SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've read a lot on this page trying to figure out what is the best route for me but I can't think straight. I don't what is right from wrong, crying to anger.

Me & my partner of 3yrs have a had a few rough patches from my children's father passing to him losing his childhood dog to his grandfather that was more like a father to him.

2yrs his grandfather passed and then his dog passed 2months after. In that time I've come to find out his was getting emotional support from my best friend. They would meet up & chat talk about me sometimes it was to see if he was in the wrong & how he could progress our relationship. Other times it was to talk bad about me. Mostly was talk of her telling him he could do better and that I am a narcissist.

It come to be that even I started to see things when they was together she would go out her way to buy him nice things. She would take to much interest in him & I raised these concerns with my partner and he said I was reading into it to much. I always felt like a 3 wheel when ever my partner and my best friend where in the same room as me.

It then comes to 2 weeks yesterday when I fell out with my best friend and she said that she could expose my boyfriend. This is when my boyfriend came clean and told me that he had met up with her on a few actions as he hated me & could only talk to her. Then explained that they had infact slept together and he instantly regretted it.

His been completely honest with any questions I have. I really want to work through this but my anxiety is on a absolute high, am ether crying or extremely angry. I question where he is when he leaves, am scared to raise an issue Incase he thinks bad of me and starts texting her.

He has removed her of absolutely everything and has really accepted the way I am at the moment but I feel like am on egg shells. I don't even know what am looking for here I just feel like am searching in a dark room and I can't escape.

Hey Shan,
Sorry you had to find us.
A couple things- yes there were rough patches but none of that has anything to do with him cheating with your bestfriend. He did that because he wanted to.

Your emotions are normal.
For now, you need to take care of yourself.
1) Can you support yourself? What is your housing and job situation? How old are your kids?
2) Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Eat healthy, exercise daily, drink water and avoid alcohol, and get enough sleep. If you cant sleep or have anxiety issues, talk to your doctor.
3) While at your doctor’s office, get a full panel STI/STD test. Do not have unprotected sex with him.
4) Who can you talk to IRL? An IC (individual counselor) will help you figure out what is best for you next.
5) Read in the healing library and in the Just Found Out forum- especially the pinned posts and those with bullseyes.

Keep posting and know that you will be okay. Hang in there.

The reason you having trouble trying to make sense of anything is because you’ve just been abused. Emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more,so, than physical abuse. Don’t try to make heads or tails of any of this, except for one thing. You have a friend who is an awful human being. You have a lover who is an awful human being. These two awful human beings have found each other. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let them have each other, because they will drive each other crazy. You deserve a huge amount of sympathy from all of us, but you need to move away from either one of them because they are not good for you, and have never been.

Shan, If I'm reading it right - About one year into your three year old relationship with your partner, your friend and your partner began a relationship to talk negatively about you, lied to you about it and developed it in to a sexual relationship.
Double betrayal is a special kind of hell. Often, the shock of being so manipulated, marginalized and deceived leaves us scrambling emotionally. The desire to not feel stupid or blindsided or taken advantage of often manifests in a desperate need to salvage something. You have to step back and decide; do you want to salvage this relationship, or do you need to focus on salvaging your future? Given the timeline, he was entering this affair before the two of you even had a chance to establish YOUR relationship. Is there anything about this relationship that's important enough to keep? Is he worth investing what will likely be YEARS in order for you to finally feel secure again?

I’m sorry you’ve had a bit of a rough 2 years. Whilst your WBF is by no means blameless, this reeks of deep jealousy of you by your friend, and it sounds like she mounted a concerted propaganda campaign against you with your WBF. He therefore sounds incidental in as much as it wasn’t really him she was interested in but in getting one over you. With friends like her, who needs enemies, as the saying goes. I guess you could be flattered that she really is so jealous of you, as it shows how pathetic she is in how she dealt with her own insecurities and low self esteem, building herself up at your expense. Deeply nasty stuff, it’s shocking when you don’t think that way when you come up against such perfidy and low character.

Your WBF sounds easily flattered, manipulated and currently not very emotionally savvy or self aware, but now is his chance to change that, if he is prepared to really face himself and his behaviour. Currently though, he does not sound a safe partner for you, and I agree with the others that you do not have to rush into anything, whether accepting his apologies or making any decisions. You need time to get over the shock. So many affairs seem to happen when BSs are facing tough times in other parts of their lives and you have to really question the character of a partner who not only doesn’t stand by you but finds the most devastating way to deal with such rough times, stupidly and unthinkingly adding devastation and stress onto pre-existing stress. The 180 is useful to you now, as it can add impetus to getting out of that dark room and out seeking new activities and new connections. The betrayal by your friend is rare, so do not go fearing that from other people. It will be hard to trust but you will make new friends that will bring joy back into your life so please try not to deny yourself that.

I'm sorry you had a reason to find us. You have a double betrayal, you had a friend inside your relationship helping to sabotage it. Your WBF is opened to door and let her in. You will not just get through this, you do not have to decide right now what to do, you will need time to process everything.

Sorry you had to join us.

Please take care of yourself first. Take the time to really consider whether he’s truly worth another chance or not. This is a guy who not only let himself be manipulated, he would apparently turn to her whenever things got rough with you. A guy who has you in fear that if you bring up any hard/life issues, he’ll go running back to her.

Is that really a partner you think you can count on? A relationship where you’re basically walking on eggshells just to keep him?

Like everyone else says, take some time, but I strongly encourage self-care and the 180

[This message edited by Forks027 at 11:06 PM, Tuesday, July 11th]

The more I try to forward the futher away I feel. In my gut I sense something is being hidden. Would I be crazy to message my friend how had the affair with my partner to get her side or am I just setting my self up for more pain that's not needed. I have only had his side and I don't know why but something is telling me to get her side as well.

He don't live with me I have my own home & job. I sustain my own life & my children's.

The thing is we have been together 3 yrs coming to 4 in September. His family have no idea about me & my children. Would it be wrong to ask him if his really in this then he would introduce us to his side of the family? His reason for not introducing us is that they get to involved & he likes to keep his life private away from them. He also said that are relationship was partly on the back burner because of what he did as he felt he couldn't fully commit when he had been disloyal.

I have also come to find that I am no longer angry am starting to feel unsafe in regards to the relationship. His always struggled with mental health I've always been supportive of this but knowing that his mental health had some part to play in his affair. I am now worried Incase he has another failure leaving him struggling to then go else were for support even though his promised he wouldn't I just don't feel secure.

Shan, gently, this guy is not loyal to you.

Your partner isn't really a partner. He's not loyal, he's had an affair (or more) with your best friend, he is not a safe partner.

He hasn't introduced you to his family. HUGE red flag. In essence, that means he's not committed to the relationship. He's keeping you hidden and a secret. IMO it sounds like he's using you for some emotional support. He's a liar, a betrayer and a manipulator.

You deserve more, and if you were my daughter or sister or friend, I'd advise you to run and never look back.

I think there are many red flags here.

He’s shady. Plain & simple.

You’ve not met his family? They do not know about you? Hmmmm……….

Affair with your friend and inappropriate behavior from early into your relationship are definite causes for concern.

I would not call your friend for information. You have no s unity to trust anything she says at this point. She could also lie and further undermine your own mental health at this point.

I think you need to seriously evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend.

I would suggest professional counseling for you. It will help you make some tough decisions. Counseling won’t give you the answer but it will help you evaluate your options.

You need someone to support you during this very challenging time.

I hope your boyfriend gets counseling for himself too. If not, you should seriously evaluate why you want to remain in a relationship with someone who would betray you and then not do everything they could to help you heal and improve your relationship.

Best of luck.

I'm sorry. Three years and he hasn't introduced you to his family???

Oh, Shan. I hope I'm wrong, but on his end, it's likely he's keeping his options open.

You're in a one-sided open relationship. Without your consent.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 5:52 PM, Thursday, July 13th]