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I'm nearly 5 years out. Had an amazing and life changing (for the better) fall thus far. But, now there is just real life on the horizon. Just mortgage payments, and family drama, and the holidays coming....while in the midst of A season. Watching a TV show last night with two people falling into love, made me cry. Seeing the leaves turn, makes me cry.

He's reminding me to join him here and now. Which is great-ish. But, sometimes, I feel like I just need to be sad about it. And my being sad.....not suicidal, not enraged, not anything more than just wistfully sad-ish....he doesn't seem to understand. Or rather, he just wishes still wasn't a thing, I bet.

He's making me dinner. We're cuddling on the sofa watching movies. He's distracting me. But, I'm still a little weepy.

Look, I feel like we've come so very far....but it's just still there....simmering behind the scenes. I'm trying to be grateful and see the season....but it is just stuck in my body still, I guess.

I'm sure he feels like I should be over it. He's not pressuring me to be, exactly. He's just saying....be here with me now.

Any longer haulers out here. When did A season stop being as hard. I know it is improved over the years. But, I used to love this time of year and now it just makes me super sad.

I hear you. I feel it too. This is A season for me and I have always felt sad during it. Sad for the loss of a love and marriage I was secure in. Turns out, it was a lie. We’re good now. Things have changed and I know he’s trying to be a good man…a good spouse. But, I still mourn what I thought I had. The kind of man I thought I had. It’s been a difficult adjustment and most times I don’t think about it.. I’m 11 years out now and I have a serious health issue that keeps me occupied, but it does still cross my mind at this time of year.

I, honestly, think you should be allowed to be sad. Sweeping it under the table never did anyone any good. Try to explain to him how you feel and that, for whatever reason, you need to go through the sadness to continue healing.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 9:40 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]

He's just saying....be here with me now.

I know he's trying to be supportive and urge you to get back in the present, like they teach us in counseling, but he'd do well to meet you where you are and support you where you are instead of urging you to move on when you're clearly not ready.

Tell him: "Be here with ME now."

Hold me. Apologize again. Tell me again how you'll never do that to me ever again. Reassure me. Allow me grace to talk about what I need to talk about and feel what I need to feel. And talk about your thoughts and feelings with me.

The thing is, if he can get in there with you, you'll feel heard and seen and you're likely to be able to "put it away" more quickly. At least that's the way it works for me.

I'm 19 years out. A season for me is late summer, which I've never liked anyway. August is hot and miserable in Texas, with summer dragging on seemingly forever. Although it wasn't really loaded after about the first 3-4 years, I think it took about ten years for me before DDay was just another day and August was just miserable because of the heat. I'm so sorry that fall and the holiday season is tainted for you.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 6:16 PM, Wednesday, November 1st]

I agree with SS33. Your here and now IS weepy, sad, etc.

I you're numbers-conscious, and maybe even if you're not, the 5 year antiversary can be a big one. So is 7, 10, etc. Unless you can guarantee that you're totally unconscious about numbers , I see nothing worrisome in your feelings, though I think your H doesn't fully get it. As SS33 says, I think he'd be better off if he empathized with your here and now.

I'm coming up to our 13th antiversary, which means we're in the middle our our 14th A season. At some point in the past, probably 6-8 years ago, A season started passing almost without notice. I thought I'd never forget the date they first had sex, but it's been years since I've remembered the date. I know the approximate date, but I'd have to go back to the timeline to confirm the actual date.

What has your H done to heal? At 5 years, I felt healed, but my W did not.

He has done quite a lot to help me heal. I’ll give him that. I do acknowledge that healing never takes place as fast as the WS wants. It happens when it happens. I’ve done quite a lot to heal on my own, as well.

And, as it so happens, I do usually saying….here right now, I’m sad. And he will hold me, but really seems to want to not want to spend any time there. I’m certain it isn’t a great place for him to remember his part of my pain. Frankly, I don’t want to be sad either.

Part of the sadness is the knowing that they were in that "magical fantasy land" of happiness this time of year….and I’m struggling to find something equally magical in our relationship to replace that with in my mind and feelings like I won’t ever have that again with anyone.

I know that part of this is family issues. FWH is understandably pulling away a bit to deal with a LOT with his family. That coupled with the season, just makes me sad.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 9:04 PM, Wednesday, November 1st]

Gently, my belief is: one can't be happy when they're happy unless they're also sad when they're sad, scared when they're scared, etc., etc., etc.

I also believe: The WS's healing is the WS's problem. What bothers me is that healing for a BS always takes longer than the BS wants it to.

I think we may have separated in the womb from a split cell. I feel the same way. I’m sad most of the time. My wife just isn’t doing the work. I’ve about waited her out. This sad life really sucks.

It's ok to tell him, "No. You be HERE with me,now."

You need to feel the sadness. It's coming up,because it needs to be felt,processed,and then released.

It's normal to feel sad,occasionally, about the affair. Even 5 years out, with a remorseful ws.

I'm sure he feels he's doing the right thing right now. But he's not. He's trying to distract you from feeling sad, because it makes him feel bad. And,I'm sure because he doesn't want to see you sad. But, distracting yourself only means you're stuffing down those feelings,and they will resurface later. It's a form of rugsweeping.

If you need to just be held,and cry, tell him that. Your feelings deserve to be felt.

Edited to add:

I commented after I read the first post. Look at SacredSoul, reading my mind!

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:06 PM, Friday, November 3rd]

I too am in A season, year 5. I too am feeling sad. Not the same as years past, but an underlying tone of sadness. FWH catches my eye and says "are you ok" and then usually acknowledges that of course I am not, but sometimes he doesn’t. It is so hard when I have to remind him that he really has to meet me where I am, that I can be in the present and also be sad over what happened in the past.

You have been in training mode for quite some time. Immersed in physically pushing yourself. Is it possible that you are also feeling the loss of that? I would imagine that as much as you have had to face in the past year or so with constant contact and reminders, you were able to contain those feelings, and now they are catching up with you.

You are progressing at just the right pace for yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
I'm 6 years out and feel the same sadness.
For me, this is the discovery period of 4 months of trickle truth leading into Christmas.
Makes me sad when I think of all the Christmases before dday.

Ladybug maam,

I am so sad that I cannot stop the crying jags whenever I get a moment alone. I feel sad at my core. I don’t know where to put it or how to make it less present in my daily life. The sadness and crying are what pushed me to find an IC in my new location and I am hopeful. I am also feeling cracked wide open over some of the exercises she has me doing, and maybe I’m going to have to get a lot sadder before I can find what looks like happy or at least good enough again. I am sorry you feel this too, and I’m not sure a tender heart has any other future staying with a love that wasn’t true, and hoping maybe it could be true again.

I am six years out, but I guess only four years from the learning the worst of the truth and one year from the last little lies the MOW exposed after I asked for more details. I wish I knew how messed up my healing timeline will be based on the crappy start I have had, it might help to have an idea how long I have to hold on for. I am really tired. And I keep getting sad because there is no easy place on the horizon, no end to this marathon of trying to learn to live and love again with someone who broke my heart and my trust and my faith in myself for a while there.

My WH really wants me to be here with him now, to be happy that we have survived, come through this and choose to be together. I had a bracelet made for myself that says BE HERE NOW. It is a great mantra, and it was really helpful to me getting through my first year of false recovery, until I realized I was in false recovery. I just started wearing it again after restarting IC, to remind myself to find the joy I can in the moment and let that help push away the sadness for a little while. I have spent more time soaking up fall scenery, taking walks, enjoying all that I can, hoping to balance the emotional scale a little.

I wish I had just an A season, not the years 2009-2017 that I still can’t look back at yet without crying. My Discovery process started in September, and tainted October, January, March April and July to name a few, with icky discoveries and lies uncovered drug out until last year. There is no safe spot in the year or a dot on the map that can’t trigger me now. I keep hoping time will help with that. Time. It’s the worst cure ever. Takes way too long :)

I think some level of sadness is just a permanent scar I am going to have to carry if I stay with my WH.

I hope you find happier days ahead. Also don’t forget to drink extra water to offset the dehydration. I am pumping out a lot of tears when I get going. It may be hormonal a bit too, I’m going to try the IC before I work with my doctor on other options.

(Sorry for so many edits. So may typos..)

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 5:08 PM, Sunday, November 5th]

I relate to this thread completely. I also find it difficult to read because I really want to believe by year four or five this nightmare becomes a distant memory. That I’ll be healed and moving forward. The crying and sadness still hits me daily. I’ll be two years from d day in March but trickle truth until a few months ago. I also have No good or untainted memories of my Marriage. WH is extremely remorseful and I truly believe he would be an amazing partner going forward. But what he did has left so much damage as everyone here knows. I don’t know if it’s worth staying having to carry that sadness.

Ladybugmaam and all others who are feeling sad….
I related to every word you have wrote.
Gosh, I carry around this deep, profound, insidious sadness in my heart everywhere I go.
I cannot shake it.
It’s just there…. Waiting to explode, expelled, or quenched?
Regardless of whether or not I successfully reconcile with WH, I wonder if this sadness will ever leave me.
It has been engrained into my inmost being. Into my DNA.
I guess it’s the sad reality of damage done by infidelity.
I don’t think WS have a clue as to the burden of sadness we carry.

Ladybugmaam,
You are amazing. Kick ass fabulous. You didn’t let the OW stop you from becoming an ironwoman!!! You had to face the OW on many occasions but you didn’t let her get to you. You have incredible inner strength-both mental and physical. I admire you and hope you can continue to move forward with strength and courage.

Ladyphoenix....yes....I'm sure I'm also dealing with the aftermath of the Ironman, PLUS A season. Signed up for my next race, late next year...to allow for a lot of recovery and family time. And, welcoming my training peeps next weekend for a Friendsgiving..for.which FWH is gonna fry a turkey. Took a bit of social media finagling, and a few gaffs to carve out OW from there. Honestly, I'm pretty sure she'd have showed up just to F with me. But, I'm trying to wish her well, when I can and distance. I still haven't cut off my race wrist bands yet. It's my race number and a gifted band that says "anything is possible". I keep looking at it, and I just don't want to let it go yet. Next weekend will be lots of supportive friends and good food.

I thank you all for reminding me to ask FWH to meet me where I AM, rather than....it's a rug sweep, but not-ish...where he'd LIKE me to be...because he doesn't like to remember his part of my pain. That's a scary part. I've never been that girl. I'm still figuring out what exactly "I" want. But, "I'm an Ironman"...right? So, f -it. I'm going to be ok with honoring myself....or at least push toward that...whatever that looks like.

Maybe that's my gift in this. I've never been good about seeing or embracing what I need and asking for it. So grateful to have the advice here. Ya'll are good people.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 12:23 AM, Monday, November 6th]