SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This leads to another question to BS
What emotional needs are not met by WS (in general)
Obviously - "I am sorry" and remorse and life changing actions doesn't help.
Also when I show him, he is my one and only and that I do not want anybody else accept him, the response is that it is to late now.
He confirms that he loves me and that he want to be with me, but he also expect me to heal his brokenness.
Yes, I know I am not deserving but he deserve happyness.

When I mention that we should get a divorce, he just say that I am running away and do not want to face the consequences of my actions.

Hey OP. I dont normally post in the Wayward section, but i thought i would give it a shot.

Also when I show him, he is my one and only and that I do not want anybody else accept him, the response is that it is to late now.

Words matter to a BS, maybe more than to a WS. That's why the word "mistake" comes up so often as a topic of discussion here. To a WS, mistake may mean something that they deeply regret amd wish they could undo, but to a BS, at least for me, it reeks of blameshifting and minimization. Same word; different definitions.

Look at the way you frame what you say to yor BH. The quote above has two objectively false statements in it. First, your BH is not your one and only. You injected another person into your M, and that is now a perminant feature to the relationship in his eyes. Next, you say you do not want anybody else, but your actual actions demonstrated that you did want someone else and made them a priority over your BH. So when you frame things the way you have presented them to us, your BH is going to parse your statement and look for inconsistencies, even if you did not intend to state them. You just cannot communicate in the same way post-A that you did pre-A. Before your infidelity, your relationship operated with a whole set of assumptions that are no longer valid now. It will take time to build new sets of assumptions.

Try stating in in a way that acknowledges your responsibility by taking accountability for your actions, and making it clear that your BH is your priority and the better man over your AP.

I agree with what justsomeguy said.

You are not your husband's one and only. That ship sailed. Saying you are sounds a bit like gaslighting even if it has good intention behind it.

Instead maybe tell him he's your "number one man". He can not be the only but he can be the best.

OP,

BH here again. What if the answer is that there maybe NOTHING you can do to make the mind movies go away for good? My WW has done everything I asked her to do for 15+ years. Answered every question, put up with my PTSD tantrums etc. but my psyche is what it is. I have had fears about my sexual performance, body image, appearance, balding, love handles etc. from way back when. I'm glad that my WW didn't insult my intelligence and demean me further by lying about her encounters with the OM. If the guy wasn't more attractive or if the sex was bad, why the fuck would she do it multiple times? I know that we both love each other for what we are but it still doesn't stop the PTSD episodes. In me and my WW's case, we both have accepted that there could be flare ups triggered by random things but she accepts that I may act up and I promised her that I'll talk to her when stuff happens.

I was not able to recover from DDay. We divorced. I think what you need to understand is that your husband hurts because of your actions in the past.
Think of a rape victim. They suffer the rest of their lives with the memories of what happened. No matter how much they tell you what happened, you will never know truly what they experienced.
Your afair injured your husband. You stabbed him in the back and based on what you have told us sounds like you don’t want to stop the bleeding because your hands might get bloodier than they are already.
The first step your husband needs to heal is to understand how you hurt him.
DO THE TIMELINE!
Your marriage may already be over. If you are afraid the details might make him divorce, imagine how he feels. He is not important enough to you to even get a timeline. You are putting yourself first. You offer divorce so he can heal on his own. Again putting yourself first. Once he divorces he’s no longer your problem. You won’t have to put in the work to heal him.
Your husband can only heal himself but you are unwilling to support him.
Provide him with the tools to recover. The scars will be nasty and the treatment painful but he can recover. Imagine how proud he could be that you saw his pain and decided that you would put your hands on his wounds to stop the bleeding because you can’t imagine him not being in your life. Maybe not as husband and wife but that you find value in him.
You have received a lot of good advice. Please do the timeline. Show (not tell) your husband that you are invested in his healing. You broke his heart now get on the floor and pick up the pieces, so far he has had to do it on his own.
It’s easy to say I’m sorry. It’s very hard to prove how sorry you are. You have said many things to your husband. "I love you" is just three words. They are powerful words. "I’m sorry" is also powerful. Both can be made meaningless when the actions do not follow their meaning. How do you show your husband that you love him? DO THE TIMELINE. Stop letting shame keep you from helping him.

I DID THE TIMELINE

Thank you all for your imput, i really appreciate. Once again I DID THE TIMELINE
There is nothing that I did not tell him. He still do not believe me (I am mentioning it, not expect him to)

Provide him with the tools to recover
HOW ????????

I would try something that I did for my ex wife after she gave birth to our son. She felt horrible and ugly, and undesireable.
I found something she enjoyed and planned a whole day for her, got a sitter for the kids for the night, got a hotel room. We went to the beach, went to dinner, went back to the hotel and I undressed her and bathed her. I told her how wonderful and strong she was and what a good mother she is. I played music on the radio and let her soak in the tub. After I got her a blindfold or night mask and had her lay on the bed while I used grapeseed oil to massage her body. I told her all the things I loved about her body. All the changes to it and the meanings behind them. How much I appreciated her experiences and the strength she has to endure this. I made sure she knew that I saw her beauty and how important she is to me. How she made my life better and how i dont want to spend my life without her and our family. I massaged every bit of her body. We didnt make love that night because we just fell asleep in each others arms. It wasnt about sex that night. We did have sex the next morning and later that night at home.
If I was your husband, I would feel ugly or unimportant. you made a vow to him when you got married that means nothing. Honor and Cherish. Sickness and in Health. He was abandoned by you and has no reason to believe you wont do it again. Find what he enjoys and plan a day for him. Tell him to take the day off from work or plan it for a weekend. Get a sitter if needed and a hotel. Use your money for all of this. If you have no money, make some by selling some of your old stuff. Take him out to do the things he enjoys. Buy him dinner, take him dancing. Tell him how you know that you want to show him that you love him and how much he means to you. You may never be able to show how sorry you are to him in a way he will believe but that it wont stop you from trying. Even if he doesnt believe you to at least see that you are not going to stop trying. Take him to the hotel and tell him how strong he is to stay with you and tell him why he is strong. Tell him that this night is just for him and to not do anything. Tell him that he could have walked away and still can but that you are so happy that he is here, right now, with you. Undress him and remind him how much you want him. Bath him in kisses and the take a shower with him. Get him nice and clean. You wash him, dont let him wash himself unless he wants to. You need to show him that YOU want to do this for him. Dry him off. Kisses everywhere. If The are things that he might be insecure about (scars, dimples, a spare tire) make sure you tell him that you love them because they are a part of him and that if he wasnt with you that you would miss them. Tell him how grateful you are that he is letting you show him how much he means to you even if he doesnt believe it. Give him a massage. Tell him to close his eyes and enjoy your hands on him. Tell him that tonight is for him.

You can do this!

You dont have to tell him this part during that night but that your goal is that he heals, he was to do his part but you will support him. You made bad decisions during your marriage but deciding to marry him was not one of them. You are better than you were and are willing to get in the muck to help him. You have grown since your affair (I Hope) your want to be strong for him when he is weak, you want to carry him when he cant walk.
If he cant tell you what he wants you do do, ask him what he doesnt want you to do. As a BS our minds are a hurricane of thoughts and emotions. What we want one minute changes as the wind blows. Make a list of the things he says he needs in your phone as well as a list of what he doesnt want. Get a game from amazon that asks each other questions to ask one another. He has to get to know the YOU the YOU are NOW because the one he thought he knew doesnt exist. And be consistent, the pillars of your marriage have been shaken by your actions. This is a baby step process. You burned your husband and phantom pains will exist. Ask to hug him. When you hug him, hold him. Just hold him, smell his scent, tell him that you love him, that you cant believe that you could hurt him like you did. That you were stupid for taking him for granted and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, showing him how even if he never believes you that you will keep showing him that he is safe now. You hurt him and you are sorry for every decision that did not put him and this marriage first. You know he may never trust you again, but that maybe he can trust you a little more each day. See how much you are trying every day. You are making a mountain of sand, one grain at a time, but that you wont stop trying even as the wind erases your hard work.

This is what I would do. He has no reason to give you a marriage. He may just be there because he is a beaten dog. You may have to hand feed him to get him to trust you. You can do this. You have to be willing to deal with the ugly parts of this. No defensiveness. Transparency. Those can be easy for some. I would say being consistent, even when he is angry or sad, consistent. Hold his hand whenever possible. Each moment could be the last of your marriage. Make he knows that you would miss these small things with him.

Thank you all for your input.

I am am sorry for all your pain, brokeness, anger etc.

I dont blame you for my pain. Im sorry I sounded cross in an earlier post to you.
I really empathize with your situation, just like I do with My ex wife. She did a horrible thing to me and our marriage. I dont think she is a bad person overall. Its hard to think of yourself as the villain in someones story. I would look at things from a different view. Imagine your child was the victim of infidelity and their spouse wanted help to restore trust in your child. What would you recommend? How could they repair their relationship with you and your husband?
You suffer from the pain of throwing something away that you now want to keep> (your marriage)
You have damaged something that you now cherish (your husband)
You have shame over what you have done.

My exwife has to live with the image that her children, whom she would literally die for, now view her differently. Its the hardest part of reconciliation is having to accept that the person you cared so much for, that you felt cared so much for you, was able to cast you aside for another so easily.

You have to wonder who you were who could do all this and you may promise that you would never do it again, but you were capable of doing it once, so why not twice?

I believe good people can do bad things, and bad things dont have to erase good things. We are human, we make mistake and we learn from them.

I think its very noble to want to help your husband. He is obviously hurting still. He could be stubborn and want you to do all the work for him, but that isnt fair to you, or him. Let him see that you care about him.

If he work in an office and wears a suit, get the suit dry cleaned and pressed. Tell him that you are so proud to call him your husband that you are going to make sure he looks his best. If he is more blue collar and you are able, make him lunch and bring it to him. Maybe leave a sexy note or some undergarment that might get his attention in the lunchbox. Make him coffee in the morning or breakfast in bed once a week.

You didnt appreciate him before but that you want him to see it now.

He doesnt have to believe you, He likely wont. You can tell him that you understand why, but that you want to do this anyway. You may find that doing things like this may make him want to invest in healing himself. He may also want to help heal you. You obviously hurt, not just by your own actions but by his too. Its not a smooth ride to recovery. Lots of hills and valleys, sharp turns and rough roads.
Again. My ex wife and I did not reconcile. I can tell you that these actions would have meant alot to me. We may try dating each other again but that is as far as things will ever go. I wont entrust my heart to her. I will never tell her I am in love with her. (I do love her as a person and as a mother) She would have to be okay with that. Im not sure that many spouses, especially women, would be okay with never hearing "I love you" from their spouse.

I hope that you find a path to happiness with your husband.