SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You’ve been describing her as perfect. Perfection, if there is really such a thing, is grace under pressure. Your relationship was stress tested and she failed miserably. She seemed perfect on the surface, but just below the surface there were flaws, critical character flaws, that only revealed themselves under pressure, resulting in critical failure.

Her flaws not only traumatically trashed your relationship, her flaws are also contributing to the harm of the OBS and, to herself, her integrity. This level of self and mutual destruction, and collateral damage, is not what "perfect" people do.

I'm an old-timer here, so my view has changed over the years. And you know what? I now think that it's kind of silly to insist that there are NO situations where it might be understandable to cheat. People in abusive relationships lose their compass... they can't even see the abuse... sometimes cheating helps them get out. I would never wag my finger at such a person and say "but you shouldn't have done it by CHEATING". Who cares how they did it, they were the victims there.

But this is not that, and you were not abusive. You may have tested her loyalty, but only in very minor ways. If you planned to have eventually kids, how would things have gone when the reading on the stress-o-meter went up 10x, as it often does with kids? You guys had it EASY and she could have filled her time in other ways. You would have come around, not as a textbook-perfect partner, but as a real and genuine one.

What I'm saying is, you can kick yourself all you want, but you dodged a bullet, because she was going to cheat on you whenever things got to be less than ideal, and that's just LIFE.

My advice to you in the next relationship... be genuine. Don't put up a front of a guy who is going to make the woman the center of their world... because you know what you will get? A woman who wants to be the center of someone's world. And it will fall apart in the very same way as soon as you can't keep up the front. Be authentic, and you will find an authentic match who will work WITH you during the tough times, as a PARTNER, not a prize.

Best of luck.

When they are in a relationship that no longer serves them, good people - people with integrity - will exit the relationship before even thinking about starting a new one. Period.

I just wanna emphasize how true this statement is.

This thread has devolved into discussions based on generalizations about gender. That helps no one heal.

Let's get back on the track of helping each other.

*****

I'm confused, DDG. Your GF was perfect. You were a jerk. As LurkingSoul points out, your GF accepted you for who you are and rejected you ... for who you are. You see yourself as unmanly. You're planning on pretending to be manly in the future. Manly is providing for a woman. Etc., etc., etc.

You're boxing yourself into a life that will be unsatisfying.

People need to love and be loved. We need to give and get. Of course you need to bring something to any relationship - your self, your wants, your honesty. Sometimes putting food on a table is a major part of a relationship, but there's more that can be given and taken.

What do you feel about being betrayed? My reco is to deal with the feelings - the anger, grief, fear, and shame - that come with being betrayed.

Once you start resolving the feelings, you can figure out who you want to be. Right now, you're in a fog, and logic won't get you out of it.

One thing you might clarify... maybe you mentioned it so I apologize if I overlooked it.

What I mean by that is, that by her breaking up with me (even before I knew she cheated. She only admitted to it 5 months after breakup)

How did you find out about her cheating "5 months" after you two separated? Did she just blurt it out, or did someone tell you, or did you find out on your own?

One very basic concept IMHO is that NOTHING we – the betrayed person – does or does not do makes the wayward have to have an affair.
The conscious decision to cheat is always – ALWAYS – on them. Even in abusive relationships or whatever. Now – a person in a toxic relationship might be all mixed up and therefore more likely to make wrong decisions, but the fault for infidelity is ALWAYS with the person that cheats. IMHO it’s not necessarily a sign of low integrity but rather of misguided decisions.

DeDeGuy – you could have ignored her, refused to marry, been depressed or whatever… but her correct response would always have been to demand change and pressure you to comply OR to end the relationship. Had she told you how she felt and you ignored it… well… goodbye.

If you think you had even an iota of blame for her affair… well… what about 15 years from now, when you two are struggling with a mortgage, 2 kids and 2 car-payments… Would you forgetting to take out the trash three consecutive weeks explain why she has to make out with DeDe jr gym-teacher?

How did you find out about her cheating "5 months" after you two separated? Did she just blurt it out, or did someone tell you, or did you find out on your own?

Great question. In hindsight I realized how evil I got gaslighted. Everybody around me was clearly seeing what was going on but her lying straight to my face, looking deep into my eyes while lying, made me believe her for all that time.

This was the evidence I have had from day 1:

- two missed calls by AP at unusual times (10pm).
- snooped in her phone and saw in her google maps that she went to a restaurant when she told me she was somewhere else.
- after she broke up with me I was waiting for her in our old apartment. calling her non stop wanting to talk. She didnt pick up the phone but I could see in her old phone where her new phone was located at. went to the location and catched her and AP sitting in a car at night.

they argued that my ex didnt wanna come home because I was waiting for her, so they waited after work for me to leave the apartment.

I was gaslighted / dumb enough to believe her. She lied STRAIGHT INTO MY FACE. Like a world class champion. In hindsight it is insane.

I was truly blind. I was trusting her so deeply, she was the last person I expected to cheat on anybody really.

Addition:

Her mother, who knew of it all, threw me some hints that there "might" be infidelity on her side.

I confronted her.

Then a few days later she confessed everything. Same time she begged, pleaded, screamed, cried, and promised me heaven on earth if I'd take her back. She was truly showing deep remorse and shame. I really thought she was serious.

We attempted reconciliation for like 3 weeks. After 3 weeks she started to ghost me out of the blue.

One night she was laying in my arms telling me she loves me, wants to rekindle our family, made the biggest mistake of my life, praising my character.

3 days later she was cold and dismissive. I believe AP came back into the picture but this time I have no evidence at all and she keeps on denying, but who can believe a word she says?

Look at it this way, if you were struggling financially and she robbed a bank to pay the bills. Would you go to the cops and say "I caused my W to rob a bank"? NO, because robbing banks is not a solution to financial troubles, and its morally wrong. She would be the guilty one.

So when times get tough in a relationship she goes and robs another woman and her family. No where did YOU see this as a way to fix your relationship, its 100% on her and not your fault. Unless she fixes herself the next guy is in for the same thing.

What is tormenting me are these weird thoughts. I don't know if they're normal in a breakup, or if I am just being an egoistical egocentric superficial idiot.

One of the main struggles for me is to accept that she is gone because:

- she was very low maintenance.
- she is incredibly good looking and takes very much care of herself and her body.
- the next guy will enjoy all her qualities I have experienced. She is not your typical cheater. She has only been intimate with her ex BF of 6 years and me (7 years) (and after that her AP) and, believe it or not, I am 100% certain she will never do anything like this ever again. She has a incredibly warm sexual language and can be very catering, supportive and all of that. She deeply regrets the decision to cheat on me and simply fell in love with AP when I was treating her like shit.

It is jealousy I guess. Not proud of it and I think what's so devastating to me is to have these visions of how I acted during the relationship and how I could've been so blind to believe that I would ever be as lucky to get someone like her.

I feel like you are looking at her through rose-colored glasses.
No matter what "wonderful" qualities you believe she has, at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter.
The fact is, when the going got rough in your relationship, she chose to dishonor it by cheating. Not only cheating, and cheating with a married man but lying to you.
And trying to come back, and leaving you again.
This is who she is.
Please focus your attention on only yourself and as hard as it is, block her completely from your life.
Don’t worry about what she will do with her life from now on, or with whom.
You sound like you have true insight and self-awareness; take that and the lessons you have learned when you are ready (and this takes a long time, take all of the time you need!) to move on to a new relationship.

Fine. She is different. She won't cheat again. Let's take her off the topic now.

Now, tell us what are you doing to get through this? What are you doing to address your issues? Have you joined IC?? Have you started reading books that are meant to help you heal? Are you taking care of yourself??

and, believe it or not, I am 100% certain she will never do anything like this ever again. She has a incredibly warm sexual language and can be very catering, supportive and all of that. She deeply regrets the decision to cheat on me and simply fell in love with AP when I was treating her like shit.

She may very well never cheat again. But you really are underestimating her character flaw(s). You don't 'simply fall in love with someone else when you are in an existing relationship. And if your existing relationship is bad, then leave it with your character intact.

Cheating was never a non-toxic option. Cheating with a married man is worse. Cheating when there are children involved is even worse than that. There is no 'simply' about that. And yes, she may be devastated by what she has done, but do you know that? Has she tried to make amends to the AP's wife? We know that she didn't try to make amends to you....she bolted. My bet is that she will just avoid the other destruction that she has caused.

And you don't think that she will ever be faced with adversity again? What do you think that she will do when it comes to standing up, and doing the right thing, or be avoidant, and run away from the problem? It's not necessarily an infidelity issue that will arise; it could be countless other issues. It's how she handles any difficult situation that needs to be addressed.

Now, tell us what are you doing to get through this? What are you doing to address your issues? Have you joined IC?? Have you started reading books that are meant to help you heal? Are you taking care of yourself??

Yes I have my second IC session tomorrow. It's a psychological therapist, so no "life coach" or "guru" or something like that. He's a bit young, maybe like 5-6 years older than me but will see, I'm curious if this will help because as you guys have rightly so recognized is that I am very stubborn and rock steady in my thoughts and opinions about her and our relationship. Which I do not deem good btw, It's not that I WANT TO be like that.

Cheating was never a non-toxic option. Cheating with a married man is worse. Cheating when there are children involved is even worse than that.

I know. And I can't add anything to that. I have no idea wtf happened to me that I could ever tolerate this, and I even tried to get her back AFTER she confessed. Seriously. I do not recognize myself. Everybody who's my friends knows me the loyal and dependable person with a strong moral standpoint. I have had multiple friendships go through hardships because I 100% stand behind what I say, and I always said that infidelity is the worst thing one could do.

My ex and me used to joke around how we will totally demolish each other if one would cheat. Yet here I am - pining for a woman who had sex in our bed. With exactly that guy she knew would hurt me the most.

My answer is: I have no idea what is wrong with me and I seriously need help. I wake up and go to bed with nothing else on my mind besides her, our relationship, jealousy of loosing her and occasionally what she did with AP. This is not normal and I hope therapy will help me get through this because there are nights I truly just want to not wake up the next day.

I am very stubborn and rock steady in my thoughts and opinions about her and our relationship.

Hey, you are not the first one to stubbornly defend your WP. We see that here a lot. We also see a pattern here that you are unable to see.

It's good you are going to therapy. Continue with your works. It takes time to heal but you will heal.

simply fell in love with AP when I was treating her like shit.

I want to point something here. You just don't fall in love with anyone. In the beginning, it is just a physical or sexual attraction, which is often referred to as 'crush'. Then, through various means like dating, hanging out, sex etc we try to get to know each other with the full intent of falling in love. She didn't fall in love when they first flirted. I dont even think affair relations can be called 'love' relations. But, if it did happen, then it happened in the middle of their affair after she made series of choices and moves with the intent of falling in love. So, she didn't fall in love and then betrayed you. She first betrayed you for lust, or silly validation or whatever reasons and then fell in love (if we can call that as love). If she didn't wanted to cheat or fall in love, then she wouldn't have made series of informed decisions with the full knowledge of negative and cruel implications of them on you, her relationship with you and her APs family. She knew it and she did it anyway. It wasn't slip up. It wasn't mistake. It wasn't accident. It was deliberate and intentional CHOICE of sabotaging you and her AP's family for her misplaced needs. I repeat it was HER CHOICE. Her choice highlights her character which is not so wonderful.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 9:58 PM, Monday, August 28th]

The above, it's pretty much it. There just is no secret sauce. You feel attracted, you get to know each other, you feel accepted, you open up, let yourself get vulnerable, you start to care, you think you love. But you have to want it.

[This message edited by bob7777 at 9:25 PM, Monday, August 28th]

IC should be very helpful for you. Hold on.

I suggest you stick with the psychologist for a long time to get to analyse and accept certain things about your character.

You are not perfect. And neither is your girlfriend. Far from it. No one is. She needs as much help as you do to recognise her flaws and ensure that she doesn’t do this to someone else down the track. Not that it’s going to be a problem for you cause it appears this relationship is over. You have to prepare for a life without her. And better now, unmarried and without kids.

Most of us who are married with children wished this had happened to us when we weren’t married with children. Not trying to imply there is less pain for unmarried people without children, but you are not weighed down by extra burdens. Because when you bring children in this world you have to ensure you factor them into your decision about home life.

Getting back to your issue, she’s wasn’t perfect dude. She’s not a Goddess. She’s not the only beautiful woman in the world. And she’s not the kindest and most loving. Kind and loving humans don’t step out of relationships and sleep with married people.

If you want a kind and loving person, first work on yourself. You have severe self esteem issues. Fix yourself first and you can do that by working with a psychologist to understand why you are who you are and ensure the next woman you’re with you can be vulnerable and open and create a healthy relationship.

Have you told the betrayed wife about her husband’s affair with your ex? You need to do that if you already haven’t.

[This message edited by Mene at 11:23 PM, Monday, August 28th]

My answer is: I have no idea what is wrong with me and I seriously need help. I wake up and go to bed with nothing else on my mind besides her, our relationship, jealousy of loosing her and occasionally what she did with AP. This is not normal and I hope therapy will help me get through this because there are nights I truly just want to not wake up the next day.

It is perfectly normal.. Don't stress about what's normal. After that kind of betrayal it takes a while to stop all the ruminating.

It is perfectly normal.. Don't stress about what's normal. After that kind of betrayal it takes a while to stop all the ruminating.

This may be normal for some people. But not for me.

I's been like that for WHOLE 7 months now. Eversince the breakup, this is status quo. Every single second of the day.