SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We’ve been married nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. Intimacy has tailed off recently and easy going affection has drifted into companionable indifference for which I take my share of blame. My wife took a city break to a city a couple of hours drive away last month. I discovered that she was with someone at the hotel and when confronted my wife confessed to having hired a male ‘escort’ who stayed the night with her. Needless to say I’m in turmoil, everything I thought was certain is now in doubt. For a week I could barely eat or sleep. My wife has expressed remorse and we have had some deep conversations about us. We’re starting marriage counseling next month. I want to rebuild but am struggling with trust. On one hand I feel deeply betrayed by the deceit on the other I see a neglected menopausal woman who has done an out of character thing to satisfy a sexual need.

How do you know this was an actual escort and not someone she's having an affair with?

Cheaters lie...a lot!

With an escort you know that there are (probably) no feelings involved and it was "just sex." Which, for some, can be a helpful distinction.

How did you discover she was with someone at the hotel? Does she know how you found out? If not, do not give her that information. You may need to uncover other things as time goes on if you decide to try to reconcile. I suspect she is covering up more than what you know. It's normal for a cheater to only admit to what you can prove, at least at the beginning.

What is her attitude like? What is she doing to make you feel safe? She is not the victim here. You are.

A male escort is extremely rare. Unless he's a gay male escort,servicing men. My wh recently handed me a new dday,with escorts. I've done a ton of research on them. Very,very few men servicing women.

Most likely, it's a coworker,or a friend,and she's lying to protect him.

Schedule a polygraph and have her take the test.

Regardless..nothing you did,or didn't do caused her to cheat.

Plenty of women in menopause don't cheat.

Her reasons are much deeper.

Cancel MC. The marriage didn't cheat. She did. She needs IC.

You may have contributed to an unhappy environment, however she had many other options. This is all on her. After all,you were in the same marriage, and you didn't cheat.

Polygraph. Std tests for both of you. Investigate this further. Tell her to show you the ad of the escort. Have her call him with you on speaker phone. She can remind him who she is,and when can they schedule another meeting. I bet he has no idea who she is. Oh, also, look at the bank account for that night. Any several hundred dollar withdrawals? I bet not.

You don't have the truth.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:36 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

Hello Shipney, sorry you had to find us here. Check out the healing library and the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

We’re starting marriage counseling next month.

Vet your counselor carefully on their views on infidelity. Many subscribe to the unmet needs model and will advocate blame shifting and rugsweeping. You are responsible for your half of the marriage problems, your wayward wife is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat.

I’d suggest you both read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

It can be slow here on the weekends but others will around.

Her story sounds like a gigantic lie.

Ask her how much money she paid for "all night"

If I understand prostitution you pay by the hour or something like that, all night would be expensive, are you very wealthy?

I would suspect she told you out of guilt and is protecting the OM as she may have a fantasy of keeping OM as a friend.

Is there someone your WW has been mentioning recently

She may also sware that they had safe sex, don't believe it, your health is at risk if you have sex with WW

Check credit card statements and other financial accounts affairs also require money for dinners

There's a good chance the OM broke up with WW and this is just the last of many times WW had sex

[This message edited by survrus at 2:28 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

Welcome to SI sorry you had to find us. If you could please return and add as many details as possible it will help us help you. You are safe and anonymous here.

I will not speculate as to what the "truth" is, but male escort isn't the full truth. It would be extremely rare that a woman has to pay for a random one night stand. She cannot "express remorse" and lie at the same time. Keep digging Brother, this smells.

[This message edited by Tanner at 2:55 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

Shipney,
Sorry you had to be here. I’m just on the way out, but wanted to add a couple of things. LISTEN to the advice given here. There’s eons of collective wisdom that can save you immeasurable heart ache.
Not sure how you found out, but I would want to know how she paid him. Most likely it was a credit card - check it out. Also, if he’s really an escort, get his number and call him. He’s not got any skin in the game and could be helpful in getting to the truth – which I highly doubt you have now. Finally, don’t be in a hurry to commit to R. There’s way more here than you know. Take care.

Hellfire gave you some great advice.

I would say that the very first thing you must do for both you and your wife is to schedule STD tests. You two should have the tests done at the same time. That will impress upon her the seriousness of the situation. Even if she says he used condoms. Some of these diseases can be spread by saliva... especially if they kissed or if he went down on her.

As someone else mentioned, please ask her how much he cost? How did she pay him... cash or credit card? How did she hide the cost from you? How did she locate this escort in particular? Why did she choose him from all that might have been available?

If it were me in your situation, I would really drill down hard on the so-called "escort" thing. Ask many different questions, and continue asking the same questions, but in a different order and phrasing. If she is lying (which I believe she is), it will difficult for her to keep giving the same answers over and over.

I believe she has been in an affair since, as you said, "Intimacy has tailed off recently and easy going affection has drifted into companionable indifference". That is a humungous Red Flag.

As far as the others have told you, she is for sure minimizing everything.

Sorry this has happened in your life.

Welcome to this club that nobody should want to be in, but anyone that needs to can hardly find a better place to be.
Wow. That’s hard and definitely a first for me. Husbands hooking up with prostitutes is bread-and-butter on this site, but a woman with a prostitute… not so much.

There are so many things I want to get across… This will be long and disjointed. Maybe the first thing is for you to realize, embrace and understand that this is NOT your fault. There might have been issues in your marriage and in intimacy and all that, but her DECISION to solve it this way is never ever the right or correct decision. You have NO FACTOR in her decision, and therefore no blame. The moment she starts any conversation with "I felt I had to do it because YOU did not…. [initiate sex, make me feel wanted, do oral or whatever…] is the moment you realize that she still is in infidelity mentality.
To use a comparison: You wouldn’t accept responsibility if she had decided to solve a financial problem in the marriage by robbing a bank.

The difference between a hooker, gigolo, prostitute, sex-worker, call-girl/boy or escort is basically only the price-sticker. We can try to "glorify" it by calling him an escort, but he’s "just" a sex-worker.
Not that it helps you, but it does remove the exotism, eroticism or the fantasy-factor from her actions.

Maybe your first practical action is to book STD tests for you, and demand she takes these tests too. It’s not enough you get a verbal answer from her – she needs to show you the appointment and the confirmation she’s clean. Even the most careful sex-worker is more likely to have some STD than a "normal" person, and opening the marriage this way has put the risk of a STD into the equation. Even with protection and care there is a risk, and this must be clarified before you start wondering about the sore spots in your crotch in a couple of weeks… She will refuse – state there was protection and he was clean – but this HAS TO BE DONE.

Experience – like in probably 99 out of 100 instances – shows us that the truth is seldom discovered right away…
To me the big question is this:
How do you know it was a male-escort?
Has she told you how she paid? Have you seen the money withdrawal, the ATM transaction, the charge, the missing funds…?
When did she make the reservation? Same-day? That night? Before she left?
Was this planned before she left? Why THAT city? Alone or with some girlfriends?
Why THAT guy? Where did she find him? Gigolos-R-Us?

I second the concerns of many that maybe this isn’t what happened… Maybe this was a planned meeting with some advance planning.

If you want to save your marriage, then remember this KEY issue:
It needs to be from the truth.

If this was a one-time, chance encounter, whim-of-the-moment sexual encounter with a male hooker… then that’s what it is.
But before I would believe that I would want the evidence to support that: Who paid the hotel? How? Can she show a card-charge? If she can’t (and remember most hotels refuse cash payments these days…) then is there a withdrawal of funds that reflects that cost plus the cost of the hooker and all that. If not – then who paid? Hardly Mr. Pro…

I have a feeling you will discover some more…

OP here. I found out because she emailed me while she was away and said she’d left her phone at a restaurant. I didn’t believe this because last time she went away she said she’d forgotten her charger so would turn her phone off. When she came home I snooped in her bag and found receipts for two adults to enter an art gallery. I confronted her and she confessed. She says the previous trip she’d thought about getting an escort but hadn’t had the nerve. She still had cash left over from then. She says she paid a set rate for 15 hours and wanted the date part of the experience as well as the sex. She paid cash and had withdrawn money over a long period of time so no account evidence on bank statements. There’s not much chance of this being a long term affair as apart from these two trips we’ve barely spent time apart and before that was lockdown so nothing happening for those months. If it is someone she knows, there’s a very limited field. She can offer plausible answers to questions about the practical business side of how the deal happened. On balance I’m inclined to believe the escort story. There are several websites offering such services in the city she visited. She has agreed to STD tests though hasn’t actually arranged it yet. She expresses shame and a desire to recommit to the marriage.

What was the rate and can you confirm it, for example by asking the escort if he’s available next weekend for 15 hours (of course under a false name).

Not that this makes it sound any better per se…

So she has actively been withdrawing money to squirrel away the amount required for 15 hours with an escort… A quick google search shares that the average rate is about 300 USD, with the whole night being between 2000 and 3000… So she’s been skimming the grocery-bill for that amount for that long…

That shows extreme intent…

What about other factors like the hotel bill? Can she show a transaction for the hotel?

You mention this isn’t her first trip away. Where were the previous trips?

Edited to add:
This is a SHE-issue and not an US-issue… Going to MC to fix why she thought it was a great way to feel better by saving money over an extended period, stashing it away with the intent of hiring a sex-worker to make her feel good is NEVER going to work.
She needs IC to realize why she ever thought this was a good idea.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:10 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

Get the polygraph. Seriously.

Also..if she is telling the truth, then she's telling you this was a thought out plan. She supposedly withdrew cash,over a long period of time, to cheat on you. This wasn't done on a whim. So that remorse is not remorse. It's regret that she got caught. She wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

It's still extremely unlikely that this is an escort.

Do some digging. Take her phone to an expert that can retrieve deleted messages and pics. She should be happy to do this,because it proves she's being honest.

You are inclined to believe her because this is your spouse. You want to believe she's telling the truth. And,maybe you think attempting reconciliation will be easier if this wasn't a full blown affair. You want to believe it.

The problem with that is..aside from being an unbelievable story..if she is lying..then you are attempting reconciliation based on a foundation of lies. The chances are EXTREMELY high this is a coworker,or an old boyfriend. If she gets you to believe her story, the affair will continue. False reconciliation is a killer.

You said you are inclined to believe her because she's been home so much,and with you. We all understand that. Many of us could have said the exact same thing. Yet,cheaters find a way. A trip to the store or out with friends, isn't what they said it was. Or, they went to work,took a Vacation day,and spent it with the AP. Or, The affair was conducted primarily at work.

Maybe this has been an emotional affair, and she's been in contact with someone mainly using her phone, and she met up with him on this trip.

Please get the polygraph. It will save you so much pain in the future.

Also..if you allow her to sell this story to you, not only could the affair continue, just underground..but she will "get away with it." So the chances that,if this affair is over, of her having another affair,is sky high.

I know you're thinking we don't know her. Maybe you think we're all bitter and angry. The truth is..you don't know her as well as you thought you did. And you are getting the benefit of our hard earned wisdom. Cheaters have a pattern. Your wife is no different.

asking the escort if he’s available next weekend for 15 hours (of course under a false name).

This won't work. I've done a ton of investigating on how one hires an escort. If they're a legitimate escort, and not an independent escort, they work with/for a company. They have people who screen potential clients.

For example,a man will first go to the escort website,and find an escort they want to hire. There is either a number to call,or an email address. The man makes contact, and says what/who they want. Someone then will contact the man, and then the man basically has to prove who he is. They will have to send a picture of their driver's license, and usually a photo of their social media profile(that uses their real name). The escort agency then vets the potential client. They also often run a background check. They are very thorough, because they want to make sure the man isn't a cop,and, if the date is set up, they know who their girl is with,in case she disappears.

I don't think you will get anywhere calling the supposed man up,and asking him anything on the phone. They are in the business to make money and outting their clients is counterproductive.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:23 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

I’m so sorry.

You did not deserve this.

Just want to second everything Hellfire said.

She is completely correct. Listen to her.

I would guess instead of an escort this is someone she met online.

You can’t let this go.

One of the most powerful things you can do to end affair behavior is find and tell the other spouse.

Also she cannot withhold secrets from you.

It creates a wall that stops her from bonding to you properly.

Also it leaves cracks to resume the affair.

That you cannot allow.

She cheated last trip too. Count on it.

Again I’m so sorry.

"On one hand I feel deeply betrayed by the deceit on the other I see a neglected menopausal woman who has done an out of character thing to satisfy a sexual need."

Here’s the thing, her infidelity shows her true character, or lack thereof. She some how gave herself permission to cheat, when she vowed to you never to do so while married. In doing so she has destroyed your trust. She needs to face her own character flaws that allowed her to cheat on you. Cheating is never justified regardless of the status in your M. She had legitimate options to resolve any marital issues without resorting to cheating. Don’t accept any blame. Don’t rugsweep or submit to any gaslighting. She has to own up to her own actions, and gets into IC to address her character flaws and lack of integrity. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:26 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

One more MAJOR issue:

There is NO WAY you two can reconcile if it’s not from the truth…

We have seen more marriages break up from what we call trickle-truth than they have from discovering infidelity.

Like if your wife were to admit NOW that she had sex with some guy on the first trip and can confirm the truth about the sex-worker on the second trip I would still give you two a good chance to reconcile. Or of it was two individual hookers or whatever. Or even that it was her old BF from her home-town that she reconnected to on FB.
However… If maybe 8 months from now, when you two have been doing IC and MC and working on rebuilding, trust, communications… you were to discover that she had dinner – only dinner, no kissing and no sex at all – with some guy on the first trip… THAT knowledge THEN will do more damage than anything she can tell you now.

BE VERY CLEAR ON THIS. YOU NEED THE TOTAL TRUTH TO THE LEVEL OF DETAIL YOU NEED.

She needs to realize this: Without the truth there really isn’t any way you two can create a marriage.

Hellfire – there isn’t a need to hire THAT specific escort. All that’s needed is a price-check on how much a male escort for the boyfriend experience and an all-night at a hotel would charge. If the WW says the escort cost 500 but the going-rate is closer to 1000… that should give a strong indicator on the truth of this story.

Hellfire – there isn’t a need to hire THAT specific escort. All that’s needed is a price-check on how much a male escort for the boyfriend experience and an all-night at a hotel would charge.

The problem with that is..the price will vary..widely. It depends on the escort. How long have they been doing this? How highly rated are they? How do they look? There are many factors at play. Its not a one size fits all type of thing. Some escorts are $500/night. Some are several thousand dollars. Also,again,sure they advertise online..but advertising, and speaking to a potential client..are 2 different things. Prostitution is still illegal in most states, so they don't just give out that info to anyone who asks. Before any questions are answered, they insist on ID, social media, some way to verify who they are speaking to,because they want to make sure it's not a cop.

I KNOW this. I found several escorts numbers on my husband's phone bill. I tried having a trusted male friend call those numbers. He got no info. They all wanted info on him, before it went a y further. I also spoke to a former escort.

Regardless, it doesn't matter. She took money out,slowly, supposedly, so there is no atm withdrawal that night.

OP..do you have access to the phone bill online? If she is telling truth, there will be a number she called,or that called her, that links to the escort service. Even if she initially emailed them, there would have been a phone call..at least one call,but probably a few calls. Check the bill.

Bet you anything she signed up with Ashley Madison or some equivalent. Unless your W looks like the female equivalent of Jabba the Hut, women don’t need to pay for sex. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but I think we can all agree it’s extremely rare. Please have her do the following, in addition to the both of you getting immediate STD tests:

1. She has 24 hours to write out an EXTENSIVE timeline, from the day she started to think about doing this, all the way until DDAY. I would demand she also detail all sexual acts with this man, but some can’t handle such details.

2. She READS this timeline to you. She also gives you a copy.

3. She then agrees to undergo a polygraph where she will be asked whether the timeline is exhaustive and fully truthful. Also have her asked if she’s been unfaithful in any way (examiner will define) since the day you met. She also gets asked specifically to confirm this man was a paid escort she’s never communicated with before or since that day.

4. She confesses what she’s done to her family and yours. You need support.

5. She agrees to IC to examine why she thought her plan was ok.

6. She agrees to a fully open devices/accounts/everything policy.

If you’re tempted to think any of the above is "punishment", it’s not. These are the natural, and reasonable consequences of her choices. If she’s even remotely remorseful, she will agree to all of the above. If she doesn’t agree, you have no hope of any real reconciliation. It’s your life, and if you want to white-knuckle it with her for the rest of your life, that’s your choice. But why sell yourself short? You deserve far better than this, even if you weren’t the perfect husband.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 9:20 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

^^^^^

Bet you anything she signed up with Ashley Madison or some equivalent.

Gr8ful said exactly the first thought I had when I read your first post. To me that seems much more likely than trying to find a prostitute and all the risks (including risks with the law, plus all the health risks) that imposes.

In any event, she is not a safe wife at the moment, with respect to trust issues, and perhaps can never be again.