SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey there. First time poster. My wife confessed on Christmas Eve that she had been unfaithful to me a week and a half prior. I still can’t process what has happened to me and my family; so you’ll forgive me if my post is disorganised. We’ve been married for 5 years and have a child together. I came in on Christmas Eve with shopping and presents, when I noticed my wife seemed upset by something. Naturally I tried to cheer her up but she wasn’t having it. She said she only wanted to talk after the kid was asleep.

Now after this, she begged me not to hit her and then told me that she cheated on me a week and half/2 weeks prior to Christmas Eve. Naturally I didn’t react well to this, didn’t put hands on her, but it only got worse from there. Not only did she do this but she is going to continue to do it, much to my astonishment. During the next days, I told her what she was doing was wrong, that it’s immoral, that we can work on this and fix it, but the more I pushed this point, the more she didn’t want to engage. She made her decision and wanted me to be ok with it.

She claims that everything in our lives is great, it’s the intimate side of things that she misses and she doesn’t find me physically attractive anymore. I floated out the idea of seeing a marriage councillor but was completely indifferent about it.

As distraught as I was, I spent Christmas Day alone with the kid, as she went to work. She then sent pics of the spread they were having at work, as if to rub it in my face, as I didn’t eat or sleep for three days after the bombshell. When she came home, she also said she was going out on the 27th as she arranged something. Utterly mortified, I demanded that she cancelled this stupid thing because we are in crisis. Instead, she doubled down and says that she was going regardless about how I feel about it. Talked about an open relationship bs as well during those three days of talking, which really rankled with me.

After that, I took the kid with me and we went to my parents house. I’ve explained the situation with what was going on and they aren’t happy. I’m so ashamed and angry about what was going on; perhaps my wife believed that I wouldn’t tell anyone or that I would somehow agree to this. Now the cat is out of the bag.

There’s so much I’m going through and I’m still in shock about the whole situation and I’m struggling financially, as she knew, when she dropped her bombshell, knowing I wouldn’t have the funds to do the necessary steps. I’m the primary parent with my kid and she gets the kid on weekends.

I legitimately hate her. Not only for what she’s done to me, but what she’s going to do to the kid. Gonna try and breathe for a moment. There’s so much to go through that I’m still struggling with everything.

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry you had a reason to find us. Please take the time to read through the Healing Library on the main page and the topics pinned above. Your life has been turned upside down, you are going through shock and trauma. None of this is your fault. Your WW is gone, no amount of chasing, begging, MC (Marriage Counseling) will "win" her back. You have to let her go, take care of you and your kid. Please read and implement the 180, it saved me.

Your WW does not care about anything but herself right now, it is fruitless to try to rationalize with her, that is why MC would be a waste of time. I wish you the best, there is a lot of experience available here.

Damn (literally), she is in the affair fog now, and by that I mean she is addicted to the limerence she is feeling with this douche canoe. I know this is raw, having only happened over the holidays, and I know the feelings you are going through. The worry. The sheer bloody incredulousness.

I can all but guarantee that this has likely been a workplace emotional affair (EA) and that it has likely been going on for a while prior to her 'road to Damascus' moment prior to Christmas.

For what it is worth, time to go into detective mode mate. Find this arsehole and expose him, he likely has a wife of his own that he is keeping none the wiser.

And don't fall for the 'I think we should have an open marriage' discussion, that is a classic (albeit contemporary) cheater tactic to validate the hedonism they have been getting up to. An open marriage is one that was agreed to prior, not after the fact. My ex used the same line.

180 her (read up on it like Tanner said) and don't play the 'pick me' dance. As you well know, you need to be the stable one for your child. And trust me, you are the parent now. Your wife is gone, replaced by some attention-starved ghoul wearing her skin whose only short term objective is getting attention and validation from someone else.

Continue to post mate, and I'm thinking of you.

Welcome to SI. Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. First things: read in the healing library. You have suffered a real trauma. Take care of you. Eat healthy, exercise, stay away from alcohol and drugs. Good advice from Tanner. Read and implement the 180. Don’t chase her. It’s called the pick me dance. Very often the more desperate you become to make her choose your M, the more it pushes her away. Realize you can’t control her actions. Don’t engage or argue. Speak only on childcare and financial matters. Get tested for STDs. Protect yourself financially. Separate accounts and credit cards. See an attorney to see what D would look like for you. Accept no blame for her cheating. If your WW was unhappy in your M she could simply have filed for D. Cheating on your partner is never justified. Don’t stay in limbo. Take action. You are in control. Good luck.

I am so sorry you had to find us. Welcome. You will find we all want to help you.

At the top of this page is a thread by SerJR entitled "Tactical Primer". It tells the first steps you should take.

This website also has a great The Healing Library. You will find that at the top of this page. There are many great articles there to guide you... a Betrayed Spouse.

When you open The Healing Library you will find Frequently Asked Questions. Tanner has already mentioned implementing the 180. When you click on the "BS FAQ" (BS stands for Betrayed Spouse) you will see Question 11, which is, "What is the 180 and how does it work?".

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/

When we all discover that we are being betrayed our first reaction is usually to try to win our husband/wife back by doing what is known as the "Pick Me" dance. It is only natural, but it never works. It just makes you look weak and pitiful. You do not want to be in competition with her AP (Affair Partner). Why should you? She promised to be faithful to you the rest of your life. Why should you be trying to win back her love and affection like when you first began dating? How dare she put you in this position? Please don't follow her around like a little puppy with your tongue out hoping that she will drop you a few crumbs of her affection. Don't do this.

That is why I usually recommend implementing the 180 technique. It is not to be used as a punishment or to try to win her back. Its purpose is to get you to get some distance and begin to see the situation with clear eyes. Currently you are operating with the limbic emotional part of your brain. You want to get into the position of using your rational brain as much as possible.

Another thing usually recommended is to expose the affair to her family and friends. Affairs thrive and grow in darkness, much like cockroaches. When light is scattered on them they usually scatter like cockroaches.

Does you know who her affair partner is? If he is married or has a girlfriend it would be good for her to know what is going on in her life. No need for him to come into your life and damage it without consequences.

Others will be along with better advice than me.

Good luck.

..that's just what every man wants to hear from his wife on Christmas eve..!!! Tell her to pack her bags and get out. ..then call 'YOUR' lawyer. Avoid any physical contact with her...sounds like she is already accusing you of prior physical abuse with the "don't hit me" comment. Protect yourself and be careful how you proceed from here.
Good luck.

smy

I'm sorry youvare here, but glad you found this place. Man, your WW is one cold-hearted human being! The timing, the demands, the entitlement, body shaming you, the flaunting. I'm sorry, but there is no way I could ever come back from this, but that's just me.

You've been given good advice. I can only add that this process of healing is non-linear, so be prepared for that. Lean on the fine people here and those close to you in real life. Good luck.

Oh man......this story turns my stomach.

The "don't hit me" comment as an intro is very telling. It seems as if she was inviting you to give her a taste of Pimp Hand as an excuse to get you hauled off to the Hooskau. Since she told you she wasn't physically attracted to you, getting you to hit her would aid in assuaging any guilt she has about the pettiness of the entire farce. It's much easier to run away from a Monster than be honest

I imagine this is a workplace romance she is having. Hence why she would send you the pic of the Holiday Spread?

Sadly I don't think you have much to work with at the moment. She is mentally in another universe right now, where you simply won't be able to compete with her Limerence.

Best thing you can do right is limit your communication with her to issues concerning your child and finances. I know it will be tough to do, but you can do it.

Just keep in mind that although she is test driving a new model car right now,eventually somebody is going to drop a fart in the same car. So when that happens, distance yourself so the stench doesn't stick to you.

Lawyer up. Find out what you're facing in terms of settlement. If your W (STBXW? [soon to be ex wife]) earns more than you do, she'll probably be on the hook for some sort of maintenance for you and child support. She'll also probably be on the hook for 50% custody and caring for your child.

Right now, she wants to be in an open M and you want monogamy. There's no way to meld these wants into something you both want, so filing quickly may be the quickest way to allow yourself to move on and heal from your very real loss and trauma.

I usually am for going through ready - aim - fire, which can take a lot of time, but in this case, where your desires are so unreconcilable, I think the only thing you can reasonable aim for is D.

Your W has shown herself who she is. Believe her, and act to protect your best interests.

In addition to getting the support of a good family lawyer, a good IC can help you process the anger, grief, fear, and shame of being betrayed.

The feelings you feel are normal. The disorientation you feel is normal. Have some faith in yourself to survive and thrive, though. The cheating is about her, not about you. Healing means going through a lot of pain for you, but IMO, no amount of sexual pleasure will make up for your W's knowledge that she has really effed up the lives of many people. She may keep suppressing her pain, but it's there, and she's likely to feel it sometime in her life, and she will hurt.

That doesn't matter, though. What matters is your own physical an mental health and making a good life for you and your child. Lawyer up. Find a good IC if you want emotional support.

If you don't feel ready to file, so be it. It's difficult to end one's M. If that's the case, though, I recommend a good IC to help you through this stage of recovery. A good IC will help you find your strengths.

Damn, what do you want? Now that she’s revealed herself?

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 8:05 PM, Sunday, February 4th]

So sorry you are in this awful situation of her making. It should go without saying that no quality individual would ever do this to someone they claim to love and care for, let alone commit to exclusively and marry.

So, the disrespect shown you is deep, but I hope your self respect is 10x deeper.

Take control of your destiny. See an attorney post haste and chart a course out of her betrayal. She has become a charletan masquerading as an adult woman, wife and mother. Time to detach.

While doing so, gather as much support around you as possible including trusted family, friends and a good therapist. You need good people on your support team. While doing so, dont keep her secrets. Let people know what is going on. "Out her" so to speak.

Also increase your self care, nutrition, hydration, exercise, get tested for std's and keep posting here.

Good luck. Do what needs to be done.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:58 PM, Saturday, February 17th]

Damn

What a sorry situation…
Before I get on-issue: Why did she ask you not to hit her? Have you hit her? Does/did she have a reason to fear violence? Look – I won’t judge you, but if she is in an abusive relationship then the advice offered would possibly be totally different…

A fundamental fact about marriage is that the only thing keeping you or her in it is the decision to be married.
Sounds simple, but I think we overlook that too many times. You might think the kid keeps you married, or the mortgage or the money put aside for the holiday in Spain or whatever.
Then there is how we define marriage and what our expectations are. I’m guessing you had the same expectations as we tend to have: mutual respect, fidelity, working together at life’s goals etc. She probably had the same expectations, only now she starts telling you how the intimacy has gone and she is getting those needs met elsewhere.

Well…
What do you want?
Doesn’t sound like you are willing to accept her IMMENSE change to the expectations you both had for marriage.
That’s fine – that is perfectly normal and IMHO logical and expected behavior.

I’m going to suggest you accept that the only thing keeping your marriage together is that you both want a marriage.
Then really look at what she is saying:
I want to be married EXCEPT I want to omit the fidelity part. I think you are a great dad, it’s convenient to share house, finances and parenting duties with you, but I want my physical needs met elsewhere because I no longer find you sexually attractive.
Indirectly she’s also saying
– I am going to risk getting emotional attachment to someone else and then maybe end our marriage of convenience.
- I am taking the risk of exposing you to STD’s (unless she expects you to be celibate).
- I am removing a large part of what people usually define as "marriage" from our marriage.
- I am taking a large portion of the time we – as a couple – have away from our role as parents to spend with someone else. And btw – you babysit our child when I’m doing someone else.

She wants the marriage, but on totally different grounds than you do.

What do YOU want?

I am going to encourage you to refuse to compromise on what you consider basic factors in marriage.
Tell her something along these lines:

Wife. I refuse to share you with another man. You are totally free to have sex with anyone you want, but not as my wife. I am therefore setting you free of any obligations and expectations I might have towards you as a spouse. At the same time, I am removing myself from you as husband.
There is a formal process for this – a divorce – and I will be initiating the steps required.
This is not how I envisioned our future, but it beats sharing you.
There is a very short window where you can clearly tell me you want this marriage, but on the basis we got married on. If you can convince me that you are honest about that choice I might be willing to slow down the divorce, but I am getting out of infidelity – with or without you.

This was all planned, telling you on Christmas Eve, telling you not to hit her etc. She didn't do it because she felt guilty or remorse. It was planned to put you in a shocked position. The issue is your following reaction,

During the next days, I told her what she was doing was wrong, that it’s immoral, that we can work on this and fix it, but the more I pushed this point, the more she didn’t want to engage. She made her decision and wanted me to be ok with it.

So basically your partner tells you that they betrayed you and cheated on you and still do it, and you tell them it's immoral? I mean more direct words were said in life than that. Plus you offered to 'fix' things, you don't do that if you are told that you are cheated on, the fixing part comes from the one who cheats on you. She put you in a state of being afraid of losing something and afraid of being alone situation to inhibit any decision making on your part.

I am sorry this is happening to you. This forum was my saving grace. I am unfortunately back on this site for a 2nd time, now with my ex boyfriend and his betrayal. It helped me through the first time and I am hoping it will help me again. Have faith in yourself. You will get through this. You will get so many wonderful advice on here.

Choose you right now. Find the support you need. Friends, family, IC, whatever works. Your little one needs you right now. I am not going to sit here and bash your wife or tell you things you haven’t heard already. It’s going to be a roller coaster of emotions. Feel them when you need to feel them. We are all on here for the same thing, so please continue to reach out and know we all have your back. I wish I had better advice for you but I am trying to cope with my own roller coaster right now.

I wish you lots of strength. Know your worth and value. Hugs - Faithfinder

How you doin Damn? The more you post the more we can help.

Hi I actually feel your pain I am going through the exact same thing at the moment we have 2 kids been together 15 years everything was perfect then he told me a few weeks before Xmas my world fell apart i really hope you can get through this it is the most awful feeling in the world look after yourself hopefully things will get better 💖

Why would she pre-empt by begging you not to hit her. Unless that is an option for you (in which case infidelity is the tip of the iceberg to problems) sounds like DARVO.

"The don't hit me" line was probably planned and there is a good chance that she was recording the interaction to gather some dirt on you. Saying don't hit me if that is not something you would is a arguing trick to take control of the discussion, you shift to defending yourself from a false charge instead of talking about her plan to leave...at Christmas.

OTOH if there is a history of hitting then she was probably gathering evidence.

How are you doing? Any update?