SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi

This is my first post on here. I've found reading this forum really helpful and I hope some of you who are further down the line can offer some advice. (apologies if I don't use all the correct acronyms!)

I'm just 3 months on from DDay. My husbands' affair was emotional for about 4 months and then it turned physical for another 10 weeks before it ended. I won't go into details but there was some pretty horrendous gaslighting from WH to me going on for a lot of that time. We've been doing really well since then; WH is having weekly therapy, totally committed to the work, read the books, done everything 'right' etc. I thought I was doing okay and I was hopeful for a full reconciliation. Until now...

Just this week it's like I've entered a new phase and I'm just so f***ing angry! At him, at her, at myself. I don't know what to do with these feelings of rage, some of which feel a bit self-righteous. We've talked about it together, so he knows fully where I'm at emotionally. I just want to scream at him, but I know that would be really damaging and maybe even a bit abusive. I'm just so incredulous that he actually did those things!

My questions are: is this normal? Is it healthy? Will I ever be able to let go of the anger?

I really, truly want this reconciliation to work, but I feel a bit hopeless just now

Thanks in advance

I took my rage into the swimming pool so I could expend it safely there so as to be more constructive with my anger in my dealings with WH. Try and find an outlet for it, to expend it somewhat in exercise or whatever, or journalling. Don’t suppress it, whatever you do, that’s injurious to health and self. It’s your mind-body processing the information and kicks in more acutely after the initial protective numbing has worn off. Processing is good. Stifling is not. So find a way to release it safely. You could also vent in General forum here on SI. Swearing is good also, uses a different part of the brain and can be efficacious in healing, 😃. But getting fit as a by-product was the best way for me to deal with it. Gave me thinking time too.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. The Healing Library has a list of the acronyms we use. There are some pinned posts at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that are very helpful, too.

Yes, the anger is incredible. The emotional rollercoaster ride is real.

I used to sit in my car and scream until I couldn't talk, or sit on the porch and bowl with the dog.

Go to the gym, get a punching bag, go to the batting cages, walk, run, whatever helps.

I am currently 9 months out. The anger you're feeling is very normal. If you look up the steps of grief, we follow that closely. As it was explained to me by my therapist the anger stage will come and go. You go through shock and disbelief followed by anger, then complete sadness and sometimes back to anger. It's important to let yourself just feel it and let it flow out. Don't hold it in. You're right, raging at him isn't going to make it better and while it may give you a moment relief you won't feel better in the end for it. I found an outlet for it as many of us do. I am a weight lifter so I threw my focus into that. I also took up adult coloring books which actually helped a lot.

So sorry you are here.

I think I had a couple anger phases — first one was around that 3-4 month mark, right after being in shock for a few months. A much darker, more powerful anger phase kicked in about one year after discovery.

I leaned into it.

I think a number of counselors consider anger a secondary emotion (based first on sadness of fear, etc.) but it sure felt primary to me.

I processed it, and felt every bit of it.

I earned that anger.

My wife witnessed some of it — a couple outbursts, but never called her names — that wouldn’t have made anything better.

I took most of it out on a boxing speed bag and the bigger, more literal punching bag. I lifted weights, went on walks, rocked out with my angry rock music, I did yell at the heavens a time or two. I processed it all, felt it all and reflect on it now as a righteous response to the worst emotional trauma I have experienced in my 5.5 decades on the planet.

The hopeless part? That will get better when as you get your footing, and understand none of your WS’ horrible choices reflect on you or your value. Once your strength returns, you will be able to outline what you want and what you need if you continue to choose to stay.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 3:45 PM, Monday, March 27th]

It's SO normal. I'd be more worried about you if you weren't angry!

I dealt with my anger with music, mostly. I know every damn lyric to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" because I'd go for a drive, blast it on repeat, and scream along with it. I had a whole "Angry Stuff" playlist. (Well, it was a CD I burned off of Napster, because this was 19 years ago! )

I had friends who'd throw ice in the shower. There are axe-throwing places, and places where you can go to smash plates. Boxing classes.

Bataka therapy helped me, too. I learned it when a family member went to treatment several years ago. Here's how to do it if you're interested:

~ Hold a Nerf bat or a throw pillow with both hands.

~ Swing it back over your head so that the bat or pillow is touching your back.

~ Using every bit of anger and energy that you've got, swing the pillow and hit something that can take the force without damage, like a couch or bed.

~ While you're swinging the pillow, yell a curse word. Or yell out what you're angry about, saying one word with every hit.

Do it until you're spent. It's some powerful stuff, lemme tell you. Don't do it in front of kids or animals. It'll scare the shit out of them. Also, it's not meant to get rid of the anger, it's just a safe outlet for the feelings when they get overwhelming and you feel like you're going to explode.

Hang in there. Feelings are going to be huge and raw for a while, but it will get easier. I promise.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 6:08 PM, Monday, March 27th]

The RAGE STAGE. I went through a few of them.

I did a lot of (in no particular order):

Walking - long distance walking
Eliptical - I probably broke one at the gym from all the use
Crochet - you got to stab things with a hook and twist (plus my local cold weather shelter benefit from many goodies)
Target practice - I live in a suburb and come from a family of hunters. Chaos is a great shot
Breaking Stuff - Que up some Limp Bizkit and break stuff! I shattered a few coffee mugs in my bath tub but someone on SI had the genius idea to freeze water in paper plates then smash the ice in the driveway
Batting cages - I got pretty good
Screamed & Cried during long solo car trips
Cleaned - my tub and sink never shined so much
Cleaned out stuff - the basement storage area got a good refresh

And, because I'm Chaos, I put on my best sparkly undies and prettiest sparkly lipgloss while doing it all. Because that made me feel bad ass and powerful in and of itself :)

[This message edited by Revenger at 7:51 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

I've never understood why others get to cause so much damage to your life and the onus falls on you to "deal with it in a healthy way."

Because I have to live with myself and the consequences of my actions. I own my shit and I try to act with integrity, just like I expect my H to act with integrity in order to R. You can't be playing "tit for tat" and expect to rebuild a healthy marriage. You just can't.

I wasn't perfect. I could have destroyed a small village with all the F-bombs I dropped in the early days, and I kicked a hole in the wall in a fit of rage, but I didn't shit all over my husband while he was working hard to make amends to me because that's not who I am.

it obviously never made me feel very good

There ya go. That's why.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:33 PM, Monday, March 27th]

LI did a bunch of shit that felt good to me and I knew it felt shitty to him. We separated

Went on vacation alone
Brought another house
Brought a bad ass car
Indoor sky diving
Wineries
Was dressed to the 9's anyone saw me
Went to concerts, had dinner parties.

I chanelled my rage into pure SELFISHNESS. I did whatever I wanted and h and I enjoyed watching him watch me on my GLOW UP.

Fuck the high road...I took the Fuck you dude road. Lol.

And I felt wonderful doing it...him not so much.

Thank you all so, so much for your excellent advice and kind words. It's good to know the feelings of rage are perfectly natural and not to be supressed.

Thanks also for all the ideas of practical ways to express/deal with the anger - I will certainly be trying a few. I have already started listening to the angry music of my adolescence and finding Hole's 'Live though this' particularly cathartic!

Best wishes

Prissy, that all sounds like self-care to me!

Hole's 'Live though this'

Oooh, good stuff!

Totally normal. The shock has worn off. You're entering the anger phase. It will come and go.

Let it out. He needs to hear your true,raw emotions. He needs to hear the pain,the anger,and the good,when it comes.

Keeping the anger in is like poison. If you don't let it out,it will eat you alive.

Hi uncomfortablynumb,

Welcome to SI.

I think the anger stage is totally normal. Some people experience it differently. For me, it hit around 4-5 months post-D-day as I was starting to get my footing back, and starting to believe that R was a real possibility. I was really starting to process it all and it came in waves of white, hot, rage. It felt incandescent at times.

I actually didn't mind the anger. I was tired of feeling sad and vulnerable and hurt. The anger felt productive, it felt POWERFUL. It gave me a sense of control. It got me out of bed and out the door to the gym or the yoga studio or out for a walk. It allowed me to focus on taking care of me, my husband be damned. One evening, after thinking about 'opening up' our kitchen for years, I literally took a crowbar to the wall one night and knocked it down. Haha, the thought of my husband, who was already walking on eggshells, coming home and seeing a pile of lathe and plaster all over the place still makes me smile.

I think a part of me also wanted to test whether my husband was REALLY all in. Like, sure, you SAY you are willing to do ANYTHING to make this work but are you really? Are you prepared for this?

I do agree that especially if you intend to attempt to R, you have an obligation to at least TRY to be productive in your anger. There is a difference between expressing anger and hurt and continuously berating someone who is earnestly trying to make amends. I don't think anyone should expect perfection on this in the early days, however if the goal is to create a new marriage, you will need to have that in mind. What do you want your new marriage to look like? I disagree with any suggestion that your spouse's A gives you carte blanche to express rage in whatever manner you like. I was certainly not perfect, and I (rightfully) apologized when I crossed lines. The fact that you are already concerned about this suggests to me that you are properly attuned to the difference.

Good luck and keep posting.

I’m three years past DDay and we have reconciled. The anger still comes back but less destructive to my heart as the months progress. I have to give the anger and mind movies headspace when it comes and goes throughout the day. The headspace and time I give it helps me to affirm I’m still angry about being duped and gaslighted, but then I move on during the day, no longer feeling like I have to rush to my phone to look for online help from topics such as "why men cheat." I realize the anger that trickles in is an unwanted problem that my WH handed to me. To help me, I bury myself in my work, which I enjoy. I also secretly cuss him out, which is my anger release. Once in awhile, I bring up a dig such as , "oh, you’re shopping online? What are you sending to your GF?" The embarrassment I see on his face brings me some satisfaction. Not the healthiest suggestion, but it works for me right now.

[This message edited by Revenger at 7:51 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

Revenger..ignore the condescending remarks.

I did whatever I felt like doing, and my M is stronger every day.

That's what matters.

Some BS/WS need to act as if they are better than others. Maybe its how they cope?

It's ok to be angry with the person who betrayed you. It's ok to express that anger, even if they are trying to repair the damage. Their work doesn't make the BS any less betrayed,or in pain.

Also, dealing with a sex addict,and having had multiple ddays, is a lot more trauma than someone dealing with one affair,and one dday. You've been through a lot.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:47 AM, Tuesday, March 28th]

Double post

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:48 AM, Tuesday, March 28th]

I think that comments about not going too crazy on your WS is that we dont want you or anyone to have a domestic violence charge against them. There IS a limit. You can’t Lorena Bobbett…. But yell and scream? Yep. I did all the things the others did. One bad night (wine was involved) I lost it and actually threw a wine glass at home outside on the driveway. Yeah, that was not cool. I spent the next day getting up all the splinters so my animals didn’t walk through it. And yeah, I apologized.

So the rage is normal and no one should expect you to be cool and calm. Don’t go over the line too far. BUT GET IT OUT. .