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I second Anna’s advice. Do not meet with him. Do not engage with him. See an attorney and have the separation agreement drafted promptly. You are a priority. Take care of you. Sending you strength. Good luck.

He or she who files first, controls the pace of the proceedings. Don't meet with him without a witness or at the very least a VAR. it's funny, my WW (now ex) insisted that I turn off my phone during a y meeting as advised by her lawyer friend no doubt. I guess they never considered a VAR. Protect yourself. Wayeards deep in the fig can act a dcreact in ways that we would think as totally unexpected.

Well, I didn't follow any of your advice and I met with him last night. I needed to see his face when he told me why he cheated on me and why he wants to leave our marriage. I asked a lot of questions about the affair and his choices. He is convinced that he loves AP and that he doesn't love me anymore. He admitted that he was not unhappy with our marriage but he still doesn't want to be married to me anymore. He said we didn't have that "spark", that our marriage had become to comfortable for him. THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGES ARE SUPPOSED TO BECOME. He thinks because he feels all these special new emotions with her that it is real love.

He just wants to file for divorce and move on. He doesn't see any reason to wait.

I didn't talk to him about dividing any of our property because I need to talk to my lawyer first.

I just feel so worthless and abandoned.

Hello ERC, I am so sorry about all you're feeling and going through. Please go to your attorney and file. My attorney told me that there is a direct correlation between guilt and generosity. The more guilt, the more generous he'll be in splitting your assets. But as time goes on, less guilt, less generosity. Even if for some small chance you both halt the divorce in the future, at least protect your assets and get as much as you can (& deserve), outside of the 50/50.

You are strong. You will get through this and you will be better off. Years from now when you look back, you will be proud of yourself for surviving this.

I’m sure you are feeling so low right now. Perhaps it’s best you know exactly where he stands now and you can start divorce proceedings without doubt in your mind.

I think you know, as we do, his feelings for her will eventually become "comfortable " too and, very likely, he’ll start to look elsewhere to get that spark he needs. I don’t give their partnership much chance in lasting.

Be extra kind to yourself. I’d also let EVERYONE, including family, know the real truth behind this relationship.

Sending hugs.

I just feel so worthless and abandoned.

You have been abandoned, in a cruel and soulless manner, and we understand the pain of that. We’ll be here for you in it.

You are anything but worthless. He didn’t leave because you aren’t good enough. I can’t tell you why he did it, but I am certain of that much. It isn’t a mother’s fault if her baby dies of SIDS, there are just awful things that happen in this life to good people. Give all the fault to him, it’s completely deserved. You let go of that anchor and start walking the path of healing.

^^^ This ^^^

The experts say this kind of euphoria last anywhere from six months to two years, and then it becomes mundane. People jump off sides of mountain in bat suits, climb Mount Everest, go into small submarines to look at things under the sea, ride roller coasters, and sometimes people cheat. The fact of the matter is, there are some people who are addicted to the high they get. It sounds like your husband is convinced that she’s going to be the love of his life but that’s going to be another routine marriage if they do so.
This reminds me of Chris Evert, and her husband, whowere best friends with golfer Greg Norman and his wife. Greg and Chris fell in love with each other under the noses of their spouses, divorced and married and it lasted about 2 1/2 minutes. He’s now onto his third, possibly fourth marriage and she’s teaching tennis. Life has a habit of catching up with people even the wealthiest, even the prettiest, even the most powerful. Life always catches up.

You can't reconcile with someone that doesn't want to. Stop talking to him, keep up with IC, and arrange meetings with a couple of attorneys. Also do STI testing to be safe, you are dealing with 2 liars and cheaters.

I know it is hard but find something to keep your mind off him - books, movies, hobbies, sports, take classes.

You did nothing wrong. The AP is not you friend and never has been. He is not the man you married so don't think he will snap back anytime soon.

ERC

If you can then look at your situation like some temporary crisis that you need to deal with. Like if you fell onto a glass table and the glass shattered, cutting deeply into your thigh.
You could spend time blaming yourself for slipping or stumbling on the pillow you were going to pick up. You could spend time mourning the wrecked table. You could start cleaning up the shards and blood.
But… none of those actions would make sense or prevent you from bleeding out.

You might press a towel to the cut to staunch the flow of blood. You might endure the pain of a torniquet, even if it hurt more than the cut itself. You would call for help – 911 or your friend or whatever – to get you to the ER.
These actions are taken because they are correct to the reality of the situation.

Only after the bleeding has been stopped and you have been treated do you go back to the what-ifs, how’s and whys, and the cleaning and replacing.

Your husband wants a divorce. IMHO it’s to your immense advantage to control that process as much as you can within the relatively small frame you can control it. Start researching divorce in your area. Have a good picture of what info you need. Ask around for attorney recommendations. Even if you two want to use a mediator to cut costs, you want an attorney to guide you and ensure that all the i’s are dotted and t’s crossed.

It is perfectly normal to have hope and not a bad thing either. But if you want to hope and rebuild, it should be with an IC and not blindly either. Go in with eyes wide open and putting everything on the table to be worked through. So difficult being cheated on.

How are you doing, ERC? Have you taken any steps?

I want to thank you all for all the kind words and support. I don't know where I would be with out this amazing community.

I met with a lawyer last week and filed divorce paperwork today. I served Fuckwit today and honestly all I really feel besides anger that he put us in this situation is relief. I feel relief that I no longer have to agonize over if I could ever trust him again, I feel relief that I don't have to agonize over the fact that he is spending every free moment with her and is planning on moving in with her. I feel relief that I don't have to give him any more of my time or mental energy.

He did this to us and he has to live with himself knowing that he did this.

Honestly, for the first time in months I am excited about what my future will hold. I know that I am a smart, strong, funny woman and I will make it through this horrible time and come out the other side stronger and more sure of myself.

Great update, ERC. So glad you're liking to with anticipation. For me, life has been so much better since D.

I know this isn't what you wanted, but I am excited for you as well. Life only gets better when we leave lying cheaters in our rearview. Three years from now you'll wonder what took you so long!

Cheering you on here ErC. What a great update, you’re sounding strong, smart and funny indeed.

ERC,

I am so sorry we had to meet like this but glad you found us nonetheless.

The first wife is correct when she says this:

A D doesn’t have to be the final ending if he ever comes to his senses and you still want to R, that could happen.

Just ask me - as this is precisely what happened to me. One of my main regrets was not moving forward with leaving my WH faster than I did. My WH had an A with a married co-worker. The OBS also worked with them. My WH was IN the AP-OBS's wedding. Apparently the AP wanted to coordinate something like your WS/AP did - both of them leave me/OBS at the same but in my case my WH couldn't bring himself to do it - not because he didn't want to be rid of me (he most certainly did for a time) but because he was a total conflict-avoidant coward and was just hoping that I would get sick of him treating me like a distant stranger and leave. So in my case my WH did not confess to the A - I caught him - and he would not straight out say he wanted me to leave, but he did....until he didn't.

My WH and the AP did not run off into the sunset together - but they did take their A underground for over a year and were convinced that all the fairy-tales and rainbows were created just to celebrate their love, blah blah blah. I am still not sure how/why their A ultimately ended - it appears it ended badly and they turned on each other but honestly I don't care. A lot more happened but ultimately we are no longer married, and about the time I left my WH decided he needed to get into IC to figure out why he had behaved the way he did - why he had made such a mess of things - why he betrayed his own sense of morals...and he is a much different person for it. Honestly he is a much better person than the man I met, and while we have not R'ed fully, we do date, and talk, and spend some time together, but I live in another state and do not plan to move back to him, and I am really happy/content with how things are. This process was long - my dday was in 2017 - but really I have felt a lot better since 2020 and pretty freaking fantastic since 2021. You will get there no matter what happens, and you may even find yourself feeling like I do - that you don't want your WH in your life full time (or maybe not even at all).

Basically what I'm saying is to not get too caught up in conventional notions about divorce and marriage - don't let the concept of divorce stop you from doing what is right and healthy for YOU. I think I tended to feel like a failure because of the breakdown of my relationship, but the thing is, I didn't fail anything. I 100% held up my part of the deal - it was my WH who failed, not me. When I finally started understanding that - when I allowed myself to lift the self-blame I could start to inch forward and focus on other things that were important to me. This is NOT your fault and you did NOT fail your marriage. And you WILL be okay!

***I also agree that striking while the iron is hot - while to the extent your WH feels any guilt for hurting you that guilt is likely at its peak right now - to the extent you can settle financial matters with him while he is in this stage I say do it. You may end up not divorcing, or you may divorce and never see each other again, or end up with some weird thing in the middle like me.

Ma'am, first of all, my commiserations on this heinous dual betrayal. Its obvious that these two wretches have moral/ethical chasms the size of the Grand Canyon. I pity them. We all know the probability is very high their affair will go up in flames. Tragic and pathetic.

Moving on.....

I understand the trauma of this kind of dual betrayal, thus my screen moniker. Mine was with my first wife and then best friend. Its a body blow followed by an upper cut, but its survivable. You can and will move through and then past this in time. In the meantime, you may seesaw between this:

I just feel so worthless and abandoned.

And this:

Honestly, for the first time in months I am excited about what my future will hold. I know that I am a smart, strong, funny woman and I will make it through this horrible time and come out the other side stronger and more sure of myself.

For a while, and thats ok. Its the roller coaster from hell but it'll lessen in intensity over time.

My betrayal is way in my rearview now. I built a brand new life with a wonderful woman who is also a survivor of a brutal betrayal. Just know that there is light on the horizon.

Strength, peace and healing to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:40 AM, Saturday, July 8th]

Good choice of name for the WH. Glad you are feeling optimistic about the future . Please take care.

My heart goes out to you. This happened to a friend of mine and I can tell you that she is 100x better, but it took a bit.

Talk to a lawyer and get as much as you can. Go public to friends and family. He is not trying to fix this at least now.

I am not in your situation exactly, but feeling all of the pain you are feeling and it will only make you stronger. And bt the way, he will get bored of her in no time. This spark he speaks of with her is NOT going to last.