SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

28th April 2021. I found out my partner of 30 years had been having an affair for 3 months. I found out because he left his email open. I have never been one to snoop but I think I kind of knew something was going on. Very hard to see photos of another women in an expensive hotel room with your partners very distinctive bag in the picture. The more I looked the more I found. He also cheated on me in other ways. Escorts, sexting with people that were mutual friends with us both, he even brought an escort into our home....yes unforgivable I know. Anyway we have alot of history and been through alot together and we have two beautiful kids, my family unit means the world to me. I did become a bit distant in the relationship so I decided to forgive and give it another crack. This time lowering my walls and really giving my all, my love myself to him. It was very hard to heal as he never really wanted to talk about things he had done. I am the type of person that needs to know to be able to move on, plus I needed to trust again and withholding of information or not being completely honest made it hard. 2 years later I went through his phone and found out he has been sexting with another mutual friend from our past. I feel very destroyed and betrayed as how could he do this when it hurt me so much before and I was giving all my love to him. He now states he thinks he has a sex addiction. He said that nothing happened and so did the girl as I rang her and confronted her about the messaging. They both said that it was purely just messaging. To me it doesn't make much difference whether it messaging or physical contact....the damage has been done. He is very sorry and is actively seeking professional help and states he will do anything and fight for me. I am not sure I can trust him ever again. The only positive is I have been able to get out all the questions from the first time and he has been very open and honest about it all. He states he really didn't know the impact and hurt he caused and realises he never allowed me to heal. He also states the sexting didn't mean much to him but he found it exciting and that's why he wants to get help. I am supportive of this but just not sure I could go through this a 3rd time, but my family unit means so much and I love him and only see myself growing old with him. I have not told anyone about this just a really close friend. This is absolute hell, insides churning again.

[This message edited by BrokenbutRepairing at 9:11 PM, Wednesday, May 31st]

Oh honey. None of this is your fault. Your husband is a compulsive cheater. You need to seriously consider if you can tolerate going through this time and again before committing to trying to reconcile your M.
You need to go be tested for any and all STIs, see an attorney to learn your rights and his responsibilities.
Then you need to figure out consequences for him doing it again. People that habitually cheat don't stop because they realize they have caused others pain. They take a long time of work to making real changes and that's after they figure out the real whys to their actions.
He risking your safety and health and that of your family.

Welcome to SI, and sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that contain a lot of great information. Also, the Healing Library is an excellent resource and contains a list of the acronyms we use.

To be diagnosed with sexual addiction, you have to see a therapist that's certified as a C-SAT. Sometimes, people are just selfish a-holes and want to blame it on SA. It's really tough because the patterns are so ingrained in the person and changing takes a lot of work.

You may wish to find the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's for your WH, but you can certainly read it. It's like a 100 pages and gives an outline of what your WH needs to do for you. Another good book is "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. She has a very good analogy for windows & walls that discusses that you have windows with your spouse so you can be transparent & see the other, and you put up walls with others because they don't need to see into your relationship or shouldn't be allowed to interfere with your relationship.

You are at the beginning of your journey, even though this is your second Dday. You rug-swept on your first, and you'll learn that this approach never works. It almost guarantees another Dday. The old adage, once a cheater, always a cheater is an adage because it isxtrue more often than not (and no, I am not looking up studies to cite). Once that moral and ethical boundary layer has been punctured, it become easier the next time, eventually becoming normalized. Serial cheaters are notoriously difficult to reform, and unless he is willing to dig deep and do the work, it's likely he will start to stray at some future time. He needs to get to the why of his behaviour.

As you read and explore the myriad stories here, you will see a pattern to wayward behaviour. This is called the cheater's script and it is shockingly predictable. Learn from it, as it will allow you to anticipate and prepare.

Additionally, many betrayed spouses (BS's) follow a pattern of self preservation and denial. It's a natural reaction to the shock, and they can gravitate to solutions that promise to get their old lives back. Some think that their relationship is that special exception that defies the norms. They are reluctant to listen to the aggregate wisdom of the members here. Just remember that the wisdom has been purchased at great cost and we all want to help in our own way.

Lastly, the greatest asset of this place is that it isn't an echo chamber. In many ways I'm an outlier, but we all have our opinions. Just take what you need and leave the rest. Often, it has been those members that grated me the most, that have also helped guide me the best.

Good luck on your healing journey.

I really appreciate all your thoughts and advice. I have just purchased the two books that Leafields recommended. I did get an STD check last time. This time I believe it was a non-physical texting that was definitely ramping up to a possible physical encounter.
I have access to everything. Phone,email and he always calls to tell me where he is. He was deleting the messages with this girl he was sexting but it's like the universe brought some of the deleted messages back for me to see. He couldn't understand it. I said if you do the wrong thing it will always come out in the end.
The one positive about this is I have been able to discuss all the stuff from the previous betrayal as I never truly healed from the first one as he didn't really want to discuss it. He has been completely open and honest even telling me things I didn't know.
He has booked in to see a therapist and said he will do anything to prove he is doing the right thing and fight for us. He said he feels like he is walking around with a black creatureon his back, following him, I guess this could be guilt.
Currently we are still under the same roof. We have an adult son that still lives with us and he is going overseas soon and I don't want him knowing about this as I want him to have a good holiday and not be thinking about his mum and dad. When he leaves for the holiday my partner will move out. It is very hard to pretend everything is ok but for the sake of my son, I will do it. I am not going through this a third time. I just don't think I could physically and mentally deal with it.

Hey there. You’ve gotten great advice. And you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

But you really need to get the STD test — just in case. Liars lie, and your are married to a liar. So just in case get tested, and have him get tested and share the results with you. If he is willing to do anything, he’ll do it.

Also see a lawyer or three to understand what D might look like. It helps with the fear to have knowledge and an understanding of what separation or D might look like. Also find out how to protect your finances. He has committed financial infidelity using escorts, so get a handle on how he is paying for this.

Take good care of yourself— as you learned on DDAY 1, this is a huge trauma. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get exercise and sleep. See your doc if you are having trouble sleeping.

Also consider IC for you— so you can work through what your boundaries are and what you want. It’s really helpful to have someone you can tell all to IRL.

Keep reading here (look in the healing library for some great stuff and the posts with bullseyes throughout the FJO forum), keep posting.

And know you are going to get through this one way or another and you will be fine.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 5:42 PM, Sunday, June 4th]

BrokenbutRepairing

We all were you once. You have good company here.

I was here 8 years ago, heartbroken, just plain broken, desperately doing whatever it took to hold on to my marriage.

I got the lies, the trickle truth, the tears, the begging for another chance... the whole ball of wax.

I stayed and did whatever I could to help him help me and us.

For a while it worked. I thought we finally had the marriage I'd always wanted.

Six years later, it happened again. Both times he blamed me. I wasn't affectionate enough. He was lonely in our marriage. I never put him first.

It is NOT your fault.

But you have to decide, because now he has shown this is a pattern.

Is this what you want to live with? Because its unlikely to change. Maybe someone out there has experienced true change due to shame and remorse... I thought I was that person.

All I did was teach him how to hide things better. And oh did he.

Like you, some deleted messages didn't fully delete .... tucked waaaay down in the trash file, I found them.

I did everything "wrong". Twice. I showed my cards, I told him what I knew so he could tailor the truth to the evidence. For things I had only suspicions, he denied, gaslit, shamed me, criticized me. To this day, I'm left with the weight of knowing in my gut that there's SO much more he's not telling me.

One day, on this site, someone recommended ** No Soliciting**. That changed everything for me. An alternative I hadn't really considered before. Everything else I read said "own your part", "hold on tighter", "get the passwords", "share location". I just couldn't do it anymore.

I decided I didn't want to be the marriage police. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life sleuthing, sneaking peeks, always on the lookout for the next misdeed, deciphering hidden meanings as to why he was always turning his screen away from me, staying up way past when we normally went to sleep.

If you're open to a different way of looking at it, read her blog, read her book, then decide how you want to proceed.

I'm so sorry you are here. Its a terrible place to be... but as someone who has tried it both ways, I'm now 2 years past the second round, and I've found (hard won) peace. I hope you do too.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:20 PM, Monday, June 5th]

Barelybreathing, thank you for your response. I know I must look after myself and I am definitely trying to do that. The last time I couldn't eat for a month and lost so much weight and hair. I am at least eating this time.

TOTO 1521-your story sounds like me. We certainly do teach them to hide things better and yes I don't really want to be in a relationship where I have to monitor and investigate his ever move....that is no way to live. I have kept the photos I took of the sexting and everytime I feel like I could forgive, I look at the messages and it reminds me to stay real and focused on what he has done to me again. There has got to be consequences this time otherwise he will just keep playing me as the fool.

So sorry you find yourself here :( However, if you really take in the messages you can be saved so much hell some of us went through. It is so hard to believe that someone we loved and trusted can betray and lie to us repeatedly. When someone shows you who they are, please believe them. In other words, trust that he sucks.

I have been in a long term marriage and am no spring chicken. However, I decided I will not live with this any longer. I recently read the book, "Lose a cheater, gain a life" and it has shed so much light on why we do the things we do to cope and why WH's do what they do. When you are able to accept the reality of the situation, it will give you so much clarity and the strength you need. I realize this is in no way my fault!!

Take a few steps by consulting with an attorney, get a handle on your financial picture, and take care of YOU!

You are not alone.