SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s like having the fog lift and everything gets clear. I’m sad but I feel calm. I think I was sadder though trying to make it work with no avail and not realizing that it’s of no use. You can’t force someone to love you and you can’t force them to be attracted to you, especially if they’ve steeled there mind against it. I feel sad for the kids 16 & 13, but I don’t feel sad that my marriage will end soon. I guess I’m willing to be surprised between now and the new year if she takes steps to fix things, but I started asking for what I need almost 6 months ago and then demanding it around 3 months ago. With only a little action happening a few weeks ago when I brought up D. I’m guessing she’ll do her usual agreeing to anything in the moment and then as soon as that gets the pressure is off, she’ll just do what she wants to do, as is her modus operandi. There is a definite pursuit withdrawal aspect to our marriage and I’m done pursuing. She can withdraw all the way to hell for all I care now. I’m done, if she wants the marriage now she will do ALL the heavy lifting now. I’m out.

[This message edited by Gunnut at 5:20 PM, Thursday, October 12th]

It is sad and it's ok to grieve. Time for you to be the one to pull away. Take the time you need to feel the grief, but also know that life on the other side can be so much better.

I cried when I filed, and I cried when the call came that the D was final. (During COVID, so much more was done by phone.)

There's also a thread where you can post what you'd like to say to your WW so that you can stay NC. Feel free to post away there, too.

There is a clarity of mind that comes when you know this is what you need to do. Doesn’t make it easier and certainly not happy about it, but, like you said, when you know, you know.

Best of luck in the next steps. Treat it like a business arrangement and take care of you and your kids.
The feels will still happen - and that is okay. You are nearly out of infidelity. There is a good life on the other side.

The thread pinned here about fear vs reality is a good read, too.

Have you filed anything yet? I couldn't tell from your post.

Nothing is filed yet. I filled out all the paperwork last April, but I had hope enough to warily keep trying. If I file now, I’ll have to resubmit the financial stuff anyways, after the new year, so I’m better of time wise to just wait until January and that’ll give me one more holiday season to be with my kids as an intact family unit.

My biggest fear has been realized; the pain of a difficult R followed by the pain of a D. That pain wasn’t totally a waste though, I feel as though I did my best and I don’t have any nagging doubt that I could have actually done something to save my marriage. She is the one who decided to cheat before dday and put me on a shelf sexually during R and not giving a shit about my much vocalized needs. She can put me on a shelf, but I don’t sure as hell have to stay there.

Since D’s typically take so much time, why not start the process now? When you serve her, tell her what you said here: you’re done pursuing her and you’re done having your needs ignored. Tell her if she wants to save the M, it’s still possible, but she’ll have to SUSTAIN pursuing YOU and meeting your needs consistently. Tell her you wished she had it in her but you no longer can convince yourself of that, and now the ball’s 100% in her court. You never know - having her served just might be the final wake-up call she needs. I doubt that, but it’s the final stop on the R railway before the train derails.

@gr8ful

I think that’s great advice most of the time, but not in this situation at present, I will file when I’m done with the marriage and I won’t look back. She needs to find it in herself to want to fight for me and the marriage. I’m uninterested in manipulating her into action. Paperwork is not my strong suit, it will take me more time than most. I would rather spend my time now hunting, with my kids, than doing the financial paperwork that I’ll have to re do in 2.5 months anyways. That is her window and once closed it’s closed for good. She has squandered enough of R so far that there will be no third chance, R was her second chance and she has proven to me that it’s unimportant to her so far and time is running out fast. I’m guessing that she won’t care enough to do work in time for it to matter. The way I feel now, I’m not sure anything she does will matter anyways. I’m feeling done.

[This message edited by Gunnut at 7:09 PM, Monday, October 16th]

The way I feel now, I’m not sure anything she does will matter anyways. I’m feeling done.

This is when I knew I was done too. That there was NOTHING my xWS could do to bring me back to wanting to stay in the M. Didn't matter if he changed and went to therapy and became a whole NEW person. Even a new M with him wouldn't have worked. I was done. I had no feelings of love, empathy or respect for him for what he had put me through.

l had no feelings of love, empathy or respect for him for what he had put me through.

This would certainly be much easier if I had no feelings of love, empathy and respect for her. The weird thing is that I’m her sole source of emotional support and it seems like that’s meaningless to her now.

I just replied to your post in General, and then saw this one.

Honestly, I think you're in a good place. You've realised that you can't love her into being a better person. Only she can do that. You've just committed to moving on from the pain to a better place. What she does is up to her. While there's a certain pathos to this, there's also a certain freedom that you've just given yourself by coming to this realisation - the freedom to be responsible for yourself (and your kids) by letting your wife be free to be responsible for herself.

You're a hunter. You know what the fox has to do when it gets caught in the bear-trap. It's the same thing when stuck in a bad relationship. One thing you never hear about though, is about anyone ever fucking with a three-legged fox. Because that fox is obviously an absolute badass capable of dealing with anything that comes its way.

Was it the incident with the Poker app that finally clicked your decision into place?

I don’t see where it should matter that "you are her sole source of emotional support".

You have given this marriage your best but she’s still betraying you and lying about it. The poker app (while still being used) is a big FU in my opinion.

I think it’s safe to say you have left no stone unturned regarding this marriage.

So sorry for you.

Was it the incident with the Poker app that finally clicked your decision into place?

No it’s been coming to a head. I’ve clearly been stating that my needs aren’t being met for a half a year and she seems to think that I should be super impressed that she finally went to an IC about 3 weeks ago and they aren’t even working on my concerns yet.

About the coming to a head part; A few months ago I was looking for some parts to a deerstand in my late father’s stuff and I came across a few things of mine that he destroyed when I was a young adult, because he was mad that I owed him money. I’d gotten badly injured at work, was unable to work and they illegally fired me. Instead of financially helping or saying don’t worry about until your back on your feet, (as he could have easily done since he was rich)he totally went berserk and ruined some things that I had asked to store at my parents house because at the time I was basically homeless and staying with different friends unable to afford rent. I was estranged for a year or more but didn’t really makeup over it ever but the relationship eventually was a relationship again although not a very good one for a long while. The epiphany I had, after finding my stuff, was, “Why didn’t I just end the relationship.” and"Why did I need the approval of someone who had such a low opinion and disrespect for me". Then it occurred to me that I’m still doing it with my WW. I don’t have answer for my own question and that is why I’m returning to IC.

The Poker site by itself wasn’t the last straw, but the ensuing blow up she had about it specifically "They were ONLY EAs" and "It was JUST one PA may have been the last straw.

[This message edited by Gunnut at 6:59 PM, Monday, October 16th]

I don’t see where it should matter that "you are her sole source of emotional support".

It doesn’t matter, I find just it curious though that it seems like she would rather be a hermit than do the things to be a decent friend and wife.

[This message edited by Gunnut at 7:00 PM, Monday, October 16th]

It doesn’t matter, I find just it curious though that it seems like she would rather be a hermit than do the things to be a decent friend and wife.

I tortured myself with all sorts of "why" questions, why my stbxw's said one thing, while her actions showed something else.
I've come to the conclusion she is prioritizing something else, otherwise this perfectly capable adult would have taken the steps necessary to save the marriage. You are right to let her make her choices. I tried to coddle the truth out of my stbxww, I tried pressure, I let her know one step at a time that divorce was imminent without a change of course. Ultimately, it's their choice and most of us never get to know why.

I'm still working to dismiss the "why" questions, logically I know it's pointless, emotionally they surface and need to be dealt with.

@ ANewPerson

The funny thing is my biggest whys have been finally been answered; my two biggest unanswered questions were "Why did you risk the marriage to cheat ?" And, "What did you tell yourself to excuse it?” I think the answer is because she doesn’t care about me and the marriage therefore had to tell herself nothing. It certainly answers more questions than it raises about the affairs and speaks volumes about the difficulties in R.

[This message edited by Gunnut at 9:07 PM, Monday, October 16th]

The funny thing is my biggest whys have been finally been answered; my two biggest unanswered questions were "Why did you risk the marriage to cheat ?" And, "What did you tell yourself to excuse it?" I think the answer is because she doesn’t care about me and the marriage therefore had to tell herself nothing

@Gunnut

I deeply suspect that is the case in all adulterous actions.

Why are we careful about our fingers when cutting something with a powersaw? We care enough to want to keep our fingers free of injury, pretty simple. If a WS cared as much about the BS as normal person cares about an appendage the "entanglement" would never have occurred.

"What did you tell yourself to excuse it?" I think the answer is because she doesn’t care about me and the marriage therefore had to tell herself nothing.

If a WS cared as much about the BS as normal person cares about an appendage the "entanglement" would never have occurred.

^^^ Great analogy.

I absolutely agree with this. The WS KNOWS exactly how much this would hurt the BS. It's why A's are hidden and why they lie so much after an A is discovered. They know how they would feel if it happened to them. That's why I believe a WS is willing to roll the dice in an event that it leads to D. For them, at the time of the A, it is worth it for them to roll that dice. They know the risk.