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I’m really struggling with the reality that my husband betrayed me. I’ve done all the trying to figure out the reasons and understand how this happened, and come to some sort of acceptance. I’ve blamed his brokenness, the affair partner and his father abandoning him.
But it ultimately all comes back to the fact that he knew what he was doing, he knew it was wrong, and he did it anyway. This feeling I get when I stop looking for a way to excuse him; is that it’s inexcusable, unforgivable, (and I start thinking I need to walk).
We tried to talk about it this morning and he has nothing to offer me. The conversation went nowhere and I’m left feeling angry and hurt.
I think the one thing you can do when you are wrong and you can’t fix it, is apologize. It’s the one thing he hardly ever does even though I’ve told him it’s something I want and need.
What do you think about apologizing? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? What if I think it’s necessary and he just does not, or can’t bring himself to do it?
When I’m at the worst place I think all I want (and maybe all he can do) is for him to acknowledge that he hurt me, that he was wrong, and regrets it. Is that so hard?
Any insight from former wayward’s on the difficulty of apologizing would also be much appreciated.

I don’t think the question should be are apologies important. The question should be are they important to you?

You seem to be saying they are so in that case, no I don’t think that bar is too high to ask for from a WS. A genuine apology would be even more important. In the Wayward side there is a pinned post that goes through what that looks like

My WH apologized repeatedly. I think the apologies started to flow when he realized how what he did affected HIS life and what HE lost.

However, honestly, it didn't matter.

He did so much damage to our marriage and our family, his job and so many more aspects of our lives, apologies were just words. Looking back, I think I became enraged when he apologized. He didn't apologize for normal, acceptable mistakes like forgetting one of the kids had a soccer game and he forgot to leave work early or he forgot to stop at the store and pick up a few items. Words of apology for dropping a nuclear bomb on our lives were meaningless.

He knew what he was doing was wrong. He just thought he'd never get caught.

Actions were important to me, not mere words.

However, if your WH hasn't apologized over and over, it doesn't sound as though he understands the damage.

Isn't this his second rodeo? Maybe I'm thinking about another member.

Yes, this is our second rodeo. Honestly I was so young the first time round, it’s been 24 years. I don’t remember a lot about apologies then. I’m not sure I needed them. He said then from the get go "I’ll do anything to save this marriage" we were going "fix it" and "beat the odds" and "it would never happen again" because "we were special."
Obviously that story is shot to shit and not going to work a second time round. There’s nothing to "fix". He knows it’s all him and has nothing to do with me or the marriage.
He’s all in on fixing himself, getting his boundaries in order and creating the best marriage ever going forward. But I’m struggling with how to fix the past, or even accept the past, the fact that he chose to do it again when he knew better. I just can’t find a fix for that other than to apologize, like a million times.

It depends on how important an apology is to you. I don’t believe that apologies are necessary for healing.
I personally would only want a true apology, a hearfelt apology.
Maybe you want an apology because you feel like it will mean that your wayward spouse gets the pain that he caused you.

Actions are more important than words in the long run.

He’s all in on fixing himself, getting his boundaries in order and creating the best marriage ever going forward.

A big part of that, ESPECIALLY AFTER DOING THIS BEFORE, is to gauge what his wife wants and needs. I know that he has work to do on himself, but that doesn't mean that you aren't a main priority.

He has known you for decades. He should be able to know, in a reasonably short fashion, what may help you.

Apologies are important to me. My husband has apologized many, many times, and it makes a difference to me. It doesn’t fix anything, but it shows he cares about the impact of what he did. It would bother me a lot if he didn’t apologize.

Apologies are words.
Actions are what you are looking for here.

BUT if hearing the words helps you along your healing journey - then they are important to you and that is what matters here.

I looked at my exWW’s apologies as just part of her plan for the affair. Plan A) Try not to get caught Plan B) If caught, apologize

I think apologies are important, but they are not a cure-all that is going to solve the issue (this doesn't exist). I also agree with others who point out that actions are more important than words, but that doesn't mean that words don't matter. If it matters to you, it should matter to him.

Edit: Being able to provide a sincere apology is like the subfloor of the basement level of in the highrise that is is R. If he can't get there, he's not going to make it above ground.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 8:40 PM, Wednesday, January 3rd]

The sincerest apology IMO is the WS humbly accepting that they be willing to be completely open, realizing that they must reveal every aspect and detail.of the A that the BS might require to heal and that they demonstrate authenticity in all their interactions with the BS Words are cheap, but constancy in actions is what counts. Once my WW got past the first six months of minimizing, deflection, and pathetic attempts at justification, her demeanour became one of humility and remorse when she finally saw how deeply she had damaged our marriage and traumatized me. That spoke more eloquently to me than any words could ever convey and set the course we needed to begin a process of Reconciliation.

Agree with actions mean more than words but it would help to have both an apology and the actions to back it up. My xWS apologized but kept cheating, was totally meaningless.

I believe apologies are important when you or someone does something wrong. I taught my kids that you should always apologize to those you have wronged, you have to mean it as well. It’s not your responsibility whether the wronged person accepts your apology but you must give it.
My ex-wife apologized many times for her affair and she still does apologize. What meant the most to me was when she said that I didn’t deserve what she did to me and that she hopes no one ever hurts me again.

WS here, apologies are incredibly important but I do also agree with the comments above about his actions mind being important.

So my take on it all is that an apology is the first of many actions that need to be taken. By apologising I see it as accepting responsibility for my actions in there entirety. If you cant apologise and sincerely mean it how can you ever truly believe you were wrong in the first place.

I cant imagine a time where an apology would not be suitable especially given that all the pain and hurt has come from his actions in the A.

There have been a few times when I've not dealt with my BS natural hurt and pain in a productive manner reacting liked a douche, believing I had no reason to apologise as why would I she had been unreasonable.....HOWEVER she is just responding to the pain and hurt she faces and therefore truly warrants an apology both for being a douche but more importantly for bringing all this pain and hurt into her world.

As a final point, if its important to you he needs to have some reflection and accept that. He then needs to proceed to do what is needed to make you see he accepts his actions and my opinion and the easiest way to do this is to simply apologise....

Hope that makes sense, I hate using my phone to update this site ...

It’s so interesting. I brought it up again this morning in a moment when we were having good communication. He was expressing his heartfelt desire to progress in our healing. So I very calmly told him one of the things I believed I had asked for but still wasn’t getting is specific sincere apologies. There was a very slight shift in his demeanor toward agitation (which he was trying to control but I could still detect it). We discussed for a few minutes. Then he said he wants to give me what I need so let’s start now.
He began his "apology" but what I got were his reasons. Essentially "I’m sorry for these reasons why I betrayed you"
I accepted and thanked him for that. They were good reasons and something I have been wanting to know- which is "what story are you now telling yourself about why this happened." I had asked him that a couple nights ago and got "I’ll have to think about that" but he was just now able to put it very succinctly in just a few sentences.
It’s fascinating how his mind works. I think there’s some internal blockage he has to apologizing, and by that I mean specifically saying "I’m sorry I betrayed you". I think maybe he thinks he’s not responsible for the circumstances which lead to his betrayal. He believes he’s responsible for allowing himself to be vulnerable, but not for making a decision to betray me (???)

My fWW apologized over and over again. But she did not have the language or even the knowledge of what an apology was. In her world, "I'm sorry" is what you say to placate someone, so you don't have to hear it anymore. It is a blow off. In the years of working on herself and learning how her actions affected others, and gaining insight into empathy, her apologies became more real. Almost like surrendering the justifications she had that allowed her to hurt me, her family, the families of the APs. When the weight of the shit she did came down on her, and she understood what she did, it almost crushed her. THEN, the apologies became real, and I could feel the real remorse. It was backed up by real change. It was not all of a sudden, it happened over years. It took a great deal of courage and help from me and her IC, as well as reading and soul searching. Her FOO did not help her become emotionally intelligent, even though she is very smart (a scientist). After spending time learning and understanding how her FOO contributed to her deficit of empathy, and her very fixed outlook on life. After she learned to grow and gain a growth mindset, she blossomed. She is not done evolving.

In the end, the words "I am sorry", meant nothing. But now, when she can articulate the pain she caused me, our kids, and herself, and she can express remorse for her actions, the words are not as important as the change in her. That is when we started to move on.