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I am really struggling at the moment. I am okay with what he did , I have details, I don’t want more I recognise I may never understand the full reasons why.

He has stopped drinking, is showing remorse. He is working on being honest and defensiveness. He never blames me (I put my foot down to that nonsense from day 1). He is saying the right things. He has admitted things I could never have found about as he said I needed to know the full truth, which I guess I appreciate but in some ways I wish I didn’t know. He said he wants us to have a good marriage going forward and realised he had to tell me for this to have a chance. He appears appalled by his behaviour but isn’t hiding in shame.

But I am struggling with betraying my own values. The cognitive dissonance is driving me mad! For those that don’t know I am adopted so my issues are maybe a bit different to other peoples. Loss is a massive problem too. I had a breakdown last year over this and I normally cope by shutting down. If I shut down I know my marriage will be over.

Any words of wisdom on betraying your own values and loss would be welcomed. Thank you

I am also very angry about two decisions I made when I wasn’t aware of the situation.
I made both in good faith without knowing my reality.I made them thinking my marriage was okay. I would have made different decisions had I have known. I was going through a hard time last year.

The decisions mean I cannot take time off work to recover.

As I have previously read the infidelity is not what causes the issue long term. I actually think the infidelity was pathetic. I sometimes think the true punishment would be if he had left. What on earth he thought he wanted I do not know (and neither does he now).

The lying, deceit and stealing my time and my reality are what makes me angry. I sometimes think it’s too little too late. Other times I know we can have what we should have always had.

ABCD89:

Would be nice if life was always being presented with A or B choices.
Life is not that simple.

Think of a bar - black on one end and white on the other with the transition across the bar from black to white going through a 1000 shades of gray. You are somewhere on that bar (mentally) with what or how to choose moving on with your life.

A soldier - raised to respect life and conduct oneself such that one never threatens or visits death on even a house fly.
(Ya, they exist!)
What does the soldier do when put into combat situation where he either "kills or be killed?"

I would say your quandary is common and all of us have or will deal with such choices many times in life.

Common choice happens to lot of people. Their old and familiar car dies and the shop provides repair cost which is more than the car is worth to anyone. But you LIKE the car (think of a Jaguar XKE!) so how to you make the choice?

In time the pain you have suffered will soften some and your perception will change - maybe only slightly. The memory will never fade. The sharp pain of the hurt will fade with time.

So you get to choose the "Between a Rock and a Hard place" - Stay in the marriage working to make a satisfying relationship.
(You did get tested for diseases, yes?) and resign yourself that life gave you a Merde Panini that you didn't want.

Or, you go your separate way and deal with the hassles and loneliness of living alone for ?? time till you find another - and decide to gamble on whether on not the person will be faithful?

There is no "good" answer. I would dispassionately write down all the good things about your WW boy and then another list of the bad. Evaluate, chew on the lists (mentally) and make a choice to gamble one way or another. He may turn into someone you will be glad you stayed even through the pain. Or you make the choice to continue life separate and take the gamble of finding someone new that will fulfill your standard.

There is no easy path to reconcile your personal feelings with the choice you have to make.

BTDT

By "betraying your own values" do you mean staying with a person who betrayed you, even though you said you'd never do that? One of the major things that I learned in this whole process is that you never really know what you'll do until you're the one faced with the dilemma. It's okay to change your mind. And it's okay to change it again if this turns out to be something that's a dealbreaker for you.

Thank you for your responses.

I think he is a safe bet to be honest. I think he is determined to be the person he thought he was. But my judgement is obviously poor 😂hence here I am! At the time he was going through counselling too which is disappointing. But I imagine he painted me in a poor light and didn’t explain fully how awful his behaviour was. I think I’ve realised sometimes people attend counselling to get smoke blown up their butt. So the counselling won’t work effectively.

I’m not sure what I want. Well I want where we are now without the bullshit in the middle - but I can’t have that. Rock and a hard place sums it up really.

I look at him differently. I know exactly what he wants but I’m not sure if I’m capable of giving it. He is okay with that (which makes little sense after last year). Staying is right for him, the kids, even me in many ways. It’s such a mess really.

Do I fake it and hope I make it? Has anyone done this?

Sometimes I struggle with the fact that I have stuck by my FWH. But, I think it isn't helpful for me to beat myself up. There are also times, in hindsight, I probably should have put myself first in our marriage and not put up with a lot of how he was as a husband. I don't mean that I regret anything. But, that things are so much better now that I didn't realize that I could have a marriage that was THIS much better.

There were many small decisions I made to include OW in our travels or plans, that I could beat myself up over. I wanted to believe him....because I love him. I wanted to believe her....because I thought she was my friend. I'm no longer that naive or trusting.

I'm sorry you're here. I have a BFF who was a serial cheater. If she wasn't my ride or die, I'd not want to associate with someone who was able to cheat like she did. She's grown quite a lot over the years. Got a lot of therapy. And, stood by me as I was going through this like it was her job. I'm not sure I could have made it through without her help. I had PTSD before the A and it was compounded by the A. She taught me that sticking around, when both parties are doing the hard work, is the ultimate bad ass move. That being said, I also know that I can tap out anytime. Anytime we're no longer working toward each other, I don't have to stick around for that....and won't.

I still run into OW roughly weekly. It's been 4 1/2 years. Last night was the first time she looked more uncomfortable than I felt.

What led you not to end your M on or after d-day? What values, if any, are you upholding by choosing R?

My bet is that you will violate some values whether you choose D or R, because some values conflict with each other. My reco is to choose - and then celebrate choosing the values you've chosen to uphold. You can hold your head high, no matter what you choose, and sometime the choice is very difficult.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:29 AM, Friday, July 14th]

So. I feel you on betraying your own values.

I did not want to marry an addict, active or recovering.

I knew my mind could not handle the cognitive dissonance. I also don't like being collateral damage.

In short, I knew it wasn't for me.

So much, so that when I was 18, I stopped dating a guy that lied about getting arrested for possession of pot. Which was too bad, as he was cute.

I did not know my husband was an addict when we got married. I had the pleasure of discovering that 5 years into marriage.

And then I was naive. And then my husband relapsed, and lied about it.

In hind sight, I should have not been naive and divorced my husband. So much easier when you only have two kids and less than 10 years of marriage. My kids were both under 5, so not having access to them 50% of the time was less of a thing. (There's a difference between missing out on poopy diapers and games, etc).

I won't lie. It absolutely sticks in my craw that remaining married with my husband means I have to compromise on something that I knew I coudn't.

Unfortunately, that is the more palatable option than divorcing now.

This is the premise behind the concept of Moral Injury. I struggled with this and found moral injury to be a helpful framework.

I also purchased the Moral Injury Workbook by Wyatt R. Evans, Robyn D. Walser, Kent D. Drescher and Jacob K. Farnsworth.

I found the material and exercises very helpful

Betraying your own values

What if you look at it another way? Maybe it isn't betraying your values...but practicing your values?

I was cheated on in my 1st M. I did the "pick me dance" like a pro...and I WON...my 1st H and I went for R. Only...it was false R and I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator about 2 years later. I decided NEVER AGAIN would I put up with a cheater!!!

Almost 30 years later...to the DAY...my 2nd H cheated on me. As soon as he confessed...I told him our M was over. There was NO emotion at all on my part...I was DONE! Only...about an hour later...we were talking about R!!

I struggled the first few months over this. I remembered the RELIEF I felt when I was separated from a cheater!! R is HARD. How could I go through this again???!!! It was like I was deliberately putting myself through abuse that would only end up with me leaving my H anyway. Once a cheater always a cheater...my 1st H sure proved that!!

BUT...there's always a BUT!!! But...my 2nd H didn't go down the same path as my 1st H. Something was different in the way he was with R. I thought about it...and realized that I was displaying a value that was equally...if not more important. I was showing my H MERCY. I KNEW I could survive IF my 2nd H went down the path that my 1st H did...because I had already done it. BUT...if my H truly changed to become someone worthy of me...by me showing him mercy...that was pretty cool!

My H didn't deserve my mercy...and he sure couldn't earn it. For mercy to be a real value...it has to be given freely. It was my CHOICE. I took the leap...and I have NEVER regretted it!

As for anger...I learned that anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as guilt...hurt...etc. When I could focus on the primary emotion...the anger subsided a lot. You seem to be pretty in tune as to why you are feeling the anger...that is great! Focus on that...find the primary emotion you need to deal with...and hopefully it will help with the anger you are feeling. Anger can be a GOOD thing at times...but not being able to deal with it properly will keep a person in a negative mindset. That isn't healthy.

I think any of us going through R experience this. My W had turned a corner and I was starting to believe her, she was working hard on R, but I was so angry and ashamed, at myself, that I stayed. It’s a natural phase of the journey and recognizing it helps to work through it.

Maybe it isn't betraying your values...but practicing your values?

That's exactly what I was trying to say, but this actually says it. Thanks, Want2b.

Thank you all.

Mercy - okay so my gut feeling is I’m not sure it’s a word that I’d ever use. I’m good at forgiveness (adopted you have to be). I’m good at compartmentalising. I can intellectualise the situation. I will think about mercy this week. Thank you.

At the minute I feel a bit bleugh about it all. I’m bored of it consuming my thoughts. I’m fed up that this bullshit has been put into my life. And I’m disappointed that he let himself down so badly. I would hate to be in his situation. Really hate it. I do feel sorry for him at times. But that’s not great either. I feel no jealousy - the whole situation was pathetic really. And what was gained? A Smokey butt. And the loss of how much I loved and adored him and believed in him. He says he hopes I get that back -but I doubt I will.

At the moment I’m thinking what do I gain. What’s in this for me?

I think time will tell on this. I felt like I was betraying my values as well, but my xWS was not R material and I'm not sure I was either so it was a total lost cause. If you still feel like this a few more years out maybe the answer is to leave, for your peace of mind. It takes a long time to heal from this kind of betrayal. A lot longer than I thought it would. I am more on the 5 year healing timeframe.

So I had a big discussion today. I still seem to erupt every 10 days or so. I get angry and cross and tell him how much I hate him. Then I feel okay for a few days. Then it happens again. He takes it. Says he hates what he has done to me and him and our family. Apologises (which he knows is like dropping a stone in an ocean) he says that it’s important that he remembers to be thankful for being here and getting a chance etc. What he is saying and doing is the only things he can say and do. I don’t think (from my perspective) he could do anything else. I constantly ask ‘what do you mean by that’ ‘ please clarify’ or ‘why?’. I drill down on everything.

I may try a bit of fake it until you make it. I need some fun as I’m so bored of feeling like crap.