SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The fact that my husband lied so well for so long and the fact that the OW would accept any little crumb that came their way makes ever trusting my husband again. Lose to impossible. She was so low and desperate I can’t ever trust that depths she’ll go for the crumbs he could provide her —so I’m always turning over stones.

I still check everything and even when I don’t find anything to me there’s no relief in that - I just feel like I haven’t discovered it yet- I have to keep looking.

I have even resorted to flying on business trips with him even if it’s only for a day because I feel like he could still fly her in.

My husband knows I’m never going to stop searching and he’s fine with it but says he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to be seen a different way by me again.

He destroyed that- and while I never knew a person could endure what I’ve been putting him through I still know what he’s capable of.

I didn’t sign up to marry a betrayer and here I am married to one. He hates when I say this but I say this to him

"You didn’t know it at the time but while you were rewriting our history you were erasing yourself as the person I loved unconditionally- you rewrote yourself and this is the role you’re in now.

I tell him I’m not like him- I can’t make someone better than they are like you did the affair partner.

Anyway I know it’s harsh but I’m not evolved enough yet.

Are you past the stage where you can see past the WS’ lies and just love them flaws and all? Are you at a place of not believing at any moment you will catch them doing something?

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 4:33 AM, Tuesday, May 9th]

I am still very new to finding out about my husband and his affair but I honestly feel the sane way as you. I search for things trying to find something I usually don't which is a good thing but it doesn't mean I stop. I wish I could I took off the GPS on his phone for a day or two and it drove me crazy not knowing where he may be at any time. I don't always look at it but to know it's there gives me comfort. So I put it back he tells me he doesn't like it but he knows it is what I need to feel safer and he isn't doing anything wrong so he is fine with it. Which actually he isn't because when he gets upset at me he says I'm controlling him so I told him yesterday he knows where the door is if he doesn't like the way things are going with me. I felt pretty powerful when I said it I said no more what you want or don't it's about me from now on. I hope soon I can stop searching email text calls places he is but for now I need it. So I understand how any of us would.

Howtchappen - not sure if I read your profile correctly but you are three years out from dday?

That's a long time to maintain this level of vigilance. Trust is shattered by an affair, for sure. And most recovered BSs say that it never returns to the level it was pre-affair, however, trust can be regained. It's just usually not the blind trust we once bestowed upon our spouses.

It sounds to me like you are still at ground zero. I'll take you at your word that he has done everything he can to rebuild trust. What do you think is holding you back from extending some trust (not full but some)?

I read some tepidness in your posts. Like you think you are being "cruel" when you speak your truth, your feelings, the actions he did that hurt you. Is it possible you have not fully unleashed and resolved all of your pain and anger? I'm not suggesting you go scorched earth but have you been really honest about your thoughts and feeling without apologizing for feeling that way? It's just a thought but letting out the poison and finding your voice is healing and powerful.

Beyond that have you considered EMDR or trauma therapy? I don't see how you can live a full and happy life feeling this way. The affair may be a dealbreaker for you. That is perfectly fine. But you don't seem to know if it is or isn't. My recommendation is to go full on into your own healing. Trauma therapy, self care, building up your life with hobbies, friends, goals, etc. Not to save your marriage but to save YOU from this pain and distrust.

I swear to you the stronger you become the less this will hurt. People can still hurt you. Your spouse can still fail you. You literally have zero control over that (despite tracking, traveling, video calling, etc) and your actions point to someone trying to control what another person does to you. You can't. But you can get yourself to a place of strength and peace. From that place, you will own yourself and be able to dispense quite quickly with things and people who don't serve you. In other words, he will not completely devastate you again because you will not allow it and you have the tools to recognize and dispense with toxic bullshit at your fingertips.

Focus on YOU. Get help. Get healing. Control YOU.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 11:42 PM, Tuesday, May 9th]

I am afraid of EMDR as (even though it doesn’t seem like it) I’m way better than I was. I’m concerned that EMDR will bring it up all
Over again.

I am looking into EFT.
Any experience with this?

I understand your feelings and it’s so hard. That feeling of hyper vigilance is so hard on your body and mind. I felt that way for a solid six months after d day but it has dissipated to almost nothing. I think I really internalized that I will be ok if he cheats again. It will hurt but I know he’s capable of it and our relationship is already tainted by his actions. I would at that point be done with our relationship but at a year out I am still deciding if I will stay in the marriage or not.
My WH had an affair with a co worker that was very long distance. He has had to travel since then and we’ve set up things to make me feel better. He has also only traveled when he has absolutely had too. I very much doubt he would start his affair back up though. It was a cake eating affair and they live across the country. Your situation may be different.
I did EMDR and I agree with you it may shake everything up again. But I am not a therapist so I wouldn’t take that off the table if they think it would help. I personally did not benefit much from it.
I can really relate to your feelings of not seeing your WH the same way. I am really struggling with that. I feel like I have forgiven him to a point but I would never choose someone capable of so much lying and selfishness. I feel like he’s stolen something from me. The possibility of having a long term faithful marriage. I think I am still working through the loss of that. I wonder how you build back good feelings for someone. I know it will take time but I am afraid I will still feel like you at 3 years. I think for some of us this is emotionally and spiritually a deal breaker but our rational side that is still understandably attached to a very long term relationship wants to stay. At least I think that is what I am facing.
This is not easy and some weeks I still struggle with what I am going to do as far as my marriage but the hyper vigilance did improve for me the more I focused on doing things I enjoyed. I did a couple yoga coaching sessions focused on journaling and setting goals. I also practice yoga daily and bike. I’m still working on socializing and connecting to some good girlfriends more. I think once my senior is away at college I’ll be able to do more of that.
I hope you can find some peace. That has been the worst of this for me. It is very hard to find any baseline stability when you are going through a betrayal.

I may be of a different mindset but the day I stopped being hyper vigilant about HIM was the day my life got better.

I decided I wasn’t going to be the marriage police. I’d had enough. My thought was he could rainy chest on a business trip (and maybe he has). He could find the next OW at a church or local coffee shop for all I know.

He knows there are no more chances and it’s not open to discussion. And while I would be upset if there was another affair I know I would survive it. I certainly would not be blindsided or devastated that’s for sure.

I have confidence in me.

I liken EMDR to emotional chemo. It can be challenging during, but the long term results made it worth it for me. And, I was STILL doing some EMDR around this 3 years out.

None of us here signed up for a marriage to someone who decides to cheat. It's a life changing, heartbreaking experience. Take care of you. Do EMDR for you. It will stir things up a bit, but it will help you reframe your thoughts about yourself in this. There is a fair amount of shame being the injured spouse. EMDR helped me immensely.
I'm sure that if they told about-to-be- marrieds that 50% of them would experience this in their relationships, we probably wouldn't see many marriages. Why would anyone sign up for this?

YOU do get to decide what you want your future to look like. And, you get to change your mind about this. There are times, even 4 years out, when I'm making mental pro/con lists....but I had a therapist suggest that this is the nature of being in ANY relationship.

There came a time when the hyper vigilance was no longer serving me. It was making things worse for me. Let HIM take on that mantle. Letting my FWH be vigilant for our relationship helped me feel more safe with him. There are still times when I might want to look, and I let him know. Though, I know that if he really wanted to hide something, he could.

For me, there is always that chance that I could catch him doing something again. Though, I know that this could happen in any new relationship too. I'm grateful for where we are now, but not why we needed to get here. It is STILL something I think of everyday. The freaking coronation triggered me. Queen Side Chick.

Hang in there. I'm sorry you're here. Hang in there. You deserve to feel better.

I’m so sorry. It’s miserable to be hyper vigilant and in so much pain.

I’m about three years out too. The hyper vigilance has subsided quite a bit. I have fears and do some phone and location checking now and then, but nothing like the first year to two years.

The emotional turmoil has also quieted, though I’m still dealing with flatness and sadness on a semi-regular basis.

One thing I do when negative emotions surface and I desperately wonder whether I’m always going to so miserable is step back and try to assess whether negative feelings have dissipated over time.

The condition of reconciliation that I made for myself is that things have to be moving in a positive direction. The movement can be super slow, and there can be steps backwards, but if I take a Birds Eye view, I need to see progress.

Do you see progress?

If yes, is it enough for you to feel good about your choice to reconcile? Is it enough to continue on the path?

If not, what do you have the power to change?

[This message edited by Grieving at 10:16 PM, Thursday, May 11th]

I may be of a different mindset but the day I stopped being hyper vigilant about HIM was the day my life got better.

I decided I wasn’t going to be the marriage police. I’d had enough. My thought was he could rainy chest on a business trip (and maybe he has). He could find the next OW at a church or local coffee shop for all I know.

He knows there are no more chances and it’s not open to discussion. And while I would be upset if there was another affair I know I would survive it. I certainly would not be blindsided or devastated that’s for sure.

I have confidence in me

.

This!

To add, if I wouldn’t have believed that my WH is capable of change and redemption I would have divorced, being the marriage police and attempting to prevent cheating is not a way to live your life, at least I don’t think so.

Call me naive but Reconciliation can only happen, in my view, if the BS holds a belief that the WS is capable of change and becoming a reliable partner. What’s the alternative? A life where you live next to enemy number 1 waiting for him to make the wrong move so you can catch him again?

Reconciliation also requires changes in the BS, recognising that perhaps they themselves need to put in work and ensure their own safety is driven by themselves, not by their partner, kids, parents, friends and so on. My safety, emotional and physical can only be driven by myself.

Don’t get me wrong, my hyper vigilance was sky high for a very long time, we implemented measures that I have rarely seen WSs here willing to accept. Some measures are still in place because they became linked to our new marriage dynamic: location services stays on and he has not missed a call from me during the last almost 6 years. He doesn’t care where he is he will answer my call. But this would not prevent another affair.

Other than that (and those as I said are not measures imposed by me nor something we discussed recently, it is just something habitual) I do not spend every day WH is in the office thinking he’s having an(other) affair. First because I do believe he regrets the day he set eyes on the Ow and has been desperately trying to make amends for everything, he’s worked pretty hard on changing who he is, started living in gratitude, dropped the conflict avoidance, communicates openly, assessed his values and understood why there was an exception to them when he made the choices he made.

Secondly because, as the1stwife said, I trust myself. I know that if I feel something is wrong again I’ll find out if he’s cheating and if he is, I trust myself to be ok. I’ve worked hard during the last 6 years or so to remind myself who I am, what I’m capable of and heal very old wounds. Whilst I still have some abandonment issues, I know how to deal with them.

In conclusion, besides therapy, in your shoes I’d ask myself this:

why is it that you don’t believe your WH is capable of change? has he actually changed and put a good amount of effort into becoming a reliable partner or has he just provided you with tools to monitor him and promised not to do it again? In other words, has he shifted the responsibility of not cheating onto you rather than himself?

What have you done to facilitate your recovery, healing and having a plan B, ensuring that, should this happen again, you can land on your feet and not fall apart (whilst no doubt painful)?

[This message edited by Luna10 at 10:37 AM, Friday, May 12th]

I may be of a different mindset but the day I stopped being hyper vigilant about HIM was the day my life got better.

I decided I wasn’t going to be the marriage police. I’d had enough. My thought was he could rainy chest on a business trip (and maybe he has). He could find the next OW at a church or local coffee shop for all I know.

He knows there are no more chances and it’s not open to discussion. And while I would be upset if there was another affair I know I would survive it. I certainly would not be blindsided or devastated that’s for sure.

I have confidence in me

Louder for the people in the back!

I spent a long time being hypervigilant. And it became all consuming and completely exhausting. I finally got sick of myself. And stopped. The only thing I can control is me and my reaction. To anything. So if WH is dumb enough to do that to me again - that's on him. I'll at least know that I did everything I could and gave all the chances I could give.

When this first happened to me I would wonder how this could happen. We were a Power Couple. A Golden Couple. And now I know I am the Power, I am the Gold.

Even hypervigilance has its holes. A GPS tracker on the vehicle would only tell where the vehicle is. A locater on the phone will only tell me where the phone is. Constant photos/videos/facetimes will only show me what is in the frame. Anyone who wants to deceive will find a way. So I have better things to do that watch a middle aged toddler.

As for your specific questions:

Are you past the stage where you can see past the WS’ lies and just love them flaws and all?

I promised better/worse, richer/poorer, sickness/health. I did not promise to be his doormat available at all times for him to wipe his feet on me. I gave him grace. What he does with it is 100% on him.

Are you at a place of not believing at any moment you will catch them doing something?

I believe nothing anymore. But don't spend my time dwelling upon it. His actions are his responsibility. I'm not his parole officer. If he is dumb enough to betray me again - that's his damage as I have faith and trust in myself.