SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Having a real bad weekend, all I can think about is my wife and the guy she cheated on me with. My mind is just playing out different scenarios of what they used to do ( not just the sex ) all I can do is compare myself to him which I know is not healthy bit I can't stop it. I have tried talking to my wife about this but that just seams to make things worse because I know for a time she wanted him more than me. My depression and anxiety are at an all time high right now which is obviously not helping ( mainly because the affair is the cause) I really want to make things work but every day is a struggle to the point where I can't even look at my wife without being triggered, even watching TV/film or reading seams to trigger me. I just hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel

Hey Broken, I'm in the JFO forum too but I'm replying to you because I have been here before, with my ex-husband, and I want to assure you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

In comparing my two experiences, the ongoing one and the one in the past, there are a lot of factors that have made this instance easier (...so far). The biggest is that this time around, I was already in individual therapy. That has been unbelievably helpful. If you can get into therapy, please do so - get on a waiting list, get on a bunch of waiting lists! While you wait for therapy to begin, try picking up some books:

For yourself, for emotional distress tolerance and to begin to identify your feelings and thoughts:
* The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay (note- I don't have borderline p.d. and you probably don't either, but DBT is the most widely-studied therapy and there's not, IMO, a human being alive who can't benefit from DBT)
* Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks by Seth Gillihan

For both of you - and this is for whether reconciliation is on the table or not; there is helpful stuff in all of these books and none of them assume you will definitively reconcile:
* Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples by Dr. Monique Thompson
* Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass

For your wife:
* How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald
* The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (you can read this one too but I'm betting right now you might not really want to.)

The idea is to distill everything down for yourself to two questions: What am I feeling? What do I need in this moment?

The other big help is that I have a great support network, and I am leaning on them. Visit your friends, family; if you want a stronger social network, get on Meetup and try out a few events with a few groups. I started doing that in the wake of my ex-husband's infidelity, and now more than 10 years later, many of the women I met are my best friends. There are lots of other options of course - church / religious groups, sports groups, etc.

Please don't compare yourself to OM. :( OM has no integrity, no courage to do the right thing, no meaningful values. Whatever other attributes a person has, if they don't have integrity and a solid value system that they live by....those other attributes are meaningless.

Others will be along shortly - I know weekends can be a bit slow but I also know they're the hardest time when you're in the thick of it, as you are right now.

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use. Generally, it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and that doesn't include the work of R.

If you're having a tough time, please see your doctor for meds. I was on meds for about a year, so taking them doesn't mean you need to take them forever. You will also want to be tested for STDs, as should your WW.

Comparing yourself to AP is very common, but you really shouldn't. Look at all the great looking, best body actors who have been cheater on. Nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say caused your WW to cheat. She has a character flaw that needs fixed.

What is she doing to become a safe partner? I wouldn't offer the gift of R until she shows that she's changing.

Hey broken dreams,
Sorry you had to find us. As the others said, there are great resources in the healing library and also posts here in the JFO forum with the bullseyes. You may have to page back a bit to find them.
And as hard as it is, don't compare yourself to him. He’s scum - no integrity, no morals, liar, cheater… just worthless.

You are very fresh, so don’t put pressure on yourself to decide what to do. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.
See your doctor for a full STI/STD panel and talk to him/her about your anxiety. They can help. (They have heard it all- don’t be embarrassed).
Many of us ended up on anti-anxiety drugs for a little while to help us manage. No shame in that game. Let them know if you are having trouble sleeping, too.

Also, take care of yourself. Get some exercise every day, drink lots of water, eat healthfully, and avoid alcohol (ask me how I know that one). These all help you mind and your body.

Talk to someone IRL. A therapist who understands trauma (because this IS a trauma) can be really helpful. Do you have a best friend, sibling, parent, pastor, someone to talk to ? It really helps.

You are the prize — just keep repeating that to yourself. Keep posting, keep reading. You will get through this. We promise.

Welcome to SI

I just want to say that infidelity is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. There is so much trauma involved it will take a while to heal. Healing is a journey that is long and necessary. There are no short cuts and it's not linear, you will have great days then crash. Please read here and ask all the questions you need, this is a safe place for you.

Welcome here brother...

I'm sorry for you pain. There's no magic bullet that's gonna make everything better. Your healing depends entirely one one thing and one thing only. You.

It's a process and it's going to take time and effort to heal, regardless of whether you reconcile or divorce. In fact, regardless of those two paths or staying in limbo for a while, your number 1 focus should be on your healing.

Read up in the Healing Library and keep posting (vent your anger here if you have to!). In particular, pay attention to the 180 FAQ/articles. They present a means for regaining control over your life and the direction you take. It's about putting practices into action to make sure you're heading in the right direction. As others have said - consult a doctor/counselor, exercise, eat healthy and avoid vices, and get plenty of sleep. You need to be at your best both physically and emotionally to get through this.

Those mind movies and the anxiety are killers. But they will fade as you regain control. You just have to deal with those triggers as they come. It's okay to feel angry, confused, depressed, and frantic. You have to feel the pain to get through it.

Please know that you're wife's actions are IN NO WAY a reflection upon you as a person, or as a man. It was all about building up a fantasy version of the affair in her mind, and falling in love with her own delusions while you where back here dealing with reality. It has nothing to do with you, and quite frankly, nothing to do with the other man either. You can't win the game because, quite simply, there is no game. The only comparison that matters is who you are today vs. the person you were yesterday.

Hang in there - stay strong and stay smart. Stand up and believe in yourself and that you will get through this. This may very well be the most difficult thing you face in your life, but you will find that deep inner reserve of strength to get through this and move forward in your life. We're here to guide you along the way, but you have to take the steps.

You're gonna be okay

Check the following in youtube

Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma - The difference between Genuine Love and Attachment

Depression is a big repulsion. Suppress it and do you other things like job even better. Keeping you head high in face of adversity is sexy even WSs notice that

[This message edited by goalong at 2:59 PM, Monday, October 9th]

Please, under no circumstances suppress your depression. Right now you are suffering,
and the last thing you need to worry about is being attractive to your WW. Get treatment foriyour depression, get on meds, eat healthy, and work out in order to balance your hormone levels. Depression is a real and treatable thing.

I was diagnosed with depression after dday#1 and put on meds. I was even given anti-anxiety tablets for emergency use. The first month after Dday, I ate the equivalent of a handful of nuts. I lost almost 25 pounds and could not get off the couch. I was suicidal and struggling.

To be honest, it's been so long now, that this period in my life is a blur. I'd need to sit down with journals and retrace what happened. Maybe forgetting is a good thing as it was the darkest time in my life.

I didn't get the real story on Dday#1 and attempted to heal myself based on the lies my WW was feeding me. I did pretty good focusing on my health. I worked out regularly, took time for myself, and rekindled friendships. When dday#2 hit, I was in a much better place in terms of emotional health. Thus,I responded not by being crushed, but in anger. I blew up the A to everyone and kicked my WW to the guest bedroom. Although I did not know about this site, I managed to do a few things right. I wish I would have gotten a timeline before offering R, but I didn't know they were a thing.

I gave my WW 6 months to prove to me that she was worth it. Before Dday, she was my everything. But now, I actively tried to detach from her as she finally wanted to save the M. Sadly, wanting to save the M was the only thing she did. She read no books, watched no videos, visited no websites other than those who helped cheaters get away with their infidelity without digging into her whys.

The really difficult thing for me was being around my source of trauma ever day. I remember waking up every morning, and for a split second, I felt normal, as if my whole life hadn't been destroyed. And then it would hit me. My heart broke in that second and I had to will myself through the day.

Detaching from my WW was critical for me. I enjoyed the period of HB, but I was not attracted to my WW anymore. She had become a thing I put my dick into. I know, not very healthy, but I wasctrying to fake it till I make it.

It wasn't until I took a week long trip just after the 6 month mark that I realized that my WW was no longer good enough for me, nor would she ever be able to do thecwork to become a safe, high quality partner. She just did not possess the raw materials to work with. Rather, she had always been a person that relied on others to bail her out, and now she would have needed to dig deep and find the moral fortitude to fix what she broke. I realized that I was no longer in love with her, nor had I ever been. I had loved the fictionalized version of her, the woman I had hoped I married.

You see, once I saw the real woman I was with, she just wasn't very attractive anymore, at least not to me. So after my trip, we had a conversation in which I told her we were done. It was the first time I had know peace in over 6 months. I slept like a baby. Sure, I grieved, but I knew I made the right decision.

I'm not saying you should D or R. That's up to you. You are atvtge beginning of your journey, and as you give us more information, we can offer more targeted advice. You've already been given advice, some of it contradictory, so take what you need and leave the rest. Rooting for you.