SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess I'll start from the beginning. I met my husband when I was 17, I was in Canada and he was currently deployed overseas. He was a online friend of my brother's for years. We fell in love very quickly, got engaged and did the entire green card process in 2 years where I got married to him in the states. The first year of marriage is always the roughest, people warned me. I was isolated from my family, fell deep into depression and we fought constantly. I always though, as long as we love each other, we'll make it through the storm. It was in Sept 2019 when I found out about the EA. It was brutal. I asked him if he loved me, he said he still did. I asked him if he still wanted this marriage, he said to wait until we see a expert. So I waited. 5 years later, he asked for a divorce on July 13, 2023. I knew he was off, he was still lying to me. I kept pushing to reconcile and he kept telling me he couldn't see a future with me. On the 20th he confessed to having 4 affairs and hiring 3 prostitutes from 2016 until 2021. He told me he’s never loved me, he still loves his ex and he manipulated me into this marriage for his own selfish reasons.

Something in me just broke that day, to be so cruel to another human being just didn't make sense to me. Still doesn't. To spend 8 years of marriage with someone just to use them. I don't think I could trust another human being again after hearing those words. It just hurts.

He did agree to pay for the apartment, all bills and my degree so he could fix his mistake. But my heart is telling me it's best to just cut him off now and save up enough to move back to Canada. Just to be free of the reminder that I spent 8 years building a marriage on lies. I'm just so lost, so broken. This is a wound that'll never fully heal. It'll always be there.

I'm sorry you're here. I have a few questions/comments:

1. Do you have children?

2. Would you have the apartment to yourself or would he be there?

3. Please get tested for STDs ASAP if you haven't already.

4. PLEASE CONSULT AN ATTORNEY

Ultimately, if going back to Canada would be best for your happiness, then you should eventually go. But please see a lawyer first to get what is rightfully yours.

[This message edited by recovering2018 at 11:11 PM, Monday, July 24th]

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. At the top of the forum are some pinned posts that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of information, including a list of the acronyms we use.

Your STBXWH (soon to be ex wayward husband) sounds like a dirtbag. How horribly hurtful to say those things. He had to make himself feel better, so he put you down. Jerk!

Infidelity is the worst pain I've gone through. The pain is bad now, but it does get better. Healing takes time. If you can get in with a therapist, a betrayal trauma specialist is very helpful.

Where do you think you'll be happier in the long run? Do you have supportive friends & family in Canada? If so, it may be easier to go back there. You'll be removed from a bunch of reminders of your STBXWH.

See the doctor for testing for STD/STIs. Also, if you need other meds to help you through with sleep or depression, ask about them. Eat healthy, using protein shakes if you have trouble keeping things down. And remember to hydrate with water or juice.

Sorry you had to find us, but glad that you did.
You have gotten good advice, so I’ll just remind you that he sounds like a manipulative jerk. And I think he is re-writing history. Regardless, talk to lawyers and make sure you do what is best for you. Get any promises he made in the divorce decree.

You are young and you are going to recover from this and find a much better partner. It will take a little time, but it’s true.
So hang in there.

I would say the first year if marriage is one of the easiest for most couples. We have all been used in one way or another. You have been given a fresh start and need to go find someone that truly loves and values you. It may seem that your world has collapsed, give yourself a little time. You will realize this is the end of a bad chapter. You have lots of pages left to fill.

I would also think if you had an easy path to return to living in Canada and can escape the dumpster fire that is now the US, you should take it!

Hello LovelessLady. So sorry you're here, but glad you found SI.

Can't answer your question about whether to go or stay. Please do what feels right for YOU. Moving towards D, while keeping minimal contact with the betraying partner is usually the most direct path out of infidelity when the betrayer has initiated the break and intends to chase rainbows in a new life. If returning to Canada feels right, do it. But, please don't walk away without consulting a lawyer first! If he's serious about this promise "he did agree to pay for the apartment, all bills and my degree so he could fix his mistake" he should be okay with getting this promise codified in a D settlement. You're married, so at least half of all marital assets are YOURS. HIS money is YOUR money! If we take him at his word that "he never loved you (what a JERK!)......manipulated you into marriage for his own selfish reasons" blah blah blah........in other words he defrauded you into uprooting an established life to join him here. So, seems only fair he should do what's needed financially for your return to Canada - if that's what you decide to do. Is there any reason he can't keep these same financial promises if you're in Canada? Couldn't "paying all bills" include relocation/moving expenses? Any way you could finish a degree at a Canadian university or online through the US school? Seems prudent to get all this settled ASAP while he's distracted by AP good feels, and while he still feels obligated to at least help you financially. The longer things are contractually unresolved, the more likely he'll break early promises. Act quickly while he's still exhibiting some guilt! Get as much as you can in writing and retain all emails, texts, etc. Make copies of all important legal documents just in case you need to move quickly. Keep those documents in a safe place away from the apartment.

Please take extra special care of yourself right now. Build a support team around you to help get through the next few months. See a doctor for STD testing, sleep or anxiety meds if needed. Retain a lawyer!

Maybe get some counseling to help sort through options and for emotional support?

Have you reached out to family and friends for support even if it's on the phone? You need your tribe around you right now.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 9:16 PM, Tuesday, July 25th]

I'm with BoundaryBuilder. Your degree and relocation cost money, and as much of that money aspossible should come from marital assets. Besides, if you've leased your apartment, you're stuck until the end of the lease, though you may be able to sub-lease.

I'd be skeptical of his claim that he never loved you. Even if he didn't, he's a jerk, so don't judge yourself by his lousy standards. Remember: you are loving, lovable, and capable. If he wasn't smart enough to know that, it's his problem, not yours.

Your M failed because he failed as a human being. Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat.

@recovering2018

1. Do you have children? - Thankfully no

2. Would you have the apartment to yourself or would he be there? - Right now he comes and goes until he finds an apartment for himself

3. Please get tested for STDs ASAP if you haven't already. - Already booked next week to get checked out

4. PLEASE CONSULT AN ATTORNEY - Thankfully one of my family friend's sister in a divorce lawyer. I've been in communication with her. He is writing the fact he'll be paying for my expenses until I finish my degree in the divorce papers. I'll have her check it over once the final draft is set.

Thank you everyone else for your kind words, I most likely will return back up to Canada since my support network is up there. Also it'd be nice to return to where things are familiar.

You have recieved very good advice, just wanted to say sorry you found a need for us here.

Thank you everyone else for your kind words, I most likely will return back up to Canada since my support network is up there. Also it'd be nice to return to where things are familiar.

Best wishes to you.