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Going back to your original question, I initially tried reconciliation with my exWP, then after 8 months I found out he was still carrying on his affair and I left him.

The only things I can really say is that I wished that I hadn’t wasted those 8 months and also that they were truly the worst period of my life.

Even though leaving was exceptionally painful, I had the freedom of not worrying about what he was up to all the time, where was he? Who is he with? Is that really his sister he is texting? During reconciliation I lived in fear of it happening again, I was having to act like a relationship policewoman and yet still felt constantly scared. If I had a new relationship and found out they were cheating, I would not hesitate to leave this time. It was the least worst option.

Is it possible for them to realize the full impact of their betrayal? Is it reasonable for BS to have that kind of expectation on them??

Yes, to both questions, at least to a point. However, they are a WS, and if they realized it before, and are not a psychopath, they probably wouldn't have done it.

The depths of the betrayal may be seen by them, but they may not grasp the utter severity of the sense of devastation that they inflict on the BS.

My FWS, she just has never gotten to the point (yet) where she could really manage her own emotions around what she did without also being emotionally unavailable to me.

It is hard to explain.

You went through two infidelities of your H and still survived and thrived through R! That is inspiring and courageous. I just hope that I have half of your strength and patience. Thank you.

It has only been a happy Reconciliation because we changed. Both of us.

I stopped being a door mat and I stopped allowing him to call the shots. And he realized he needed to change and figure out why he was cheating. And he did.

Reconciliation only works if both parties are "all in" and the cheater wants to change.

Luckily for us it worked out.

How did your return go? Need anything from us?

Hello people.

I am sorry I couldn't give an update because I have nothing much to say now. When I returned home, I found my wife was ill and weak. She looked pale and hasn't had good sleep for months. She looked like she would collapse at any moment. So, I felt pity for her and decided against having a proper talk about her affair. She did try to talk to me about it, but I refused to engage. Right now, I want her to get better. I have decided to talk about it only after I receive a written timeline from her. I also asked her to take leave from her work for a few weeks on health grounds. Currently, she is at home and doing okay. As my sister left for her family, I invited my sister in law to come here to look after her sister for a few weeks. I can't be with her at home all the time. I am worried that her health might

deteriorate if she doesn't pull herself up. I still haven't received a written timeline from her.

She told her sister that her affair started approximately 5 months ago. It was only emotional, and nothing physical ever occurred. They didn't even kiss.

I don't know what to feel anymore. I am just focusing more on her health and my job. I confess I still love her. When I returned home, I thought I would be very angry at her, but I wasn't. When I looked at her in her sorry state, I only felt compassion and love for her. I couldn't hate her. I still find it very hard to hate her. I remembered her looking like this after her miscarriage a few years ago. She was weak and defeated then, too. I didn't give up on her then. I dont know if I can give up on her

now. I am just disappointed in my situation. I don't know what else to think. My job and my friends have been very good distractions these past few days. I feel a little better now. Don't know for how long.

I am sorry for your wife’s health condition and hope for a quick recovery for her.

I want to caution you in accepting fault for her affair. You are human. You are not perfect. She’s not perfect. You are two people who make mistakes and have regrets however, nothing you did or didn’t do caused her to cheat.

There is no reason to cheat on your spouse. If your marriage or relationship is that bad, get out and move on. But cheating is not the solution.

My H tried to blame me for his affair. And at first I believed him. Then I realized I had just as many "reasons" to cheat but I never did (in the mindset of the cheater). But I didn’t b/c it’s wrong. Plain & simple.

I hope you can move forward and reconcile and have a happy life. But your wife has some work to do.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:18 PM, Wednesday, November 22nd]

As natural and healthy as it is, try not to pity her to much, as it doesn't help to have a clear perspective. She betrayed and decieved you for months. Who knows where it would be now if you didn't discover it. Who knows where it will be in a few months. A bit of moral hiccup and grief for the "friendship" (Yes, unfortunately) was well earned.

What type of an affair do you think you wife had? Was it an EA only or was it Physical as well? What is your braking point? As this poit your wife is suffering and so are you. You need to face this head on together and figure out what is next. Have frank conversations on what you both want and the impact this has had on your relationship. Discuss what you both want and why did she feel it was necessary to seek out another.
Call out the ohter guy if needed to his face. He may think he is a nice person but he destroyed your wife. He owns the state of where she is now. He was not her friend. He is a selfish ass. if he was not she would not be in her current state as a result. He should have looked out for her and shut it down. She is married.

A word of caution. They always say it was emotional only and there has been many a tale on this board where sometimes years later the truth comes out. If your wife is really as sick as you say, over a five month affair and getting caught, she may need inpatient treatment. Look into it.

I need advice. I believe the female colleague of my wife who tipped me off about my wife's affair knows more than she is letting out. I want to know what she knows, but it seems she doesn't want to tell me everything. I tried talking to her a few times to get more information. But, her answer has always been that she knows nothing more than she has already told me. My gut feeling says otherwise. If she has more information, then that might help me verify my wife's version of her affair story. This female is also the fiancé of my best friend. I told him about my wife's affair but haven't told him that it was his fiance that tipped me off. His fiancé requested me not to tell anyone, including my friend, that it was she who helped me catch my wife. The only way I believe I could get information from her is through my friend. He could ask his fiance and get

all the information I needed. But, this could negatively affect their relationship and also their relation with me. I don't want to harm their relationship. I also don't want to spoil my personal relation with him. He has been helping me to deal with this mess. He has always been a great friend to me.

Is this way selfish and unethical? Is it wrong to expect her to tell me everything she knows?

I don't know how to navigate through this.

The1stWife, Potentialforevil, and longsadstory1952- Thank you for the word of caution.

lparistotle- She claims it was only EA. I have yet to find my braking point.

You need to face this head on together and figure out what is next. Have frank conversations on what you both want and the impact this has had on your relationship. Discuss what you both want and why did she feel it was necessary to seek out another.

Thank you. They are helpful. I intend to follow through these advices.

You need to apply some pressure to get to the truth be it just an EA or physical affair. Tell her she has a one time shot where she needs to tell you everything. Tell her you won’t guarantee that you will stay together, but if you find out she has been lying it will be over immediately. No discussion, no truth then, just divorce.

You can follow that up with telling her you will verify that through a polygraph. Most of the time that doesn’t need to happen, but the threat of it is often enough to get the truth.

My guess with the twin flame thing it did get physical. The question is how far did it go.

I got the truth pretty quickly, but I was almost brutal (never physical) in my pursuit. Without consequence they will swear on their families that what they say is the truth, but it rarely is.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 5:34 PM, Friday, November 24th]

Slightly disagree with waited.

IMO, it's impossible to get everything you want in a one time shot. For one thing, your WS will tell you, at best , her version of 'everything'. She might be willing to tell you everything but not realize that some of what is critical to you may be trivial to her. If it's trivial to her, she may not tell even though she thinks she's telling everything and would be certain to tell you if sh knew it was important. For example, 'when' is important to me but not to my W. She really never registered timing, and never has.

So, if you're willing to give her a chance, be ready with questions.

Also, there's too much to tell at one time, and there's too much to take in. There was one critical piece of info that I didn't realize my W had told me. A year after the fact, I thought I heard some TT, but my W pointed to the info on the timeline we did. I just didn't take it in.

Yeah, we did a TL together, because W & I organize life differently, so I needed to ask questions to make sure I understood what she told me.

What you can get is a TL that gets filled out - that'll generate questions - those qs will generate more answers - that'll generate more questions - and so on. That's why I say it can't all be done at once.

What you can demand with more chance of success is something like an outline that will get filled in over a relatively short time. Everything my W told me on d-day was confirmed over time. All I got was more granular detail.

I guess I'm saying this:

You can't get everything in one short go. You can get everything that counts - the main who, what, when, where, how, what was said and done by all involved in the A(s), and what your WS felt (because no one knows what others feel - all we know is what others say and do).

Significant TT IS a likely deal killer. Finding out n+1/2/more aps instead of n aps ... finding out n+1/2/more units of time instead on n units ... finding out a lie (no vs yes to sex in your bed question, for example) - in fact, any lie after agreeing to come clean - these are probable deal killers.

Tell her you won’t guarantee that you will stay together, but if you find out she has been lying it will be over immediately. No discussion, no truth then, just divorce.

I agree here. It's what I told my W.

You can follow that up with telling her you will verify that through a polygraph.

I don't disagree with this, but I'll cop to not using a poly or threat of a poly - because I trust myself to ferret out the truth more than I trust a machine and examiner. YMMV.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:49 PM, Friday, November 24th]

I tried really hard to NOT read this because I think that twin flame excuse is so stupid. There are 8 billion people on this poor benighted planet. Suppose her twin flame lived in a small village in China. How would she find him?
So, I am ignoring that and looking at your reality. If she is still with him or yearns for him it has nothing to do with you. She married you on the rebound. You deserve so much better than this. You have love to give to someone not hooked old memories.
Please don’t wait on her. Plan a future without her and give yourself time to mourn.

Slightly disagree with waited.

IMO, it's impossible to get everything you want in a one time shot

We are in total agreement. He will never get the full truth or all details at one shot. But he should get enough to start to figure out what happened. The knowledge of did they have sex, how long was it going on, did they use protection. Then he can build upon that with what he might want to know.

I circumvented the did they have sex part, even though the first line out of her mouth was that "it isn’t what you think" which was ridiculous as they were caught. That lasted one line. But for twinflamed he might at least bypass the usual lies like we just had lunch, nothing happened, etc. he still will get lies like we just kissed but he need to go back to her knowing if she sticks with that and it turns out not to be true, it’s straight to divorce.

Hi. Sorry for the pain you are going through.

I was wondering if your wife knows you need the written timeline. That was unclear to me.

It might be something useful for her
To work on while she is recuperating. Hopefully her health is improving.

I talked to my wife today about her affair. This is the first time we had proper talk on this topic. I told her I wanted a written timeline of her affair in the next 2-3 days. I want to know everything. I also demanded that she should not decide on my behalf what affair information would be important or trivial for me while adding details to the timeline. I also told her she is not allowed to lie or omit anything in the timeline. I informed her that I intend to verify everything that's written in the timeline through polygraph and other means available to me.

I also conveyed to her that it's not just what she did during her affair that will influence my final decision to either D or R, but also what she does after dday. I told her in very strict terms that I would never reconcile with an adulterous woman or a woman who is not completely loyal to me and to this marriage . I will reconcile only if she is honest, loyal, and fully committed to this marriage of ours. If she isn't the latter woman, then D is the best option for both of us.

I also promised her that when it comes to D, I will be as fair as possible to her, provided she is also fair to me. I have no intention of taking any revenge against her. I told her that her journey if she chooses to R will be very hard as she is expected to deal with her issues and become a safer and better wife while dealing with a hurt and broken partner in her home who may or may not forgive her. Exiting this marriage right now for her twin flame or anyone else is a much easier path for her. I guaranteed her that I won't like that option, but I also won't hold any grudges against her if she chooses to leave me. I will resent her and hold a grudge against her if she chooses R but isn't faithful to me.

I have made her options very clear. I have told her I am coming up with a list of things she needs to do if she chooses to R by giving me the whole truth of her affair with her timeline. I wont settle for anything less than I deserve.

waitedwaytoolong: I have read your story, and I wish I had not done that. It is as brutal as it gets. It gave me chills knowing how cruel people can become to their partners during affairs. You lived a nightmare. More strength and respect to you, sir.

I have finally made my stand very clear to her. I am aware that she might trickle the truth. There will be consequences for that, too.

Also, there's too much to tell at one time, and there's too much to take in. There was one critical piece of info that I didn't realize my W had told me. A year after the fact, I thought I heard some TT, but my W pointed to the info on the timeline we did. I just didn't take it in.

Thanks for the tip and word of caution.

I have no intention of giving her any threats or ultimatums because they are counter-productive to what I want. I want her to reveal on her own through her actions what and who she really wants and what she is willing to do or capable of doing to get that.

I don't disagree with this, but I'll cop to not using a poly or threat of a poly - because I trust myself to ferret out the truth more than I trust a machine and examiner. YMMV

Are you implying that polygraph is not reliable?

Cooley2here: I am sorry my title triggered negative feelings in you. That wasn't my intention. I wouldn't mind changing the title if it is possible.

Stevesn: I did tell her before that I needed her to write a timeline, but I didn't press on it until today. She now knows I am serious about it.

[This message edited by twinflamed at 3:42 PM, Sunday, November 26th]

To clarify.

Did you mention the whole "twin flame" thing during your outlining of the situation?

You use the word in passing here. Im just checking if she is aware you know for a fact that is an aspect of the affair. It would give her a rough baseline of what you know, namely that you are aware she went above and beyond "love" in respect to how she feels (especially as it sounds like "twin flame" means something to her personally regarding her beliefs).

If you did, did she have any thing to say at the time with ultimately being confronted with the idea she was in love with her AP?

[This message edited by Kindern at 7:47 PM, Sunday, November 26th]

Are you implying that polygraph is not reliable?

Don’t fall for the old trope that polygraphs are unreliable, not admissible in court etc. They are employed daily in many areas by many respected businesses, governments, militaries, etc. You are NOT mounting a civil or criminal trial. Employing the poly has for many many BS’s provided sorely needed confirmation how truthful their unfaithful spouses have been in their timelines.

Even if you have any doubts as to the effectiveness of polygraphs, DO NOT SHOW THAT to your W. It’s important she thinks YOU believe they are relaible (when given by a professional examiner of course). Make it very clear to your W that she is to leave out NOTHING in her timeline. I would further urge you to:

1. Have your W read the full timeline to you. Watch her as she does this.

2. When you get to the examiner’s office, stop and ask her again if she has anything to add to her timeline. Tell her if she confesses now, you promise to think about what more has come out prior to making a decision R or D. Also tell her if anything comes out later you’ll most likely immediately proceed to D. Such "parking lot confessions" are truly a thing.

Please! Do NOT back down from this!!! I would also make her pay all recovery expenses out of "her" funds.

You’re doing great. Stay strong!!!

The title did not concern me it is the dumb excuse people use to lie and cheat. "Oh, my darling, I yearn for you, my twin flame. Pay no attention to the fact that I have a husband. Our love will see us through and others will understand how strong we are!" It is ridiculous. She made a choice to misbehave. I have no idea who came up with that ludicrous title but they need to be told to shut up.