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I have long since suspected my husband of cheating on me with a co-worker who is also married. I have seen some very inappropriate texts, like kissing emojis back and forth between them, and a few others as well, but nothing concrete. I confronted him twice and he denied it both times. He said there was no way he would with her and both times blamed her for the texts that were sent. I don't check his phone often, because he hardly ever puts it down, except for occasionally when he is in the shower. He deletes many of their conversations. For a long time, I stopped looking because there wasn't anything accept work-related text messages. The last time I looked it at, there was no record of any text messages from her, so he had deleted the conversation again.

Fast forward to April 15th, 2023. My 17 year-old daughter comes to me late at night, after my husband went to bed. She said, "mom, I need to tell you something. I'm pretty sure dad is being unfaithful." She was in the car with my husband and he was texting a woman (while driving) off and on for an entire hour. She saw bits and pieces...heart emojis back and forth and a few other things that she knew wasn't right and the person wasn't me. She saw the name "Wilson" listed as the contact.

Of course, I check his phone and there is a contact named "Wilson" - no first name. On his fb friend list there is only one person and it's a woman. Looking at her profile, she works in the same surgery department where he does surgeries 1-2 days a week. Spokeo (website) confirmed that it was this woman who is his contact.

Our family uses the Life 360 app but my husband won't leave it turned on. He says he is paranoid about being followed because of all the apps that pop up with notifications based on your location . 🙄

We have 2 homes - one has been on the market for sale by pan for 18 months. He will go there occasionally to spend the night because we were robbed on several occasions. He tells me he only goes so that there is presence there occasionally. We have a security system which has helped me uncover his lies.

I have started tracking his activity at that house, his texts to me telling me what he is doing, and his phone calls on the AT&T app, and it's unbelievable. I think he gets together with her most days of the week and he calls her every day, at least once. Sometimes he calls her when I am home. Thanks to the Spokeo app...I know where she lives, and I do believe they go to her place a majority of the time, if not all the time.

Right now I am continuing to document all of these things and play it cool because my daughter will be graduating high school later this month, and I don't want to take away from this special time in her life.

I would like to hire a private investigator to get some photo proof. My question is, if they keep going to her place, do I just show up there one day when he's there? What would you do? If I don't actually catch him in a situation like that, he will lie. It has to be where his "hand is caught in the candy jar."

What is so disgusting about all of this is that we have been married for nearly 20 years. I am 45 and he is 46. This chick is 29. Just turned 30. So she was 10 when we got married. She has 2 kids from previous relationships that are younger than mine. Are they doing this with her kids in the house? It's a tiny house. He is also a Sunday School teacher and deacon at our church, where everything thinks he is a loving devoted husband. The whole thing makes me so sick. It's not easy pretending that I don't know.

Advice appreciated.

Hello,

Sorry that you had to be here.

I would advice you to buy VARs and place them in your bedroom and in his car. If he is talking to her then that conversation will be recorded. You might find conrete evidence.

You will receive many great advices from people here. So, stick around.

So sorry you are now a member of this club no one wants to join.

Kudos to you for documenting everything. If you have access to phone records, keep copies. Copy/photograph everything you can get your hands on.

The best way to end an affair is to shine the light on it, when you confront your husband never, ever, ever reveal your sources. Ever.

My husband had the OW's husband's name in his contacts.

I'd also expose him to your church, do you have a pastor that you can discuss this with?

Is the alarm at your second home include video evidence?

Can you access the text messages through your phone provider?

Please do not show up at her place, she might be bunny boiler cray cray. Hiring an investigator is a good idea if you want indisuputable proof.

Be aware that cheaters will lie and deny even when presented with hard evidence. He will blame you, blame her, rewrite history, claim he hasn't been happy for a long time, blah, blah, blah. Don't buy it and never believe a word out of his mouth after you confront him.

Yes you could go over, or maybe it would be safer to confront him one night when he's at your other property.

If you can't wait that long, you just say - "I know you are having an affair, I know how long it's been going on, and I know who it is with". Just repeat that in response to any denials. If he lies, just one word in response "Lies".

You don't need photo proof - you already know, he already knows.

Any idea what you want to do afterwards? His denials will continue - once you nail him with the facts, he will deny that this meant anything, deny that they exchanged "I love you"s, deny that they had unprotected sex (which would expose you to disease).

Use the fact that he carelessly exposed your daughter to this as fuel for anger. See a lawyer, get some paperwork ready. Sometimes this will sober them up, and if it doesn't, it's the right thing to do.

i am sorry you have to be here. I think it is a good idea to hire a PI to get evidence of him at her house. If she is married and has the gull to have an affair in front of her kids the evidence may help the husband if there is a divorce. Do not go and try to bust them yourself.

Please see a lawyer regarding your rights ect. I would use this time to write out what you need from him in order to continue in the marriage-such as no contact, new job, apoligise to you and your daughter and maybe step down as deacon.

[This message edited by Prettyflawed at 10:34 PM, Tuesday, May 2nd]

Welcome to the club that none of us signed up for. I am sorry

You mentioned that OW/AP is married.

Most members here (myself included) will suggest that you find a way to inform the OBS.

It's a big step, but most here are glad they did it, for those that did.

I think it's best that you do this before you confront your cheating spouse...Otherwise you cheating husband will warn the other party, and all evidence will be lost---- the OBS will be stuck in a limbo without any way of proving what has happened.... you will be framed as a crazy stalker.

You'll need to provide compelling if not irrefutable evidence of the betrayal, and I reccommend you be as compassionate, empathetic, and kind as possible.

The enemy of your enemy is your friend. You'll find no greater ally in blowing up an affair and ruining it's excitement than the OBS... This is true no matter if you are trying to R or decide you'll need to D.

They will very likely be able to provide answers to gaps your BH will not provide.

[This message edited by swoned at 11:11 PM, Tuesday, May 2nd]

And just to add---

Understand that if you decided to tell OBS (covertly if possible) please be patient with their initial reaction. They are discovering/confirming the trauma they'll need to deal with, and they may refuse to talk to you, accuse you of lying, they may act irrationally, or impulsively.. But almost always, they will seek you out for additional understanding and become an unforseen friend, and ally.

BrokenWV5

In general--- many of us make the mistake of doing a soft confrontations.
"I'm worried that you've been acting differenty, is there another woman?"
This is almost exclsuively a disasterous idea.

the next group of us:
"I know you're having an affair, and here is my proof" (hands over a single screenshot with innapropriate content"
This is better but typically results in months of trickle truth, half truths, rug sweeping, blameshifting and gas lighting.

There are a few here, that bided their time. They never lwet on that they knew what was going on. They maintained their composure. They coordinated with the other betrayed spouse.

And once they had determined what they wanted, what they needed, what was required, THEN they went full blitzkrieg scorched earth shock and awe. Binders of evidence, irrefutable damning proof, OBS knows, and is doing the same in their marriage, Family informed, pastor informed, HR informed, complete and utter anhilation of the affair and or marriage. and either a Nuclear and fast D, or a clear and well planned list of requirements for R.

This last group are absolute legends in SI, and most often the most successful in reconciliation or the most quick to recover during D. (it's also the hardest, i should add.

Please make sure you are taking care of yourself. Please make sure to eat, sleep, take up some healthy distractions. I neg you not to make the mistakes I did and try drinking your pain away. It won't help.

Do you want to reconcile with this guy? Is your state a no-fault state? If you just want a divorce or if finding concrete evidence of infidelity won't give you leverage in the divorce, you don't need hard evidence. Wait until the time is right vis-à-vis your daughter, then have him served. Maybe at his APs house.

Cheaters rarely change, and if they do, it's only after months, sometimes years, of lying, trickle truth, gaslighting, blame-shifting, empty promises, further affairs, verbal and sometimes physical assault.

The fact that he is exposing his daughter to his cheating is despicable. Your poor girl, having to tell you that. My WH put my daughter in the same position.

Take care of yourself, get your ducks in a row, talk to a lawyer.

(I personally can't imagine being able to keep that knowledge to myself like you have, so wow, big respect for your discretion! I'm just too emotive! My WH knows when I'm pissed, even with his head firmly up his ass, no matter how much I try to hide it!)

I am so sorry that you have been going through this alone. Keeping it all inside and going through all these frustrations and heartaches and knowing your life is never going to be the same. Bringing your daughter into it and so cavalier about texting his AP.... I am so sorry that your husband is someone who would do this to you, and long term. Gentle hug.

I do not know by what strength within that you have managed to be silent and watchful and gathering intel. What I can determine is that level of self control is amazing, and it is what will help get you through all of this, one way or another. But, it's also ok to let your guard down to let out some of that inner turmoil. Find ways you can do this which are not self-harmful. ♥

If you wish to wait one more month, then do so. In the meantime, meet with a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. Know your finances, make sure he can't drain accounts. Don't leave the marital home. Just do it by the book. I would approach him with both the divorce papers and evidence of the affair, with who and how long and not permit him opportunity to gaslight further. In no uncertain terms, and looking him in the eye, let him know that his lies are further disrespect towards you and there is no need for them now. You know what is happening and his denial and lies are transparent and incredibly cruel. Is this who he wants to be, a mental abuser? If he is unable to give you honesty or answers without downplaying, blame shifting and lack of accountability, then you will have to understand this is the person he is and nothing you do on your end will change that.

If you want to go remain in the relationship knowing he is not committed to you, go scorched earth or bow out quietly is entirely up to you. You will have support with any choice, but please consider your mental welfare and take care of yourself. If not for yourself, then for your daughter. Show her what she is worth because she came from a woman who knows her own worth. ♥♥♥

BrokenWV
Hugs to you.
Very sorry for all that you are going through. It’s traumatic and devastating.
Definitely see a lawyer and heed his/her advice.
I agree with those who recommend you reach out to the OBS. When affairs come to light, they tend to die pretty quickly. And when OBS knows about it, chance of relapse decreases.
Also take good care of yourself. Get counseling if you can. Talking helps a lot. And if you have a good friend you can trust, talk to her as well. You are under a tremendous amount of stress right now so you will need some healthy outlets.
Wishing you the best.

Please, see a lawyer who has, on his payroll, a financial detective, because your husband, being a surgeon, has made a good bit of money, and I’m not sure you know where all of it is. It might be that you will have to get a court order to have his money frozen until you can find out exactly where it’s going. The fact that your husband is playing mind games with you tells me he’s trying to save up and hide money, otherwise he would have left you because he is completely involved with that woman. It is time to get mean. Do not tell him what you are doing.

So sorry you're here. I'm BH w 1 daughter (17) home and experiencing similar timing and situation with her graduating from highschool this month. just want to let you know that you are not alone. and this is not your fault. the cheater is 100pct responsible for their choices.

I hear you - prom, grad, senior events, beach ... makes it really tough timing to add this PATHETIC family drama.

open to any ideas and fwiw am trying to focus on;

- taking the high road.
home talk is about the kid graduating, next steps.

- inviting her to some of the new things I'm focusing on for myself (yoga, acupuncture)

- explore/trying new recipes together. we're a food family. Thai food isn't easy but some of it's turning out pretty good :)

it's also a great way to get some alone time to get the emotions out, by sending her out to pick up one random ingredient for one of the new recipes.:)

you will survive this.

Sorry this has happened to you and a 20 year marriage. Fortunately, you’re young, your kids are older and, worst case scenario, can embark on an entirely new life if necessary.

Unless you’re in an At Fault state/region, you don’t need concrete evidence of cheating. You only need enough for you to confront with confidence. If you’re convinced he’s cheating, your kids are convinced, and he’s still in denial, he’s not ready for reconciliation and you can proceed with divorce with the evidence you already have.

I would continue doing the excellent due diligence you have already executed. I would continue to get your ducks, firmly, in a row before confronting. This will keep you well paced one-two steps ahead of him, setting him off balance, getting you off on the best start with the most confident footing possible going forward. Premature, unguided, unprepared, and soft confrontations should be avoided. You want to go into the confrontation with strength, confidence and self determination. Your efforts will help preserve your dignity, your focus and help avoid gas lighting, minimizing, lies, and the many forms of manipulation you will be exposed to.

Discretion. Be discreet, play coy as to your body of knowledge and your sources of that knowledge. Play like you know more than you actually do. Ask open ended questions and let him fill in the blanks.

Lawyer: consult an attorney to see what your options are. This will give you knowledge based confidence. Fear of the unknown, uncertainty, can paralyze a BS from making timely definitive decisions. Tell your WS that you have consulted an attorney so that he understands the gravity of the situation and that you’re not messing around.

Sounds like your husband is being very sloppy with his Op Sec. A PI should have no problems getting you results.

Continue to maintain your composure as you have very well done, total badass actually, and continue to maintain your composure right through and beyond confrontation. Then, when you’re off stage, you can break shit and burn effigies. Let him see a strong, dignified woman who doesn’t put up with disrespect or bullshit. Channel Faye Dunaway’s Joan Crawford -"Don’t F… with me fellas!"

Your daughter is watching. Be a good example for her. Show her how a strong woman handles a crisis. Conduct yourself how you’d like her to conduct herself if she ever finds herself in a similar situation.

Speaking of channeling, channel your anger. You’re naturally pissed-use it. Use the adrenaline that’s currently flowing through you to get shit done, to protect you, protect your kids, your welfare and interests.

Check out the Tactical Primer located in the Healing Library.

Rally your support group. Closest friends and family.

Inform your boss. Your career will take a hit as you struggle with this, unless you’re one of those bury yourself in work types.

Check for STDs, talk to your Doctor, maintain health, protein shakes, etc

And, stick with us. You’re going to get a lot of advice, with some variation, some might be hard to hear-tough loving, but all well intended. TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND DISCARD THE REST.

Take Care

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:21 AM, Wednesday, May 3rd]

I would suggest before you do anything to get yourself a good divorce lawyer. Do this first.

Follow the directions of the lawyer with respect to confronting... when, where, how, etc. You do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your rights in a divorce, or sway a judge to say your actions were unreasonable. Just follow what a very experienced divorce lawyer tells you to do.

An experienced divorce lawyer will probably know one or more good private investigators who can gather the necessary evidence that the courts might need in your state. I did read where West Virginia is both a no-fault and a fault divorce state. Your lawyer will know best which type suits your needs and wants, and what should be done in both circumstances.

You have a tough road ahead of you, but you will come out healed on the other side.

Good luck to you.

A few pointers:

First of all – you know. It’s going on. Cold but true fact is that waiting 1-2 weeks to confront won’t be the break-or-make issue, but it can be the key-factor to how this goes. So my first suggestion would be to pretend nothing’s going on and do some preparation.

Second: You mention your state in your profile, and it’s one of very few where infidelity does factor in divorce and support.
I’m not saying this will or needs to end in divorce, but it would be foolish to not realize it MIGHT end that way. Look at the following advice as if you are putting on your seat-belt when you start your car – you do it as a precaution and not because you plan on driving into a wall.
So… Get legal advice. Understand what level of proof you need if this goes to divorce. You already know a lot, and it could be relatively easy to get what’s needed. Like next time he’s staying at the other house have a confidant or a PI (if needed) that can photograph his (and possibly her) arrival.
His actions in texting with your daughter in the car indicate he’s clueless and it should be easy to get the evidence at the level the judicial system might require for work.

Third: Despite what I shared above about LEGAL evidence for the possible divorce then remember that your marriage is not a court of law. You can confront him with the simple statement "I KNOW YOU ARE CHEATING" and you don’t have to prove anything. You don’t need glossy photos, dna, dirty sheets… So if you don’t want to use the infidelity in a possible divorce, or your attorney tells you the laws are archaic and not enforced or you simply can’t wait longer… Just confront. Only expect him to deny and minimize.

Fourth: The OW husband – At any point in time you can share with him your concerns. I would strongly suggest you wait until you know the impact of infidelity on divorce and have what you need for that. But you don’t have to convince the OM that his wife and your husband are having sex or whatever. You only need to convince him that your concerns about their relationship might be valid.
Chances are he – like you – suspects. Imagine if the next call you get is that husband trying to convince you that his wife might be having an affair with your husband. With what you know – wouldn’t that just be like confirmation?
Or imagine you had NO suspicion, and you got that call. Even if you shrugged it off and cut the call… wouldn’t you start asking questions?
A call along these lines: I suspect my husband and your wife might have a relationship that is more than work-related and maybe inappropriate. I have seen some of the texts and the emojies and they indicate some intimacy. I don’t know what’s going on but I have concerns. My husband was away at these days – x-x-x; jus in case they coincide with some what your wife might have been doing.

Fifth: Workplace affair? What is their job relationship? As a rule managerial roles can have serious repercussions if they have affairs with subordinates. The effects are often overstated since companies usually dread intervening. In my +1000 employee work-place I know of at least 2 managers (over the last 15 years) that were taken aside and warned about their behaviors. One is still there, the other realized a couple of years later he wouldn’t advance and left.

Having naively tried the soft confrontation swooned described when I found the first evidence that my husband was having an affair, I admire your presence of mind and the way you’re gathering evidence and biding your time. I’m also exactly where you are in life—46, first kid graduating in a few weeks, and married over 20 years.

A VAR might be your best option for getting definitive proof. Or going to your own property when they’re there. I wouldn’t go to her house; she might be crazy, and if her kids are there it’s unfair to expose them to whatever scene might happen. I also agree that the OBS is a good resource.

As a mom and as someone who teaches high school for a living, your instinct not to blow up your daughter’s graduation time is commendable. I teach seniors, and every year without fail, someone’s parents’ relationship melts down completely and messily weeks before graduation. It’s traumatizing for the students, and my heart breaks for them. Last year I had half a class crying in my room because of two kids’ situations (both affair related, both super messy with small town small school everyone knows everything dynamics). Your husband has already traumatized your daughter (😡😡), but postponing the full blowup until after graduation is a good idea. Take your time, gather evidence, think about what you want, how broadly you want to expose him (and to what end), and confront him when all your ducks are in a row.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s excruciating. We’re here for you. ❤️

[This message edited by Grieving at 2:38 PM, Wednesday, May 3rd]

Here are some tips for you to financially protect yourself. Some may be done now and some later, but it’s your call as to when.

1. Look at life insurance policies. The owner of the policy (not the insured) can change the beneficiary. I changed all my H’s life insurance policies so I am the policy owner. In the event of a D, I had control over the beneficiaries (would be my children).

2. Cancel or change all joint credit cards. You want to know he cannot screw your credit (if you D) or make your life miserable by not paying the bills after you confront.

Get cards in your name. Transfer his cc balances to a card solely in his name.

3. Get your own bank account and stash an emergency fund there.

4. Get copies of all tax returns, investment accounts, mortgage statements, his weekly paycheck, retirement accounts etc. and keep copies somewhere else. Just in case.

5. Be prepared for fall out upon confrontation. My H was a nasty cruel manipulative jerk during his affair. He was never like that prior to his affair or post affair. But if I said one word about the affair (and yes he admitted it) he became angry. It was ridiculous but apparently cheaters don’t like the affair being brought up 🤪😡😂

6. Definitely tell the other husband. He deserves to know too.

7. Get your daughter some counseling. She’s going to need it.

You deserve better. I hope your H chooses to R and is filled with remorse. If not, you will see he will either re-start the affair or find a new OW.

BTW my H had a typical midlife crisis affair too. 6 months of pure hell. The OW was 29 just turned 30 and she was a single drama Queen whose best assets (in her opinion) hung out of every shirt or top she owned.

I’ve been in your shoes. You got this!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:00 PM, Wednesday, May 3rd]

I recommend you read the biggest betrayal on (no soliciting). She collected evidence for months and had her husband served when he was on vacation with the mistress. There was no way he could have denied it. She wanted to save her marriage and I believe it worked out for her because the mistress had been dropped like a hot potato.

At this point confront when all your finances are in order and you don’t suffer in any way should be chose to leave. Make sure you take care of yourself emotionally and physically as well. Have a good therapist and few close family and friends that are aware.

I wish you lots of strength.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:22 PM, Wednesday, May 3rd]

BrokenWV5, you’ve been given so much great advice so far - I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said. I just wanted to say I’m in awe of your ability to keep everything close to the vest. No way would I be able to keep it cool around my husband knowing all these secrets and lies!! And so much respect to you for keeping things under wraps before daughter’s graduation!! Good luck to you BrokenWV5 - and again, so sorry you had to find your way here.