SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so thankful to have found this group- yet, I so wishes I didn't have to. My WH and I would be celebrating 35 years of marriage this coming November. He was dx with Glioblastoma back in February of this year (2023) and has been struggling with tumor induced confusion and cognitive decline, along with stroke he suffered during craniotomy at the end of March. We have 4 grown kids, 2 of whom still live at home. And they have been huge emotional as well as physical support for me. This is my husband’s second brain tumor dx. First was 15 years ago and he was in complete remission during those years. I am telling you all this to lead you up to how the A came to light. With the tumor locating in the right frontal lobe, his executive function is in disarray causing loss of filter. Well, the lack of filter and judgement let the cats out of the bag, sort of speak.

One day I was out to lunch with a friend while one of our daughters stayed with my husband, she caught him scrolling through porn on twitter. She frantically told me when I got home what had happened in my absence. When we asked him about it, he became quite defensive and said well you think this is bad… let me tell you…. The rest is history. He told us he’s been addicted to porn for over 6 years, and about an A he had 30 years ago with a graduate school classmate of his that went on for 6 months. During that time, we became pregnant with our first child and his initial thought, he said was ‘what am I going to tell xxxxx". When he was in grad school, I suspected something but I dismissed it as overthinking on my part after asking him ‘why are you spending so much time at her house?’. He quickly dismissed it as part of a group project. She apparently constantly asked him to tell of about the A because she wanted him to go with her to where her job offer awaited. He was still waiting for a job offer at the time of graduation. Well, he never did tell me about the A. He was eventually offered a job in another state, we moved and started our family. But apparently the A continued until we had a second child while she would come to visit him now and then while he was ‘at work’. I also found a card once in his dresser from her, that said ‘I miss you’. I did ask him about that.. but then again he quickly dismissed it.

Things are a bit complicated in that with his cognitive decline, I can’t verify lot of the facts. He either over exaggerates or denies everything. But what I know is that since he has no filter, what comes out of his mouth first is usually the truth and this has hurt me deeply. It’s been 4 weeks since he spilled the beans and my heart is still broken into million pieces. Yet I am the main caregiver who takes him to radiation therapy everyday, drives him to appointments, sets his medication out for him x3 a day. Yes it’s been a long time since the A happened, but the fact that he kept this from me for so long, pretended all these years as nothing had ever happened, and the fact that he’d been such a doting & loving husband all these years make it that much harder to trust him. I feel like everything he’s ever said or done for me are bunch of lies. I feel as though I should just put him on the plane to the woman he so loved back 30 years ago. My heart just hurts. Grieving for my husband’s illness and his inevitable passing were all I could endure but then this. Will I ever be able to put the pieces of my heart together again? He may have cheated and crushed my heart but I will honor my promise and care for him until his passing. I just don’t know how to mend my own heart as I continue on this journey. Thank you for reading. 🙏♥️

[This message edited by DesertMoon1223 at 3:25 AM, Friday, June 2nd]

Hi DesertMoon and welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. First, the resources. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new posters to read. Another place to read is the Healing Library, where there is a list of the acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for people who recently found out about an A that occurred years ago.

I'm so sorry that you are finding out about the A now, as it is hard to cope with both the illness and the infidelity. I would suggest IC (individual counseling) with a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. If they specialize in infidelity, that would be a bonus.

Healing isn't linear, and it's sometimes one step forward and two steps backward. Just remember that it's a marathon and not a sprint. You'll go through stages similar to the grief stages, basically grieving for the marriage and husband you thought you had.

Hang in there and keep posting.

It's very rare that someone posts a story that involves truly uncommon and exceptional mitigating circumstances surrounding the infidelity. There's a lot to unpack here and, as Leafields recommended, you need to see an individual counselor (IC) as soon as possible. You're dealing with a lot of issues that may be above our pay grade.

Other than getting a therapist for yourself, you need to discuss these recent revelations with your husband's health care team. Do you feel safe in the home with him? The fact that he was casually looking at pornography in front of your daughter and, when confronted by you, started spewing about his affairs really indicates serious and potentially dangerous cognitive decline.

Also, I'm not sure how reliable of a narrator he is, either. A good platonic male friend of my mother recently died of cancer, which had metastasized to his brain. Apparently, on his death bed, he told his wife that my mother was the great love of his life, he bought her a beautiful diamond necklace, and he will never forget the long weekend they spent together in Atlantic City... none of which was true. When the wife called my Mom to confront her, my Mom's response was: "I never had any romantic relationship with your husband. The first and only time I went to AC was a girl's trip with my daughter. And your husband never even paid for lunch when we hung out together, let alone bought me a diamond necklace."

I'm not saying you should put your head in the sand and disbelieve what he's told you; I'm just saying you should get some clear guidance and perspective from his physicians before getting lost in the weeds of trying to dig up details on events from 30 years ago.

@leafields
Thank you for the kind welcome. I will go back and read other posts relating to my situation. 🙏

@BluerThanBlue,
I have met a wonderful therapist with whom I feel really comfortable with and I can trust. After the A was made apparent, I did call and talk to the social worker in the neuro-onc office. What bothered me the most was his apathy, lack of guilt or remorse. When I told WH’s doctor she immediately told me to take him into ED. The medical team has been incredible in every way possible for support and sharing advice. And I do agree with you, that it is getting harder and harder to discern whether it’s WH talking or if it’s the ‘tumor’ talking. I do have to take something’s he says with the grain of salt and watch carefully as to how he responds, or wait until he is lucid and clear minded. I work in the medical field myself, and I do practice due diligence on my part when it comes to discernment however, it’s incredibly difficult when it comes to something like A.. that’s so personal then whatever knowledge or experience disappears and I just draw a blank.

Hey Moon,

You do have a difficult situation. But cognitive decline or not, his words have hurt you. And that you had suspicions back then, well…. It very well may be true.

Please allow yourself to be angry, hurt, confused, and unsure how to think about the past 30 years. But one thing to keep in mind is that everything YOU experienced — all the joys, fun, love, and compassion - that was all real and true. Anything he did or did not do does take that away from you.

I’m glad you are in IC— that will help.
And is there anyone else IRL that you can talk to ?

Keep posting, and understand that your roller coaster of feelings is real and we understand. It may have occurred 30 years ago, but it is fresh and new to you.

For me, there were times when I had to go out to my car and scream until my voice was gone. Be sure to get the anger out in a healthy way.

I'm glad you feel comfortable with your IC. Don't neglect you during this time.

If you're feeling depressed or anything, get in touch with your doctor.

What I found that helped me was mindfulness and meditation.

I think you will have to treat this as a form of dementia. My friends older brother developed PD dementia and would solicit women online. His wife would be in the room with him.
This is so heartbreaking for you. If he grew up at some point and became a devoted husband and father maybe that will ease some of your pain.
I agree another who suggested therapy for you. We can only send you good thoughts because you cannot go anywhere until he passes.

I'm so sorry. Be really kind to yourself.

Just being the primary caretaker is hard enough, but this revelation (true or not) just adds to all of the conflicted feelings.

Go sit on your front step or back yard when you need to. Take walks around the neighborhood or out in nature somewhere.

Do feel free to scream in your car (like leafields suggested). I also did this until I was hoarse, but it really did help. Axe throwing or even ice throwing might also be a relief.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a complicated and sorrowful time!
((((hugs))))