SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out that while my SO and I were long distance for a short period (I was working across the country) he had an A with a woman he just met. He confessed and told me everything. According to him, the OW asked to have sex with him several times one morning, and each time he said no. They were alone in a room, where she then got naked and asked him once more, in which he said yes. They then slept with each other many times for several days after that. WP says that the first time was sexual coercion, which I can agree with. What I'm confused about is, he said if the first time never happened, then the subsequent times never would have either. And that the first dalliance shouldn't count since he was coerced. Therefore, according to him, the others shouldn't count either. But I feel as though all of the other times should count since he freely said yes following the first incident and stayed with her for several days. I'm confused and conflicted. One on hand I am so angry and hurt and I feel like my whole world has fallen out from under me. On the other hand, I feel guilty for being so angry if the whole situation does fall into coercion. I don't know how to feel and if my anger is justified or if I should forgive him since he did try to say no. Any advice on how to navigate this would be appreciated.

With the limited details, it’s hard to say that he was coerced or not. What I can say is that when this happens, we want to search for any reason to make it not that bad and/or not our spouse’s fault. It’s part of grieving. I feel horrible for this but I remember hoping my husband had a brain tumor so it could explain why he would do this to us. Sending hugs to you in these difficult days. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

My thoughts on "coercion" is that there would be some sort of force or extortion. Did she have a gun? Was she blackmailing him with something that was truly ruinous, something that would have resulted in irreplaceable loss? It sounds like he's confusing "coercion" with "temptation"... and the world is full of temptation. The antidote to that is character and meaningful values.

They always have a choice.

KKslider -

So very sorry you're here. A betrayed spouse generally never gets the 'real' story' right off the bat. However, this is some kind of story he came up with...

First, there's the question of how these two met, and then the question of how they ended up in a room.. (hotel room? Your bedroom? A conference room?)..in the morning.. (morning?) Once in that room, there's the question of why this woman would just suddenly begin begging for sex. Generally, that's not what most people lead with. Let's say we could get past all that;

Being presented with a naked body and deciding to immediately insert a body part into it wouldn't be 'coercion' - it would be what we call 'horniness and complete lack of boundaries'. Or, alternately, a voluntary affair.

It's also pretty clear that repeatedly going at like little bunnies for 'several days' after that would not be coercion. I'm assuming this room had windows, or at the least, a door.

Nothing about his 'story' is likely remotely true.. Please, protect yourself.

Do NOT tell him about this forum. This is your safe space.

You don't say WHEN this happened, but if you have had sex with him at any time during period six months PRIOR to that and now, stop physical contact and go get tested for STDs immediately.

You don't deserve what's happening to you and it's not your fault.

Take in the advice here and get your feet under you.

[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 7:28 PM, Friday, October 20th]

I kept it short for simplicity but here is a little backstory. He was on a long hike (several months) and met her, who was also on the hike. They met each other when they stayed at the same hostel one night and apparently there was a lot of inappropriate conversation between the two. She kept saying she was very attracted to him but (according to him) he never reciprocated. They stayed the night there, with many other hikers. In the morning, all of the other hikers left and it was just the two of them in the hostel, which was structured as a large open room with several beds. This was when she began coming on to him and he kept declining. After several hours, she stripped in front of him and saw that he was turned on. He began to excuse himself and she asked if he was going to masturbate and if she could watch. He said yes and yes, and that eventually led to sex. They hiked with each other for several days after that and had sex during that time. He's been very forthcoming with information and answers every question I have, even when I ask for the details. He is really regretful of his actions and has taken accountability. I don't want to be the person that victim blames or who tells someone that they aren't a victim just because I'm hurt by what happened. If he truly believes h was coerced, I don't think its my place to tell him he's wrong. I think a therapist should do that. But with all the yelling and crying and asking him "how could you" there's a small part of me that feels guilty. If he really didn't want to do it, but felt like he had to for whatever reason, he should be getting help. Maybe I am just trying to make it less bad than it actually is. Maybe since I love him I would rather accept this than face the reality of what happened. I'm not sure. I'm just confused and hurt and so so tired.

[This message edited by kkslider at 7:41 PM, Friday, October 20th]

His story is ridiculous. He for whatever reason is lying about this. I think you absolutely need to show some strength and tell him as a grown man he had the ability to choose. And he chose to participate.
Until he is honest about that there is no hope to save the relationship.
That also said of you aren't married and don't have children with this person you should walk away. Do not go into a lifetime relationship with someone who is so weak they can't say no or walk away.
Get tested for STDs and get yourself into therapy to heal in a healthy way from this trauma.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find our site. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of information, including a list of acronyms we use.

If he were coerced, why didn't he have law enforcement involved? He could have left the hostel and found a different place to stay. He had a bunch of different options. If he were coerced, then why did he go on hikes with her later and continue to hav.e sex? It doesn't make sense. He had decisions he could have made, and he decided that sex with her was more important at that time than monogamy in your relationship.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a good blueprint that he can use as a starting point. I suggest that you read it, too. Just because you're not married doesn't mean the book isn't for your situation.

Every time this happens, with every one of our spouses, there are a series of steps, choices, decisions, conversations, that steadily lead down the road to the sexual activity. He made a series of choices, she made a series of choices, they were all leading to the ultimate conclusion of sexual activity. That's why they were both still there after all the other hikers left.

Each step was crossing a boundary line, progressively, till the final one was crossed.

What that gives you some insight into how your significant other thinks.

He knew what was happening, he was playing along with it, he may have been telling himself that he wouldn't go "all the way" but that's why he stayed when everyone left, that's why he continued to stay as she continued to persist.

This isn't Coercion, this is bad decision, making, compounded by more bad decision, making, compounded by very poor boundaries in your relationship (boundaries that he should have set for himself).

And you should not be thinking clearly right now, clear, thinking comes sometimes months after these disclosures, I didn't get the real story from my spouse until six months after she confessed, which was nine years after the affair.

Good luck, take care of yourself first, because you cannot rely on your partner to take care of you. That is the primary responsibility of a partner in a relationship, to take care of the other partner, just as they would take care of themselves.

The way I see it, the second instance of infidelity is the one that counts the most. Things happen. People get swept away. Not to excuse it, but these things happen.

However the second time there is most likely more thought put into it. They weren’t guilty for the first instance. They probably enjoyed the first romp so much that they were wiling to put the whole marriage at risk.

His logic is just plain stupid

Welcome here little sister...

WP says that the first time was sexual coercion

If that is the case... if that truly is the case and your WP isn't just spouting bullshit, then he needs to press sexual assault charges against her. Just because he got horny from seeing a naked girl does not excuse his behaviour. He can make a choice.

You should feel upset and angry and confused. Your WP betrayed you, plain and simple. I'm sorry for what you're going through. But until he takes ownership over what he did (or what "allegedly" happened to him), then nothing is going to get better.

Right now, take a step back and think about what you need to be happy, what you need to heal from this, and what's important to you, and put the focus there and on how to protect that. You don't deserve any of this, and none of this is your fault.

He is really regretful of his actions and has taken accountability. I don't want to be the person that victim blames or who tells someone that they aren't a victim just because I'm hurt by what happened.

Being accountable means that a WS doesn't blame anything other than his own lack of appropriate boundaries. This is a man who said "yes". No one made him do that. He wasn't victimized because he actually did have a choice. What he's telling you is that his penis decides for him and that when confronted with a naked body, he has no will of his own.

Believe it or not, we really DO understand how convincing a regretful and panicking WS can be. I'm still shocked to this day how easily my fWH looked into my eyes and lied his ass off. There was one time when he was storming through the house, completely indignant that I should be questioning his word on the matter, while all along HE KNEW he was lying. It looked real. We are still together now though because he was able to actually take responsibility and learn how to be accountable, not just to me but to himself.

R starts with honesty. Anything else is just spinning your wheels until one day they finally drop off. While your empathy toward your WS is admirable, I think you have to ask yourself if it's helping to achieve the kind of honesty you need to see from him.

My advice is to spend a bit of time thinking about YOUR boundaries, meaning what you're willing to tolerate from a guy who says he wants a monogamous relationship with you. Right now, you're dealing with a guy who's claiming he was victimized by his own penis when the unassailable truth is that he had a choice.

These people answering you are professionals at sniffing out crap. His story is full of it. That old saying you can put lipstick on a pig but it is still a pig fits right in here. I hope you are smart enough to know this.

We all know how desperate you are to believe him but there is nothing there. No one ever wants the truth to be true. It is the very first response in the 5 stages of grieving. At some point your common sense is going to wake up.

I am so sorry you are going through this. A sad welcome to the club.

Hi, welcome to SI. Sorry you find yourself here.

IMO his story is as true as the sun rises in the WEST.

IF, and that's a big IF he's telling the truth, he could have simply said no and left. Instead he stayed and had sex for days.

I'm wondering if he knew this woman before the hike and she threatened to expose their affair so he confessed because rarely do cheaters ever confess. Gently, I think you need to dig deeper, much deeper.

[This message edited by annb at 12:11 AM, Saturday, October 21st]

They met each other when they stayed at the same hostel one night and apparently there was a lot of inappropriate conversation between the two. She kept saying she was very attracted to him but (according to him) he never reciprocated. They stayed the night there, with many other hikers. In the morning, all of the other hikers left and it was just the two of them in the hostel, which was structured as a large open room with several beds. This was when she began coming on to him and he kept declining. After several hours, she stripped in front of him and saw that he was turned on.

He was "coerced"? Please….

1). He willfully engaged in "a lot of inappropriate conversation". He could have shut it down then.

2). She told him she was attracted to him (but he didn’t reciprocate…"according to him). But he didn’t shut her down either. It was likely "implied"he was attracted by the "inappropriate conversations" and the fact he was still "engaging with her".

3). After several hours?? She stripped and she saw he was turned on? What exactly were they doing and talking about for several hours? He could have removed himself at any time.

No legal authority is going to "buy coercion" when he continued to engage with her and had sex multiple more times since the alleged incident. You shouldn’t either! The only "victim" here is you.

Cheaters lie and minimize. No one wants to be the "villain " in their own story so it’s a "groomer" corrupting the otherwise pure wife or a "temptress" mesmerizing the poor, innocent man.

I worked in the restaurant business in the 80s and 90s as a General Manager. Those places were filled with young, single beautiful women who wanted to sleep with the boss. I could have been "coerced" numerous times but shut that shit down from the first hint of inappropriate behavior. Your SO had the same option and chose not to. I’m sure she couldn’t have physically restrained him had he chose to leave.

As many others have said, you are likely seeing the "tip of the iceberg". Keep digging…..

[This message edited by ImaChump at 2:37 AM, Saturday, October 21st]

What you describe is not coercion; it’s temptation. Moreover, it’s temptation that he facilitated and encouraged with his poor boundaries.

He’s either knowingly misrepresenting the encounter to try to soft-peddle the story and get sympathy instead of anger, or he actually believes that he has no power to remove himself from a situation in which a woman is making sexual advances. Neither option makes for a safe partner and healthy relationship.

I’m sorry you have to face this ugly reality.

Jokingly we betrayed spouses (BS) refer to something (fictional) called the cheater’s handbook. It’s meant to imply that cheater’s have patterns of very predictable behavior.

Here are a few examples:

Cheater: we did not have sex (until you find out they did).

Cheater: we only kissed (usually there’s more to it than that)

Cheater: I wanted to end the affair but I was afraid the spouse would find out (as an excuse as to why the affair lasted for a year).

In this situation your cheater is playing victim. Hoping you won’t come down too hard. Hoping it can be "poor me" and swept under the rug.

Your SO willingly had sex.

I can tell you my H led me to believe the OW came in to him. That she pursued him. And stupidly I believed it b/c it was easier to believe he wasn’t that bad of a guy. And then I found out HE approached the OW at a bar. And I accepted he is that guy.

Sadly in this case the first step towards reconciliation or healing is getting your SO to admit his tale of betrayal is a lie. And that he willingly had sex.

Otherwise you should just move on. If the cheater cannot admit the truth now then there is no hope for your future. It will continue to be filled with lies and dishonesty IMO.

Hey OP, I hope you are still reading these replies. There is a unanimity to them regarding coercion. You may be buying his version of what happened, not because you believe it to be true, but because you desperately want it to be true. Hey, we've all been there. Sometimes it takes time to process enough to get to a place of objectivity.

Taking the details of the story at face value, he wasn't coerced.

He lingered in a room alone with her and chose to take part in inappropriate banter. He had other choices here--walking out of the room, shutting down the banter, etc.

He still chose to stay in the room when she continually offer sex. Again, could have left the room or shut it down.

Ok, so pause here and think. If the tables were turned and you'd been in his shoes (alone in the room with a man flirting heavily and now him offering sex), would you know you were already crossing lines by staying in the room and continuing this banter? Would you have realized that staying in the room=continuing to decide to go down the road of being disloyal to your spouse? That continuing to stay in the room=sending a signal to the man that you were receptive to considering sex?

Your SO is an adult. He knew all this. No one kept him in that room. He chose to stay and participate in the conversation.

He stayed even as she stripped. He chose to stay knowing the temptation was ramping up.

Even with a naked woman and an er*ction, it's not coercion. A man isn't required to relieve an er*ction by having sex. He isn't required to let someone watch while he takes care if himself.

Please don't let him gaslight you into believing he's a victim here.

He stayed in a room alone with a woman and participated in the temptation ramping up.

He chose this.

He needs to own his choices. He needs to deal with why his boundaries are so poor and why he is now trying to blame shift.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 3:03 PM, Saturday, October 21st]

Being accountable means that a WS doesn't blame anything other than his own lack of appropriate boundaries. This is a man who said "yes".

IOW, your SO is NOT being accountable at this point.

I don't know how to feel and if my anger is justified or if I should forgive him since he did try to say no. Any advice on how to navigate this would be appreciated.

First, you feel what you feel. No need to justify anger - it's a normal response to being betrayed.

Forgiveness works only if it's earned, and it takes lots of trust-building actions to earn trust back. My reco is to take forgiveness off the table for now.

IMO, getting back together requires complete honesty from the WS (and BS, too). By that I mean, your SO needs to be honest with you and with himself. If he's giving himself any sort of pass on this, he's lying to both of you. =He was not raped or coerced in any way. The $%^& made a series of offers, and he accepted.

Do you know what you want to do stay or go? It may be too early to know, so 'IDK' can be your most honest answer.