SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I caught my husband at a hotel in the middle of the day a little over 2 months ago. He was receiving his second happy ending massage in about a 6 month period. We are working on reconciling I am so hurt. Anybody else in the same boat? Do I consider this full on cheating? I am grateful the heart was not involved and would like to minimize this to a stupid mistake but I can't, at least not yet. I am shocked and hurt over this behavior. He is full of regret and doing all the "right" things. He takes full responsibility and has not put any blame on me for anything. The last 3 years have been pretty rough stress wise with outside things. He has been my rock through this and now I feel it's all been a lie. It's not who he is. At least I didn't think he was this person. He says the same thing, however he did it. I'm at a loss. We are in MC - I will seek IC soon and pass on some books to him. Suggestions? But mostly does anybody else have a similar situation? I feel so alone.

[This message edited by oonly4me at 11:36 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

I don't have a similar situation but I would highly suggest a polygraph as I highly doubt these were the only times.

Based on the way I caught him and his confession I do believe this to be true. Who knows how many more times it would've happened had I not caught him. I'm sure it would have continued. Although I did witness him leaving the hotel before he knew I was in the parking lot. He looked distraught and disgusted. He admitted that he did it about 6 months prior before I even had a chance to ask questions. I believe he came clean. I was a hot mess and reacted just as you might see on some reality cheater tv show. I never thought I could be like that but I completely lost it.

Sorry that you need to find Si. The posts pinned to the top of the forum have lots of good information, as well as the Healing Library. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for emotionless infidelity that you may find helpful.

How long have you been married and do you have any children together?

[This message edited by leafields at 2:13 AM, Thursday, June 22nd]

oonly4me

You basically have/had the same question spread across several forums making responding hard.

Yes – it’s cheating. Yes – it could be more, or it could be true. There are things in his story that sound… well… suspect.
Like why a hotel? Happy-ending massages are a dime-a-dozen in sleazy "massage" parlors. It’s the bane of the honorable (and important) "real" massage industry. Professionals with medical training are often on a daily basis turning away customers that expect something "extra". Why go through the hassle of finding someone that does house-calls, get a hotel room and then go see it through when you could go to the Missy Massy Massage – we guarantee you will leave "happy" parlor at the end of the bad street in town?
There can be reasons. It could be his naivity or his fear in getting caught. But "happy ending" generally refers to a hand-job. Why the privacy and cost of a hotel?

I want to point one thing out:
If you are going to MC to deal with his kink… won’t work.
He didn’t cheat because you don’t role-play or sex is getting boring. He cheated for some other reason. That reason is dealt with by his INDUVIDUAL therapist.

What a MC can do is open up communications. If his "reason" to cheat was a bland sex-life and he really get’s off being beaten with wet asparagus while you wear high-heel boots… then a MC helps you two learn how to dare communicate these needs and desires and how you reach some acceptable compromise you are both willing to partake in (like lettuce in lieu of asparagus…)

But yes – this definitely is an affair.

Lots of men seem to go for the "happy ending" massages and think nothing of it. To me it is cheating, but not at a level of any real connection, only for a release. Tough spot. Make it clear to him that this is very hurtful to you and you absolutely consider it cheating, if you decide to stay with him and this happens again the marriage is over???

The hotel part to me is the sketchy bit in this whole thing. Happy endings are done in massage parlors - anything "more" would be done where there’s more privacy. Hence the hotel room. Yes this is cheating. And you should probably demand a poly to be sure it was just hand jobs and nothing more and ALSO that this is in fact only the 2nd time. He could be lying about that too. Remember - cheaters lie and minimize because they believe the truth is too hard for us to handle so they water it down, down, down to appease us. Hit me with the truth I always say - let me know right off the bat so I know what I’m dealing with!! Also - no sex until you and he are STD tested. I’m sorry you’re going thru this - it sucks. All of it. For a lot of BS, when the "heart" isn’t involved, as in ONS, it seems like it’s easier to push through knowing there was no emotional connection like in an EA or full blown long term A, where heart AND physical actions abide. I don’t know - the masseuse could be a stranger, or not -she could be the regular one he goes to. That would lead me to believe he’s developing a connection of some sort. STILL - it’s cheating and IC is a must for both of you, not MC. I wish you well.

There is more.

He was in a hotel for a reason. I would guess he has a regular prostitute he patronizes.

Keep digging. There is more.

I’m sorry.

Do I consider this full on cheating?

That depends. My ex husband and I had a very well communicated boundary that we would not have sexual relations with other people.

20 years into the marriage, I found out he spent a lot of time in hotel rooms with prostitutes.

Was that “Full on cheating"? Fuck yes.

Not only did he full on cheat, but he full on lied, he full on disrespected me and he full on exposed me to diseases.

I full on divorced him.

If you had a similar agreement with your husband, then YES, it. Is. Cheating.

[This message edited by GiveTimeTime at 5:42 PM, Wednesday, June 21st]

Hi, welcome to SI.

Gently, I have to agree with others, cheaters lie and deny and lie some more. There's probably much more that he's not telling you.

Start digging deeper.

So sorry your H made such poor choices, and you're here struggling with the outcome. Yes, assuming you're in a monogamous marriage where intimate physical acts with others is not part of the deal, this was full on cheating. Please don't minimize his choices as a "mistake." A mistake is forgetting to buy milk at the grocery store. Cheating (writ large) and engaging sex workers involves a series of purposeful acts (finding the sex worker, engaging the sex worker, setting the price, reserving the hotel room, etc. etc.) where he not only lied to you, he put your health at risk for STDs, AND he deliberately ignored ethical choices inherent in sex trade participation. He felt entitled to whatever happened in those hotel rooms. It's tempting to minimize his choices "as a stupid mistake" because it hurts less to view him as foolish than it does to recognize he's the type of man who views women as a commodity to be bought/sold for his personal comfort and ego fortification. He has a lot of work to do to become a better man, let alone a safe partner for you. Asking him to read "some books" could be a start, but really, IMO he needs to dig deep to figure out WHY he thought it was okay to do what he did, and consistently PROVE he's a safe partner OVER TIME before offering reconciliation - if that's on the table. IC for HIM, not MC, seems indicated.

MC may not be the route to go - at least not right now. MC often employs the Unmet Needs approach - that infidelity was the result of Unmet Needs in the marriage. Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to lie and cheat, and to squander marital funds on hotels and sex workers. These acts were choices he made because he got something out of it. If your MC is using the Unmet Needs model to counsel I'd nope it right out of there. Some MC view the marriage as the client, that compromise, communication etc. are ways to "treat" the marriage. The marriage didn't cheat and lie, he did.

oonly4me, the hotel room scenario does seem suspect. How do you know it was a happy endings massage? Because he told you so? If she was a hired sex worker he met in a hotel room its likely other physical acts occurred. A hotel room for a hand-job doesn't fit.

For a lot of BS, when the "heart" isn’t involved, as in ONS, it seems like it’s easier to push through knowing there was no emotional connection like in an EA or full blown long term A,

Or, if you'll be patient with some theorizing, maybe he's gambling you'd be willing to call a one off (two off?) hand job with a hooker a "mistake" rather than take the the risk necessary to come clean about a full on affair. Is it possible the happy endings part was handy cover if that gal in the hotel room wasn't a sex worker at all? You caught him coming out of the hotel, not her correct? Were there credit card charges or unusual large withdrawals of cash to support his claim she was a sex worker? If he did participate in sex trade, have you gone through financial records to be sure this was truly a two times only thing? Hiring sex workers can be a pricey practice. 1/2 the money he used to pay sex workers and rent hotel rooms is yours! And, as others have pointed out, there's likely more he hasn't told you. Please don't forget to protect yourself financially while you're struggling with the betrayal.

ETA:

Liars lie. STD panels for both of you, including HPV pelvic screening for you pronto.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 10:23 PM, Wednesday, June 21st]

How long have you been married and do you have any children together?

We have been married for 33 years next month. Together for 36. High School sweethearts. 3 grown children.

Yes – it’s cheating. Yes – it could be more, or it could be true. There are things in his story that sound… well… suspect.
Like why a hotel? Happy-ending massages are a dime-a-dozen in sleazy "massage" parlors. It’s the bane of the honorable (and important) "real" massage industry.

I agree that it's cheating. He did not rent the room. It is where this "independent" contractor works. She has clients come to her. This has been verified.

Lots of men seem to go for the "happy ending" massages and think nothing of it. To me it is cheating, but not at a level of any real connection, only for a release. Tough spot. Make it clear to him that this is very hurtful to you and you absolutely consider it cheating, if you decide to stay with him and this happens again the marriage is over???

I'm finally getting good at the quote thing. haha Taking me a minute to figure this out.

Thank you for your thoughts. It was for a release during depression, I believe. I have to go with my gut on this. He knows and it is very clear how hurt I am. He also very much knows this is cheating and if it happens again in any shape or form the marriage is done. We have had amazing conversations and both shed a lot of tears. I am trying to go with my gut on this and not discount 34 years of marriage - It was a good marriage too. Although now we both see how he shoved his emotions down and that's what got us into this completely unbearable situation. He is doing better at sharing his feelings. My feelings come in waves. I can't look at him the same way. He has definitely been knocked off his pedestal. We are both working hard to fix things. Although I resent that I have to work at all. But I am willing at this point.

The hotel part to me is the sketchy bit in this whole thing. Happy endings are done in massage parlors - anything "more" would be done where there’s more privacy. Hence the hotel room.

It's where she takes clients. He went to an independent contractor so to speak. I have verified this. I also know when he arrived at the hotel and how long he was there - it was under an hour. He then admitted to it happening about 6 months prior in another city at another place. He divulged this information immediately before I was rational enough to ask questions.

it’s cheating and IC is a must for both of you, not MC. I wish you well.

We have been doing MC but am going to start IC as well and so is he. I agree on that point for sure. Although the MC did not minimize or put any blame on me at all. She took him to task completely which he took willingly.

Was that "Full on cheating"? Fuck yes.

Absolutely agree on this point. I hope you are happy now. This really sucks, to say the least.

Gently, I have to agree with others, cheaters lie and deny and lie some more. There's probably much more that he's not telling you. sad

Start digging deeper.

Thanks for the gently, seriously, I appreciate that. I have been digging. Also, trying to trust my gut on this and not discount 34 good years. So far everything he says pans out. I know exactly how long he was in the hotel room (less than hour) and I watched him leave looking incredibly distraught and he called me while walking to his car. Of course I then ambushed him and lost it. In ways I never thought possible. It was like a scene from some stupid reality cheater show. Not my proudest moment and most definitely not his.

Boundary Builder:

MC may not be the route to go - at least not right now. MC often employs the Unmet Needs approach - that infidelity was the result of Unmet Needs in the marriage. Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to lie and cheat, and to squander marital funds on hotels and sex workers. These acts were choices he made because he got something out of it. If your MC is using the Unmet Needs model to counsel I'd nope it right out of there. Some MC view the marriage as the client, that compromise, communication etc. are ways to "treat" the marriage. The marriage didn't cheat and lie, he did.

We jumped into MC pretty quickly - We will now both do IC - Grateful the therapist we found did not go the route so many talk about. She was trying to find the reason - Always said these were his choices and not my fault. Said all the things people on here are saying so I am grateful for that. But it is time to move on to separate therapists. I find myself not saying things because I don't want to hurt him. I see the pain he is going through as well. Yup, he put us there but he is in pain nonetheless. I'm sure that sounds so stupid. I am not defending him at all. He made deliberate choices to look up and contact someone and meet them and pay them. All so f'ing deliberate. It's shocking and not who I thought he was. He said that it was incredibly awkward and he ran out of there ASAP (of course he finished first) but I know he was in there less than hour. I know this because I waited in the parking lot. I called the hotel looking for his room, etc. etc. He walked out alone looking freaked out. He admitted the other one about 6 months prior immediately even though I wasn't in a place to even be asking questions yet. My gut believes him. We have been going through alot the past few years with problems with my folks and he had been my rock through it all. I believe he used this as a stress reliever (not ok - and not excusing it) It is a reason not an excuse. Absolutely not an excuse.

He didn't meet up with escorts to relieve stress.

That's why he needs IC, to dig deep, and figure out why he really cheated.

He had a lot of options that didn't include infidelity with escorts. He needs to figure out why he chose to take a crap on his integrity, and cheat on his wife.

It's where she takes clients. He went to an independent contractor so to speak. I have verified this. I also know when he arrived at the hotel and how long he was there - it was under an hour. He then admitted to it happening about 6 months prior in another city at another place. He divulged this information immediately before I was rational enough to ask questions.

Keep digging. Cheaters will often admit to something as a way to get you to stop looking (for the record, criminals do this, too. They will admit to one smaller crime in an attempt to deflect from the larger one). My STBXH did that. I found a naked picture of him on his phone and he lied and said it was some online thing. A month later he tells me he'd been having a year+ long A. They are VERY good at lying and compartmentalizing.

I'm not saying there definitely were more instances, but you will likely always wonder if you don't check.