SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

People lose their heads in fantasy. Exciting to imagine yourself as a flame. A flame that burned itself was the reality. Hard to see what you really were, so many cling to the fantasy instead. Time will show if she can see herself clearly.

If she says they did not have "sex" be sure to get her definition of sex as some folks believe oral and mutual masterbate doesn't count...
If they did not have sex ask her why? Seems like that would be make the twinflame glow brighter.
If they have the opportunity and the motive, why not cross that line...

OP, how have things been going lately? Hopefully you're getting the clarity you're looking for and that your wife is starting to come around.

He left for 30days, enough time for her to erase any evidence and go through her story with a fine tooth comb.

Meant to believe 5 months of twin flame and 2 grown adults didn't have sex?

She'll stick to that story until the end. OP will reconcile but this will always eat at him.

Bump

Hi, I am back. I am sorry I was aloof for a while. These past few months have been nightmarish. I had decided to give my wife another chance. I found it very hard to just end this relationship and leave. But, then I digged through her affair story and discovered so many extremely painful and humiliating truths that were too much for my fragile mind and heart. I am pretty sure there are many hurtful things to discover, but I can't take this anymore. I guess I have reached my breaking point. I had decided before to give her a chance at least for a year or year and a half to make this marriage work and for her to reform and rehabilitate. But, now I want to backtrack on what I agreed upon. I do see her putting some efforts into salvaging our relationship. But, these revelations are undoing all her efforts. It's like we make 1 step forward, and these revelations take us 3 steps backward, and it doesn't seem to end. I didn't expect this to be a smooth sail, but some of the things she did during her A are pretty horrible things and I am finding it very difficult to process them while trying R with her. How do I reconcile with a person for whom I feel utter disgust and less compassion?

Am I being hasty here? Should I wait until a year is completed before I decide whether to leave or not?

The problem seems to be that you are trying to reconcile before you have the full truth. Only you know what is best for you. You are not being to haste if she is not completely into reconciling, and part of that must be complete honesty about the affair. Instead she is trickle truthing and that can go on for a long time and you may never get the full story. She is still thinking about herself more that supporting you. If you choose, it is completely reasonable to end the relationship now. If you stay, expect more of the same.

Am I being hasty here? Should I wait until a year is completed before I decide whether to leave or not?

You do you. I don't think you're being too hasty if you've found out more that makes the A a deal-breaker. We will often say, when you know, you know. It sounds like you know, and D may be the better option for you and your healing. If you wait 1 year, it may change nothing and you'll have wasted another year.

For me, thinking of D was so scary. My D was final almost 3 years ago, and I'm so much better off now both mentally and financially. Life without my cheater is so much easier.

I’ve been lurking and following your posts the entire time, it sucks that you are here, and I am sorry for what you’ve experienced. I understand the pain you are in all too well.

There is a saying we have, "R cannot truly start until the last lie is exposed". Right now your WW is giving you the death of a thousand cuts by continuing to trickle truth you. That isn’t R, that is her being selfish and controlling the outcome. Every new revelation basically restarts everything, I personally wouldn’t call them more DDAYS, but it does restart the ability for you to heal, or even seriously consider R.

Only you know what you can or cannot forgive, and trust me every Affair has multiple moments that are unforgivable. You have to protect yourself from more pain. If you think you can still attempt R Draw a line in the sand. She writes everything, everything down and gives you all the messy details. If she won’t do that, she isn’t going to accept accountability and will never R with you.

Also, know this. You don’t owe her R. She broke her vows, she betrayed you. You have no obligation to stay, and with R you can always change your mind. Once a spouse steps out, the marriage contract is broken, and the BS can make any decision about whether to stay or go regardless if R. Let go of the mentality that she is your wife. No, she is another man’s girlfriend. Or maybe ex GF at this point. If she wants to be your wife again she has to understand it might not happen and she doesn’t deserve it at all.

Make the best decision for you, and what you want. You feel it’s too much, then absolutely call it.

I’d recommend going NC with her again, give her the choice, she discloses everything and lets go of her control, or the marriage is done for good.

Brother, I feel you. As others have said, only you can know what the right path for you is thru this disaster.

That said, you are still just a few months out from D-day. My brain didn’t come back to semi-normal functioning until about 15 months out. I know it’s hard to accept, but you are still very freshly wounded. If I could go back and change something in my story it would be to turn my focus away from my wife and the relationship and just focus on myself. That is what the level of trauma calls for, even though we fear doing that because we see that our relationship is also crumbling and we want to save that. A hard learned lesson for me is that people are more important than marriages. I am more important than my marriage. You are more important than your marriage. And right now, you are desperately hurting and you are the priority over the marriage, and you sure as hell are a higher priority than your betraying partner, even if she is hurting (which she almost certainly is).

Take care of yourself. You need at least a year to build back up. If it’s in your best interests to get away from her, then do it. That can be a separation or a divorce. Or if you think you want to stay with her, you can do that. But make yourself the priority.

You are more important than your marriage.

My assumption is that it was a PA?

I guess I have reached my breaking point.

If you really had reached your breaking point, you would not have posted this:

I had decided before to give her a chance at least for a year or year and a half to make this marriage work and for her to reform and rehabilitate.

You seem to have convinced yourself to stay on as you seem to have a need to 'save' your WW at the expense of yourself.

I was once told (paraphrased) 'You should never make yourself uncomfortable to make another comfortable'. You look out for yourself first and foremost. If your WW is truly remorseful (and not just feeling guilty), she would be moving heaven and earth to make you feel safe. Focus on yourself first.

At the moment, you seem to be looking at your WW as The Prize. If that is the case, you would be wrong. The BS is always The Prize.

WS that recognize this have a better chance of a successful R with the BS.

Thank you for the replies and invaluable advice.

The common criticism I get from people around me is that I make impulsive decisions. They are not wrong. There were times when I let my temper get hold of me, and that led to some rushed decisions that didn't have the results I expected. But in recent years, I have been trying to break out of that cycle. So, I don't want to make any such impulsive decisions wrt my marriage. Right now, I am very angry and depressed. I want to quit this relationship and run away from her. But, I feel that this is an impulsive choice. It feels like I will be running away from my problems instead of facing them. And, I still love her. Even after all the shit she did, I still feel attached to her. I need time to detach from her. I feel like I should wait and watch her for a few more months. The ball is in her court. The onus of saving this marriage is on her. Meanwhile, I will try finding out what's good for me and how I am going to get that.

My assumption is that it was a PA?

It was. I kinda suspected it. So, it didn't surprise me at all. But, it did hurt me a lot.

You seem to have convinced yourself to stay on as you seem to have a need to 'save' your WW at the expense of yourself.

Is that what I am trying to do? I sure don't feel like 'saving' my wife. I want to 'save' my home where I felt safe and comfortable. I was doing well. I don't want to lose it. I know, I may not be able to save it. But, I do have this urge to give it a try.

My mind is all over the place. Sometime I feel like I should quit, sometime I feel like I should stick around for a while. I am really confused. Instead of talking to myself or with people who have no experience in this, I come to this platform to understand where am at and where I am going.

I can see wanting to be careful about being impulsive if that is your natural bend. But in working on that you wouldn’t want to stop yourself from running out of a burning building. Some situations warrant significant reactions.
You don’t have to make a decision to recommit or divorce today, you don’t have to burden yourself with those huge things if you don’t feel ready for them. You can choose to wait and watch. But if you choose that, I hope that you will prioritize taking care of yourself and not putting huge amounts of energy into fixing the relationship or even trying to care for your wife. You need your own TLC right now, and you deserve it.

I think I am not alone in expressing this:

It was not the actual A that killed my marriage - it was the lies afterwards that did. For some - most I think - it is the trickle truth - the lack of openness from the WS about what actually happened. The concept is that if the WS tells you everything you ask, and tells you everything relevant to the A, that there will be nothing more to uncover - and while you may only have scorched Earth where your marriage used to be, you will have clean stable ground on which to rebuild if you choose to do so. When there are still lies out there to be uncovered while you are trying to rebuild you will find yourself in a sinkhole over and over again. For most of us, that feels like drowning and it's a constant struggle to stay afloat so walking away seems like a good idea.

Thing is - walking away isn't a bad idea, especially because it does not have to be permanent. I think you should separate - take a break - give yourself a little time to process things. With distance often comes clarity. Maybe your WS will figure out the need to tell the whole truth overrides all of the self-protection that comes with TT. Maybe your WS will not, and will be angry, etc. Either way, you will know more of who you are dealing with. You will also see if you feel better or worse, etc.

You have stuck around for awhile - I don't see how deciding to take a break is impulsive in the least, especially as you describe your situation.

If you think about it, taking a temporary separation is the least impulsive thing you can do right now. Making a major life choice like recommitting or divorce, in your current state, THAT would likely be impulsive. But creating some space, giving yourself time to heal without the burden of her lies and triggers and then evaluating in a few months, that is a reasonable, thought out plan.

I’m sorry you are still struggling.

There is going to be pain and second guessing yourself no matter what you do.

However, you have to stop focusing on your spouse and marriage and start putting yourself first. Not in a mean nasty way but in a way to decide what you want/need going forward.

If you need space or time apart, take it. Even if it’s a few hours — take it.

If you need counseling, get it.

If you need to go take a walk alone, do it.

Point is, if you don’t take the time for yourself and really know deep down what you see your future like, then you are cheating yourself.

I hope this helps you.

PS most of the cheaters we have experience with here at SI do not tell the truth after the affair ends or is discovered. Typical cheater behavior is continue to hide, deny, Blame and deflect.

Sometime I feel like I should quit, sometime I feel like I should stick around for a while. I am really confused.

In a sense, you have just been mugged.

The first rule in self-defense is to run. This is done so that you can get distance from your attacker(s), which in turn buys you time to think.

So, your instinct to run is not wrong, and you are right that you should try to face your problems.

To run will give you time to think, and to look at the issue at arms length and from a more holistic perspective. At the moment, your contact with the WW is hampering your thinking process (also one of the reasons why BS should never have HB with a WS right after the betrayal as it causes more confusion).

As to facing problems, you did not cause the problem, your WW did. She has to prove to you that she is worthy of a chance at R. What has she done to prove to you to take that chance? From what you have posted, it looks like she has been wallowing in self-pity for losing her 'twin flame'.

Look after yourself first, so that you can have a clearer mind to make better decisions.

TRIGGER WARNING.

I want to give a full rundown of things that happened during her affair and post-DDay so that you people can have a more clear understanding of my situation.

Her A started in January last year and continued until Dday. Her A got physical in April. Since then, they have been kissing and touching each other every day. Sex was frequent, too. Since he is a single guy, it was too easy and convenient for them to have sex in his house. After a while, they stopped using condoms. Regular sexting and the exchange of photos were common too. 

I obviously felt devastated after  finding out that her A was very physical. I did suspect her A to be physical, but the extent and details of her PA have left me shocked. But, what is hurting me the most isn't her PA. It is those many moments where she chose him over me. For examples:

1. Last year, in June, she went on a business trip with her colleagues. She told me it was a 4-day work trip. On the second day of her trip, I had an accident and hurt my leg, back, and shoulder. I was admitted to a hospital. She was informed the next day. She was scared and worried for my health. She offered to come back that very day. I didn't want her work to be undone. So I insisted she finish her four days of work and then come back to me. My family was with me. So she had nothing to worry about. She finally agreed and returned home two days later. Only recently did I find out that it was not a 4-day work trip. It was only a 2-day trip. She also lied about her colleagues. She told me that she was traveling with four of her colleagues. 2F and 2M. But, in truth, there was only one colleague, and it was her AP. I don't think I have to explain why she lied and what she did in those last two days of her trip.

2. She had her first sex with him on the 4th monthiversary of their A. They celebrated their 4th monthiversay in a nice and expensive hotel in a nearby city. They had nice music, dance, and an expensive lunch before their first sex. They wanted to make sure their first sexual encounter was special. The messed-up part was that that day was also her birthday. When I expressed my desire to celebrate her birthday in a big way by booking a hotel and inviting friends and families, she said 'no'. She instead suggested that I celebrate her bday in a low-key fashion inside our home by inviting a few of our friends and neighbors. That is what we did. 

That night, she didn't want to have sex with me. It was really surprising to me, because that was the first time we didn't have sex on a special occasion like that. Back then, I didn't know why she refused, but  now I know. And, I am both hurt and glad at the same time for that.

3. There was a musical concert held in my city in the month of August. My wife and I were very excited for it. We wanted to attend together. But on the day of ticket booking, she told me that she would not be attending the concert because of some 'important' office work. I was disappointed and decided that if she wasn't coming with me, then I wouldn't attend either. She was fine with it and didn't insist that I go without her. Two days later, my friends called and invited me to attend that concert along with them. I didn't want to go, but they somehow convinced me. When I informed my wife about this, her immediate reaction was shock and surprise. I didn't think too much about her reaction at that time. But after dday that reaction started bugging me. When I interrogated my wife, she revealed that her AP wanted to attend that concert with her, and she had agreed to that. He had also bought two tickets for them. But, her plan was spoiled when I decided to go to that event with my friends. She didn't want to get caught with her AP during the concert. So she had to cancel going to that event. Instead, on the day of the concert, they went to a nearby city and spent most of their day in a hotel. 

There are a few more discoveries like these. As you can clearly see, in all these moments, she chose to be with him, instead of me. Sexual betrayal was already bad enough for me, but these repeated acts of choosing him over me have really messed me up. 

She explains that her affair was a fucked-up fantasy, and she was completely lost in it. She wanted to feel alive. And that risky and immoral behavior made her feel alive and in-control during her A. Her miscarriage and post-pregnancy depression had eaten away her real self. She felt empty inside and wanted to fill it with something that would make her feel alive and excited. Her A gave her that feeling. It excited her. It distracted her from sadness and emptiness. She also said that the routine life that I offered her, coupled with her depression, contributed to her sadness and emptiness. I could not believe this. I had done everything in my capacity to help her heal. I tried everything I could to break her routine and inject some energy into her life. I took her to my grandma's house for many months. It is in a very cool and scenic village. She seemed happy there. In 2022 alone, I took her on 5 vacation trips. They were all week-long and expensive trips. Every weekend, we go out and have party nights with our friends. We are also members of a cricket club. Once or twice a month, we have these cricket matches where both males and females come together and play cricket. It is super fun, and she loves it. So we do have a fun, EXCITING, and engaging social life. I didn't always offer her a routine life. Although our social lives did experience major setbacks in 2021 and 2022, they were coming back on track in 23. So, I don't know what else I was supposed to do. If she expected more from me or from this marriage, then she should have communicated it with me. She knew I would never say 'no' to her. When I asked her this, her reply was that she didn't know what she wanted or what she was going through until her A happened. She didn't come to me even after her A started because she didn't want her fantasy or her marriage to end. She says she was a cake eater and never had any intention of leaving me. 

When I asked her about Twinflame, she replied that it was her AP's fantasy. She claims to neither believe in it nor understand it. She went on with it because her AP is obsessed with it and she didn't want to disappoint him. I don't know if I can trust her on this. Although in those few text messages that I read, it was her AP who used that term more than once. I remember her using that word only once. 

She has written a timeline for her A. That did give me a lot of info about her affair. But there were also certain truths that weren't there in the TL and I had to dig them out through other means. So, her TL was not complete. Her excuses were that she didn't remember things, she didn't think they were important, etc. Now, all three incidents that I mentioned above were not mentioned in the TL. Don't you think those were IMPORTANT and UNFORGETTABLE moments? She should have mentioned them in the TL. This is a problem for me. I asked her to write another TL, but this time I want a complete one. She has agreed to that. I have warned her that failing to do that would mean the end of our marriage.

She has neither blamed me nor our marriage for her affair. But, she has blamed me for her inner emptiness, which I don't fully agree with. She has taken full responsibility for her actions. She has gone NC with her AP since dday. She is also leaving her job this month. She has also informed her family and some of our friends of what she has done, and she hasn't blamed me but herself for her A. 

We haven't had sex since dday. She has tried to seduce me to bed many times while telling me that she misses my comfort body. I don't know if she misses my body or his. I haven't even had a hard on since dday. My point is, I don't find her desirable anymore. Yet, I feel attached to her. I am very angry at her, and yet, I feel anxious when she is not around me. I get agitated when she talks to me, yet I daily listen to the songs that she has sung and recorded on my phone. She is not a professional singer. She has a beautiful voice and loves to sing. 

She doesn't want to divorce. She has promised me that she would do everything in her 'capacity' to save this marriage. I don't know if she is even capable of that at this point. I mean, she already broke the sacred vow. 

I did ask her that if I can't make her feel alive, then what is the point of me being in her life. Instead, she should go to her AP who makes her life exciting. Her reply was that I am the love of her life and not him. He was just a drug, and she was a junkie.  She wanted a distraction. She wanted the high. He was there to provide them. That was all her A was. With him, she cannot have a meaningful life or future. 

I am not convinced by her answer. It feels like some bs she read somewhere. I don't believe in this simplistic, one-line description of A. There has to be more to these affair relations.

For the past few months, I have noticed a considerable change in her attitude. She has more energy in her. She is more focused and gives me a lot of attention. Her attitude toward me has become very intense and intimate. Somebody mentioned here that BS is the prize. Well, her multiple attempts to seduce me, her continuous efforts to win me back, and her constant offers to take me on a date night do make me feel like I am the prize. And I confess, I like it. She hasn't been like this for the past three years, and I didn't realize until now how much I was starving for her attention. I find an odd similarity between my current situation and that of hers at the beginning of her A. She said she didn't know what she was missing until she started her A, and then she liked it and didn't want it to end. Right now, I feel that I am also going through a similar experience. I didn't know that I missed her intimate attention until now. Now, I lowkey love all the attention she is pouring towards me, and I don't want this to end. I don't know if this is a temporary or  permanent shift in our martial dynamics. If it's temporary, then it's a fantasy, and if it's permanent, then it could be a new chapter in our relation. I want to be optimistic here, but these new discoveries are filling me with reasonable pessimism and necessary mistrust. 

This is where we stand now. She is doing everything in her 'capacity' to win me back and build trust. But her TT has been counterproductive to her efforts. And I am swinging between the pleasure of her intense and intimate attention and the pain of new affair discoveries.

Please don't shame me if I appear indecisive and all over the place in this post. I need some more time to get my shit together. I am still trying to wrap my head around everything she has disclosed so far.

Sorry for this super long post. I just wanted to unburden myself in front of people who actually understand what I am going through. Thank you.

No one will shame you TF, all of us have and been where you are, we all know too well what the struggle is.

Give yourself grace and mercy, and take comfort that you don’t have to make any decisions about anything right now. Only focus on healing, and know it will take a long time. I’m 18 months post dday 2 and I am completely different from how I was even at the 6 month mark. I have gone from being completely certain I was going to D, to I can R and it’s ok and everything in between.

Honestly, it sounds like your WW is in damage control and desperation, not that she wants to fix this. Good that she is NC and will be getting a new job, but keep track of her actions not words.

She is still making excuses for her affair, you didn’t do something so or didn’t make her feel something is nothing but crap and extremely immature.

Do whatever is best for you, and allow yourself time to come to that conclusion.

The title of this is survivinginfidelity. It sounds like you are barely surviving. What can you do to make a difference? I recommend you read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle. It explains why lies are so corrosive. Your question should be "Why is this taking so long?" It is a simple question. You need answers now. Not another week, or month, or year.