SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some of you might remember my first post. We haven’t actually had a talk about DDay 3 yet and doing a separation because both of my kids have been super sick and restless and without anyone to watch them I didn’t want to risk exposing them to this situation. Of course that didn’t stop her.

So tonight as I’m done putting the kids to bed I decide to check my wife’s messenger as that’s something I obsess over and where most of my evidence is from. The meet up guy from DDay 2 messaged her. Hasn’t been heard from in like a month. She actually gets aggressive with him and makes a crude joke about stripping last night (Valentine’s). He tells her to come fuck him in her stripper heels. Then he starts with the meet me shit. They go back and forth and my wife makes a comment about they should meet up to bang and then she won’t hear from him for a week. She also makes a comment to him about he knows she gives impeccable blow jobs. She then tells him she can meet him tomorrow night conveniently around the time I put my kids to bed. He doesn’t answer but that doesn’t mean anything cause either way the damage is done. I’ve decided I’m going to wait and see what happens tomorrow and if she makes up some story about needing to go somewhere when I put the kids to bed like Target so she can meet him before I do anything.

I am so mentally, physically and emotionally tired of this. I’m reaching the point where I’m going to risk talking to her after the kids are asleep cause I can’t keep putting this off. It’s killing me to watch her pretend she loves me while she keeps doing these horrible things behind my back.

She even had the audacity to give me a card on Valentine’s Day telling me how sorry she is for everything she’s done and that she only wants to be with me and I’m her soulmate. What a crock of bullshit.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for at this point. Do I even bother trying to gather more evidence? I feel like I have enough at this point. I have hundreds of screens and several videos. I’m in a state where adultery doesn’t impact visitation or alimony. I need to schedule another divorce consultation as mine got cancelled the other day. I need to implement the 180 method for my own sanity.

[This message edited by Kevinm12 at 8:59 AM, Thursday, February 16th]

Sorry you keep having to live this way.

When you sit down to talk to her, be prepared for the "it didn’t mean anything" routine.

You deserve better than this.

Is the OM married,or does he have a girlfriend?

Take a pic of those messages, and send it to her. He will drop your wife.

Then..if you have decided to separate,stop look at her messages. She's not going to stop, and it will only cause you further pain.

This piece of shit is single. Knows 100% about me. Has even gone as far as to tell my wife to have me or my MIL watch the kids so she could come hook up with him which means he knows how she gets out of the house to see him by lying.

She’ll change her passwords again as soon as I confront her anyways. There’s no way she won’t know I’ve been able to see them and have her password. She deleted the messages right after they were sent so there’s no way I could have seen them even if I had snooped.

And you’re right. All I’m doing is pain shopping at this point by reading her messages. I know what she’s doing, she knows what she’s doing and I know she isn’t going to stop so I need to just 180 and gray rock. Once I explore my options with a divorce attorney I’ll decide how to move forward.

I feel so stuck and just emotionally fucked up right now. This is so unfair. I don’t understand how my wife who had been faithful for 12 years woke up one day and decided she needed to fuck other guys but not leave me or divorce me if she wasn’t happy. I wasn’t great but neither was she and I didn’t deserve this.

Have you seen an attorney yet? Have you talked to your parents or close friends?

Infidelity is so shocking, particularly when it's ongoing. We end up stunned by the strength of our emotions and oftentimes, it leaves us confused as to what our next actions should be. It sounds like you're stuck waiting to see what your WW is going to do, but perhaps the wiser course would be to plan your own actions instead.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:07 PM, Thursday, February 16th]

you don’t deserve it. and it totally sucks.
When you find evidence take a picture and store it someplace she cannot access.

As far as do you need more evidence. No, not really. This is not a court of law. You decide when enough is enough.
You may choose to hold off confronting her (if you can… I was not able to not confront) until after talking to a couple layers.

Kudos to you for continuing to be a good dad while going through this— shows your true character.
And yes, the 180 gives you the mental space to start detaching and protect your own sanity.

Hang in there— you are working to getting yourself out of infidelity. It sucks now, but it does get better.

Wow, so incredibly painful. I'm so sorry. When you catch it live, it just is so shocking. Sometimes your brain just needs the extra reality checks "yep, this is happening, this is who she is" because it's so different from what you previously believed. So while there may be a pain-shopping aspect, you may also need the extra confirmation.

This can end whenever you say it does.

When she makes plans to leave the house, tell her that she can take a suitcase with her and stay with OM.

So sorry my man - this is so unreal. She will not leave because you are providing her with security. These others idiots see her for what she really is - a sexual release. They do not want her for anything more than that. You do need to exit this and heal yourself and be the best dad ever. She will wake up some day - once she realizes that she has been used up but by then you will have moved on. Best to you - you got this!!!

I am so sorry for your situation. It was very difficult to read so I ended up skimming it for my own sanity. Please, for your sake, end this charade immediately. My recommendations: Sit her down and work out a temporary arrangement where one of you leaves the home and stays somewhere else. Preferably, she leaves. Maybe the two of you can alternate as to who stays at the house until the divorce is final. But make it clear to her that you will be seeing an attorney immediately and will push the divorce through as quickly as possible and that you do not wish to live under the same roof one second longer than necessary. Also, tell her that you will tell everyone what she has been doing and will include the names of her APs. Get yourself into IC to help you navigate the next several months. Go NC, except for matters concerning the children and the divorce. Make that clear to her. I'd take the Valentine's card she gave you and burn it right in front of her.

I have no words … it’s shocking that someone can live like this. Pretend to be someone they clearly are not. Its hurtful on a level only a bs can understand. And I do understand. She needs serious help. But in the meantime you need to distance yourself from her in every way… she is not a safe partner. Think of yourself and your children first. Put your health first. Be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry Kevin, you deserve so much better than this. Please see a lawyer as soon as you can, you will feel stronger when you are equipped with knowledge. You are stronger than you think.

Take the information to an attorney. If she’s going to be a single woman with children in the house and brings these kind of men in you need your children instead of her. Be proactive.

Kevin- She can only hurt you if you continue to allow her to.

You already know enough, have enough evidence, there is not further need to pain shop. If you decide to divorce her, and I sure as hell hope you do, than start detaching. That means don't look at her social media and don't track her any longer.

DO however track for the purpose of your upcoming divorce. Prove that she has been leaving the kids with you to go hook up with another man. Use that as a bargaining chip if you can, it may not be worth anything anyway in court, but you can try.

Best thing for you to do is to start separating finances now. Move money, open new accounts and prepare for your divorce. Its coming whether you want it to or not. Its best you go in with your head in the right place, with knowledge and an attorney guiding you. Fight for your rights, your kids and money. She's is going to be your enemy. See her as such.

Start the 180 now. Detach, spend time with your kids. Its been over 5 yrs from my Dday. I'm in such a better place, my kids are doing well, I've met a new woman and remarried. It happens when you dump that anchor of a wife you have, and give yourself the freedom to move on. I got a bunch of help from the folks on here, and some folks who are no longer on here, but if you detach and keep putting one foot in front of the next, you will be out of this mess and on to a better life. Don't let a shitty person keep you from living your best life. You got this Kevin.