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My partner and I are 2 years post Dday, where I found out he had been soliciting sex. We are 6 months full therapeutic disclosure. I have seen a tremendous amount of growth and change on both of our parts. Things between March and the beginning of June have been incredibly cathartic and healing.
We have been doing a lot of work.
Needless to say, things got very busy in June with our business and we went on vacation in July.

Over vacation, he had his first slip since discovery. I discovered that he had gone on the Bunny Ranch website while I was asleep next to him in bed. He has completely recommitted to his recovery since this has happened.I also understand that relapse is a part of recovery. That being said, it has completely retraumatized me. I am spinning out of control. The things that used to bother me post-disclosure are back. Images, intrusive thoughts, etc. I am starting to wonder if anyone can ever truly resolve these issues for themselves.Is this going to be a storm on the horizon the rest of our lives?

For the first time since D-Day I am starting to feel like I can't deal with this. I love him so much. I am proud of the work he has done, but when is enough enough.

SisterSadie,

I can imagine the pain you must feel from a "slip", but make no mistake, that isn’t a slip, that was a thwarted attempt to cheat. Are you sure there haven’t been successful other attempts? Please don’t take "slips" as a given. They are not. They are just continued cheating behavior. I am not saying you must leave if he continues to cheat, that is a boundary you need to decide for yourself, but if your reconciliation is based on monogamy, it’s not even close. I don’t know who convinced you that a "slip" is expected, but I’d never accept that sort of advice.

As far as when enough is enough only you can answer that. Do you live near or are you visiting near the Bunny Ranch to where it would even be feasible that he could go? Or is he just fantasizing?

For *me* it would make a difference (although maybe not a huge difference...idk)

But whether or not this is something that could happen, it's really up to you whether or not this is a line too far. You get to decide.

Sex addiction is a whole other animal.

It is not uncommon to have minor slips at first. It is an addiction. Does not mean it is acceptable...however, you are two years out and this will set you back. I am sorry.

It is so difficult, but you are not alone.

It's been 8 years for me. Things are very good, but I still get triggered by intrusive thoughts. One brought me back here after 5 years. No fault of the husband. It is mostly manageable and I am well.

I would look into continued sex addiction recovery therapy and try to find out why he slipped.

That must feel awful. Is your WH in IC? Also did he tell you he slipped up or did you find out yourself?

Those two can be important to going forward.

Sounds like he needs help because he never found out how his why for his behavior. IC can help him. If he was in IC and stopped he needs to go back.

I'm so sorry you have to experience this.

This is probably the first "slip up" that you caught. For every cockroach you see, there are 100 in the walls.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:10 PM, Saturday, August 12th]

"We have been doing a lot of work."

Gently, this is not a "we" problem, it's a *he* problem.

If he is not in IC he needs to be. If he was in IC and still cheated, what will be different this time? If you can answer that question, can you do it without a "we" or reference to some kind of situational/marital circumstance, because I can tell you from experience that it ain't gonna work. It's just not about either of those.

I'm not saying he can't change, but it's going to be about him changing, and nothing else.

Best!

I'm sorry you are finding yourself here.

My husband is a recovering SA.

We had discovery, and then he had 3 years of sobriety.

He mostly "did the work." therapy, homework, reading, was attentive and all that. (I call it recovery v1)

In DH's case
1) he didn't work through the shame and
2) he hadn't yet surrendered to the fact that he is an addict.

#2, in particular, I was like, really? I mean, come one.

So, as you can imagine, he started slipping/relapsing.

For 7ish years.

And lied to me about it.

So. He's been sober for 6 years now. (I call it recovery v2).

It wasn't until year 5 of recovery v2 that I thought I could trust him. So, yes, the intrusive thoughts don't present themselves all that much anymore.

They got bad during recovery v2, when I was processing during the angry phase. I actually don't even get angry until year two starts. That was bad, because I was processing not only what happened before recovery v1, but also recoveryv2.

I won't purposefully risk putting myself in a potentially triggering situation though. DD1 offered to see the barbie movie with me. The female actress is totally someone DH would have fantasized about. It doesn't make sense for me to pay to stew. So I declined.

We'll be lucky if half hour marriage, DH was sober in it.

It's also his thing. I have to go out and find my own happiness, regardless of what behaviors my husband chooses.

That doesn't preclude a thought of "oh, I'm DH would have liked to have done her" when I'm snarky. And it's a thought. I have lots of snarky thoughts, and I don't really let them derail me.

Marriage is what you make of it.

You can define the terms of your marriage.

You can say when enough is enough.

I can imagine the pain you must feel from a "slip", but make no mistake, that isn’t a slip, that was a thwarted attempt to cheat.

I agree with the above - unless your WS is a diagnosed sex addict? (Sorry I can't recall your whole story). If he is in SA I'm willing to go down the "relapse" path for a short stroll. Cheating isn't usually an addiction - it's a lifestyle.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:12 PM, Saturday, August 19th]

Living with an SA is a rough road. My husband is a drug addict with 27 years of sobriety. He is also a sex addict. He has maintained sobriety from drugs and alcohol , but has had some "slips" with regards to sex. Although he did not physically cheat, both of these revolved around online content. Online pornography was the catalyst that precipitated my husband's downward spiral into a physical affair. The use of the porn was non-stop and my husband was lucky in that he was caught before he escalated into escorts. After each slip, my husband recommitted to sobriety. He has been able to remain sober for 2 years. For perspective, it has been almost 8 years since DDay.

In order to maintain sobriety, there are some things my husband must do on a consistent and long-term basis:
1. 12-step meetings and willing engagement in the process of recovery. If your husband is not fully committed to the SAA program, attendance at meetings consistently and for the long term, getting a sponsor, and doing the work necessary to maintain sobriety, he will almost certainly relapse. The relapse rate is high for all addicts and especially SAs. Because of this, my husband also attends AA meetings. There are many people in AA with a lot of sober time. It is always worth listening to them when dealing with any addiction. In SAA, there are not many people with long term sobriety. IMO, this is because SA is a process, or behavioral addiction, like gambling. With other addictions, abstinence is the answer. For example, I have been in recovery for alcoholism for many years. I abstain from alcohol. If I had to take a drink once a week to maintain my marriage, I would relapse. For an SA, the very behavior they are addicted to is necessary for a healthy relationship. This makes it super hard for an SA to stay sober. SAs have to focus on compulsive sexual behaviors vs healthy sexual behaviors. There is often some sort of overlap there. This is why attendance at SA and AA meetings is part of my husband's repertoire for sobriety.
2. Therapy with a CSAT. My husband goes twice per month. A CSAT helps him to develop the tools necessary for sobriety and to develop healthy coping skills, both of which increase my safety. Your husband NEEDS a therapist who has experience with SA. Most of them do not. This is a non-negotiable in my opinion.
3. Lifetime commitment to sobriety. This means that your husband will need to be actively attending meetings, and participating in all aspects of a 12 step program forever.
4. Willingness to tolerate oversight and loss of privacy. Your husband will need to allow you access to all online activities in order to give you agency and to ensure that you are safe.
5. If he is new to recovery, then your husband should not be online unless you are awake and present. Based on your post, your husband is not able to safely use the internet at this time. An SAA sponsor should be working with him on his circle behaviors. These will help him define the "slippery slope" behaviors he needs to stay away from, and the compulsive behaviors that he cannot engage in at all, like watching porn for my husband.

As I previously said, living with an SA is not easy. At some level, you will need to be aware of his actions. This kind of oversight can be tiring and overwhelming. If I was not an addict myself, with the understanding I have of addiction and sobriety, I am not sure I would be able to manage it TBH. I hope this post has been useful and I wish you well going forward.