SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MM, emotionally she is gone. The ONLY reason she is still there is because of fear of the unknown. Many bs stay for the same reason.
Please accept that if you were to reconcile you would never relax your guard.
If you divorce, and life does not work out the way she hoped, there is the possibility of her trying to restart your marriage.
My take on this is that Bigger is on the money about you making a decision. Dragging things out this way is going to impact your health. Soldiers and bs often develop ptsd from long term stress. Please look after yourself.
Your marriage, your decision, your future, your life.

@Bigger:

Please Madmax – you say this will end in divorce.

Doesn’t have to… if you still want to reconcile you possibly can.

You DO understand the abuse MadMax's WW is heaping upon our friend, right? Why anyone would be telling him that R is possible at this point is just beyond me.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:37 PM, Tuesday, May 16th]

Wontbefooledagai
Had you bothered to read my complete post you would have seen I’m not suggesting he reconcile, but rather that he take action. Be that to reconcile or be that to divorce. If anything then most of what I have suggested should aid him in divorce.

As-is Madmax has been telling us for quite some time he’s divorcing, yet he doesn’t act that way. He harbors hope of reconciling (as can both be see in the content of his posts, his inaction and his anger when the affair is ongoing). Having been on this site for quite some time it’s something I recognize and have seen so many times – where an angry husband states he will divorce but still hopes for some miracle and that they can reconcile. Too often this leads to inaction – as I fear will happen here.

You are both right. In the last two months after DDAY1 I was shocked and paralyzed even though my brain knew right away what to do. I knew I had to divorce, because (1) I wont able to forgive what she did to me (2) even if I tried, I did not want to be her prison guard in rest of my life. She proved she was capable of backstabbing me, betraying me whenever she felt right. My emotions and wounds did not and do not matter when it comes to her desires. This is not the relationship I want. I need love, respect and safety and intimacy. I realised I deserve better.

And yes I fear of what's coming. I fear of being alone and I fear of raising three girls alone. But after two months I slowly overcame my fears. I thank you giving me wonderful insights of this entire phenomena.

In addition to this, after DDAY1, she continued her affair, lied about it and I had to bust her two more times. This proves she does not have the slightest bit of remorse. She only regrets she was caught.

This affair showed me clearly that she has interest in another man. This alone is a reason for a divorce. The last incident with the phone messages revealed me that she was proactively looking for the attention of the AP while sitting with me on the couch in family circle. She knew I totally despised any contact with the AP, she even went to rename him to her best friend in her Contacts just to hide it. Another cheat, another lie happened just three days ago.

THAT WAS the last drop. I cannot trust this woman anymore.

I don't try anymore and I'm going to file, possibly on Friday.

[This message edited by madmax76 at 8:39 AM, Wednesday, May 17th]

There was a question on here about divorce, Do you regret divorcing?. Everyone said no. They do not regret it. I don’t think you will either.
You will mourn losing your dreams but you can find new ones. Life is too short to live with a cheating liar.

I Second Cooley2here, I have not lost a second of sleep for divorcing my adulterous ex-wife. I can look at myself in the mirror and see a man who does not put up with being betrayed and that man smiles at me.

The day I found out about her adultery, she was dead to me and I mourned the death of the woman I thought she was. I made a lot of wrong choices, but divorcing her adulterous backside cannot ever be counted as one of them.

Just a small note---
When I was going through round one of infidelity with my exwife, I floated in limbo for around 7 months trying to R.
In December, we had a family Christmas party (my side) that she refused to attend. --- at this point no one in my family knew yet, that was about to change 3 days later.

I heard her talking to her sister on the phone while she was in the bathroom putting on makeup., laughing, mocking my family, and joking about how she was going out.

I took the kids to the family party alone. When I came home and put the kids to bed, i sat in the bathroom and stared in the mirror.

There were no more tears. No more doubts and whatabouts and could have beens. There was a certain fatalism, and I realized, at that moment, I knew what I needed to do.

I took a selfie in the mirror at the moment I decided to have her served. Had to wait till the next day to talk to lawyer, but i have the moment enshrined in photo proof forever.

then I scorched earth her ass. Not perfectly, as some of the legends here have done, but so much better than waffling in pain.

[double post]

[This message edited by swoned at 10:58 PM, Wednesday, May 17th]

Yesterday I told her I'll see my lawyer this Friday about the terms of the divorce. In Hungary the agreement about the family / kids (custody, alimony and spouse support, right of contact) and decisions regarding to asset separation are totally separate suits. Spouse support will be zero by law in her case because of her infidelity.

She was a bit shocked, unprepared for this - seemed like she started to realize what is going to happen now. She could not say anything to any of the questions, not even was she able to at least voice her opinion about the principles of family separation.

She blamed me a bit that I seemed to be very well prepared for this... I told her she put me into this situation and I'll refuse to stay in a marriage where all I got is betrayal, infidelity and lies. I had enough, she had 2 months to reconsider. She decided to continue the affair...behind my back. All trust is gone. (I'd like to be honest here... after she told me on Monday that was done with her affair I offered her a 6 months MC... to prove that she at least tried... I asked about it now.. she told me :'I am not sure I want to use this opportunity ... I haven't decided it yet..." I said ok, no problem, then I will file. and then she got frozen... she did not think I would finally decide myself on this.)

Since she could not decide on any of the issues for family separation, nor we could have an adult, civil conversation about them, because she was basically silent during the entire conversation (as usual), she will get a draft of the lawsuit on Friday. I will give her one week to think about it and she may come back to me with a counter-offer. If she does not react, then I will file with my version and let the court decide on everything.. and the court will also study all the reasons, incl. the details of her adultery. I told her I would avoid this in her case, but it is her decision.

BTW regardless of what happened, I'd like give her a fair offer. My friends told me that I have to prepare for the worst...because she is proven liar and backstabber. Lets see what happens.

[This message edited by madmax76 at 10:42 AM, Thursday, May 18th]

Glad to see you taking action.

Your friends are correct. Be prepared for the worst from her. Always "Plan for the Worst Outcome, Hope for the Best Outcome" (comes from my many years in Risk Management).

Carry a Voice Activated Recorder on you, or turn on the recorder on your cell phone when you interact with her from now on. You do not want to have her get you arrested on Domestic Violence charges, or something similar. It could really hurt your case on child custody. (With respect to recording her, talk to your attorney. Hungary might have some laws against that).

Try to limit your interactions with her as much as possible to only talking about the children, finances, household maintenance, etc. Do not yell or anything like that. Try to limit as much as possible your brain's amygdala emotional responses, and only use your brain's neocortex rational responses. If she wants to talk about the divorce and what will happen, just tell her to have her attorney call your attorney.

Again, your friends are correct. She is a lying, deceitful person. She is now backed into a corner of a house she created and there is not much telling how she will fight back.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 12:22 PM, Thursday, May 18th]

Please remain calm around her at all times, she may tried to goad you into anger.

You're handling this very well, all things considered. What's your plan on informing the POSOM's spouse?

BTW regardless of what happened, I'd like give her a fair offer.

Madmax – divorce is something most of us have little experience with, but we have a picture in our mind on how it should go.
Divorce is mostly dictated by laws and regulations. We might think that since it was the wife that cheated then we deserve more of the house, or she doesn’t get the pension or whatever. However… even if your wife had sex with the whole national soccer team – physiotherapists and coach included – a judge might shake his head in disgust, but still give her the value of half the house. Simply because the laws are that way.

When your attorney says this is what she can expect, and this is what you can expect then that is probably "fair". Do your best to have your side of "fair" to your advantage. But the difference won’t be 5-10% in financial value, but rather you decide if you want to live in the house or it be sold, you decide if she get’s the blue car or the red one and so on.
It’s good to be fair – I always recommend we deal with issues with dignity and pride – but it’s better to have 6 out of 10 apples, and THEN having the option of handing one over.

yes, my friends told me that I started to speak in legal terminology that means I dived deep in the marital laws/regulations... I did not want it, but I was put into this situation.
In my country, the court does not care about the infidelity only in the case when the behaviour of the wayward spouse questions his /her fitness, personality and moral compass for raising children.
So, since there was no response to my final offer for 6 months MC, I visited the attorney today and we've created a draft of the separation lawsuit.
Child custody 50% (one week here, one week there), spouse support 0 (because of infidelity), alimony 0 (because we will be at 50% for children, we should be collecting / documenting costs regarding to children with monthly settlement.). I also offered a fair lump sump for her to leave the house (this is called cost of using the share of the house), until the agreement for the assets will have been settled. She will receive the official email on the draft lawsuit next week from the atttorney.
I will wait 30 days and then - if no reaction or counter-offer comes back- I will file officially with my version. Of course it would be way better if we could reach an agreement.

What I find very strange and disappointing is that she knew that I was going to visit the attorney today, but she did not approach me with anything yesterday that she wanted this or that, lets discuss her ideas and mine, lets communicate. Still nothing. She looked through me as if I were a ghost... She behaved as NOTHING happened. She may be denying this whole thing or she has other plans.

I'm sorry it's come to this for you MM.

There is a good chance she has her own plans, you'll find out soon enough.

What seems pretty certain is that she has lost all feeling for you and has emotionally moved on.

Super hurtful. Again, I am sorry. But you are doing the right thing for you by filing and getting out of this marriage.

Be prepared for her to suddenly start love bombing, and crying,saying she's so sorry, and wants to work on the marriage.

At this point, if she does that, you have to know it's only because she doesn't want to wind up with no money,and the kids half of the time. It has nothing to do with remorse,or love.

Did you discuss with your attorney the legality of having a recording device on you whenever you interact with her?

In the European Union, you cannot record legally without consent of all parties. However, you can use these recordings freely as evidence. It is up to the other party to start a litigation because of the recording. So you have to calculate the potential wins - losses whether to reveal the content of the recording or not. If - at the end of day - your gains by using the evidence might be bigger than the amount of fines you may have to pay, then it is rational to use it.

I personally did not regret to record the phone call of my wife, because it gave me a very important information / message of her true self. It revealed that she was a cold-hearted cheater behind my back and her relationship with the AP was way deeper than it was 'communicated'. I'm glad I recorded, even though it was brutal to listen to their chat. but maybe this pushed me to the final decision to stop thinking about R and go for D.
I always think about that I lost 2 months hesitating what to do. But now I think I had to try to save the marriage, I had to see that my wife did not do anything even though she knew she would lose me forever. She just did not care. That was the message and I finally understood.

What a brave person you are, she didn't deserve any time to prove you wrong but you gave it to her anyway. You can hold your head high knowing you've made the right decision, and just think that one day in the future you will be a happy, whole person again. Sending all the support in the world to you 🙌

Madmax – the reason it’s often recommended to have some form of recording device is the fear of a false domestic abuse claim.
Personally – I think that risk is overstated in most instances. BUT… keep in mind that if your wife were to call the police and claim you hit her or were threatening… chances are they would remove you from the home. Of course there would be some form of investigation, but she can bruise herself with a piece of soap in a sock or whatever and before you know a judge has decided you can’t be within 100 meters of her, or your house.
You don’t need evidence per se… But what you might need is some protection from her if she starts escalating. If she starts hurting herself or screaming or starting a fight… you want to have a recording of what’s going on as proof that you did not lay a hand on her or initiate any confrontation.

Madmax – right now, arguing with her is like arguing with a brick. It doesn’t do any good. If she were to come to you and ask you don’t divorce… altogether another situation. But while YOU are committed to D and she’s committed to her affair… try to live as peacefully and for as short as possible before a judge settles how you can leave – or get her out.