. Try to avoid caffeine as your nerves are already frazzled….it also increases your heart rate, which is likely already elevated causing an additional feeling of anxiety.

Pamper yourself a little. Maybe get a manicure/pedicure or go clothes/shoe shopping with a friend. Get a massage. A little distraction with some of these things can help keep you in the present and not focused on all of the negativity.

Stay strong. You can do this.

Thank you, Woundid.

My appetite is coming back a little and I'm drinking lots of water. Also drinking too much alcohol, but I will address that soon. I got to the gym this week.

I'm making an appointment to get a facial and looking into Botox. Never done anything like that before.

I've got IC tonight.

Also, as an update, I mailed a letter to OBS this week. I've not heard anything back yet.

I am glad to hear that you are doing some special things for yourself!

Also glad to hear that you felt attractive to men while out on a date….we did KNOW this to be true! I am happy that you were comforted by this realization.

I would caution against too much of this however, as you will be severely vulnerable for a good while. If you know of a man who might actually be good relationship material, you may want to hold off on that particular one for about 6 months or longer…The healing you—and I—need to do for yourself/ourselves is pretty extensive and it is entirely possible to mess up a good thing just by not being healed and ready for a new relationship.

The best advice I was given in this department was to take time to get to know me again. What do I like? What do I want to do? How will I live when everything is MY choice? Once I figure out the answers to those questions, I MAY be ready to start a new relationship, but not until then for certain.

If I go head-first into another relationship right now, I will very likely make the exact same mistakes all over again because I would be looking for comfort in the familiar….and what is currently familiar to me right now was NOT what was EVER good for me. I need to be strong enough in my own preferences and desires to be any good for another human being.

I just wanted to point that out in case it wasn’t discussed at IC.

I have an update. I spoke to the OBS last night.

As I was only able to find an address I sent him a letter with my phone number, he reached out as soon as he received it. He'd been trying to locate a number for me, as well. We spoke for over 3 hours and it was incredibly therapeutic.

He had also been suspicious to the point he followed her and confronted them. This occurred during the time I thought we were working on things, before he'd fully admitted to the affair. I looked back through my communications with WH that day and there was no sign anything happened. I don't understand how someone could compartmentalize so thoroughly.

Another thing that came out of the conversation was I don't feel the same way about the A that I did. The WH and AP apparently met almost entirely in a parking lot. They were having trashy, classless sex in a fucking car. I also doubt the whole 'they're in lurv' thing. I go out every Saturday for many hours and as far as both I and the OBS can tell, they didn't meet up then, at least not regularly. If they were so infatuated they blew up their lives, why weren't they spending all the time together they could? It's weird.

I'm so, so glad I sent the letter. It was really great to speak with him and I think we will be a resource for information and healing for each other moving forward.

This is good news! I was never in this situation, so in my opinion, I would say you are very lucky to have someone in nearly the exact same boat and feeling the same emotions you are. I really wish I had had that.

An infidelity forum has been the closest to that for me, and I have REALLY appreciated the support that I received from some wonderful people.

Technical difficulties on SI?

BallofAnxiety,

How are you holding up?