SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After years of saying she and AP didn’t have penetrating sex, she finally confessed. She says that he used a condom and was only one time. Nearly another time but she refused because he didn’t have a condom.
After all the lies I believe that they did it more times and possibly no protection. She just can’t seem to tell the truth about the A. Still in R for the time being. We shall see!!!

Rolltide

What would getting the unbridled truth do for you?
I get the need for it – I really do! I have repeatedly stated that to reconcile you need the truth to the extent YOU need.
But what does your wife think will happen if she admits it was 3 weeks and not 2, that they had sex at least 10 times and not once?

If she wants to remain married and thinks this would completely push you to divorce… she won’t admit more than she already has.

I understand your need for the truth. I really do.
Consider this:
Consider sitting your wife down and telling her that THIS situation isn’t sustainable and that if this is all she can offer then you are leaning towards cutting your losses and ending this marriage. That you need to get a sense that you have the truth.
Then give her a list – a written list – of realistic questions. Don’t do the dumb thing and ask if she enjoyed sex with him, if he was bigger or better. Limit yourself to factual questions:

When did the affair start?
How long did it last?
When did it end?
When was the last contact with OM?
How many times did they have sex?
Where did they have sex? (for some having sex in a shared space such as the marital bed is a big no-no).
Have there been other affairs previous or after?

Tell her that you need answers to ALL those questions and that any prolonged resistance from her is a clear indicator that she doesn’t trust you – therefore a non-sustainable marriage.
Tell her that you will appreciate honesty and commit to a three month period after her answers where you will focus on reconciling. There won’t be any knee-jerk divorce reaction.
Tell her she has 6 hours, but after that time you expect honest answers to all the questions.

Tell her that sometime in the next 2-3 weeks you will schedule a polygraph. That polygraph will be based on these questions, and that if she fails – if her answers are rated as false – THAT will cause more damage than any true answer she gives you now. IF she fails the poly it is a clear indication that she doesn’t trust you for the truth and that there is no future for this marriage.

Narrator: She had unprotected sex multiple times. What you're getting is the trickle truth combination of what might be remotely acceptable mixed with remotely believable.

The truth is always worse.

What are you reconciling with? You know for a fact that she is still lying.

I don’t know for a fact but she has TT’d me more times than I can count. I just want to know if she has more to tell. My feeling is there is more. I suppose I could be wrong. But I don’t think so. Maybe the lies have got to be too much for me. I don’t want to leave because I really do love her. All I want is the whole truth so I can begin to heal.

RollT

I think I gave you a good-enough plan. At least it’s some steps to progress to some other stage.
She might have told you everything, she might still have some secrets. Until you feel safe you are doomed to misery.
Are you going to press her for answers (as outlined for example in my plan) or are you going to remain in misery?

RT, While I'm sure you would have preferred it if what she said was true, you at least know (more) of the truth (but not all, most likely). You can make a more informed decision now.
If I may ask, how did this come up again now?

Have her write out a timeline that includes all inappropriate behavior since you’ve been exclusive. Tell her it will be verified by polygraph. Follow through on the poly even if you get more details.

As has been said you need to know what you’re reconciling with. Tell her everything goes on the table.

She just can’t seem to tell the truth about the A.

She can, she just won't because you've already held out the idea of reconciliation. She has to see her whole world crumble before she'll get real with you, and maybe not even then.

Still in R for the time being.

You are not in R - you are still in lies and TT.

We shall see!!!

We shall see more weeks, months, years of new TT and new heartbreaks (for you.)

You still do not know if you have the full truth. You are not in R, Bub.

RT

Trust your gut. You knew you didn't have the truth and then she gave you a little more. You need to demand a full written timeline.

RT,

I fully agree and confirm you need the entire truth, for MANY reasons, like:

- You need to have the entire truth in order to make an informed decision
- You need to have the entire truth so you know what you’re forgiving
- You need to have the entire truth to remove the shared intimacy of details that lives on between WW and OM
- Without the entire truth, your WW is still lying, and therefore not remorseful, and therefore a horrible candidate for R
- etc. etc.

Precisely what is stopping you from asking her for a complete written timeline, and one that will be verified by a polygraph? Is it possible you fear the results of that?

Rolltide9630,

I'm in a similar situation as yours. My wife (when she was my fiancée), cheated, then claimed she stopped seeing him, only for me to find him in her bed a year or so later. This was over 30 years ago. After wasting two years on him, the thing with the AP fizzled out.

We got back together and married.. And mostly rugswept what had happened.

Only it came back to me about 25 years later and still hurts me tremendously. I'm sure I am experiencing PTSD, or actually PISD (post infidelity stress disorder).

My plan, after many discussions with her where she more or less has the attitude of "are we going to do this again?", is to do as Bigger said.. write out questions for her to answer. I think it really is the best way to approach it. She can take her time, without the stress and immediacy of confrontation with me, and ruminate and try to remember enough to answer my questions. She has agreed to do this. (And if I bring up anything about the cheating she says "just give me the questions!")

I'm having trouble putting together what I want to give her because for months I just seem to have mindblock, but she has agreed to answer my questions, although she told me not to be surprised if I get a lot of "I don't know's." She claims she can't remember a lot of it. She lived with the bastard for two years, it's like a marriage and divorce, just without the legal paperwork, so I would think whe would remember quite a bit about a relationship that she planned to be her life's partnership. We will see..

In any event, I wanted you to know you are not the only one that's re-experiencing the pain after decades have passed. And that I do believe the written questions are a good idea..

Thanks Adolfo,
Your comment means a lot.