SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

he has also provided me with a lovely anxiety disorder, low self esteem, depression, anger, and lots of sadness.

He doesn't provide you with or determine your self-esteem - only you determine your self-esteem.

From what I can tell, your self-esteem should be soaring high.

You have lived true to your spouse, your children, your marriage, and most importantly, yourself.

Living authentically and true to your values and principle is what determines your self-esteem.

It's not determined by how someone else treats you or their opinions of you.

What he has done has nothing to do with you - nor does it say anything about you.

What he has done ONLY speaks of him, his shitty values, and his own shitty self-esteem.

It has nothing to do with you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Exactly.

Excellent point KeptMyWord.

As the result if my H’s affair and plan to D me I was at Rock bottom. Self esteem and everything else disappeared. Non existent.

But what changed six months later was his LAST attempt to D me on dday2. I finally had enough. I finally was pushed to the edge. I recognized that I had a choice - him or me. And I chose me.

I chose to put myself first and not be subjected to another second of infidelity or lies or whatever was going on with him. Smartest mice I made.

I took back all the power and stopped letting him make the decisions in our marriage. Dday2 he learned he pushed me too far.

Don’t let others ruin your life with their crappy behavior and lack of respect. It’s times like that I learned to turn my back and put myself first.

Hope you're doing OK! I've been thinking about you and I hope you are on the road out of infidelity however that looks for you.

Take care and update when you can!

[This message edited by childofcheater at 5:12 AM, Thursday, July 13th]

Please check in!

I pray you are on the right path out of the nightmare your husband has put you through twice.

Please update...everything going okay?

**Update**

First, I want to thank you all for your kind words and encouragement! I don’t know that I would have the strength to do what must be done without your support and love so I thank each and every one of you for that!

Second, apologies for not updating earlier. It has been a whirlwind since being contact by the OBS. I needed to stay focused on each step that needed to occur to get myself out of this mess.

I went and had several consultations with divorce attorneys, quietly and discreetly. I prayed that I would find the right one for me and my situation. I needed an attorney to tell me like it is vs what I want to hear. I choose a firm that has an excellent reputation. I showed the all of the proof gave our marital history and what I would like to see happen going forward. Due to the length of the marriage I am entitled to alimony for a number of years, initially I was conflicted about this. My attorney stated bluntly at my age I will need this support to begin a new life, one where I won’t struggle. I will also receive child support even if we have 50-50 custody, which is my preference. I have no desire to tear apart his relationship with our children. The breakdown is between us and am doing my best to keep their best interest first and foremost and mine a close second. Several days later I had a draft of the initial separation proposal. I sent back a few edits and 2 days later I had the final draft.

I sat on the final draft for a few days waiting for a time when the kids wouldn’t be home but WH would be. The kids were off to various activities for the day, WH began his workday. I went to his home office with a stack of paper. I stated I needed him to review everything and let me know if he had any questions and walked out. Leading up to this I felt I wanted some big confrontation but when the moment came I wanted none of that. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to argue over, nothing cleft to salvage. WH then comes upstairs in a complete panic wanted to discuss the bomb I had handed him 30 minutes prior. I was packing everyone’s bags to head to the vacation home. I simply stated I am not discussing it further. He can retain an attorney as I did and any communication regarding the dissolution of our marriage can be discussed between them. I let him know until it is worked out who will stay in the marital home and who will be leaving that I would be at the vacation home with our children. They can certainly come back here to see him/stay but I will not be sleeping under the same roof with him again.

Shortly after I loaded the car and left to pick up the kids. I let them know we were going on extended holiday. I have not told them that we are divorcing, yet. I want to be able to provide more information before their world as they currently know it is blown to pieces. Things like who will be living where. So that’s it for now, I’m at our 2nd home sipping a cup of coffee and looking out at the Atlantic and for the first time in many many years I am at peace. I know it seems like I have it all together but I can assure you I’ve cried and been angry during all of this. I do believe I grieved the loss of my marriage many years ago and somewhere in the back of my mind knew this was how it would end. Again thank you everyone and I’ll keep you updated as I move along in this journey. I supposed I will update in the Divorce forum from here on out

I'm so sorry this is the way it ended for you Hopeful. It sounds like it went about as well as it could go. Did he have anything to say at all? Or does not know the reason behind the papers (i.e. you know he's cheating?). I'm glad for once he got the gut punch instead of you. Small comfort I know.

Childofcheater, I placed most, not all of the proof I obtained from OBS on top of the separation agreement. He wanted to "discuss" everything which I have no interest in. There is no plausible reason for his continued pattern of behavior and have no desire to discuss any of his behavior. I supposed be thought it would be a repeat of what occurred previously when I wanted to learn the who what when where and the why. This time none of that matters because I am done. I want to move forward and never have to wonder what my spouse may or may not be doing when not in his physical presence.

I so admire your steady resolve. I am sure it is still extremely painful though, we all know that pain and is deep
Your H sounds very similar to mine. The affair completely blindsided me, 20 years into marriage. Very good Marriage prior to the affair.
I am a year into R and he is the model husband as well. We initially had trickle truth but I have the complete story at this point. My H is so remorseful and I do feel like it is genuine. Our communication is so much better and he’s much more in tune with family life.
Honestly your situation is my worst fear. But hearing how well you are handling things gives me hope that if this is me in three years I can handle it too. I know I would have the same response as you have. I could not give another chance and would probably handle it the same way. Really what is there to talk about? Get my ducks in a row and say I am done. Big hugs and you are doing great. Enjoy being at your beach home. My happy place.

Hopefulwife2019 I’m so sorry it came to this.
You’re so right - there’s no plausible explanation for why he chose to do this to you again. It takes such courage to stick to your word - when you said never again, you absolutely meant that. Sounds like your WH was absolutely FLOORED when you handed him all that. Hopefully OBS did the same exact thing to his WW.
I’m happy you are enjoying the beautiful ocean view in your home. Take time to do some self care. You’ve been through A LOT, it’s traumatic, painful and you’re allowed to feel all those feelings - cry, vent, rage, scream. The goal was to get you OUT of infidelity and this is the path. I wish you the very best, you deserve happiness.

BB

I have been checking in on your "story" (sorry I know it sounds like a fun thing to read - and I clearly know it's not a story any of us ever wanted so my apologies for making it sounds less than it is) and I am so glad to see you are coming out on the other side of this mess in the best emotional position I think is possible - which is not all roses for now but there is a lot better to come and you can feel it this time.

Something you said struck me as accurate for me too:

He wanted to "discuss" everything which I have no interest in. There is no plausible reason for his continued pattern of behavior and have no desire to discuss any of his behavior. I supposed be thought it would be a repeat of what occurred previously when I wanted to learn the who what when where and the why. This time none of that matters because I am done. I want to move forward and never have to wonder what my spouse may or may not be doing when not in his physical presence.

I have not had a new affair happen (that I know of) but I did have false R for a year with the same AP, and there was all of the emotional bargaining and everything else during that time period, but now, I know (and my WH knows) I am in the same place as you are above. If there was even a hint of another A I would feel precisely as you do now. It's almost like a combination of losing the emotional energy to even consider dealing with him if that were to happen and just being so done with all the affair-related nonsense...in other words being with my WH isn't worth it to me if I were to have to deal with one more moment of infidelity unrelated to what happened in the past.

My WH said something to me indicating how I had changed since the A and the false-R bullshit, and it was clear he knew in that moment that things would never be the same - there would never be another "chance" were another A/renewed A to happen - that I would walk away and never look back. I think in response to his comment I said something along the lines of: "You kicked the living shit out of my care and compassion and consideration for your whys and hows and whatever brought you to allow yourself to behave the way you did every day that you lied to me and continued your A when you swore it was over. All of that consideration is just gone from me now and it's not coming back."

How different is this from how you felt at time #1? Congratulate yourself on becoming a stronger, better version of yourself. Really. Getting to indifference isn't just about how you feel about your WS, it's about how you feel about you. You are BACK - let yourself smile a bit about that.

***EDIT - by the way, it's taken you less than 3 weeks to go from being "at a complete loss" to having and executing a plan. I'm so glad you aren't giving it any more of your time than necessary. And, as I'm sure you have, please thank the OBS for sharing (and if you have a moment and see a question where people are asking if they should tell the OBS share your story here). When the OBS informs, it truly is, as someone here said years ago "a horrible act of kindness."

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:19 PM, Monday, July 17th]

Thank you to all who have responded today!

During the day I’m spending time with the kids. During the day I feel "normal" Nights are the hardest, when the house is quiet and I’m alone with my thoughts. The mornings, I feel stronger and resolved. I’m taking things a day at a time and letting my attorney handle the things that are kid related. Just trying to enjoy the calm before the storm of the kids finding out.

I will update as I’m able to and I cannot thank you all enough for your support, encouragement and the kick to the pants when needed!! I’m getting out of infidelity ladies and gentlemen and it feels good…. Most of the time!

Let me commend you on your forward progress!

Something I notice in your posts is that they are mainly focused on your own thoughts, actions, progress, emotions. Your soon-to-be-ex is usually a byline in your commentary. IMO, this is a real reflection of your detachment from him and your focus on your own healing journey. That's awesome!

I know your path has been filled with plenty of pain and that they'll be more to come, but I celebrate your progress and your resolve. Keep moving put of the pain of infidelity!

He wanted to "discuss" everything which I have no interest in. There is no plausible reason for his continued pattern of behavior and have no desire to discuss any of his behavior. I supposed be thought it would be a repeat of what occurred previously when I wanted to learn the who what when where and the why. This time none of that matters because I am done. I want to move forward and never have to wonder what my spouse may or may not be doing when not in his physical presence.

My STBXH's As occurred 17 years apart, but I felt exactly as you did when I found out about the second one. I was DONE. Being so completely done, I don't have much interest in where he is, what he's doing, or how he's doing.

I hate that this happened to you, but I love the way you are handling it. Now its his turn to tailspin.

I was just turning in for the night, nights are hardest you guys. Being alone with my thoughts. I’ve read all of your words of encouragement and support and it does truly mean so so much and provides strength to get me through the hardest times.

I don’t want my daughters to have husbands that repeatedly cheat. I don’t want my son to be a cheater. I also don’t want my children to be in my shoes. Lord forbid if they find themselves there I certainly don’t want them giving chance after chance at the expense of their physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. My resolve on this last DDay has come from wanting to setting an example for each of them. No matter the years, the memories, the children, the finances they deserve better..I deserve better. All of us deserve better.

That is what is getting me through knowing I need and want to be an example of self respect to my children. They will know I forgave repeatedly and gave all I could and that while I loved their dad with my whole heart I had to love myself more and just be done. I pray for each of you going through this to have strength, courage, and wisdom in this awful journey. May you take the path that leads to peace. I am on my way, it just looks different than I expected. Goodnight to you all.

It does get better. It took me about a year of being in my new place to realize I was feeling peace and contentment. I started humming along with the radio when it hit me that I was happy for the first time in a long time.

I wanted to wish you the best. Please focus on your healing and then enjoy your life to the fullest. Being with a serial cheater is like having a sword hanging over your head.

I am not sure how old your kids are and how much you can share. But I hope you give them a gist of what happened over the years so they do realize that you did your best and the decision to separate did not come easy.

I doubt your WH is capable of reflecting back on what he has done. If not the conscience, I hope the dent in his wealth hits him hard.

You sound like a wonderful mother who is showing her children what it looks like to try your best and demonstrate the courage it takes to recognize that you can only do so much. Sometimes strength is leaving and forging a new healthy path. I really hope your WH recognizes this is all 💯 on him and doesn't make things difficult for you and the kids. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and SI is here for both the lows and the highs with you!