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Here I sit, crying again. I just cannot seem to stop. I thought I had made progress. Now I am here at work and the floodgates have opened once more. I was literally sitting here and suddenly overwhelming sadness and emotional pain just took over. I am alone. I am alone and miserable. My life has changed so much I don't recognize myself or my life. I am falling apart. I cannot seem to get my control back. I thought I was moving into the angry phase. Now I am back at the emotional stage feeling like I am drowning all over again but for some reason it is hitting even harder. It is so bad, all I can think about is that I cannot keep going on like this. I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I do not want to feel so utterly worthless and unhappy. I do not see an end to this. I have read and reread every word on here. I hear what everyone has to say. I know everyone has been through this and survived. But, I cannot find any light in this dark hole I am in. This pain is debilitating. It has sucked out my energy, my common sense and every ounce of happiness I have ever have. I hate waking up. I hate sleeping. I hate breathing. I just hate everything about myself and life at the moment. I am praying that by posting I can regain even the slightest bit of desire to try and make it through this. I am exhausted from this emotional pain. I find myself shutting myself away from everyone and everything more and more again. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. EVERYTHING reminds me I am alone.

I am so consumed with pain that he is having so much fun and doesn't miss me. I am consumed by the fact that he has gone on and I am frozen in a perpetual hell. When will this end? Will it end? I am not sure I can wait for this to get better. I cannot seem to deal with the everyday. All the things that I once was. I have surgery coming up and have no one to drive me there or take me home. The only friend I have left, cannot. I have no family. This is just another reminder that my life is miserable. I cannot find a ride to and from surgery but he is out socializing, partying, with friends every night. He DOES THIS ABSOLUTELY DESPICABLE THING TO ME and he is living large with no shortage of friends by his side and I cannot find a ride from the hospital!!! This is just typical of my worthless life. I lost every friend I had as they took his side somehow. That alone eats away at me. It has eaten away to my core. I was the one cheated on. I was the one unaware anything was wrong. I loved him. We seemed happy. We had a wonderful life. I was the one taken by surprise and had my heart literally ripped from my chest and thrown in the garbage and yet I am the one everyone has disowned. What is wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I so disposable? Why am I so unlovable? Tossed aside like garbage by everyone. Maybe the world would be better without me in it. Never waking up feels like the only way to stop this incessant hurt. I would do anything to make this pain stop.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say that will help at the moment. Time will make it better-so I am told. Well it has been 3 months and I feel just as bad now as I did that night I found out. I cannot even rationalize my pain any more and try to think with the slightest bit of logic. I am just all raw and exposed emotions at the moment, void of any and all rational thought.

Every unfinished project, every challenge around the house, every night of silence, every errand I must do alone, every nice day I am not enjoying the things we loved to do together.....they are all just constant reminders that I am completely, utterly alone with nothing to look forward to.

I just cannot seem to want to let him go either. I still want him to want to be with me. I still hope he will realize he loves me and want to come back. I keep looking for the texts that aren't coming. I just cannot accept that he doesn't want me. I cannot accept that he feels no remorse. I just cannot accept anything these days.

I know I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I feel pathetic. My life is pathetic. I am not sure I am worth saving. I certainly know, no one would miss me. I wouldn't even miss me.

You are not pathetic. You are understandably in a tremendous amount of pain. You did nothing to deserve this.

I wish I could sit with you and share your pain and comfort you.

(((((Devastated16)))))

I am saying this lovingly-Please get help. It may be time to get with your doctor and request medical leave from work and in-patient therapy. You are in a cycle you are unable to get out of your mind and I'm worried you will either lose your job/home or life. You need help to stop this cycle of comparing his life now to yours. I wish I could hug you.

((((Devastated)))
I don’t have any words I can think of except: If you were my friend, I would be by your side in an instant.
Please let your doctor know of these thoughts you are having. You are worthy and the world needs you, even it’s hard to realize it now.

Gently, crying at 3 months out is very likely to be healing. You put 6.5 years into the relationship. How can it be over in a second? It takes time to mourn the loss, and you need to feel the feelings that go with mourning. That is, feel the feels or stuff them into your body, where they will fester and grow. Crying now is the right choice.

I echo the advice to talk to your doc and to get help processing your feelings. You can survive and thrive, but you could use some support in remembering that. You're most definitely worthwhile. You're most definitely worth the effort.

What is the downside to postponing the surgery? For that matter, what's the downside of taking yourself to the hospital and taking yourself home? You're in a new world, free of a cheater. That's a win.

You're going through a hard time but it's just a time and another time can be different, can be better.

I know (believe me, I know) that doing anything in the throes of a depressive episode can be next to impossible but you need to get in counseling. You either don't have the tools to pull yourself out of this or you do but in your bleakness you're not able to use them or you're consciously or subconsciously not using them to punish yourself.

You can get free of or learn to deal with your grief, your intrusive thoughts, everything. But you need to take that step of getting help.

In the meantime, try to do at least one thing a day that makes you feel good or accomplished. If you're certain that nothing in the world could make you feel good or accomplished right now, do something that should.

You’ve been heard Devastated. I was like you— just a total mess. I got an anti-anxiety med which helped moderate those lows and into IC who understood trauma which helped a lot. But three months is really fresh. When I was upset that I wasn’t "over him" my therapist kept telling me that I was not slow or stuck, it just takes a lot of time. And I didn’t hit anger until 4-6 months, so it really doesn’t sound like you are stuck. You are just processing. And it is so much pain that you have to process it in waves. I promise it doesn’t last forever. It just kinda feels like it does.

I remember bursting into tears in the grocery store when I passed the bananas b/c my ex had a banana every day and I’m not a big fan, and I was crushed that I didn’t have to buy something I don’t even like. Crazy. I should have been happy to skip buying stupid bananas. Also, it did help for me to remove a lot of his stuff and re-arrange the furniture, buy new pillows, just make it more mine.

If your work is suffering, you might consider a medical leave of absence.(talk to your doctor). I actually was fired due to my poor performance, and that really did not make things better.

And I hear you on the driver to medical things. At the end of our false R a tree branch bashed in my two front teeth and my WS took me to the emergency dentist but I caught him on the phone with AP that night, so I had to call someone I was not close to for a ride to get a root canal a few days later. It felt humiliating to ask and I burst into tears just asking. You know what? Not only did she drive me there happily, she came over that afternoon with a bottle of wine to be with me. We are very close now. You may have friends out there that are waiting and willing to help. I also had to ask a friend’s husband to drive me to and from my colonoscopy and it make me mad. Sometimes we need to be vulnerable and reach out for help. I think there is a business idea in there— LOTS of us need rides to and from medical apportionments.

We have seen you here on this board— and we see you are STRONG. You are caring. You are kind. Take things one day at a time, one hour at a time. And we would miss you. You know how you care about people here at SI? You look forward to seeing what they post? That’s how people here feel about you. I PROMISE you make a bigger impact in this world than you know. Your pain is just lying to you.

Hang in there.

I’m so sorry you are so bereft. Whilst they are sometimes criticised, Kubler Ross’s stages of grief which are not consecutive but rather off and on, in and out, seem useful to remember here. Perhaps your pain feels deeper because your initial more numb response has worn off or perhaps your processing is reaching into deeper parts of you. Whatever. It’s all useful processing and three months in it all seems a quite a normal response to loss, of both a life companion and all your hopes and dreams. Don’t judge your progress by the severity of pain. That severity sounds like the procession of healing. I hope you can carve out islands of relief and purpose each day. Keep venting and posting here. It will get better.

Oh Devastated.
I can so relate. I know A LOT of us here can!!
Looking back to those days - I was paralyzed with anguish, fear, pain, I literally thought I could "feel" my heart breaking. After Dday #1 my WH and I separated like that day. He moved out to his mom’s and I stayed in our home. I know how debilitating that pain can be! my WH was acting like a single man with a GF (his AP) and I was thinking about suicide, I couldn’t eat or sleep - I couldn’t get out of bed - AND I had an 11 yr old son who needed me, needed at LEAST one stable parent to be there for him as his whole world (OUR whole world) was blowing up all around us. Thinking about those days - that was 11 yrs ago - I STILL feel so sad that I was reduced to that state, that his affair made me feel so worthless, that it made me feel like I didn’t want to live anymore. I was ALONE in a new state. I had no friends - the family that was near us was HIS family. He had HIS friends. My whole family network was 3000 miles away. I felt so so soo alone. Please check in with your dr and let them know what you are going through. I had to get on anxiety meds. I lost 20lbs in a few short weeks. I would see couples and hate them - HATE them because of what I had lost in my life. It took such a long, long time to feel like "me" again. I got into IC right away - like the next day after I found out about the affair. I journaled every single day - multiple times a day. To get all those raw emotions out. I STILL journal. I still need to get those feelings out - otherwise they will just eat at me from the inside out. Sweet lady, you need to talk to someone - please do this for yourself. It’s not weak - it is the bravest thing you can do for yourself, for your life. Ask for help. Put off surgery if you can until you are in a better mind set. But do seek help so you can start to put your life back together. You are HEARD!! I know how hard that is - when you need someone and Iyou have only the 4 walls of your room staring back at you. That can seem overwhelming and make you feel like you just want to give up. YOU ARE WORTHY. The world needs you. Keep posting here and venting - we HEAR you and we care about you! ((((Sending hugs)))))
BB

You are not pathetic, you are suffering. Your ex and your friends? They fit the loser bill.

You can't rebuild your life and be happy in a day, but you can do something to move you forward. Trust me, so many of us, myself included, have known the dark depths of despair. And years later, it still visits, but there are large swaths of life that are neutral and good.

Do one thing to get out of the awful darkness. Post here. Journal. Go for a walk. Set up an appointment for IC. Read a book about rebuilding. Call your doctor to discuss anti-anxiety/depression pills. Interact with someone at work that seems ok or nice. One thing at a time, one minute/hour/day at a time.

It's normal to be upset when rotten things happen.

BlackBird25

I would see couples and hate them - HATE them because of what I had lost in my life.

This I can relate to. I fall apart grocery shopping when I see couples. I am beyond overwhelmed from the cashiers who were used to seeing us shop together ask where he is. I am petrified of running into the two of them at my favourite restaurant or at the mall. I want to hibernate from the world so I don't have to face it alone. I feel like I have a sign everyone can see that reads "dumped- just wasn't good enough".

I think I am a kind, good person. I know that I was always loving, supportive and the first to compromise if the need arose. We didn't fight or argue. We texted throughout the day and always laughed and joked around. How could I be so blind? How could I not see the signs? How was he able to act so loving towards me while sexting and professing feelings for her? Why was I so disposable but not her? How could anyone hurt someone so much and while I lay crumpled in a sobbing heap, shaking uncontrollably on a floor go off and spent the night with the AP? How could they laugh at my loss and revel in her gain? How could every one of his friends support him and disengage from me? Why are people saying I drove him to it? How come I am now labelled the bit**? His new found happiness is eating away at my soul. It is absolutely incapacitating me. Why did this happen to me? Why do I deserve this pain? why isn't he hurting even a little? HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO SELFISH AND CRUEL AND YET HERE THEY ARE, THEY ARE HAPPY AND HAVING FUN? HOW IS ANY OF THIS FAIR? How do you walk with your head held high when everyone knows you couldn't even keep your man happy? Why can't I stop thinking about him, missing him and wanting him back when I know he hasn't given me a thought? Why am I so weak and he so smug? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? I am drowning a very slow painful death with all the unknowns. I am in so much emotional pain, my body physically aches. I am no longer a person. I am just taking up space. I honestly don't think anyone would notice if I no longer existed. I could fade to nothingness and who would care? I need him to hurt. i need him to suffer. i need him to regret what he did. I need him to be in pain. But I know, it isn't going to happen. For some reason it seems like my fate to suffer this unbearable pain while he moves on to a new life.

I know my situation is no worse than anyone else on here. I know people have survived and bounced back. I know people have found happiness again. I just cannot convince myself it will happen for me as well. I just cant trust that I will come out of this some day and actually not feel this immense torment. I am trying. I am. I have seen the doctor. I make use of the crisis line. I am on a list for IC. However, they all will require time off of work and I need my job. I am drowning financially thanks to him. His cruelty has destroyed me emotionally, physically, financially, socially and taken every bit of confidence and self respect I ever had. One man........one man I loved managed to completely and totally destroy my life.............and I still don't hate him. There is something so wrong with me.

These posts and other's stories are the only lifeline I have at the moment. I am hanging on for dear life to them.

I am so sorry for your continued pain.

Please consider professional support at this time. Grief counseling may be needed.

You would be surprised at how having someone to talk to in real life can change things for you.

The first 3 months I remember being a zombie.

What breaks my heart is how your "friends" have abandoned you. I just could never understand that behavior. You need to recover from your surgery and move forward with your life and getting yourself healed - both physically and emotionally.

3 months is really early days.

I can relate so much to your words- I felt them too. At the time there seemed to be no end to them. I kept waiting to feel better and I didn’t. It’s just so very, very hard. It is truly hell on Earth. I personally will never forget it.

I never believed SI folks when they told me it gets better, but it does. It takes time.

I was spiralling down. I resisted medication- anti-d’s- but in the end I had no choice because I knew I was spiralling down. Please see a doctor, it’s hard to take that step I know, but it was the best thing I ever did. If you reach out for help you are looking after yourself. You don’t have to agree to meds but talking it through is you looking after you.

When I read your posts it takes me right back to where I was a year ago. Grieving. In shock. Didn’t want to wake up in the mornings. Couldn't face anything. Nothing made me feel even slightly better. I compared myself to the OW all the time and imagined them together while I was suffering.

He left me while we were trying for a baby and got her pregnant a few months later. I’m in my late 40’s and it was my last chance. We were together for years. I never thought I would get through it but I did. You will too.

In time you will start to see him for what he truly is and then the healing will begin.

Tears are healing. Your mind is adjusting to him going. You ARE making progress. You healing is coming devastated.

A year ago I didn’t want to be here most of the time. I never believed I would be happy again, but I am.

Journal. Write it out, every angry word! I wrote mine in a journal and never re read it but I let it all out! I said everything I needed to say.

Please keep posting. We are here for you.

Thinking about you, Devastated. I hope you're doing well and you're starting to see things in a new light. If not, give it time. Your life will change and things will get better with time.

Please look at this as a very bad injury. Would you mourn him if he shot you and it took months in the hospital? Well he did. He wounded your heart, your hopes and dreams, your soul. Do not mourn a person who has injured you.
There have been trillions of people on this planet and yet you are so unique there has only been one of you.
Do you think you need in house treatment? If you do please ask for it. We want you back here after a while to help others get through this. In the meantime if you need to come here several times a day, do it. This group is so powerful that the members have helped thousands of betrayed people just like you.
Right now give yourself permission to grieve and then get angry. Part of healing is wanting revenge and realizing it will not help. At some point you will heal. Don’t try to rush it. Remember you own your happiness and you will eventually find it.

Thank you for the kind words everyone.

I have considered in house treatment. However, I need my job and I have lost a lot of time already thanks to that lying, deceitful cheater! I cannot even find a counsellor that works outside my work hours. For now, i rely a lot on the crisis line especially at night when I am usually at my lowest.

I hate weekends. The perpetual loneliness and the absence of all the things we use to do together is just overwhelming. Knowing he is out and about having fun is just constantly in the forefront of my mind. It eats away at me every second of everyday.

I am trying to do things. Trying to stay busy but am not having much success. It seems everything reminds me of him or him and I. I still find myself crying constantly. I prefer the moments I feel stoic void of life. It hurts less. Days have become weeks, weeks have become months and so much time passes. I get angry as it is time I will never get back and yet I cannot will myself to move on. There is no revenge nor karma that could cause him the pain he has inflicted on me. It doesn't matter. He is enjoying his life and has not once been upset about being kicked out. He has no regrets. He actually has stated he is glad I found out. He thinks he always wanted me to find out so he could just be free. Yet, I had no idea anything was wrong. I keep going over and over everything wondering how I could not see he was unhappy. His own family had no idea either. He gets the Oscar for pretending to be happy while practicing his betrayal.

I want to hate him. I want to hurt him. I want them both to suffer intense pain! I want their lives to completely fall apart. I want every ounce of happiness and smug joy to be gone from their lives forever! I never knew I could want anyone to suffer the way I want them to. Even the thoughts of revenge don't help with the despair I still feel. This emotional pain just seems endless.

I will admit. I cry a little less than I did a month ago. That is progress. I joined meetup but haven't been able to force myself to follow through and get out. I try to push myself, but it isn't happening. Maybe one day.

For now, I work, I cry and I toss and turn. I get up the next day and I repeat. I will keep reading posts. I will continue to search for those words from people on here that have an impact. I will try and believe that this has to get better.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 9:04 PM, Monday, May 1st]

I remember hating weekends too. I dreaded them and was consumed with thoughts of them together. I was surrounded by triggers and everything reminded me of him. Reading your words I can really remember that pain I was in. I am so sorry that you are going through it. At the time I also felt like I was wasting time (previous years of my life) missing him.

In reality the raw pain wasn’t years. It was months. The triggers and reminders start to fade sooner than you think they will. Humans are designed to survive and you will survive and come out stronger!

The pain wasn’t wasted because in that pain I discovered a strength that I never knew I had. Because it took all of my strength to get through what I did, to survive one day at a time. I still feel that strength in me now, it will never leave me. I am a more compassionate and empathic person because I have been through hell and survived. I know my strength now and you are also strong. You support others despite your own pain, you are amazing! I admire your strength in this situation devastated.

The fact that he said he was glad you found out shows what a POS he is!!!! And he IS a POS! I promise you that very soon you will start to see this even more clearly. It sounds like you are already.

One day very soon you will be glad he is gone, I know that is hard to believe right now but it is true. Distance can make us see that some partners are very destructive and toxic people that create havoc in our lives. You are moving away from that. It’s painful I know but you are moving towards freedom and away from a cruel person. Remember that.

Great news that you are still phoning the helplines. I called them for months. It’s all healing and one day you will support someone because you will remember the strength it took you to ask for help.

Keep going devastated! You are doing so well and we are here for you, every step of the way. X

I am so sorry for the grief and rage you are feeling, Devastated. I spent many an hour lying in a heap on our bathroom floor keening. Knew that keening was a thing before my WH affairs, but never understood how a person could involuntarily make such weird and loud and sad sounds until DDay. I felt positively unhinged.

I know you said money is tight and you're on a list for IC. In the meantime, one of the best things you can do for your mental and physical health is EXERCISE. You don't have to spend money at a gym or for a spendy yoga class. There are TONS of yoga classes on YouTube, lasting anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour. There are also meditation sessions.

Go for a walk around the block. Anytime you feel like you just want to melt into the couch and disappear, take a walk around the block. If you're close to something more wild (forest trails, river walks), even better.

Anytime you want to punch him in his smirking face, do some pushups (I do incline pushups on the back of my couch.)

Not too long after one of the later DDays, I was taking a yoga class and doing Meditation Mondays (both either free or ridiculously cheap through my work). I often leaked tears uncontrollably, because I hurt so bad inside, doing something GOOD for myself just released emotions that I couldn't express or even pinpoint. It was cleansing, and no one batted an eye.

Everything you're feeling is 100% valid and we allllll understand. Allow yourself to feel it, then turn it into healthful change for you.

Devistated - I wanted to respond to your post ages ago and just didn't have the time to do it the way I wanted to. Partly because I felt like so much of what you wrote was me in 2018. My username explains it all - I had never felt so lonely in my life, so disappointed in the outcome, so totally confused about what to do next. Confused does not adequately explain how I felt - I used to get off work after pushing myself through the day - barely - and normally not without at least 2 "breaks" which consisted of my getting in my car and driving several blocks away into a residential neighborhood where I would be less likely to see anyone I knew from work and screaming, yelling, crying to my non-present WH, like he was there listening to me, but he wasn't. He had zero interest in hearing what I had to say (my situation was different in that my WH did not leave - he just continued the A underground for another year - but he was checked out completely 90% of the time and the other 10% was just a big mind-_____). I had started a new job I was ruining horribly - a "dream" job I had been trying to get for years - and I didn't care about it. I honestly had to convince myself not to just pass the exit to our house and keep driving away from it all until I ran out of gas. I actually fantasized/had nightmares about just getting in my car and driving until the money ran out to nowhere in particular and wondering where I would end up, and if anyone would care - if he would care (not really then was the answer - now is different).

I recall reading people. like me - 5+ years out of d-day and thinking "good for them but that won't be me...it can't be me...this will never end..." I found myself passing over what people that far out wrote because it seemed impossible - I wouldn't have that afterwards - I was different - more broken - more destroyed - they were stronger and I was so weak...

The biggest things to help me get past that (I did - I really did) was: 1) IC, and 2) time (and of course this board but that for me goes without saying). I could not (and still can't darn it) control time, so I focused on IC for a bit. I needed it. I also found a BAN group in my area and went a few times. It was nice to see people in real life struggling like I was - the collective misery and success made me feel better for sure.

I wanted to reach out and see how you are doing - if you have anyone to talk to in real life (I felt like I did not and withheld talking to anyone save one person for a long long time). Do you have someone you can turn to, who you trust, who knows your value and can reassure you of it? If you do reach out to them. If you don't reach out to us here. I made a few wonderful friends from this board - people who can relate are so helpful at this time.

ThisIsSoLonely-Thank you. Sadly I do not have anyone to reach out to. I have one gf left and she just doesn't understand why I am still crying. She just tells me to move on. She is just done with my tears. I lost all of my friends that were "our friends". Guess they were never my friends...another shocking discovery. He cheats and I am the bad guy. He cheats and my life is destroyed and everyone feels sorry for him. I had no idea he was unhappy. no idea he could ever cheat. I had no idea after his happened that My so-called friends would turn on me. I had so many "I had no ideas".

I spent last four days crying uncontrollably again. The warm weather is here and riding season has begun. I call it mating season as it is the time of year all the single riders hook up at all the bike nights. I know what he is doing. It drives me insane. he is out every night and all weekend socializing, drinking, partying, laughing, having fun and hooking up. I am home crying...and crying...and crying...and wishing I could escape life.

I am back to the mind movies, the tears, the shakes and not sleeping. It is like DD all over again. The depth of the hurt and despair seems like it is deepening not getting better. I am just lost. I am just lost in a world of pain...still. This hurt is endless.