SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I came home and he'd emptied the washing machine and hung it on the airer to dry. I can't remember that EVER happening before. I think the reality might be hitting him. Poor lamb.

Isn’t it so predictable? "Oh I was caught cheating again, let me put the washing out, that will definitely fix it".

You can see how their little brain is working, some cheaters truly believe that some small acts of kindness and attention will change the fact that they’ve destroyed their marriage.

Perhaps if you came home to a clear plan of him telling you he booked IC and read an infidelity related book and how he realises he’s broken and he will work on fixing it, it may have given you something to think about. Like this… it just shows he has absolutely no clue.

He thinks that doing laundry is going to absolve him!!??! Welp, he is right out of the cheater’s handbook. He does not do reality. It hurts his brain to much.
Get your ducks in a row by first seeing a dr. about possible stds. Second see an attorney. You need to have figures available to help with timelines.
Take care of yourself.

So this evening, I told him we need to think about what to tell parents. We are supposed to be going out with his parents on Saturday and I don't want to go, I can't stand them. I can pretend to be ill but then what do we say going forward? I can tell his parents we're separating and the kids don't know, but I don't know what to tell the kids....I don't want to tell them until I know how I am going to resolve all this (i.e. what the practicalities are) and definitely not until after eldest's mock exams in May.

We are then booked to go away with my parents over Easter. He will invent a work trip to cover that one. I will talk to my dad but it might not be until after that trip. I need to get him on his own.

He offered to move out, I said there's no need at this point (£1000+ for what? - he's on about hanging around here to 'help' with the kids until they go to bed anyway.

I said I need some time to look at my options financially. I need to buy a cheap house and a cheap car, which means selling our house. He said he'd move out and I stay here. I don't think we can afford that.

I asked again if he'd tell me who she is, he said no. Also wouldn't tell me when it started. He is adamant I don't need to know this. He's protecting her and her identity and he isn't protecting me.

He then said his vision is for us to still be close friends and to parent together. I said no. He is not my friend.

Sorry, I feel like I keep spewing every detail on here. I have only told one person IRL and they're going to get sick of me soon!

[This message edited by DebraVation at 8:23 PM, Tuesday, March 28th]

Oh False-R is just mindnumbing. I'm so sorry you have to join the false-R club.

I'm so glad that you have clarity in a decision about what to do - as in you do not want to try to R - that makes your future easier in that you can start planning now. I also did the stay in the same house for awhile after deciding we were done and I will admit that is NOT easy sometimes - to me if he can afford to get out I think you will feel better - so that 1000 may be worth it in the long run. I also am not an advocate of staying "for the kids" (as a child of a nasty divorce I can only say the best thing my parents did for me personally was not stay together) - but all the being said, it is FINE to vent here and not ask for advice.

I can relate 100% to the need to talk about it and sometimes talking to relative strangers is easier anyway, which is why most of us are here, or at least why we started out here.

In relation to your comment about not being able to afford your staying in the house, is there a way for him to financially make that happen? Do you even want to? (I know I didn't want to stay there anymore - I wanted my own place that was just mine). Make a tentative deadline for all that to be sorted. If you want to talk to the kids post-exam in May then set a date in June where you have all of your ducks in a row if you can do it that quickly. If not, set a tentative date and work towards that as it sounds like you are like me re planning. Give me a task and a deadline and I will have something to focus on and move forward otherwise I'm prone to ruminating.

It must have been going on longer than you thought and she is either married or "true luuurve" hence he’s protecting her.

Amazing how they don’t protect their kids from the fallout of cheating on their mum but more concerned about protecting their lovers.

Friends… right out of the cheater’s book, mine also wanted to remain friends, they think it is so magnanimous of them to offer their "valuable" friendship to us. Erm… with friends like that, who needs enemies.

It sounds like you have a good plan going forward. I hope you will put him to his parents too when the time is right so they know what a treasure his son is.

Keep writing here, that’s what this forum is for.

His parents are amazing in the wrong ways, hence my need to cut them off now. Last time, he took OW to their house twice while they were away and had sex on their sofa. I told them in no uncertain manner. They still turned it round to be my fault for failing to meet his needs, and told me I 'had to' sort it out for the kids. I had to, not him. So this wouldn't affect their view of him I don't think He's just too good for me!

They also sent me an email essentially telling me to pull myself together and that it was 'worse for them than for me'. They are treasures. My parents won't even come here at Christmas any more if they're going to be here.

[This message edited by DebraVation at 8:54 PM, Tuesday, March 28th]

DebraVation, I'm sorry you're going through all this trauma. Your husband is a piece of work. As far as visiting with his parents, you don't need an excuse. Simply don't go. They are rude, mean people. You don't want to be around them. You don't have to be around them or pretend. What you tell your children, if they ask, is that you don't want to go, so you aren't. That's it. You don't have to explain yourself to people.

Yeah, well clearly, they’ve done a pretty poor job parenting their son. Great, you can cast them off now. One more on the benefits of current situation list. Re the mocks, May is not so far away. If you can cope with it, I would suggest capitalising on his current need to help out for the next few weeks to greatly relieve the strain on you, and pulling his weight 70:30, as you have so much else to think through. Sounds like you’re handling everything really well.

Agree with Edie - May isn't so far off; take advantage of his willingness to pull his weight around the house for the next month. That will give you a break from handling all the household tasks and such. You WH is such a shit for not being honest with you and giving you the "why do you even need to know" bullshit. It's obvious he cares very little for you. You're on the right path - I wish you the very best. The kids - they'll bounce back, just take care of their tender hearts right now - maybe get them into IC for the turmoil that's upcoming. As for his parents - ugh, just cut them off already. They aren't doing you any good for your own mental health and look what kind of son they raised anyway. You don't owe them an explanation - besides, no matter what you tell them, they're always going to see you as the adversary and look at their son as the perfect angel. What a crock. Keep us posted!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 4:22 PM, Thursday, March 30th]

It sounds like that apple isn't falling far from that tree...

Hang in there. Get your ducks in a row and start seeing a therapist. There's never a good time to split up but mocks are better than the actual exams. It's an epically shitty thing to do to your kids (your WS's actions, not yours) at this age and stage but not unusual. Your WS is history one way or the other. You need to put yourself at the top of your own list. And JFC that guy should have been emptying the damn washing machine all along. These entitled guys are the worst.

Big hugs. You can do this.

Are you sure you're not married to my ex? Your inlaws sound just like carbon my clones of my ex's parents!

Let him worry about what to tell his parents; in due time, they won't be your problem anymore. As for your own parents, unless you're worried about them spilling the beans to all and sundry, I would just be honest with them and ask them to keep the news under wraps. You're going to need as much support as you can get anyway.

Normally, if a WS is offering to move out, I would say take them up on it, but if it would cause you financial hardship then you're probably right to say no. Besides, I'm sure he would love to have his own bachelor pad for OW to visit instead of having to pay for hotels and incur parking tickets.

As for finding out her identity, would you be willing to hire a PI? Can you get access to any of his devices?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:04 AM, Friday, March 31st]

Thank you all, it helps to have people who understand and are on your side.

He seems to be accepting of the fact we're splitting. He's stopped suggesting we work it out. I don't know if he's bluffing and hoping that if he plays along I will change my mind but I won't. The reason I say that is that he's still doing odd things like the washing and he still thinks we don't have to sort out anything practical in a hurry...like living arrangements and finances etc. He also seemed a bit surprised I'd spoken to someone at a school I do cover for, he thought I'd just asked for more hours, he looked a bit surprised that I'd told them that we were separating.

On the one hand he is being totally reasonable. I know this can't be trusted at all and can change in an instant, especially when lawyers get involved. I've seen this happen with friends, one minute they're reasonable and the next they're refusing to pay the mortgage and taking you to court over the kids. He is still suggesting I stay in the house. I am not sure about that. I need to think about it. There are advantages and disadvantages and I don't think he has properly thought through the finances. If I stayed here it would be more stable for the children and it's a nice house in a nice area. But it is full of his stuff...and would it be harder to enforce the rule that he can't come in any more, like would the children understand that part.

So...he's been Mr Nice Guy EXCEPT when it comes to OW. He won't tell me anything about that at all, and gets very agitated if I ask. So I think it must either be the same person as before, or someone else who is married, or multiple people (dating site hook ups or escorts). I don't know which. It isn't a random single person who thinks it's a relationship because if it was he'd be free to see her whenever now and he hasn't. He hasn't gone to London or anywhere else overnight this week....the other thing I've noticed (and this is a repeat of last time) is that he is going to bed very late, like 2am. He does stay up till midnight often anyway but this is what he did before, messaging OW when spouses had given up and gone to bed. I think she is married. I went through his bags and there aren't any condoms so he isn't having safe sex which again fits with last time when his logic was that he didn't need to because she was married. I don't have access to his devices any more and I don't think it's worth hiring a PI. I might bluff and say I know she's married and watch his reaction.

His parents have said he can stay with them for a bit if needed - again why wouldn't you unless you need somewhere to take (married) OW. If she's single she must have her own place they could meet in.

Complete mind fuck honestly. It's 4 am here and I'm typing this. He had the nerve earlier to say my parents won't be stressed because I'm not stressed. I am very stressed!!!!

[This message edited by DebraVation at 4:17 AM, Friday, March 31st]

My XWH thought he could still get me to change my mind. He could get me a cute stuffed animal for my birthday (am I 12?) and I'd be willing to come back. Yes, he said he was trying to "woo" me.

Your STBXWH may think doing laundry is the way back to your heart.

Can you maybe sell the house and buy in the same area? That way your kids won’t be taken away from what they know and you’ll also feel like you have your own place where your WH cannot come in.

It may be an expensive exercise though, I don’t know where you are outside of London (I’m on the outskirts of London too) I assume that housing prices are high and you may lose a substantial amount of cash on stamp duty. Have you spoken to a divorce solicitor? you get some free time so worth doing that.

Yes it sounds like ow is married which is more for reason for you to get your popcorn out once he’s out of your life and wait till this blows up in his face. His parents are horrible, eww! I can’t believe they allowed first ow to be in their house and blamed you. Well, I guess now they’ll have to see their little precious son end up alone and deep down wonder if he is so precious after all…

DebraVation,

Initially you said the last affair was with a married friend and it ended when the BS found out. Is it possible to contact this BS and ask if he thinks the affair has started again?

I’m sorry you’re going through this again. You seem to have a good handle on the situation though.

Good luck to you.

Debra

Not that it matters but one thing that I noticed are that he says she’s single and that they meet at a hotel.
Now… why would a single woman splurge on a hotel if she has an empty apartment somewhere in the area?
Like I say – maybe this detail isn’t an issue, but something tells me she’s not as single as he says…

I know, I also think she's married. His story doesn't make any sense. I think he must think I'm stupid. I think I might throw in that I know she's married and see his reaction. He likes to be seen as the nice guy all the time but does these shitty things like they don't count if nobody knows. Ugh.

Initially you said the last affair was with a married friend and it ended when the BS found out. Is it possible to contact this BS and ask if he thinks the affair has started again?

I don't really want to contact OBS if I can help it, we started off being supportive of each other but it got a bit problematic as I was married to his worst enemy and vice versa. So he'd fire off nasty comments about my WH but if I did it about his wife he'd be defending her from me.

[This message edited by DebraVation at 6:00 PM, Friday, March 31st]

I told my dad this morning by phone and I am meeting both my parents for lunch today. They were already suspicious funnily enough.

WH has gone into blaming me mode. He has stopped all talk of sorting it out and now he 'wants out too'. Though he thinks there's no rush and we should do it slowly and right. I think this means I carry on doing everything for longer and he gets to sleep around. So that won't be happening.

He said I am cold and distant. I admit I probably am after DDay 1 and his rapid change back to his usual lazy self after a few months of winning me over.

He said I don't show love or affection to the kids and I am incapable of it. This is categorically untrue. I couldn't believe it. I am, and have always been, the kids main caregiver. He is such a shit.

He said he has been pushed into having an affair again by me. I said no, this is a longer pattern of behaviour. I reminded him that we did not used to be 'distant', we were very physical and affectionate. I reminded him that before we even got together, he was stringing me along, went off with someone else and then came back to flirting with me again. Even in the early days of our relationship when we were having LOTS of sex, he would regularly not come to bed with me and stay up watching porn instead. Then when we were dating, he went to Norway with work and found some girl there, I don't think they had sex but they were messaging each other afterwards - not even sexual just romantic crap. When we were dating, his mum tried to set him up with someone else right in front of my face.

So I told him this isn't something I have pushed you into, it's a pattern and it is who you are. He sat there in silence like he was trying to process it, like it's news to him.

Good for you, Debra!

So I told him this isn't something I have pushed you into, it's a pattern and it is who you are. He sat there in silence like he was trying to process it, like it's news to him.

Hopefully your WH will start to realize eventually that he does not see the huge log in his own eye. His behavior has been very normal to him still after 8 years after DD1. You said loud and firm NO to this man-child's actions and behavior and thought process. You brought him to the truth of his own reality. Tough to swallow, but so be it.

He has stopped all talk of sorting it out and now he 'wants out too'.

"Follow the leader", who is You! What else could he say to cover his inability to fix himself? Unhappiness is the wrong use of freedoms. He felt "free" following his addictions and desires. Result is he found himself by the rusted bucket. And his behavioral patterns will continue from relationship to relationship until the time something clicks, and he becomes self-aware.

I applaud you for staying strong and firm. Life lesson.

Healing to you, Debra!