SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Post history - H had a history of being unfaithful that completely blindsided me several years ago. We decided to try and R. Since 2019 we have both been to IC, MC, marriage retreats you name it we did it. Have open phone/technology policy - life 360 on at all times.

It was an excruciating painful journey - he was so remorseful. He’s been a wonderful husband during R.

Today I receive a FB message from what is obviously a fake account. It is from OBS - he was respectful and kind and proceed to inform me my H has been having an affair with his W. He said he would send the evidence/proof if I wanted. So I told him yes please send me everything you have, and boy did he have a lot. Pictures, the messages threads everything. Absolute undeniable proof right in my face.

Meanwhile while this is occurring my WH is in his home office conducting meetings, acting completely normal. There were absolutely NO red flags this time!! We are in a new home, we purchased a vacation home this year, we have had such good marital communication and relationship.

My greatest fear has happened, just when I was feeling like we overcame what was intended to tear us apart he had the audacity to do it again KNOWING the hurt and devastation it would cause. It is hard to know that my marriage is over. It is definitely over - I told him previously there will be no more chances. I have to stand by that or I will lose all of my self respect.

Has anyone else been in this horrible place? I don’t want to confront him right now. I do have a job and I have been saving money and becoming more independent. The kids are older and more self sufficient so at least those are positives. I want to meet with an attorney and have everything ready when I confront - I see it going something like here’s my proof and here is the proposed separation agreement. I’m going to give you the weekend while we go to the 2nd home to gather your things and find a place to live. I don’t expect or want you here when we return. I’m not as emotional as the first time we went through this. It’s still so humiliating to offer someone a chance and them to deceive you in such a horrible way - shows what he truly thinks of me and our marriage. Please say a prayer it’s going to be a difficult summer and not at all the one I envisioned my family having.

So very sorry you find yourself here again with repeat infidelity. Sending you strength. Your approach is good. See an attorney and have that separation agreement ready for him. I would advise not to engage or to argue. There is nothing he can say. You need to heal and take care of you. Keep moving forward with as little contact as possible. This is just my opinion, but his cheating again has nothing to do with you or your M. He is supremely selfish and this is what he wants to do. And he wants to act like the faithful H. Don’t bother trying to understand his lack of character. Take care of you. Good luck.

Thank you Far East! This forum is a lifesaver. I am saying nothing to anyone about what I have learned today. I believe it will cause me to become emotional and not execute the plan I know I need to move forward with.

I am going to have to busy myself to avoid conversation and eye contact because it will be written all over my face. I feel like I’ve been married to a complete stranger for 20+ years. The first infidelity I had compassion and knew things in our relationship weren’t ideal. This time not the case at all. I was just feeling secure in our marriage again. I’m so thankful to the OBS. I don’t think this A has been going on very long, few months maybe but even thinking of another affair is a dealbreaker after all the work and hurt we’ve been through. It just stinks so bad.

I had this. First time was an EA with "just a kiss". I was devastated and while we did seek MC in hindsight I realise he tried to rugsweep and I just got angry.

After about five years (where I suffered depression and weight gain) I actually thought I had reached acceptance and was past the pain.

Until AP3 reached out to tell me of their 3 year affair. In the massive fallout I found out about AP2 which was a 4.5 year affair complete with ILy’s etc. AP2 was a one night stand who was a complete nut job who harassed and threatened him for years and finally turned all of that "positive " energy into me. I needed to involve police and lawyers to get her to stop.

Writing this out now it seems unbelievable that we are in R. I have never been so broken for so long. How he could do it again remains beyond me. The level of selfishness and brokenness is off the scale. I now know how broken he was and it was only years IC for both of us, MC, NC by him and a complete turnaround in behaviour by him that we are here now. That included instantly not only blocking but changing numbers, no social media ever, location sharing, retirement, moving states all at his instigation.

I still wonder how we are here now. I still mourn the complete loss of innocence and blind trust.

I post this so you know you have been heard. I know when you say you aren’t as emotional as before. Use this time because if you are anything like me I become almost completely incapacitated with grief for months and then the rage hit…..

In hindsight I wish I was more organised and gave myself more space to think. I did the hysterical pick me and I still feel humiliated about it.

Whatever the outcome know you are worthy and did nothing wrong. His brokenness is ALL on him.

I am sorry this happened to you. Serial cheaters never change, especially those that are sex addicts.

I hope you get out of this nightmare as soon as possible and find strength and happiness in your life. My prayers with you.

I’m so sorry hopefulwife. You deserve so much better.
My WH had an A in 2012, we did so good during R; we did all the things, IC, MC, retreats. Then 10.5 years later - Dec. 26, 2022 he had an EA with a woman who he’s known his whole life - they grew up together, his family and her family were very close friends. I considered her a friend! Such a BETRAYAL. I’m 6 months out from that devastating period - in many ways I’m still in shock, still grieving, still angry, I’m back in IC , he’s in IC - I was so blindsided. But not surprised I guess. She’s completely cut out of our lives and i let the whole entire family know what they were up to. We have been married 27 years! I thought she was our friend!! I feel humiliated and stupid - but logically I know that that’s NOT my shame. The shame and humiliation and embarrassment belongs to my WH and the OW.
Reconciliation is such a GIFT. And then the wayward gets comfortable and the shitting on the marriage and relationship commences.
Some days I know where my head is, some days I’m drowning.
Do you think the OBS will tell the AP that he told you about the affair? If the AP knows you know, she’s likely going to let your WH know.
It’s awful that us BS’s mentally prepare for what they’ll do should this day come again for us. I’m sorry you find yourself here again. I don’t know what else to offer except words of kindness, encouragement, and I’ll definitely say a prayer for you. My heart goes out to you.

BB

Thank you knockedforsix for your response. I’m glad that you are on the other side of this nightmare. Early in R, I made a list of what would need to be done should it ever happen again and that included a promise to never allow myself to be treated so disrespectfully.

He has serious issues to be able to be this fun loving, remorseful, caring person at home and be the complete such a smooth talking ladies man when it suits him. At least he didn’t lie to the OW - he was very upfront about his "situation" and the importance of a discreet relationship. I mean the intention of those words alone. And it wasn’t situational he was seeking on a dating site - yep OBS sent all of that too and the messages from the app. All the messages with the pics he so willingly shared of himself in our home, our house, our vehicles and of course his nudes. I can’t believe a successful professional adult acts like such a horny teenager.

I am just so done and have lost all the respect I had gained for him. Just gone in an instant. He can go chase all the women he wants soon. I just feel bad for the kids, they have a good relationship with him. I don’t know that I want to share all of this with them, I will just tell him he can give the answers to the why. Ugh I’m going to stay positive and keep up the charade until I have a meeting with the attorney next week.

LurkingSoul thank you for the reply. Unfortunately you are correct. This time I can walk away with peace of mind knowing that gave it my all and it just didn’t work.

Blackbird25 - thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story. It’s unfortunate that this is what we all have in common.

I can be thankful that I didn’t spent more years with him before he went back to his old ways.

OBS and I have been messaging on FB. He has not confronted his W. I asked if he was willing to wait until I had my ish together but would understand if he couldn’t. Right now that is the plan to confront at or close to the same date/time. He has access to the account they are using to communicate and of course there are still chatting away. He did say if he confronts he will not let her know he has contacted me and I believe him. I believe this is the W first time or first time being caught I should say. So he is not in the best place. I let him know this wasn’t my first rodeo but it was defiantly the last

I let him know about SI and all the wonderful wisdom and support when he’s ready and to be sure not to let his WW know about this site. That is one thing I am thankful I kept to myself. He knew I had an online forum for support but that I preferred to have privacy here. He likely doesn’t even remember that conversation.

On the bright side - he was promoted into a new role 2 years ago and is making way more income than I ever thought was possible - I will be looking forward to the alimony he will certainly be required to pay for many years to come and I won’t feel an ounce of guilt over it!

I’m sure the significant increase in his salary led to entitlement to extramarital relationships. Such a waste

HopefulWife,

I’m so sorry he betrayed you again. I’m wondering if his promotion and success leads him to believe that you won’t leave because of the money.

Stay strong. Your kids will need you.

I told my husband that if this ever happens again, I will file immediately, and he can explain it all to the kids and relatives - because I will loudly let them all know exactly who he is and what he has done. I’m in a little different situation than you are.

Remember to take care of yourself.

So sorry you had to find us. Please check out the Healing Library and pinned posts at the top of the forum.

After dday1, I said that I would take my time to decide whether to R or D. Hard boundary was any inappropriate sexual contact with another person would be automatic D. It took him 18 months to fail, but I was almost at v the point where I realized he wasn't working on changing to be a safe partner.

I stand by my word. I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary.

One difference is that we didn't work on R for as long as you did. Second, I made 2x the money he did for the last 20 years.

You know what? I'm so much happier now. Took about 3 years to get here, but I'd rather be single than married to XWH.

I am going to have to busy myself to avoid conversation and eye contact because it will be written all over my face.

When you can't just stay busy and you have to face him, remember what an incredible show he's put on for you and match that vibe. Be "happy" and "supportive" in front of him...and know that the anvil will fall soon enough. And it has been so earned by him.

I'm so, so sorry he is continuing to chose himself, his own brokenness and his own destruction.

(((Hugs to you)))

Sorry you are here - mine did it again 8 years after the first affair and.I have gone straight to divorce. I don't think he thought I really would go through with it.

Just be prepared for him to turn it all to being your own fault and to not be such a supportive model spouse when it comes to hard cash. You soon see the real them then!

Good luck, you can do this!

Hopefulwife, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I have just lived this same scenario with my STBXW a year ago (9 years between D-Days, with likely far more than I know about in between).

I know exactly what you are feeling now; the incredulousness, the emptiness, feeling stupid for trusting them, and amazement at the sheer gall. All of it.

While it is of small comfort, at least now you know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the person you hoped against hope he wasn't after the first affair. They are truly broken people with no redemption arc, take solace in that.

I'm not a champion of the usual cheerleading regarding financial splits in the case of no-fault states/countries, but in this instance, take him to the wall.

For unrepentant cheaters, usually finances (and the corresponding restrictions that will entail to their usual largesse/life they are accustommed to) is the only consequence they understand.

Post as often as you need.

Wow, I'm so so sorry.

You are doing the right thing by holding the information to your chest while you get your ducks in a row.

I hope you have a shark attorney who will fight to get you everything you deserve.

Sending a virtual hug....

I am so sorry you have to be back here. My STBXH also cheated twice, but different circumstances. He had a weekend long essentially ONS when we had been dating for 2 months. I agreed to try and work it out in part bc we had been long distance at the time and, like yours, he did all the things I would expect from a remorseful partner. 17 years later he tells me he's been having a year+ long affair with a COW. I immediately told him to leave, not that he wasn't planning that anyway, and proceeded to get a separation agreement drafted.

I can't even express how glad I am that I did what I did. I have gained a measure of self-respect through the act of not letting a person treat me that way ever again. In retrospect, I should not have forgiven the first instance of cheating, but I know now that I would never forgive it again. Cheating is a character issue and I don't believe character can be changed, at least without a ridiculous amount of work.

HW,

I’m in it again as well. I’m still in limbo assessing everything. I discovered him and sat on it for a while. I did not follow through with my own imposed ultimatum because I am not working anymore and he is actually doing different things this time like going to IC.

This community is a lifesaver.

Get your ducks all in a row including copies of all financials.

You got this!❤️

You sound very wise and strong. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this place. You have a great plan in place. The best advice I could give is do not wait…. Go straight to attorney asap.

I, too had a 2nd dday 17 years later!!! Same thing he was very remorseful, did IC, read books, marriage retreats, etc. We were on a good path until we weren’t about 3 years ago. Also starting making more $, got large ego, and was drinking ALOT. Bam.

So we are in the middle of divorcing. I can not wait to be on the other side. I wasted too much time because I could not believe he would do all this AGAIN! But when you have proof you can not unsee it. I was in denial for a bit (even w proof) and regret it so much.

Just keep marching forward. I also told him if there were ever lies or betrayal, that is it. So I had to stand by my word. DONE. Breaking up the family is soul crushing (even tho kids are adults) but losing him will be finding ME!

And yes he will blame you, gaslight, and spin shit. Keep your wits about you and run, do not walk.

Here for you!

* update* Thank you all for you wisdom and kind words. I am truly thankful for each and every one of you taking time out of your day to offer support and words of wisdom!

I had a consultation with 3 attorneys yesterday and paid a retainer for the one that I felt most comfortable with. A drafted separation agreement is being composed as we speak and I should have it in my hands no later than Wednesday.

I asked OBS to forward and further messages he felt would be helpful in divorce proceedings and he has done so. They are still messaging back and forth completely oblivious to the storm that is coming for them. I am enjoying that a bit too much. I believe it is the feeling of satisfaction that I cannot wait for you to know what it feels like to have a rug snatched out from under you so quickly it makes your head spin knowing you no longer get to choose what happens next. Honestly can’t wait to see the look on his face. My attorney has all of the latest correspondence between the two and he is going to print out a few pages and have it ready with the separation agreement. OBS is having consult with attorney on Monday.

This time I don’t care about the outcome. Am I sad and hurt, absolutely. I am also resolved and indifferent and most of all disappointed. There is nothing he can say or do that would cause me to want to salvage this marriage that he has decided deconstruct for several years now. I believe he thinks I will never leave him over his infidelities due to security and place high standard of living. He still sees me as weak minded and dependent on what he is able to provide. Sure we have have nice house, travel, nice cars but he has also provided me with a lovely anxiety disorder, low self esteem, depression, anger, and lots of sadness. I feel more peace now than I have in many years. No more wondering what he’s up to even on a good day, I am just done.

I will update as I am able to - please continue to share your wisdom and similar experiences they are more helpful than you can imagine!!

I feel more peace now than I have in many years. No more wondering what he’s up to even on a good day, I am just done.

Everything in that statement leads me to believe you have reached the point of indifference. Good for you!!!

….. he has also provided me with a lovely anxiety disorder, low self esteem, depression, anger, and lots of sadness.

This part makes me sad though - he dragged you through false R and left you a shell of your former self. But I have a feeling that you are gaining your footing, you’re a LOT stronger than you have been probably in years! Tables are turned and he will now get to experience what it’s like to have your whole world blow up around you. You are such a strong lady - but there will be moments where you don’t feel strong. In those instances, please come here to post your rants, to vent and rage - I know we’re all internet strangers, but we all came here for the sole purpose of getting ourselves out of infidelity so we’re here to support you in that endeavor!! Wishing you the very best!! Please let us know how confrontation goes. We are here to support you through that!!