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Sometimes your fears to come to fruition post divorce. One of my fears was losing my kids to alienation. It finally happened and I'm devastated. I don't know how to put myself back together after this. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest but I will be strong for my son.

Yesterday my son got into a minor disagreement and escalated into my xWS putting his hands around my son's neck, trying to strangle him and pushed him back into a chair. I picked my son up, he no longer wants to live at his dads and I don't feel it is safe either after this incident. I reported it to CPS (child protective services) last night. When my daughter arrived she flipped out hearing that I reported to CPS and then tried to attack me. My son came in between me and her and then they started fighting which I then had to break up. My daughter called my ex to pick her up and she just screamed at me "what did you do?" and more nasty language towards me. Said I tore this family apart and she never wants to see me again. Then she left with my ex.

I don't know what to do. Not sure how I repair a relationship with my adult daughter. I'm devastated

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:20 PM, Tuesday, February 28th]

Wow CBS that is just horrible. You must be reeling with all sorts of different emotions.

Do you have any insight into why your daughter would react that way? I get a child being upset that Dad might be in trouble with the authorities but her reaction (to attack you and her brother) seems way out of bounds. There is also her lack of concern for her brother and her unwillingness to hold the perp (Dad) accountable.

On first blush, it makes me think she is in a fragile state, mourning the loss of her family maybe? Feeling torn between you and her Dad? Some kind of fragility that just snapped in that moment.

Not making excuses obviously, just trying to help you make some sense of it.

{{CBS}}

So sorry about all of this. I'm hoping that when your daughter gets older, she'll come around. I was about 24-25 before I figured out that my mom wasn't as bad as I thought when I was a teen.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this hell, CBS.

I just want to reinforce that you did the right thing by calling CPS; in fact I think that if your son is willing to cooperate, you should report it to the police, as CPS tends to drag their feet, with often devastating results. Numerous studies of DV have shown that manual strangulation is frequently a precursor to killing a spouse/family member. NO ONE is safe around your ex, including your daughter, even though she is taking his side.

I suspect she is doing this because she’s been subject to your ex’s lies and manipulations, just as you once were. It’s also safer for her for her to attack you, the sane and loving parent, then stand up to her father, who has proven himself to be both physically and emotionally dangerous.

All you can do is continue to love your daughter and make yourself available, whether or not she reaches out and reciprocates. I think she will eventually wake up and see your ex for what he is.

But no matter how heartbreaking her rejection is, you cannot let it stop you from protecting your son and going to the authorities. I think she is in danger, too. Just because she has been cast in the role of "golden child" right now doesn’t mean that your ex won’t turn on her in the future.

How are you doing, CBS?

Hi thank you I am doing ok. I'm happy my son is doing better. His dad has already reached out to him to deny his actions and try to blame my son. Luckily my son is seeing right through it and answered him in a respectable manner and sticking to his boundaries and his truth. I'm so proud of him. I explained to him that his father has done the same to me when he had to be accountable always placed the blame on me. I told my son it is gaslighting and DARVO. My son read about those and was stunned and said yes that is what is happening. I'm glad he is leaning on me during this difficult time and that I could shed some light on the situation. My daughter however has not reached out to apologize only voiced how upset she is and needed time. I told her I understand and take whatever time she needs. It's all I can do.

Thank you for the responses and support here.
I thought of going to authorities first , my son didn't want me to and my friend told me CPS would relay info to authorities? I'm not sure if that is correct or not. I just want this on record. I also contacted my lawyer and have a phone meeting set for next week.

On first blush, it makes me think she is in a fragile state, mourning the loss of her family maybe?

Yes she has voiced this before. So I am just going to give her space. One thing she kept repeating and it is what my ex has been smearing me with since I left is that I broke up the family by getting a D. So I'm not sure how much of that talk is rubbing off onto my daughter. She essentially said that verbatim to me that I am ripping this family apart

I thought of going to authorities first , my son didn't want me to and my friend told me CPS would relay info to authorities

This isn't guaranteed; it pretty much depends on the subjective opinion of the CPS agent who handles the case and whether they think your son is in imminent danger.

Definitely ask your lawyer's opinion on what you should do about getting this incident on the record.

When someone puts their hands around someone's neck,and strangles them, they're cutting off that person's air supply. So let's just call it what it was. He tried to kill your son. No way should your son have any contact with that man again.

Unfortunately, your daughter has been swayed into feeling as if her dad is the victim. There is nothing you can do to change her mind. Let her know you are there when she wants to talk,and you love her..then let it be. The more you try to get her to see the truth,the more she will cling to her dad.

Call the police. CPS doesn't always contact them. At the very least, a report needs to be made about him strangling your child.

How old are the kids?

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:08 PM, Thursday, March 2nd]

How old are the kids?

My daughter is 19 and my son is 16

How are you holding up, crazyblindsided?

I don't know what state you are in but the penalties for strangulation are usually very severe, as they SHOULD be. Your son could have died or at the least, ended up with brain damage from lack of oxygen. You did the right thing by reporting.

I suspect she is doing this because she’s been subject to your ex’s lies and manipulations, just as you once were. It’s also safer for her for her to attack you, the sane and loving parent, then stand up to her father, who has proven himself to be both physically and emotionally dangerous.

^^^^THIS

Until she has had time to get out of BOTH of your orbits and get into therapy, she won't have the space to evaluate what is "normal" behavior or "unhealthy" behavior. Right now she's so deep in the fight or flight drama, her brain isn't even capable of processing all the damage that has been done.

When we're kids, we just absorb everything without question. Questioning all the gaslighting, lies, abuse she's been through growing up takes an enormous amount of support. She doesn't even have safety right now.

I'm afraid it's going to be a long road for her before she'll be able to come back from all this. Doesn't mean she won't. Doesn't mean you have to allow her to treat you poorly either.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Thank you for the responses. I'm doing ok it's hard not having my normal relationship with my daughter though. My son is still staying with me. His dad keeps asking when he's coming back but my son has still refused. I don't blame him and I don't trust him to go back to living there 50% of the time. Good thing is police came to interview my son and it is on record. I still am waiting to be interviewed by CPS and keep putting in calls to remind them. I'm not sure what consequences my xWS has received from this, if police have come to see him or CPS because we are no contact. I sure hope this gave him a wake-up or pause but sadly he has always gotten away with criminal behavior.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:04 PM, Tuesday, March 14th]

Thank you for the update! I've been worried about you and your family.

I'm glad that the police came to see you and that the strangulation incident has been documented, whether or not any criminal action results from it. I recommend calling up the investigating officer for an update in a week or two if you don't hear anything.

Forget about going back to live with your ex 50% of the time... your son shouldn't be there at all! He's making the right decision by refusing to see him because your ex is clearly a very dangerous man.

As for your daughter, I'm so sorry about your continuing lack of contact with her and hope that she reaches out to you soon.

Go get a copy of the police report. Also, call CPS and talk to a supervisor and relay that there is a police report that your ex tried to kill your son. Do NOT downplay any of it and do NOT let CPS downplay it, either! Strangulation is THE most indicative of homicidal behavior. These monsters are the ones who escalate the quickest and murder their victims. Get a restraining order against him on behalf of your son.

(((CBS)))

I'm so sorry about this. Although I have dealt with parental alienation, it has been nothing like this. Your ex crossed an uncrossable boundary and your (adult) daughter took his side? Wow.

I have friends who were victims of parental alienation as children. They eventually figured out that their favorite person was a no-good, terrible, bad person. So, be patient, be a good person, and hope for the best. Alternatively, you could try seeing a marriage and family therapist with your daughter. Relationships are relationships and you could try that route if she is interested.

I have started a reply to this thread a couple of times, but always fill it with more personal experience that I care to share.

Let’s just put it this way:
I had a child that two weeks after reaching the legal age of majority stormed out of my house due to "draconian" rules. Rules like taking turns to do the dishes, sharing the house-work, stay in school = free food, but drop out = get a job.
She refused my calls and requests for a discussion about the issues. Eventually I sent her an email where I told her she was always welcome back, but if she wanted to live at home she would need to follow the rules of the house. I was open to discuss them, but so far I didn’t see any as unfair or unreasonable.

I didn’t hear from her for nearly four years… I monitored her and knew about her life. For the first couple of years mainly downhill, but at some point it started turning round. About 4 years later I got an email asking if she could have us back in her life.
Like I told her: We never kicked her out or refused her access to us – she DECIDED to leave. We did have to clear some air and mend some bridges, but now – in the shelter on anonymity – she’s probably the child I’m proudest of.

So my advice regarding your daughter… She’s 19… she CAN live her life, and it’s inevitable that she does move out. Make it clear to her that leaving was her decision and that your home is open to her, but that it needs to be HER decision to come back. You can differentiate between your house and your home. The HOME is something you share with others, but it takes place in your HOUSE, and that is solely yours. As the HOUSE owner you get to set the rules for behaviors in your HOME that is in your HOUSE.