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It's been a week since D-day and I've been preparing for my next steps. I discovered nude pics and explicit texts from my WW to her AP (nearly 30 years her senior). I called her out on that and got the lovely gaslighting..those were old from when we were broken up....Yeah right...it was from when we were back "together"...time/date stamps don't lie. Of course she said it was over, but suspicious behavior continued (always having phone with her on silent and taking it to the bathroom for 10-15 minutes several times a night...and at predictable times as well 8 am and 10 pm). Well one week ago on her day off she says she is going to a tanning session and will be back in 30 minutes. I decide to go the local McDonalds and get us Cokes (which just so happens is same route as to the tanning salon)...and see her car across the street at a holiday Inn parking lot. I position my car so that I have a great view of the car and then call her. She says there's a line at the tanning booth and will be home soon. I wait and see her come out with the old man and take pics of them and then of him and his car when he drives away. i know his name and contact information and that he is married too (I have her contact info and that of his adult children as well). i confronted her that night and she tried to minimize saying he wanted one last conversation...in a hotel bar...yeah right. I told her this was not what I signed up for, that it was totally unacceptable and unless she agreed to have absolutely no contact with him whatsoever, that I would have no choice but to file for divorce. Of course she agreed. But she did not send a NC text or have the joint NC call that I required...so I have no reason to believe it has stopped. So i am preparing for part 2 of the D-day discussion. Again demanding NC with OP and sending the NC text or having NC call and access to phone when requited (and phone bill...can't delete those records). And then redouble our work in couples counseling.

I am also going to contact the OBS. He claims his wife doesn't understand him...well she will understand him a whole lot better soon. Whether that affects the interaction between my WW or AP is debatable. But I do believe in consequences for your actions.

Most importantly, I'm taking care of myself..focusing on my job and my kids. Not letting this completely consume me. But man it does suck to be back in a similar story. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm young-ish, attractive, funny, caring, and successful in my career. What I have to ask myself is since this is a pattern in my life, what's wrong with my love radar that i seem to find attractive people who are either prone to stray or stray when relationships go through tough times. I'm pondering that as I'm working through this too.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share some of the story. I'll post more as my journey continues. we'll see where it goes.

Gently, but you have already told her to stop. She chose to disregard your boundary. Now you intend to communicate the same boundary...again...without action. Why should she believe you are serious when she faced no consequences to breaking that boundary the first time?

I take it you would like to reconcile. If that is the case, I would move right to exposure without saying anything more to her. Let her feel the consequences of her actions, and moving forward, she will have no doubt that you absolutely mean what you say.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Sounds like you are the only one who wants to remain married.
Has your WW made any effort to to work on saving the marriage?
If it is all up to you, I see no problem in telling the wife of her boyfriend (so she can understand him better) and then go 180 / grey rock and see if she makes any effort to end her affair. Your wife needs to be working with you...is she?

PS "one last conversation", or "closure" is sex.

PPS Most Holiday Ins that I have been in lately barely have a cheap ass breakfast room, let alone a bar.

S68,

You wrote, I am also going to contact the OBS. He claims his wife doesn't understand him...well she will understand him a whole lot better soon.

OM has likely said this to the last 5 OW he had affairs with, it's so cliche that the fact that your WW fell for this line is almost as bad as the affair itself.

My guess is that the OMW has endured years of knowing instinctively what is going on, but no one has had the decency to tell her, be that guy I thank you for that.

Gather your evidence and present it to her.

If he is her boss or in some position of authority bust him to HR.

Sorry you are back here.

You already brought up NC. I'd have a conversation like yesterday and give her five seconds to do an NC call on speaker phone with you present to hear the conversation.

Same old line from the Cheater's Handbook....my BS doesn't understand me so I have to go screw someone outside of our marriage.

Contacting the OBS will shine a light on the affair and without a doubt he will dump your wife in a nano second.

How long has the affair been going on?

Hi Sisyphus,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in this situation. Please know that none of this is your fault.

Shock and awe are your two best friends right now. Your next step should absolutely be to contact OBS (other betrayed spouse - the OM's wife) immediately and without warning to your wife. I imagine that will put an immediate end to the cheap hotel rendezvous (a lot of men in affairs drop their AP's as soon as their wife finds out). Telling OBS on D-day before my husband and the OW had a chance to compares stories was the single best move I made on D-day.

Your wife needs to understand that there are consequences for her decisions right now.

I told her this was not what I signed up for, that it was totally unacceptable and unless she agreed to have absolutely no contact with him whatsoever, that I would have no choice but to file for divorce. Of course she agreed. But she did not send a NC text or have the joint NC call that I required...so I have no reason to believe it has stopped. So i am preparing for part 2 of the D-day discussion. Again demanding NC with OP and sending the NC text or having NC call

I’m with Farside and Mickeybill. She’s been told what you need. This conversation has not slipped her mind. You promised her consequences, if you don’t follow through you’re left in a weakened position. Tell OBS. Separate your finances and consult a lawyer. Start moving out of infidelity. She’s not a child, if she wants to save this the first steps are not some unknowable enigma.

She continued to cheat,after you confronted her.

You now know she is having sex with him.

A NC message won't matter. She's told him you're trying to make her send one, so if he gets one,he's to ignore it.

He will get her a burner phone.

Don't tell your wife that you are calling his wife. Don't message her...he knows you know,and will intercept that message.

Don't call his adult children. The OW contacted my adult daughter. It was cruel,and unnecessary. You have the obs contact info...that's enough.

You ate employing what I call the "security-guard approach ". Stop it or I'll be forced to say stop it again. You ask on your post, "what's wrong with me that...". I think this is the key question. It's not that you ate attracting these types of women (passive), but that you ate attracted to these types of women (active). It's not something that is happening in to you, but a cycle you are engaged in, and it behooves you to explore the deep, subconscious drivers that keep you stuck in this cycle.

It took me a long time to recognize the unhealthy patterns in my life and address them. What helped is seeking outside advice, usually from IC or brutally honest friends. Physician, heal thyself stuff don't wash. It's the outside perspective that is ofte so helpful. It took me a long time to recognize patterns in myself, and even longer to come up with strategies to deal with them.

Looking in,I'd say that you have taught your WW how to treat you. I'm not saying that you are to blame for her infidelity, but that you have conditioned her to expect a certain behaviour from you. Dogs always run to the end of their chains, so to speak. People treat us as we allow them to.

The hard truth is that you should file without warning and mean it. Period. End stop.

If after 6-12 months, you see improvement, and I mean moving heaven and earth movement, then pause the process. If not, you are ahead of the game. As well,I would ask if you have any strong, confident mrn in your life that can help you. Iron sharpens iron, so they say.

You can go into your wireless account and block his number. It does not have to be done on her phone. I did it in my VW account to block the OW as I feared she would call my children out of anger after my H went no contact with her.

And definitely the OM’s wife should be informed.

I’m sorry you are facing infidelity. Just know it’s not you that causes someone to cheat. They cheat in spite of you and that is just not something you can predict.

I married my H b/c he was not a player. He was an honest guy who has principles. Until he became very successful and women started throwing themselves at him. First was a 4 year EA. Second was his mid life crisis affair. And in between I believe there were a number of well hidden EAs.

His issues. Not mine.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:42 AM, Saturday, June 24th]

Sisyphuhus

What you are doing is comparable to sending the Jack Daniels distillery a threatening letter to let them know you will tell everyone that your alcoholic wife is buying their products.

Yes – tell OMW. Definitely.
But don’t tell her and OM and expect THAT to be enough. The real problem is not that OM meets your wife, but that your WIFE MEETS OM.

Your actions should be more based on the following:
"Wife – I have made a great realization: I can’t prevent you from sneaking behind my back and meeting other men. What I can do is refuse to partake in infidelity. Since I can’t stop you my only resource is to end this marriage.
From now on you are totally free to hang out with any man you want. The only restraint I place is that you don’t do it in our home. You can date OM, have sex with OM, meet up at bars with OM… WHATEVER you want. But not as my wife.

Until and unless you tell me in a very clear way that you have completely ended the infidelity and are willing to accept the conditions I require to convince me that’s so then I’m simply assuming you are in infidelity and I am ending our marriage.

It takes time, there is a process. There isn’t much need for us to talk about anything since it’s best an attorney sees to it being done right."

And then you just walk away. Don’t take part in ANY discussion on why she "had" to cheat or who gets the house and the cat. You have said what needs to be done – now you start doing it. You can pace yourself in accordance to her responses and actions.

Yes, tell OBS as everyone is saying. You can also meet with a lwyer and make that clear to WW. Filing for D is usually not expensive, but of course getting a D with the two sides battling is expensive in lawyer fees. If she sees you talking to lawyers it escalates the impact. Plus it gives you information about what a potential D will look like. This approach is viable even if you prefer to R, as it can get you out of infidelity or at a minimum, prepare you for a D if it goes that way.

Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions. I truly appreciate it. And I agree i have to move to consequences and the determination to follow through (admittedly my weak link). I've gathered my evidence and will contact the OBS with no warning. Then i will have the f/u conversation with WW and lay down my intent to divorce if I don't have her commitment to end the infidelity...no contact call with me present, transparency regarding phone discussion of how to rebuild trust and recommit with couple counselor. Before that I will reach out to my attorney to prepare to file should she not agree to this. it's taken time for me to get the willpower and I must be ready to walk the walk. it sucks but I want out of infidelity and if that means out of the marriage so be it.

Again thanks for all of your thoughts and support...it truly means a lot to me to know I'm not alone and have a community that wants the best for me whatever that happens to look like.

Then i will have the f/u conversation with WW and lay down my intent to divorce if I don't have her commitment to end the infidelity...no contact call with me present, transparency regarding phone discussion of how to rebuild trust and recommit with couple counselor.

Why are you giving your WW a role in how your life progresses? Why are you giving her power over your life?

A better option would be that you tell your WW that you will be heading thataway, and if she wants to, she can follow you but has to agree to YOUR rules/boundaries. If she cannot handle those rules/boundaries, then she can make the decision to not follow you on the amazing path you will be taking for YOURSELF.

You are letting your WW hold your life hostage by waiting for her decision to commit or not.