SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I searched several marriage groups,from various platforms, just seeking help and advice. My issue is long and messy. Possibly too confusing. I just would like some outside opinions and advice as well as support. My Issue: Several years back, my now Ex-Husband met a woman. Started an affair. I found out after coming home a day early (sick) from a work retreat and catching them, literally in the act. In our bed. Needless to say I left him. We shared a 3 year old daughter, so I had to eventually have contact with him. It was so hard, he was I thought, my soul mate. I thought he really loved me. For weeks he would try and contact me, show up at my work. I just couldn't bare seeing him. Weeks later he and I finally sat and talked.

He told me he never meant to hurt me. He loved me, but he had fallen into love with this other woman. He was confused as to how he could be in love with two women.

When my marriage ended I was devastated. I was depressed. I hid it well from family and friends. I always put on a strong face. I threw myself into running marathons. I spent the time alone when my daughter was with her Dad, crying and working obsessively. I ended up meeting a man. It was amazing for a year, then he became pure evil.

He became physically abusive. Severely. He would beat me, every day. I was hospitalized several times and had to tell my Ex husband that I could not meet for pick up of our daughter because I was sick, or working.

My daughter became old enough to notice that I was bruised and started telling her father. The final straw was I had my daughter for a weekend, my fiancee became upset, he beat me with my daughter in the next room, so badly that he had me rushed to the ER. My Ex of course was notified and arrived to retrieve our daughter. I was put into a coma to prevent brain swelling. I was hospitalized for months. I was in that relationship because he was a rebound to my failed marriage. I was so depressed. I didn't want to live anymore. I felt so low and disgusted with myself, unlovable I felt I deserved to be beat.

I ended up leaving the that relationship and I sought help with depression and domestic violence. I've been single and doing so much better.

My ExHusband and I have become friends. We Co-Parent well. He amd I took our daughter to Stockholm to see her grandparents. I met him there, I had never been before. It's his hometown, I stayed in a hotel. He and our daughter stayed with family.

It's been years. We are older now! We often talk about my past with my Abusive Ex. But for the first time my Ex Husband told me that a conversation he had with my abuser, may have triggered the abuse. He stayed with the other woman a couple years. But the whole time, he knew he made a mistake. He was still in love with me. He attempted to tell me a few times, but didn't. He told a friend how he felt about me, that friend told my then abusive boyfriend, and they actually got in a fight. A physical fight, over what my Husband was saying. My Ex husband admitted he knew or at least suspected that he was hitting me. He said he saw the bruises and our daughter would tell him things.

He and I have been having long conversations often. I consider him a friend. Its been years. I am a different person now.

I am talking about all of this because I dont know how to handle this situation I'm in now. Which is. I slipped and had sex with my Ex-Husband. It happened after a night of us as usual drinking and talking. It was the first time I had sex in many years so obviously, I'm not on birth control. It was irresponsible, I felt guilty right away. I don't know why. He was all for it! He was very aggressive, or maybe it was in my mind. He didn't seem to care about me not being on any form of birth control. The sex was INCREDIBLE but It left me confused. Ashamed of myself. Also worried if he could have gotten me pregnant.

My Ex-husband is now saying he's in love with me. He wants me to be his. He has been sending flowers, when we talk he tells me he wants to make love again. He's crazy about me. He misses me.

I told him I dont want a relationship. I've been single for so long. I dont think I can be in another relationship.

He became upset saying. I knew that he's been in love with me. I made him fall in love more by having sex. He's confused and doesn't understand why I do not want to try for more.

He has changed, he is a much better man. It's not even because of our divorce and him cheating. Its been years, I've accepted that he fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else. I cannot control his heart.

It's my abuser. He killed me from the inside. I feel worthless and ugly and not deserving of any man. Forcing sex on me when he wanted. I never felt loved by him. He would always tell me, he can see why my husband left me for another woman. Always throwing it in my face. Comparing me to her. Because she is very pretty.

My trust of men has been destroyed. And so is my judgement. I dont know what to do about my Ex-Husband. I have been so hurt and betrayed by men. I tell myself I'm just better off alone. I keep thinking he just wants sex, nothing more from me. He left me before he will leave again. So many negative thoughts funneling through my mind.

How can he have feelings for me after so many years, he fell out of love with me. But after one sex encounter he's fallen back into love? He says sex twice. He says he feels used, because I knew how he felt.

He came to me today, invited me to spend the holiday weekend with him and our daughter at his house. He and our daughter has plans to go boating on Lake Michigan. Fireworks on the Lake and cooking. If I say no. I feel like I am letting my daughter down. I have noticed she seems to suspect something between her father and I. She gets so excited to have him and I together. I think he has been telling her things.

Am I wrong to be so hesitant? Am I letting my pain cheat me out of possibly reconciling with my Ex? Or am I wise to push him away. Mentally I'm such a mess, I just think horribly of myself.

I'm not unattractive. I'm Fit, I am attractive so I'm told. I don't know if I should go to his house or say no, risk making my daughter upset. Or if I say yes, I end up reinvesting in a relationship and it falls apart again. Then I couldn't forgive myself if I out myself in that situation again. Is it even appropriate to be sleeping at my Ex husband's house, after we had a one night stand.

I just need some advice. Thank You.

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. You may find some of the pinned posts in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum helpful, especially the ones that discuss recovery. The Healing Library has a lot of great information,including a list of the acronyms we use.

I mention the pinned posts because it sounds like you need to recover from your abusive ex first. You may benefit from seeing a trauma specialist. The IC (individual counselor) can work with you to get your confidence back and to help you not feel broken inside. I suggest you heal first, then maybe decide on a relationship. If your XWH understand and supports you through this, then maybe he has changed. If he gets upset at you for taking care of yourself, you may want to question his motives.

Hi I am sorry about what has happened to you. I am not sure what you should do about your ex, my gut feeling is him pushing you so hard to reconcile is a form of abuse. If you say please give me space does he continue to push? Not taking no for an answer is not respecting your boundaries and maybe you are recognising this? Hence your reluctance.

Have you tried Emdr for the trauma you have incurred?
There is a book called love yourself like your life depends on it. It may seem a bit crazy but it really works. I recommend reading it and completing the tasks.

Thank You. I will look into it

Agree with leafields and Abcd89 , you need to heal from the abuse you suffered. Telling your Ex that you need to do that first before you can consider any reconciliation, because right now you are too damaged to have a healthy relationship with anyone nevertheless someone that has already betrayed you. If he is truly a better person, he should understand and be willing to give you the time to fix yourself.

I agree that you need to heal as a person before you’ll be able to evaluate whether you want to enter into a relationship with your ex husband (or anyone else, for that matter). I’m another one who thinks that him pushing you when you’re uncertain is a red flag. If he actually cares about you as a person, he will respect your boundaries and give you time to figure out what you need and want. But it sounds like it’s all about him and what he wants, and that he doesn’t care about your needs or about taking things slow enough to actually build a healthy relationship.

Getting a good therapist might be the best start. You need to recover and heal from your trauma—that’s the most important thing.

I’m so sorry you were treated so badly by two different men. You deserve better.

There are a ton of red flags in your post about your ex-husband, but I’ll highlight the major ones:

1. He suspected that you were being abused… but did nothing about it. A good man would not want the mother of his children— who he claims to still be in love with— being battered nor would he allow his daughter to be endangered by letting her remain in a situation where violence is occurring. He should’ve taken action when your daughter started telling him what was going on instead of waiting until you were hospitalized to retrieve her.

Assuming that your ex-h is telling the truth that your ex bf attacked him, he should’ve called had ex-bf arrested right then and there… not kept his mouth shut and allowed the violence to escalate.

2. If he was in love with you, he would’ve dumped the other woman (OW) and tried to come back to you long before now.

3. You described the sex as aggressive and that you felt icky and guilty afterwards… even though it was incredible and intense. That is your gut, your primal instinct, telling you that something is wrong! Listen to it!

4. And last but not least, the biggest red flag of all…

He became upset saying. I knew that he's been in love with me. I made him fall in love more by having sex. He's confused and doesn't understand why I do not want to try for more.

If he can’t see why you might be reluctant to get into a relationship after your last boyfriend nearly beat you to death, then he is completely devoid of empathy and compassion for anyone but himself.

If your ex really loved you and was a changed man, he would be patient and understanding. He would be willing to go at your pace and would be moving mountains to show you that he was worthy of your love and trust.

His behavior, however, shows that he is still the same selfish and entitled man you caught in bed with another woman… he only seems better because your last partner was a complete monster.

You’ve been through hell and you should be focused entirely on your mental and emotional healing, ideally with the help of a professional therapist. You also need to get to the root of why you choose men who are abusive to you… and I include your ex-husband because he seems emotionally abusive, even if he never got physically violent with you.

And lastly, of course, there is your daughter. If you and your ex get along well as co-parents and friends, great! But she’s been through enough between your divorce and your last relationship. She doesn’t need the drama that would be involved in you taking a second go with your ex.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:22 PM, Thursday, July 6th]

Laura2020

Adding to the knowledge offered (gained by experience!)

To me - the most glaring issue I see is YOU.

WHY ON EARTH would any woman stay with a man who BEATS her? Are "we" still in the proverbial Neanderthal mode of life?

I suggest you get with some counselor that can help you learn to respect yourself first before you get involved in any relationship.

You post you ended up in an induced coma! I wish I could say reading this is a first for me but, sadly, it is not rare.

Be friends with your ex. But be extremely wary at the same time.

I don't do well with this statement:

He told me he never meant to hurt me. He loved me, but he had fallen into love with this other woman. He was confused as to how he could be in love with two women.

Did he INTENTIONALLY do something (that is with malice and aforethought) to hurt you? Likely not. But HURT you he did!

The part of "He loved me, but . . ." - just Bullshit. Immature, selfish, just plain looking out for himself and his ego/lust and no thought for you and how you will be affected. All with a very young child in the mix! The time worn saying:

"He is making decisions with his little (!) head."

I suggest you avoid any emotional (further) entanglements until you make your choices in life to not tolerate abuse of any kind.

Physical or otherwise.

And I hope the physical abuse has NOT left you with TBI issues.

Wish you well but with an abundance of caution

edit - left out an important word

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 2:21 PM, Thursday, July 6th]

IDK ... it's plausible for him to think he's still in love with you. After all, many, many As are between exes; Many, many exes mourn the one that got away and are ready to take up with them when given a chance. ANd I know I thought my W2b knew I was in love with her from the start of our relationship, and she didn't. That could be what's driving your XH.

I agree that you need to attend to yourself before starting a new relationship. What would happen if you told your XH that you need time? If he pressures you to decide quickly, your best decision is likely to be to give him a definitive 'No!'

Are you willing to find a good IC to help you process your feelings? I think the quickest way (not necessarily quick, however) is to work with a good IC.

Wow Laura, that was a tough read.

I would reframe this to you in the way we would to any betrayed spouse (BS). What work has your ex-husband done to become a safe partner? Has he done work in therapy to understand his reasons for cheating and why he did it? Has he evaluated those behaviors and put in place boundaries that can be enforced to prevent him from cheating again/

I can even grant that your ex-H after what seems to have quite a bit of time still holds feelings for you. Does he truly love you? In what ways is he a changed man? He didn't fall out of love with you, he just had a hole deep inside him that he choose to fill with ego kibbles from another woman and at some point she got tired of his shit. Also, what lead to him and OW not staying together (I think I already know the answer) if they were in lurve so much so that he blew up his marriage? Just because that relationship with her ended, who is to say that he doesn't have someone else on the side. Just because he may or may not be actively cheating at the moment doesn't mean he isn't still a wayward in his mindset.

@Hippo16 you ask WHY ON EARTH would any woman stay with a man who BEATS her? Are "we" still in the proverbial Neanderthal mode of life? Well if it were so easy to leave. There would never be a case of Domestic Violence. Try having a man threaten to kill your child and see if you would leave, take that risk. Add also Where are you going to go? Family? Drag them into the mix? a friend, so he can kill her too. It's not simple as just walking away. With ZERO consequence.

My Ex-Husband didn't know for certain what was going on. At the time, our daughter was small. It's been years, since this happened. So her telling him things wasn't taken as serious I suppose. She was only 3/4/5. She couldn't explain. There was never any physical fighting in front of her, during her visits with me. Not until that day I was hospitalized. He did ask if we were having problems once. But he and I didn't have conversations, his girlfriend would forbid him to talk to me. During drop off, she was always there. We weren't on much of speaking terms anyway, so it wasn't as if he knew anything that was going on in my life. There was nothing he could do anyway.

Our daughter is in her teens now. She doesn't have a memory of much of anything. She lived with her father during the week, and I had her during weekends.

Hi Laura,

Welcome to SI. I’m sorry you are hurting.

You’ve been through a lot of trauma. First from the infidelity and the end of your marriage, and then your physically abusive relationship. It sounds like you have a lot of healing to do before you get yourself into a new relationship. You mention you do not trust your judgment right now. That makes sense given your past two relationships. In these circumstances, it seems you are right to be hesitant to get yourself back into a relationship with ANYONE at the moment.

I get it, your ex is someone you loved once. You have a child together. Your feelings are still there and there is a lot of unresolved emotions. Some part of this is probably a little validating for you on some level. THAT SAID…. there are also red flags flying all over the place. You have also said that you have a healthy co-parenting relationship with him at the moment. That is so much better than most divorcees can say. What you are dipping your toes into right now puts all of this at risk.

You don’t owe your ex a thing. You are not responsible for his feelings about any of this. He cheated on you, humiliated you, and abandoned you when your child was young in favour of another woman. None of that has been resolved. Time alone does nothing to solve all of this. Having sex with him one time does not entitle him to anything else. The fact that he’s trying to manipulate you now and is focused on HIS feelings, rather than YOURS, tells me he has not changed or grown up or do anything else to become a safe partner. This will end poorly.

Leave your daughter’s wishes out of the equation – she isn’t a part of this (though she will inevitably be effected by it all). She is young and doesn’t know better. Of course she would love for her parents to fall in love and be together. What kid wouldn’t? Ask yourself though, how she will feel if she has to watch her mother go through another ugly relationship and breakup. How will that affect her feelings about her parents? Who will suffer the consequences when the healthy co-parenting relationship that currently exists between the two of you is irretrievably ruined? She is likely at an age now where she will understand more than she did the first time around. You are modelling right now what she will expect in her future romantic partners. She deserves better than this and so do you.

You deserve love and companionship from someone who wont hurt you. You’ve said it yourself, you are attractive and I can tell from your post that you are kind and loving. It seems to me that when you have taken the time to properly heal from all of this, it would serve you best to choose one of the millions of the men in this world that haven’t hurt you.

@Hippo16 you ask WHY ON EARTH would any woman stay with a man who BEATS her? Are "we" still in the proverbial Neanderthal mode of life? Well if it were so easy to leave. There would never be a case of Domestic Violence. Try having a man threaten to kill your child and see if you would leave, take that risk. Add also Where are you going to go? Family? Drag them into the mix? a friend, so he can kill her too. It's not simple as just walking away. With ZERO consequence.

My Ex-Husband didn't know for certain what was going on. At the time, our daughter was small. It's been years, since this happened. So her telling him things wasn't taken as serious I suppose. She was only 3/4/5. She couldn't explain, in exact detail. There was never any physical fighting in front of her, during her visits with me. Not until that day I was hospitalized. He did ask if we were having problems once. But he and I didn't have conversations, his girlfriend would forbid him to talk to me. During drop off, she was always there. We weren't on much of speaking terms anyway, so it wasn't as if he knew anything that was going on in my life. There was nothing he could do anyway.

Our daughter is in her teens now. She doesn't have a memory of much of anything. She lived with her father during the week, and I had her during weekends.

Laura, I'm so sorry you've been through all this. I think you should resist getting back with your EXH for a lot of reasons. Foremost is that you seem to think that you have to do things you don't want to do so you don't hurt his feelings. And he knows it. It's why he is laying a guilt trip on you. He knows you intimately, and knows just how to manipulate you into getting what he wants from you. And the scariest thing you said to describe what he wants is:

He wants me to be his.

No one belongs to anyone. From what you describe, he is on a love bombing mission to stake his claim on you. He very likely resented that you moved on after he left you and his own daughter. That's probably why the sex was aggressive. He's trying to prove to the animal that you were being beaten by that he really had you all along. This is not love. This is about control. It is unthinkable that this man who left you for another woman, knew you were being beaten and did nothing about it knowing his daughter was being exposed to this, and now has the nerve to suggest you owe him a chance at reconciliation.

I told him I dont want a relationship. I've been single for so long. I dont think I can be in another relationship.

You shouldn't have to say this more than once. Your feelings and desires, or lack of desire, matter. If he's upset, too damn bad. I was in a similar situation recently. A man I had a relationship 22 years ago rekindled a friendship with me. We would meet for lunch on occasion. Suddenly on Christmas night he professed his love for me. I made it clear I only wanted friendship. He continued to persist in taking it further, and like you, I didn't want to hurt him. But I'm perfectly happy single, and I asked myself (and my SI friends) why I should do something I didn't want to do just to please someone else, and so I made it clear nothing more was going to happen, and I didn't like being pressured. As I suspected he would, got mad. Oh well.

I agree with the suggestions that you should get counseling. The level of trauma you've experienced makes you a sitting duck for people who want to manipulate you for their own gain. Your EX has not changed. As soon as you wouldn't have sex with him again he insisted it was all your fault. He is still justifying wanting what he wants, when he wants it, and feeling entitled to it no matter how it makes anyone else fee. If you get good counseling you'll be able to see these red flags and learn to walk away from them.

Your story is tough read, I cannot imagine the trauma you have been through.

He became upset saying. I knew that he's been in love with me. I made him fall in love more by having sex. He's confused and doesn't understand why I do not want to try for more.

I don't like this one bit. This seems very manipulative and frankly abusive. Please do like others suggest, enforce strict boundaries and heal yourself before considering another relationship, especially one that's in your rearview mirror.

Laura, from your OP:

He told a friend how he felt about me, that friend told my then abusive boyfriend, and they actually got in a fight. A physical fight, over what my Husband was saying. My Ex husband admitted he knew or at least suspected that he was hitting me. He said he saw the bruises and our daughter would tell him things.

Assuming this story is true, your ex-husband knew that your boyfriend was violent because he was attacked by him. What was his reason for not even telling you that this happened until now? You also said he was noticing your bruises and your daughter was telling him things. He did nothing until you were on your death bed.

On top of all that, he’s still blaming the OW for why he never reached out to you. OW couldn’t have controlled him or policed his interactions with you without him allowing it, so don’t buy that excuse for a minute.

There’s nothing in your story to indicate that your ex has done any work on himself to be a safe partner. OW didn’t work out and he thinks that he can just waltz back into your life and reclaim you, as if you’re an object and not a human being.

You deserve better than what you’ve settled for in the past, Laura.

Am I wrong to be so hesitant? Am I letting my pain cheat me out of possibly reconciling with my Ex? Or am I wise to push him away. Mentally I'm such a mess, I just think horribly of myself.

I'm not unattractive. I'm Fit, I am attractive so I'm told. I don't know if I should go to his house or say no, risk making my daughter upset. Or if I say yes, I end up reinvesting in a relationship and it falls apart again. Then I couldn't forgive myself if I out myself in that situation again. Is it even appropriate to be sleeping at my Ex husband's house, after we had a one night stand.

I think it's completely valid to decide that you like being single and don't want a relationship. That said, you do seem t be having quite a bit of angst about it.

Maybe the thing to do would be to slow things down so you don't feel so rushed. That might mean refusing the invitation to go away on vacation, or alternatively, setting boundaries about your participation as platonic and "just friends" for now. Meanwhile, you might consider getting in with a therapist and working through some of your anxiety and past trauma. If that goes well, maybe even joint therapy with the Ex to see if you're still compatible and to make sure your current values align.

Bottom line, if it's true love on his part, he can exercise some patience while you figure things out.

This is a huge red flag:

He became upset saying. I knew that he's been in love with me. I made him fall in love more by having sex. He's confused and doesn't understand why I do not want to try for more.

Huh uh. No. This is manipulative.

My suggestion is to tell him that you've got some work to do before you're ready for another relationship, and he does too if he wants to be in a relationship with you. Individual counseling for everyone is in order.

I have taken in the suggestions. My question is this though. What would or could my Ex-Husband have done, if he knew I was being abused for certain? He and I only saw each other during switch off, we weren't on the best terms, I hated him, so it wasn't like we had Sunday Suppers and he saw the abuse.

People keep saying he knew and he did nothing. He saw a few bruises, I told people, We had an argument, no ones mind ever went to Oh, it's a severe domestic Violence issue.Yes my Ex-Saw Bruising, and our daughter was 3 years old. To early 5. Nothing ever took place in front of her, until that one extremely ignorant comment by something calling themselves BluerthanBlue put it "Until I was on my death bed."

Yeah, my death bed. My daughter, She was 5. She's a Teen now. It's been YEARS. Hence, the title...Please don't comment if your ignorant, I've had enough of "IGNORANT" in my life. Thank you so much. Like the comment. I don't understand why women stay and get beat. Are there really people in this world so ignorant to think that shit?

Also to address why is he telling me now, about a confrontation, my Ex-Husband had with my then boyfriend, which lead to a fight. It wasn't the Boyfriend, who started the fight. People keep saying everything in a twisted, manner, as if they're having issues reading. He's telling me now, because it wasn't until NOW we had conversations, we weren't even on talking terms for years.

[This message edited by Laura2020 at 4:22 AM, Friday, July 7th]

It's been Many years since everything happened. My Ex-Husband has been in IC for years, he and I were able to become friends, and we were able to talk about the past because he has had years of counseling. My issue is him, wanting to move into a relationship quickly. It's been a long time, 13 YEARS! our daughter will be off to college. I have remained single. I have not felt the need to be in a relationship. People are responding like this happened last year.

As I said we are older now, I have sought IC but, I was always uncomfortable speaking to a stranger about my feelings. When I left the DV relationship, I was a mess, and I didn't want to face what I had been through, I was afraid of him coming after me, he had been locked up for some time, and I wasn't thinking, get counseling. I was thinking what am I going to do when he is released? He had threatened my life, my family and friends. I allowed this pain to sit and to fester.

My Ex-Husband and I were able to Co-Parent and when he and his girlfriend broke up it was much better, because she was whole other set of problems. She wasn't as great as he assumed. After 2 or 3 years with her, the relationship went south. She was often a issue in us being able to even Co-Parent properly. It went from, meeting at a Parking lot and doing exchange,and her sitting in the car stewing, and beeping the horn if we spoke too long, to actually being able to be civil.

Again addressing, everyone who says, he KNEW and DID NOTHING. What was he to do exactly? Call the Police? He wasn't close enough to me to see nothing more than bruises. He had no extent the abuse was in my life. He sensed something was wrong, he said he could tell we fought a lot, but it wasn't until we started talking again, did he realize this was on going for years. My boyfriend and I would have arguments at times when my daughter was there.But it wasn't as physical as when she wasn't there. My Ex-Husband did say to my boyfriend, that our daughter was upset over him yelling at me, and that he better not be doing anything in front of his daughter, or there will be a problem. That is about the extent of him "doing anything about it" A man can't tell another grown man how to behave in his house, he can say how to not behave when his kid is present, but when my daughter was there. It wasn't the physical abuse. Abusers are not stupid. They are very manipulative and know how to buck the system. And before any one says tell the court, or CPS Look. They really don't give a damn.

But to those who have shared some real food for thought, I appreciate it. I can see a bit of the manipulation there. I questioned it. I thought maybe he's just not saying it right. Maybe I did come off wrong. Having sex, and then just pulling away. Maybe I did use him? I can see now maybe why he felt that way. I knew he had feelings for me, but I didn't know that he would be come emotionally unraveled after sex, because I wasn't quick to say I want a full on relationship. I have been single for so many years,I don't date. I don't sleep around. I don't know how I would respond to any man. Especially the man I was married to and it ended in the worst way.

I'm not sure if he is trying to be manipulative, or if he even realizes that's what he is doing. Maybe he feels it's been so many years, that I should have healed more by now. I haven't. I have never really addressed it. I threw myself into my work and being a Mom. Trying to figure out what is happening here. I am willing to look into counseling, maybe I will respond to it differently now after so many years?🤷