SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

it's been a rough week...after 14yrs i found out about my wife's affair last week, she told me that it had been going on for about 8-9 months. i am going through the roller coaster of emotions from loving her to hating her. i feel like she is the love of my life but i can't help but think of the messages that i saw. when she told me about it i started checking in on her laptop and since the phone was synced up to the laptop i could view the messages. i told her if she was serious about wanting to work things out she would have to block the other person. they never met in person only chatted online since they live 4hrs away but i saw explicit messages and i can't get the images of what was said out of my head. she blocked the person on her phone, sent me a screenshot of her blocking them, but when i got home i checked her messages and sure enough they were unblocked and texted within the hour of sending me the screenshot. we had our 1st session of couples' counseling and after i told her that she had to delete the contact info, clear deleted messages(there's a backup folder on iphones of deleted messages), and block them through our phone carrier. she was hesitant at 1st but did it because she said she didn't want to be alone in case our relationship doesn't last. we have another couple of days until our next session but i really don't know what to do about everything. the trust has been broken, i don't want to be cold towards her but it's also hard to be in the same house with her since it's just the 2 of us and she wants to talk about it. she claims that there was no emotional connection but since it was going on for so long and that she was hesitant to block him i feel like she might be emotionally checked out of the relationship.

So sorry that happened to you, OP.

Some very seasoned members will be on your thread in short order. And you will receive great advice here.

She is in desperation mode right now. I think the fact that she unblocked AP after going through the dog and pony show of blocking him for you speaks volumes as to where her head is at. And sadly it isn't with you. It is hard enough to deal with a third person in a relationship as it is. But having to deal with it on top of whatever magical feelings she derived from the AP is nightmarish to say the least.

Again, some very good advice will be coming your way soon. One way or another, you will get through this. .

Welcome to SI, and so very sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that contain great information. Also, the Healing Library is another great resource, and contains a list of the acronyms we use.

Generally, we recommend IC (individual counseling) so you have a chance to heal before going to MC (marriage counseling). If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist who has experience with infidelity, that would be most helpful. Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC to figure out why she had the A and to fix herself to become a safe partner. When you've both healed sufficiently, then MC is helpful. The M didn't cheat - your wife did. MC will help with communication and making the M better. What I found in my case is that the MC tried to shift blame to me. "We'll take a look at why Mr. Fields felt he needed to go outside the M." Frankly, if that were the case, I'd have been the one who had the A.

We're here to help you get out of infidelity, which is either R (reconcile) or D (divorce). Your WW had many options to chose from rather than have an A. She could have come to you and voiced anything that she felt needed to be addressed, she could have suggested MC, she could have D you before getting involved.

The emotional roller coaster is real, and you can expect the ride to pick you up any time. For me, I found meditation and mindfulness helpful in reigning in my spiraling thoughts.

I am sorry you are in this horrible position. Her wanting to stay in contact with him in case your marriage fails, proves she is not 100% into reconciliation. Until her mindset changes, successful reconciliation is unlikely. She is not a safe partner. Given the information you have provided I would suggest that you not demand anything of her. Instead I would suggest that you tell her that you want to be happy and you want her to be happy. Tell her she is free to pursue the other relationship, but not as your wife. Tell her you would like to R but that will only work if she makes you and the marriage her 100% priority. Until that time, the only real option she is leaving you is D. Tell her that as long as she maintains contact with her AP, you will not consider reconciliation. Tell her that if she ever physically meets him, D will be the only option. Tell her she broke the trust and it is 100% on her to come up with a plan for her to become a safe partner.

Put the onus on her. Judge her by her actions, not her words. In the meantime, find a competent divorce lawyer and review your options. Follow the lawyers advice to protect your interests as much as you can. You may even want to actually start divorce proceedings. You can always pause them if she comes around and you think you want to R.

Good luck. You will get great support here and good advice.

If it went on that long,it's because she thinks she has feelings for him.

Men don't typically involve themselves in an affair with a married woman, to send messages with. They're in it for the sex.

4 hours is not a long drive to meet for sex,or meet someone you have feelings for. Especially since this went on for nearly a year.

I'd schedule a polygraph. Tell her she has to take it as a requirement for you to attempt reconciliation.

You don't have the truth yet.

Cancel MC. The marriage didn't cheat. She did. She needs IC to figure out why she cheated. It has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.

Plus,a bad MC can do a lot of damage. They may tell you to stop asking questions, transparency isn't needed,some even tell their clients its ok to continue being friends with the AP. A bad MC, with an unremorseful WS, is a disaster for the BS.

So sorry, blee, you found yourself in this dreadful situation. Especially with what looks like unremorseful WS...at least at this point.

You received good advice so far from prior posters re looking at lawyers to see your options, poly, etc.

she said she didn't want to be alone in case our relationship doesn't last.

Do you know if the AP married or single? Several scenarios are possible here as AP is married but lies saying he's single. Especially as you/your WS claim that the A was online only. If the AP is M, try to locate other BS contact and let her know. But don't inform your WW you would be doing this.

I would also suggest reading about 180. Understandable after 1 week that you don't want to be cold with her. However, being warm with your (what you describe unremorseful) WS would most likely do nothing, even could be the path to rug-sweeping. As you said, you feel she emotionally checked out. IMO, the only option you have is say firm "NO" to this behavior, that you are not willing to share your wife emotionally or physically. She's free to do what she wants but w/out you as her H. Please don't allow yourself to find yourself in limbo. It is difficult to find strength at the moment but try to get the control of the situation and firmly tell what you WANT and NEED. If WW has truly checked out, time to start your own healing and detaching.

WS's behavior closely resembles toddler's behavior. Personally, I was not willing to be M to the man-child. Woman-child might be different in the man's view :). As the other poster said, she needs her OWN IC. However, you can't force her to do anything. She must want to work on her brokenness herself.

Strength and healing to you!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 7:51 PM, Friday, March 17th]

Blee,

I am so sorry we have to meet this way. My DD was a month and a half ago. No one process works for everyone, but here is what is working for me (BS, with WS for 27 years).

1) Your first step is not to pressure yourself to decide on what this means for your marriage. Give yourself the time to process and recover. I strongly recommend the resources pinned at the top and in the healing library. They gave me the framework I needed to clearly articulate to my spouse that there was a process we had to go through to understand what happened, and then and only then could we decide on separation or reconciliation.

2) Like your spouse, my spouse was initially reluctant to go no contact and said he was "undecided." Sometimes that is a defensive strategy that is part of how the spouse keeps themselves from fully facing what they have done. It took a week or so of processing, but he got to where he fully committed to NC during recovery. He has also dramatically changed his understanding of his actions, recognizing how it was an escape and a fantasy. He's gone from defensive to fully engaged in the work. He needed to get over his sense of shame enough to face the truth of his actions.

2) In our case, we are using a book by Talal Alsaleem called Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing that Can Happen to Your Marriage. The book describes a process for understanding and processing what happened and then deciding. In our case, it has been essential to give us a way to talk about hard things we have to talk about. We read a chapter and then use it to discuss. It has helped him understand the consequences of what he has done, but it has also helped me understand how a person I loved and trusted could become someone who betrayed me so deeply. It has also helped us understand this: the choice is simple. Either our marriage is over, or we are 100% committed to reconciling and rebuilding a better relationship than before. Every situation is different, but this book has probably helped more than marriage counseling would have. We are both in IC, though.

3)Focus on your healing yourself more than on saving the marriage. Recover, and if you can recover together, maybe you can reconcile and learn to trust again. I don't know yet what I will decide, but I FEEL more grounded and certain that I can be ok on either path I might choose.

Again, your situation is not mine. Either way, though, I am so grateful to those on this site that helped me understand that the decision on what was going to happen to the marriage could wait until I was recovered enough to make a decision that was right for me. The book I mention above even has a chapter on handling the logistics of how to live (even together in the same house) while you work through things so you can get to a place you are ready to make a choice.

First and always—take care of you.

You are the prize. You are the faithful one. This was not your fault. This infidelity resulted from a partner who responded to real or perceived unmet needs in an immature, escapist way. The act of infidelity is a selfish one that violates the core of a marriage. The truth is that when the WS cheats, they are thinking of their own needs and forgetting to care about ours.

Agree with Hellfire. Cancel MC snd set up a poly ASAP.

Why did she tell you after 8 months? Why does she think your relationship won’t necessarily last? How was your marriage prior to her A?

Blee, please go get tested for STDS.

4 hours is not very far to travel to meet up for sex.

The OM could easily travel to where your W is and get a hotel room where they meet up for sex.

So sorry that you are hurting.

Sending strength.

There has been a ton of good advice thrown your way. You are fortunate to have found this site so early, unlike many of us who muddled through bad MC/IC, bad books, and bad advice before landing here.

As a note of caution, many newly minted BS's come here and reject what they are being told, thinking that their situation, unlike the tens of thousands here, is somehow special, that their WS does not fit the traditional pattern of wayward behaviour. The sooner you realize that human behaviour, by and large, is fairly predictable on average, and waywards generally follow a pattern, the quicker you will move forward in a positive direction.

You will probably make some mistakes or errors in moving forward, as your head and heart align. This process will take as long as it takes. Right now, the woman of your dreams is a fictional construct, she always has been. The real woman, the one in front of you right now, is who she actually is. She might be enough after she does the work, she might not. You might lose patience if she drags her feet in coming around, you might not. What you need to do is to detach and detox so that you can begin to see things clearly. A good IC can help. Read up on the hard and soft 180 in the healing library. That might help.

Start putting yourself first. Pick up heavy shit and put it down. Exercise will help release stress, build muscle and regulate your hormone levels, not to mention sleep.

Visit this site often and post. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed as we have all gone through this crap. It's unfair, but survivable, hence the name of this place. Good luck.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:08 AM, Sunday, March 19th]

She just told you that you are her Plan B. Do not let her consider you number two. I think you need some serious IC to help you make boundaries. You are worth more than her after thought.

she might be emotionally checked out of the relationship

.

She's emotionally having sex with another man.

You found out and it wasn't enough to scare her out of communicating with him.

Now you're bargaining & negotiating with her to even block the man.

She's not a child, stop treating her like one.

[This message edited by Tren0R201 at 1:28 PM, Sunday, March 19th]

Off topic but where is the backup file of deleted messages? I’d be interested bc my WH deleted all of the ones between them.

Welcome to SI. The best club no one wants to join.

You are still in shock. Marriage counseling is most likely a terrible idea that will retraimatize you, buy into unmet needs, and assist your wife in blameshifting by treating the affair as a shared problem.

It's not a shared problem. It's a problem with your wife that she needs to fix before you can even consider reconciling and repairing you marriage.

She explicitly told you she didn't want to be alone if you left her. Keeping AP on the line as a backup plan is an absolute non-stater. Like all cake eaters she really just wants to have her cake and eat it too. The last thing she wants is to lose you AND her AP. What a fall! Going from having two men to having none!

That's what she is protecting. Not you.

For now I'd assume she is your enemy and is still in an informational war with you. Be on the lookout for burners, alternate means of contact, etc.

Agree with those that suggest a polygraph.

Sending strength.

she said she didn't want to be alone in case our relationship doesn't last.

This indicates 2 things:
1. She monkey branches.
2. She is causing her 'prophesy' to come true.

Why does she think that the relationship will not last?

So sorry for what is happening to you!

My very first thought on reading your post was that 4 hours is really not that far away. Especially when you you consider that this went on for 8 - 9 months.

You know your WW has no problem lying to you. Blocking him, sending you the screenshot and then immediately unblocking him is a perfect example. I agree with the others that you should request a polygraph.

Be sure to read the tactical primer thread stickied in this JFO forum. Then go to the library section here and read up more on the 180 process. A book recommendation is Not Just Friends, something you and her can read if you decide to move toward Reconciliation.

Blee,

I advise saving all evidence of the affair. It comes in useful down the road when piecing together the timeline, looking for inconsistencies in the timeline or the narrative. It’s important to get your arms around the depth and breadth of the betrayal so that you can make informed decisions as you go, so that you know-exactly, what you’re being asked to forgive and reconcile.

You don’t have to read all the texts, but at least you’ll have them saved for future reference if necessary. This stuff may also come in handy if you’re in an at fault state.

There’s also a thing called "Trickle Truth". Where weeks-months-years down the road you’re still only getting palatable doses of the whole story.

You need as much of the whole story you can get your hands on to wholistically reconcile and get this thing truly behind you. Otherwise, the unknowns become haunting, a mythos that will torment you for years, blanks you will fill with your worst imaginings.

Push for and foster complete disclosure. Gather and preserve all evidence.

I also advise on prioritizing IC over MC at this time.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:34 PM, Sunday, March 26th]

Hi blee,

Sorry you had to join this forum.

I hope you had the chance to see all the messages. Because you can not be really sure if they have met.
Yes, they are 4 hours apart, but maybe they could meet in the middle, and all of a sudden it is only 2 hours.
But if you have read all the messages, and they do not talk about a meet, then you could be right that they did not.

But there is an other part that would bother me.
She only complied to your demands because she does not want to be alone in case the relationship with you fails.
So in fact she did not do it because she still loves you, she did not do it because she wanted to save the relationship because she wants to be with you. No, she did it because she does not want to be alone.
You might think she would be okay if there was someone else waiting on her. This would mean you are her plan B, her safety net.

And yes, you are right, there really is/was an emotional connection. If there was none, then she would have not unblocked him an hour after the screenshot.

it's been a rough week...after 14yrs i found out about my wife's affair last week, she told me that it had been going on for about 8-9 months. i am going through the roller coaster of emotions from loving her to hating her. i feel like she is the love of my life but i can't help but think of the messages that i saw. when she told me about it i started checking in on her laptop and since the phone was synced up to the laptop i could view the messages. i told her if she was serious about wanting to work things out she would have to block the other person. they never met in person only chatted online since they live 4hrs away but i saw explicit messages and i can't get the images of what was said out of my head. she blocked the person on her phone, sent me a screenshot of her blocking them, but when i got home i checked her messages and sure enough they were unblocked and texted within the hour of sending me the screenshot. we had our 1st session of couples' counseling and after i told her that she had to delete the contact info, clear deleted messages(there's a backup folder on iphones of deleted messages), and block them through our phone carrier. she was hesitant at 1st but did it because she said she didn't want to be alone in case our relationship doesn't last. we have another couple of days until our next session but i really don't know what to do about everything. the trust has been broken, i don't want to be cold towards her but it's also hard to be in the same house with her since it's just the 2 of us and she wants to talk about it. she claims that there was no emotional connection but since it was going on for so long and that she was hesitant to block him i feel like she might be emotionally checked out of the relationship.