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I need to share this because today I feel like I have arrived to a destination I have set towards shortly after dday and because of dday.

6 years ago, right about this time, I had my dday. From a reconciliation perspective you can find my update in my other thread.

But from a personal, individual, non relationship perspective here it is: on dday I had an full time job in a low managerial role and it felt to me that my biggest achievement in life was my family.

When it all came crushing down, it floored me to levels where I had no clue if I would make it on the other side alive. I had two ddays 4 months apart and was diagnosed by my IC with severe ptsd. Each time WH would exit the room or go to work I would have a panic attack and my heart would explode out of my chest.

And then one day, in counselling, I understood: somehow I have allowed myself, during my marriage, to become fully reliant on my WH and put him on a pedestal. Whilst I had a full time job, he took all the important decisions, including the financial ones and his betrayal didn’t feel "only" like betrayal, but like discarding and abandonment.

I have set myself a plan then, the mighty plan B that we all talk about, my healing and safety plan, and the two key elements below:

I will not become my WH’s warden. He’s free to decide if he wants to be in my life or not, another affair meant he’s out of my life, I will not waste my life trying to prevent it.

I will not remain married for the sake of financial reason, kids, assets etc. My WH earned, at the time, 3 to almost 4 times more than me. In order to know that I am healed I wanted to get to the point when a man’s existence in my life (reconciliation or not) is just because I want him there, not because I needed him.

The second element required me focusing on my career. Oh have I mention that I got sacked a year past dday? I’ve started chasing job after job since then, lost jobs to Covid, got jobs that I have no clue how I’ve held down with all the anxiety and panic attacks, lack of concentration we all experience following dday and those moments when you feel like you barely want to get out of bed.

And today I have arrived to my destination: I have interviewed last week for a role that is my dream job. A Head of Department at a very high profile institution with a team reporting into me and a salary to match. I didn’t expect to get it. I’ve just had the call offering me the job.

I cannot explain how overwhelmed I feel and how happy I am. It took me such a long time post dday focusing on my Wh, his actions, his whereabouts that this point where I’m now felt impossible. It was not. Today is day when I’m proud of myself!

Thank you all for the support back then on this journey!

You go, girl! I also lost my job after DDAY (i was a mess, not that surprising) and it took some time to get my career on track again, but when he was no longer part of the equation, I was able to get a job that is perfect for me and pays enough. Amazing what happens when we focus on ourselves.

Very proud of you!!

That's so awesome! Congratulations!

Great news!

Congratulations Luna10,

I cannot explain how overwhelmed I feel and how happy I am. It took me such a long time post dday focusing on my Wh, his actions, his whereabouts that this point where I’m now felt impossible. It was not. Today is day when I’m proud of myself!

I am very happy for you. I feel happy when I see folks that have been through hell successfully clawing their way out that awful place. I can't speak for others here, but I take vicarious pleasure when any of us BSs record a win. And a win like this really brightens my day because I then gain hope that someday my day will come as well.

Thank you for sharing this news.

Edited typo 10.26.23am

[This message edited by wondayatatime at 6:45 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

Looks like a picked a good day to "drive by" the old forum!

Awesome, awesome set of updates (M and career) Luna10!

Congrats! I can relate.

*All the best things* happened when I decided to focus on myself. I would not have believed it.

It started from necessity, and ended in fulfillment.

I am extremely grateful for the wonderful ICs who helped me pick up the pieces, find my path and find the courage to follow it.

I have never felt more confident, happy, and hopeful!

Way to go. I can totally identify with putting my pre-a FWH on a pedestal. Grew up in an abusive household. My bar….we’ll say….was LOW. Lots of PTSD here. Lots of abandonment issues. (And , thankfully, lots of good IC) SO.MANY.PANIC.ATTACKS. Still get triggered, but thankfully not as much.

My getting there was doing a full Ironman. When I finished something I never imagined I could….through much struggle….it kind of reset my limbic system a bit. I really wasn’t sure I could finish the race at all and just kept going. That focusing on myself through that struggle made it impossible to check up on the OW - even though she’s also in that same space. I’m still figuring it all out. And, I’m still wearing my race wristband more than a month later….just because I can’t take it off.

Yep, I have plans A, B, C, and D….with offshoots for A1, A2, etc.

I’m so proud of you. Infidelity trauma is the hardest thing I’ve ever worked through….and I was homeless as a teen with addict parents. Seriously, that was SO much easier. Ironman physically was easier. The emotional working through who I am and my worth…..whew…….That’s the hero’s journey there.

Well done! Relish in your success. You deserve every happiness.

Woot woot Luna!!!
I am so so very proud of you.

It's a pretty great feeling when we achieve goals on our own.

I too not only out H on a pedestal but was also his greatest cheerleader. I definitely took staff positions to allow for the flexibility to allow him grow his career. Post DD that all changed.
I love what I do and will never doubt my ability to do whatever I decide to do again.

What a FANTASTIC update! So happy for you.

That is amazing!! So awesome!

Thank you all! You’ve literally brought tears to my eyes.

I too not only out H on a pedestal but was also his greatest cheerleader. I definitely took staff positions to allow for the flexibility to allow him grow his career. Post DD that all changed.

During the A, WH used his career as an excuse for why he was so disconnected. He never met ow outside working hours, but he would come home and log on his work laptop putting in extra hours because he was so busy (either he would be on Skype with ow or actually catch up on work because he wasted to much time with her in the office). At that point I literally took everything on me, kids, kids activities, cooking, cleaning… everything. I was spinning those bloody plates like crazy. And then bam! Realising that, by being a supportive wife, you’ve supported your spouse to have an affair is some different level of mind fuck.

That’s never happened after dday. Will never happen again. My best interests come first.

People/some users think that when we, BSes further out in R, say things like this and put ourselves and our interests first, we say it as a form of bitterness or punishment to our WSes, we say it because we’re still operating from a position of fear. But the truth is that the way I operated prior to dday was unhealthy.

One thing I wanted to mention is that when I started on this path chasing my dreams (not just career, there are others too, some perhaps even more significant) I did wonder how my WH, a man who needed to become someone’s KISA, who inflated his ego at the potential cost of losing his family, would react. I do need to give him credit, he has been nothing but supportive and celebrated every step I have taken to achieve my potential. (And this isn’t the end hopefully, watch this space).

So if anyone is still reading: you know that feeling you get after dday when your confidence is in the gutter and you feel worthless? There is absolutely no better way to rebuild it than setting off to achieve the best version of yourself, as cliche as that sounds. Whatever that is, career, exercise goals, a new degree, a business of your own... Whilst on the path to achieving your goals and once you get there, if you’re good enough for your cheating spouse becomes a moot point, you realise you are good enough full stop.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 3:49 PM, Friday, October 27th]

This made me happy. You made me feel happy today Luna, thank you.❤️

Our paths and experiences March exactly. KISA syndrome by the cheating spouse, transformed betrayed spouse and a new outlook that puts you in the driver’s seat.

I started my own business / side hustle after the affair ended. Something I’ve always wanted to do. It helped me tremendously in so many ways. Unfortunately COVID shut that business down and I decided not to re-start it.

But I did start a new business (consulting) 3 years ago and it is very successful. Just won our first big contract and see great opportunities in the future.

You rock! Celebrate this achievement and thank you for sharing!!

It’s great to see that through your struggles and down periods you didn’t give up. That grit and determination will make you a knock out in your new role. Wishing you all the best.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:53 AM, Tuesday, October 31st]

I started my own business / side hustle after the affair ended. Something I’ve always wanted to do. It helped me tremendously in so many ways. Unfortunately COVID shut that business down and I decided not to re-start it.

But I did start a new business (consulting) 3 years ago and it is very successful. Just won our first big contract and see great opportunities in the future.

Congratulations to you too on your first big contract!

Thanks for cheering me on when I needed it in the past, yes our paths have been similar and I’m glad to see not only that we’ve made it on the other side, but that we thrived.

Hi Luna! I haven't signed on in ages, but I popped on today and see this! You came to SI right around the same time period as I did and I am so happy to see where you are today.

This really resonated with me.

And then one day, in counselling, I understood: somehow I have allowed myself, during my marriage, to become fully reliant on my WH and put him on a pedestal. Whilst I had a full time job, he took all the important decisions, including the financial ones and his betrayal didn’t feel "only" like betrayal, but like discarding and abandonment.

I know we hear that we need to heal ourselves before we can heal the coupleship, but this is the crux of SO many of us. We lost ourselves in our relationship and finding our way back to ourselves (or even finding ourselves for the first time) is a daunting task that can take a lot of time and emotional energy. Dealing with the PTSD from the trauma, then figuring out what we have to do to claw our way back into the world and make our place is so incredibly hard. Kudos to you for taking the steps to make yourself more independent from your relationship. I have loved watching you become stronger and stronger over the years and it's lovely to see that your relationship has flourished not just in spite of, but because of that work you've done for yourself!

ETA: I forget to say CONGRATS on the job! I hope it's a wonderful new experience for you.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 8:03 PM, Tuesday, November 7th]

Hi Luna,

Congratulations Luna! I really love this for you. We're proud of you too! I hate that it took infidelity to be the impetus for you to get to this place, but I'm glad you made it.

I will not remain married for the sake of financial reason, kids, assets etc. My WH earned, at the time, 3 to almost 4 times more than me. In order to know that I am healed I wanted to get to the point when a man’s existence in my life (reconciliation or not) is just because I want him there, not because I needed him.

I just think that this is so important. For any woman, any person, not just BS. If we can be independent and happy and safe on our own (emotionally, physically, financialy, etc), then we are so much less likely to accept anything less than what we deserve from the people around us.